In Which Mary is the Only Sane One
"I can't believe it!" Alice said in awe, her eyes wide. She and her friends were all in their dormitory, and it was currently 5:00 PM on Saturday, October tenth.
"She's been sleeping all. Fucking. Day!" Lily was currently both annoyed and frustrated, putting her in what was commonly called "Potty-Mouth Mode".
"Even the damn water didn't wake her up! What the hell are we supposed to do?" Delilah exclaimed. No, she was not in "Potty-Mouth Mode"; she just tended to use bad words often and with ease.
"I hope she's alright," Mary said, concerned. "Oh, it would be absolutely awful if she was sick on her birthday! Especially since it's her seventeenth!"
"Maybe she drank a Sleeping Draught or something," Lily mused. "She's exhibiting all of the signs of having ingested one. It's really not all that hard to make, and considering its clear color, awfully easy to slip into drinks…" She trailed off, and she, Alice, Delilah and Mary all seemed to be thinking the same thing.
"Black," they spoke in unison, their tones menacing. They all knew that he was the only person who hated the popular Sasha Berg enough to do something so cruel and uncalled for to her. Without having to communicate a word, all four of them marched up to the Marauders' dormitory, not a shred of doubt or fear in their minds, their only thoughts on helping their friend.
Mary knocked on the door, always the polite one. When Remus opened it, he seemed surprised, but greeted them politely. "Hello Mary, Lily, Alice, Delilah. What brings you up here?"
"Where's your friend?" Alice asked, arms crossed dangerously.
"Hmm… considering Sasha isn't with you, I'm guessing you mean Sirius?" Remus questioned, sounding as if he was stifling laughter.
"Yes," the girls answered in unison.
"He's in here. Hold on, I'll get him," Remus offered, retreating into his dormitory and shutting the door behind himself. The girls could hear what the boys were saying:
"Padfoot! Get out here!" Remus shouted above the muffled scampering in the dormitory.
"Moony," Sirius whined, far from the door, judging by how vague his voice was, "I'm busy!"
"No, you're not, you're Sirius, now get your lazy arse up off that bed. You have visitors." The girls had to suppress their laughter- rather unsuccessfully- at Remus' clever choice of words.
"Why the hell would I have visitors?" Sirius asked wondrously. There was a bang from inside the room, as if the lid of a trunk was being thrown open and hit something- by the sound of James' yelp of pain, the girl suspected it was his leg. Delilah had to slap her hand over Lily's mouth to keep her from laughing out loud- as it was, Lily's face turned redder than her hair from her swallowed chuckles.
"It's the girls. I think that they're under the impression that you did something to Sasha. Did you?" Remus' voice was scolding, and remarkably alike a male version of Professor McGonagall.
It seemed Sirius had only heard the word "girls". "I'm going, I'm going!" He cried, jumping off the bed with a hurried thud. "Just let me put some pants on, okay?"
"OI! MOONY!" A new voice shouted, not as far away as Sirius', but not as close as Remus', one that made Lily pale abruptly. "Did you say the girls were here?"
"Yes, I did, Prongs."
"As in the Sixth Year Gryffindor girls?" James' voice was adorably hopeful, and the girls could see him jumping in place out of excitement in their mind's eye- it wasn't exactly unheard of, considering he had done it before- causing all of them (except Lily, whose eyes were closed, and looked to be praying) to bit their lips to keep from laughing.
Remus sighed, "Yes, Prongs. What other girls would be able to get inside Gryffindor Tower?"
James ignored this subtle insult to his intelligence and asked, "Does that include Lily?" The girls could now hear him jumping, and as Lily paled and began praying faster, her friends bit their lips so hard they nearly bled- except for Delilah's, whose lip did bleed.
"She'll probably kill me later for telling you this, but, yes, she is," Remus admitted, somewhat reluctantly, since he was aware of Lily's upcoming rage.
"Remus dies," Lily growled from the hallway, her skin paler than even Sasha's, her green eyes narrowed into terrifying slits.
"SWEET CHEESE, I HAVE TO GET READY!" James exclaimed, running around the room, not even crying out when he bumped into anything and everything- which, by the sounds of it, he most certainly did.
