A/N: Surprisingly quick update! I'm officially moving into my dorm tomorrow so I'm not sure when the next update will be. :(

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z or anything affiliated with it.

-MalRev


My Own Being

7: Awakening

The ignition of lust erupted into a rapid chain reaction that Goku and I were helpless to escape. We had committed the taboo believing it would comfort both of us somehow in our darkest places, pulling us back toward the light instead of shoving us away from the ones we loved. It felt like it would happen one time—just something to make it feel like everything wasn't slipping through our fingers. I needed him. I needed to connect to someone who wouldn't scowl and fold his arms.

But the rising sun illuminated our tangled, rumpled guilt; the knotted bedsheets on the floor, Goku's bare arm slung across my ribcage while we both slept. I blearily opened my eyes and shrank back from the light toward his warmth without thinking much of it. I'd become accustomed to one-night stands over the years with men I didn't know particularly well and the overwhelming emptiness that accompanied awakening usually didn't strike me anymore. I was comfortably numb.

The fuse was set. My tryst with Goku provided the flame and it was slowly eating its way toward the bombshell at the end of the line, where Chi-Chi would discover our affair and all of the people we cared about we be carelessly thrown into the line of fire. I stretched my arms before me and smacked my lips, still bathing in the golden afterglow from the night before. I felt like a new woman, completely free—

"You move a lot when you sleep," chirped my lover resting behind me.

The pleasant heat became a paradoxical burning type of freeze, like frostbite that throbbed horribly when you were finally near a fire to heal it. Realization tingled through my body and I quickly realized I was lying beside my best friend, a conjoined pile of limbs with his sweat still sliding down my skin. The daydream shattered. My soul was torn from my body and the familiar emptiness was left behind.

Horrified, I rolled away from Goku's embrace and leapt to my feet with the comforter wrapped tightly around my body to hide the parts of me I thought I never wanted him to see. Blood pulsed through my ears as my best friend scratched his black mass of hair and propped himself up on a palm to crack his neck. The thin sheet fell away from him and hardly disguised what was below the last rung of his sculpted abdomen, which was somehow much more sexual now.

I'd seen Goku without his shirt plenty of times. He usually lost it in fights and I told myself repeatedly that it was wrong to admire him when he was technically doing his job. I clenched the comforter tighter in terror as he casually continued stretching and yawned. Oh no. I'd let my lust get the best of me. I'd taken advantage of my grief-stricken friend like some kind of predator.

Hadn't I been the one who sat and smiled while he awkwardly married Chi-Chi? I hadn't felt jealous about their union back then. My attraction to Goku was a creeping illness that was spreading rapidly through my entire being, bringing me to do stupid things like sleeping with him. My crush had been frail for such a long time that I was certain it had died away to leave me in peace.

The Saiyan cocked his head at me. "What're you doin' over there? I'm still sleepy." He patted the rumpled sheets beside him and beamed at me. It was blinding enough to burn.

I took another wavering step back and stared at him, shocked by his indifference. I'd met Goku before anyone else and was the first to experience his endearing innocence but I couldn't imagine that he saw nothing wrong with what we had done. He either thought he was dreaming or it the sleepiness hadn't worn off. He was always so devoted to Chi-Chi and Gohan, even when it meant he had to make a tough decision. He wanted both of them to be happy no matter the cost.

"I should go," I said.

My silence was broken. There was no going back.

A frown turned Goku's radiant smile into a sweet stormhead; the drizzle of rain after a suffocating drought. "Already? Oh…" He looked around with a squint, causing the bed to creak in protest. "Is Vegeta hanging around here or something? I can make him go away so you can stay. We can lie in bed and I'll make us food in a little while, unless it'll make your stomach go bad."

"It has nothing to do with Vegeta. I can't stay here."

I'd seen something different in Goku and it frightened me a bit. He was always so gentle that I could hardly predict the bottomless well of lust carefully disguised under his cheery disposition. It was the Saiyan in him. He didn't like it much and worked very hard to hide it, maybe even to his wife. It was surreal seeing his black eyes hazy with desire rather than clear with the drive to protect.

"Well I figured we could uh…" Goku rubbed the back of his head again, flaring red. "Y'know, talk about what we did last night. I mean, I'm not upset or anything like that. No, definitely not upset."

Admittedly, it was the greatest sex I'd ever had. We didn't clash in a hailstorm of fire like I did with Vegeta—Goku was the tide and I was the moon, pushing and pulling him while he dutifully followed his commands. It wasn't a slave-master relationship but one of mutual respect, where each individual filled their role and kept the other in a calculated pattern.