"'Sweet cheese'?" Delilah mouthed to Alice, who shrugged in reply, giggling.
"Ready for what?" The fourth and slowest (physically and mentally) Marauder, Peter, asked; he had clearly just walked into the conversation, most likely from the bathroom, due to the numerous onion rings he had eaten for dinner that night. It made the girls gag just thinking about the revolting sight.
"Have you missed our whole conversation, Wormtail? Lily's outside! I've got to make myself look good to woo her!" James replied in exasperation, frantically searching through his drawers.
"Merlin, help me," Lily moaned under her breath from in the hall.
"Oh. Well, good luck then, Prongs!" Peter said, always the supportive, loyal one. He received no reply; his friends were too busy preparing (James for Lily, Sirius for all the girls, and Remus for dealing with Lily's wrath).
Finally, Sirius came to the door, with- thankfully- his pants on. The girls let out long breaths of relief. "What can I do for you lovely ladies today?" Sirius asked, flashing his trademark grin to the girls, utterly oblivious to their glares.
"What did you do to Sasha?" Lily asked, her eyes narrowed in a glare normally reserved especially for James.
"Why, whatever do you mean, Evans?" Sirius asked, all too clearly feigning innocence.
"We mean, Black, that Sasha's been sleeping the whole day, and NOTHING is waking her up! I mean, sure, usually only cold water works, but even that's not working!" Alice exclaimed, frustrated- which very rarely happened, exhibiting her distress. "This shows signs of Sasha being under the influence of a Sleeping Draught, and only you hate her enough to poison her- though who you got the Draught from, I have no idea- but that not's the point! The point is that you poisoned Sasha!"
"So, let me get this straight," Sirius began, plainly humored. "You're accusing me of slipping Berg a Sleeping Draught in her pumpkin juice last evening at the feast when she was talking to you all, her back turned to me, and I walked out of the Hall?" Sirius was grinning madly, clearly smug and proud. "Because, if you are, then yes, yes I did."
"YOU ADMIT IT!" Delilah shouted furiously, her face red, her hands balling into tight fists at her sides. Her friends had to hold her back to stop her from pouncing on Sirius, who looked rightfully frightened. Everyone knew that Delilah McPhee packed a hard punch.
"Yes, I do admit it," Sirius replied, feigning calmness, trying his best not to look as scared as he was. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"Just give us the antidote and we'll be on our way, Black," Delilah growled menacingly. "I may even resist my urge to knock your guts out!" Her voice was sickly sweet- and that, quite truthfully, was the scariest part.
"Why should I give you the antidote? What if I need it sometime?" Sirius clearly wasn't going to give the girls the antidote anytime soon. Alice, Lily, Delilah and Mary looked around at each other, and then finally, back to Mary, who sighed, inwardly preparing.
They were about to unleash their secret weapon.
"I can't believe you, Black," Mary said in her quiet, innocent voice, shaking her head, sounding for the entire world to hear like a disappointed mother. Sirius looked stunned; he had rarely heard Mary talk before, and certainly never to him, and never so up-front. "Not only did you poison Sasha, but on her birthday, too! Her seventeenth birthday at that! And you aren't even decent enough to feel any sort of remorse whatsoever and give us the antidote!
"Sasha's a person, Black, a person who's been looking forward to her seventeenth birthday for ages. Really, she has- for years, on every single one of her birthday, she's told us, 'I can't wait until I turn seventeen!' How would you feel if someone prevented you from celebrating the biggest, most important birthday of your life, just out of hatred and spite, nothing else?"
"Upset," Sirius answered softly, looking heavily ashamed, not denying Mary's assumption that the only reason he slipped Sasha a Sleeping Draught was because he hated her, and that was that; it was true, after all. Sirius Black was many things, but he was not a liar (usually).
"And Sasha, I'm sure, will feel the same way once she eventually wakes up and realizes what you've done. I know you hate her, Black, but I had no idea you- or anyone, for that matter!- could sink so low. Since you clearly aren't going to be giving us the antidote any time soon, I suppose we'll have to be on our way. I guess Sasha will just have to miss her own birthday. Come on, girls," spoke Mary softly, rubbing her hand over her eye as if wiping away tears, turning away from the boys' dormitory and gesturing for her friends to follow her.
"WAIT!" Sirius cried out suddenly, and the girls stopped in their tracks, whirling back around, feigning surprise. He darted inside his room and came out with a small vile. "Here's the antidote," he spoke, holding the vile out to Mary. "I got it when I stole the Sleeping Draught from Slughorn. I figured I might need it- just in case. And, well… don't tell, okay? I still hate her!"
"We know you do, Black. Don't worry- we won't tell. Thank you," Mary replied curtly, her tone resembling that of a businesswoman's. Remus could be heard lightly chuckling from inside the dormitory, obviously having realized what the girls had done. "Let's go now, girls," she continued, and she, Lily, Alice and Delilah made their way back to their dormitory.
"That was brilliant, Mary!" Alice exclaimed once they were far enough from the boys' dormitory that they wouldn't be overheard, laughing so hard there were tears in her eyes. "Did you see his face?"
"You're pretty damn good at those guilt trips, Mary," Delilah laughed, her hands clutching her stomach. "Hell, if you ever get over your shyness, you could become an actress!"
"Thanks," was all Mary would say, blushing with pleasure at the compliments she was receiving.
"Come on, let's go wake up Sasha!" Lily exclaimed cheerfully, skipping steps up to the girls' dormitory.
Behind them, the enraged shout of, "PADFOOT! WHY'D YOU LET LILYKINS GO WITHOUT LETTING ME SEE HER?! YOU STUPID ARSE! HOW COULD YOU?!" accompanied by the sound of a pillow slamming into the side of someone's head could be heard throughout the whole Gryffindor common room.
"It's 7:32, Sasha! You know what that means!" Delilah exclaimed, waggling her eyebrows at her friend, who was awake and lively. The girls were all in their dormitory, enjoying the private party Lily, Alice, Mary and Delilah had planned for Sasha. It included a huge cake, firewhiskey, lots of decorations, a Muggle record player (Lily had figured out how to charm it to make it work amidst all the magic in Hogwarts) that played music so loud that would deafen the ear of anyone over the age of thirty, and even more firewhiskey.
"I'M OFFICIALLY SEVENTEEN!" Sasha screamed in excitement and pure joy. "HALLELUJAH! PRAISE MERLIN!"
"So, Sasha, now that you can legally do magic outside of school, what are you going to do next?" Lily asked, making her voice slightly deeper than usual, balling up her fist like a microphone and holding it under Sasha's nose, pretending to be a reporter.
"Well, Lily, I think I'm going to…" Sasha trailed off, thinking. "Oh! I know! DRINK MORE FIREWHISKEY!" She promptly finished her first bottle of the golden liquid- of the night, that is. Sasha Berg was not a good girl, whatsoever, despite the assumptions of her fellow students, and was well acquainted with the burning feeling of the alcohol making its way down her throat.
Sasha, in an act almost any teenager would deem "normal", then proceeded to drink three more bottles by 8:00.
Her friends had all had three bottles of firewhiskey by that time- except Mary, who was still in the middle of her first, claiming that one of them needed to stay moderately sober in case of some sort of emergency. But, for the most part, they were all as drunk as they could possibly be.
"Look out!" Sasha shot up suddenly, looking wild. Out of all of them, the firewhiskey had had the most obvious effect on her. "Look out!" She repeated. Taking a deep breath, she began belting out one of her favorite songs at the top of her lungs, one that none of her friends had ever heard before, and none of them wanted to hear sung by Sasha again: "PINK ELEPHANTS ON PARADE, HERE THEY COME, HIPPITY HOPPITY!"
(Take note, she was singing all of this was prancing around the room like a stark raving mad antelope on a high from crack.)
"THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE THERE, PINK ELEPHANTS EVERYWHERE!" Suddenly, the door to the dorm burst open with a slam.
"Oh, sweet Merlin, who gave Sasha firewhiskey?!" Remus Lupin exclaimed, clearly alarmed. "She can't hold her alcohol for the life of her!"