I inched toward my torn clothes. Shit. "I don't think we need to talk about it. Pretend it never happened. I'd prefer not to have my throat torn out by your wife."

There was no way I was escaping our encounter in one piece. My heart was be torn apart and hastily glued back together only to be shredded again. That was the nature of being a mistress. The man I deeply wanted was already committed to another who had no intentions of leaving him.

"But she said she isn't coming back," Goku said.

"You're still married. This was wrong." I leaned over to swipe up my shirt.

We had something. It had been there for a long time, waiting for one of us to make the leap and release it from its prison. Now the damn thing was swirling around both our heads and filling Goku with doubt and confusion and misplaced devotion. He didn't really want me, right? He was sad and lonely. I had selfishly taken advantage of him when he was at his worst.

Looking into Goku's eyes was not an option—I couldn't bear the inevitable betrayed expression that would follow me around. I held my tattered shirt at arm's length and tried to think of a way to get home without being detected by Vegeta, who wouldn't hesitate to tell Chi-Chi what happened. I'd been so wrapped up in my emotions that I didn't think twice about what would happen in the morning. Thankfully I was already pregnant so I knew Goku and I wouldn't have an illegitimate child.

Memories from the previous night trickled back…

The entire time, I could only think of how badly I needed him. His body looked like it was carved from marble but had all the soft warmth of a normal human man. I pressed close in search of security, close to his neck where the scent of pine and sweat was strongest as he strained closer to me in return. I'd never been in bed with someone for so long—things became too intimate too quickly. It was different with him. I would've been happy feeling him for years to come.

It was quiet all around when we were both finished and I was rapidly dropping off to sleep. But he stayed within me for a while longer like he was trying to get the most out of the experience. He leaned his forehead on mine and I could feel his irises boring into my eyelids.

"D'you know what I imagine sometimes, Bulma?"

"Hm?"

"Well ever since you told me you're pregnant I'd imagine I put the baby in you instead." Goku unwillingly withdrew from me and I moaned. His chest rumbled appreciatively. More words were spoken. They trailed into something about Vegeta. "…Gosh, I can't believe this. This is the best night of my life." He shifted a bit and his body was beside mine, warm and comforting. He happily pulled me against his chest but I heard him sniffle slightly. "The best day was when Gohan was born. I don't care much for anything else besides those two things."

The floorboards shifted in front of me and I looked up to see Goku standing there, stark naked and holding one of his trademark orange shirts in his hand. I took a step back but he pulled the comforter from my grasp to throw it to the floor and promptly pulled the shirt over my head. It hung low, close to my knees, and I still curved my thighs together nervously. He tilted his head like a puppy seeking a reward while I struggled to avert my eyes from his nudeness.

"Can you put your clothes on?" I asked.

"Huh? No way, I never wear clothes if I don't have to. Besides, you saw me naked last night and didn't complain about it." He folded his arms and leaned down close to my face, grinning. "The kinds of noises you made sounded pretty happy to me."

"I'm not saying I didn't want to but now we both need to realize that it was wrong and we need to go back to our normal lives. I'm having a baby, you're going to see your son and fix things with Chi-Chi, and Vegeta is going to mercilessly harass me until I agree to marry him."

"WHAT?! You're gonna marry Vegeta?!"

Without meaning to, I tore open another can of worms. Goku's short attention span would derail him from the original argument: that what we had done was wrong and couldn't happen again.

I crossed my own arms. "No, I'm not going to marry him. He's crazy."

Goku let out a sigh of relief but the irritated look stayed on his face. He moved his gaze beyond me, to the window, and cracked his knuckles loudly. "Hmph, good thing. Want me to go punch him for being rude to you? He isn't gonna tell you what to do if I can help it, that's for sure."

Surprised, I risked peeking out from my hands to fully look at my friend's facial expression. It was determined and he had the same indent between his brows that Vegeta got when he was getting ticked off. I'd only seen Goku make the face twice—when he was fighting Frieza and when Raditz kidnapped Gohan. It was rare to see Goku inspired by much else other than rescuing people.

"You let people pick on Chi-Chi all the time," I said, treading into dangerous territory.

The Saiyan blinked and looked down at me. He was so damn tall. "Uh… well, I guess you're right. She's always so mean that I don't wanna intervene. She'd probably yell or somethin'."

"You need to take care of her now. We can't do this again."

"Yes we can."

"Goku, please," I begged.

"I'm not gonna tell anybody. Not yet, at least. I know we have to wait until the right time." He pressed his palm gently below my belly button, smiling. "Don't worry, Bulma. I'll make sure both of you are happy, no matter what."