"None of them can, Remus," Mary shook her head sadly. "How'd you get up here, by the way? I thought the stairs were charmed to turn into a slide if any boy tried to climb up them!"
"James and Sirius figured out the counter-curse to whatever makes the stairs repel boys a long time ago," Remus explained to her.
"Well, that's certainly a rather disturbing thought. Lily will probably go straight to Dumbledore when she finds out, you know how scared she is of Potter seeing her in her knickers. I myself am not sure I'll be able to sleep comfortably in my bed tonight either," Mary murmured. "Anyways, what are you doing up here?"
"First of all, I have to give Sasha her present," Remus said, procuring a thin, wrapped gift from behind his back. "Second, I heard her singing. Our whole House did, actually. You should've seen some of their reactions, it was hilarious. Anyways, naturally, I had to make sure everything was alright up here."
Mary nodded just as Sasha, Lily, Alice and Delilah noticed Remus. "BROTHER!!!!!!!" Sasha shouted, pouncing on him with a hug while Alice, Delilah and Lily raised their bottles in the air and yelled, "REM!"
"OOOO!" Alice suddenly cried, hopping to her feet, falling down again in her state of drunkenness. "'Rem' sounds like 'RUM'!"
"Rum is goooooood," Delilah slurred, swaying to nonexistent music.
"Ali- hiccup!- made a-hiccup!- funny!" Lily hiccupped, obviously disoriented and out of her wits. Oh, if only James could see his Lilykins now- I bet she'd give him that kiss, Remus couldn't help but think wryly.
"Hello, Sasha," Remus turned to his almost-sister and greeted her (not the other girls; he was fairly sure that they wouldn't be offended in their current state, and if they were, they'd forget it in the morning, and besides all of that, the girls scared him and he wanted to get out of there as fast as he possibly could), stifling his laughter. "Happy seventeenth! Would you like your present now?"
"PRESENT!!!!!!!" Sasha yelled gleefully, bouncing up and down in excitement. "Gimme gimme gimme!"
"Alright," Remus chuckled, handing the gift to Sasha. Sasha tore it open with such eager ferocity that Remus thought it was a shame he didn't have his camera.
Sasha stared at the gift for a moment before flinging herself at Remus. "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She shrieked repeatedly, taking another swig of firewhiskey as she did so.
"What iiiiiiiiiiis it?" Lily, Alice and Delilah asked- or, more accurately, slurred- in sing-song tones.
"THE ROLLING STONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sasha screeched triumphantly, holding the record up victoriously. "TO THE RECORD PLAYER!"
"TO THE RECORD PLAYER!" Lily, Alice and Delilah chorused, lifting their fists in the air and jumping up to follow Sasha. Mary just laughed and shook her head at her friends' antics.
After a few minutes of Sasha pressing the wrong buttons, since she saw three record players, the Rolling Stones record finally rang throughout the dorm. The girls, of course, had to sing along.
"PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF," they sang along to Mick Jagger's sultry voice, prancing around the room and knocking over things along the way as they fought to stay upright.
"I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE!" At this line, they all hopped on Remus.
"I think I'll be going now… good night, Mary," Remus told the lone girl in the dormitory with an ounce of sanity, chuckling but eyeing the four drunken girls nervously all the same as he pushed them off of him.
"Good night, Remus," Mary waved him away quietly as her friends continued singing.
Delilah, Alice, Lily, and, of course, Sasha continued that routine for the rest of the night: drink, sing, drink, sing, sing some more, drink some more, sing, drink even more, and so on. Needless to say, none of the Gryffindors got any sleep that night.
And when all the girls decided to sleep through the next day as a result of their massive hangovers, Sirius was perfectly happy. After all, it was his seventeenth birthday; he didn't want to look back on it and have it tainted by Sasha and the girls.
Though, he would've liked his first act of legal magic to have been used against Sasha.
Hope you liked it! Even if you didn't, please tell me what you thought! Three reviews until I update again! Thanks, everyone!
-Joelle8
P.S. I keep forgetting this:
Disclaimer: If I was J.K. Rowling, would I be writing fanfiction?
