...
Okay, yes, I do give you all permission to find my house and kill me in my sleep.
How long's it been?
3... 4... 7 months since the last update?
Shame on me.
Shame on my cow.
Shame on this story.
Lol, but seriously, school totally just made this fic drop from my pea-sized brain. Plus, I've been working on a HxH fanfic, so that fandom has kinda taken control of my being.
And here we are again! Hopefully I didn't lose it since then...
Disclaimer: Bleach has been pulling some pretty low crap lately, but that doesn't stop me from reading Kubo's gorgeousness. (Actually, I haven't been caught up for a few months, so who am I to talk?)
Eight whole entire hours had passed since Ichigo had moved from his current position.
In a tree.
Curled up in a ball.
Trying not to pee his shihakusho.
Somewhere below him, he heard it.
"Ichigo... Come out, come out wherever you are..."
Contrary to popular belief, Aizen was not the scariest person out there. No, the scariest person out in the big bad Seireitei (or the entire Soul Society... Or the entire world...) was none other than -
"Ken-chan, turn left!"
Yup.
Kenpachi and his little pink shoulder devil literally passed directly under Ichigo for the who-knows-how-many-ith time. The strawberry willed his bladder not to empty quite just yet, as a face full of urine would alert even the most empty-headed of the bunch.
As soon as the thirteenth division taicho and fukutaicho disappeared around the corner, Ichigo somehow breathed again.
This really might be my last day to live...
He suddenly had a bright idea.
Wait... If this is the day I die... Shouldn't I at least eat the cookie first?
Oh my gosh.
"What is this?"
Iba glared at the thing Kira had just put in his hands. It was white, and fluffy.
"Goodness gracious, Kira-chan, you got me a puppy." Iba began to tear up immediately. He'd always wanted a puppy.
Kira said nothing. It was Iemura that informed the kaicho that the thing was not a puppy, but a scarf. Of course, Iba heard absolutely nothing coming from his VP's mouth, so he continued to stroke the scarf.
"I think I'll call you... Pablo 3."
"IBAAAAA!"
It was at that moment that a hormonal strawberry burst into the clubhouse, a crazed look adorning his face.
Iba bared his teeth. "Quiet, child! You'll wake Pablo."
Ichigo didn't even ask. He just ran to Kira and yanked the list out of his modified shihakusho, examining it rapidly.
Hisagi popped in. "What're you doi - Wahhabi!"
Ichigo was scribbling out the entire list. With a crayon.
"ICHIGO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY PRIDE AND JOY." Iba wailed, momentarily forgetting about Pablo (Shinji took the opportunity to steal the scarf and proceeded to whip Kira with it in a corner).
Que-ball dropped into the conversation. "I thought Pablo was your pride and joy."
"IKKAKU. HOW MANY TIMES - "
"We don't need this anymore." Ichigo said. "We're going all-out, Guerilla warfare, right here, right now."
Hisagi blinked. "Right here?"
"Right here."
"Like, right here, or... Right here?"
Ichigo scowled, his brain trying to process that. He was still a little messed up from how he spent most of his day.
Iba recovered. "So, what, you wanna flirt with everyone on the list all at once?" He broke down. "Hohoho, this is still funny."
Ichigo smacked himself in the face. "Do you guys even know what Guerilla warfare is?"
Hisagi crossed his arms, deep in thought. "Well, we have monkeys, but I don't think gorillas are native to this region..."
The teen groaned, muttering to himself that he should've just done this on his own.
The sound of his intense emotional pain caused Shinji to drift over. "Heyyy, Ichigo, you look white again."
Yeah, Shinji couldn't see his purple and green chest.
Speaking of...
"You know, Hirako," He noted. "You might be the most intelligent one here, and that's saying something."
"Thanks Ichigo." And he meant it.
"We'll do this on our own, you and me." Ichigo held up a fist, going into protag-inspirational-speech-mode. "We're gonna get this cookie today. We're gonna conquer the SWA. We're gonna be men."
Shinji ran his fingers through his crooked hair. "Yah man, I like the sound of that." He checked his buzzing soul pager. "But let's do it before 7, Kay?"
It was almost 6:30.
"I've gotta go watch Hiyori beat Kensei up with a tire she found."
Kira murmured, remembering his secret mission, "Don't you think he's experienced enough trauma lately?"
"Hahaha, I don't know what that even means!"
Ichigo tapped his foot. "So it's decided, let's go."
Without another question, Ichigo, Shinji, and, unfortunately, Ikkaku (he insisted, okay?) made their way over to the first division where their delicious reward awaited them.
After awhile, Ichigo posed the question that had been on his mind for the last few minutes.
"So... Where does Hiyori hang out to get all these weapons?"
And Shinji did not have an answer.
The three hoped to not run into anyone on the way there, but it seemed that was impossible in the Seireitei.
The moment Matsumoto crossed their path, Shinji and Ikkaku were long gone.
Well, they were hiding in the dumpster a few feet away. Shinji had popcorn.
"Oh, Ichigo-kun!" She put a hand to her face. "How ironic it is to meet you here."
"I guess so. Bye."
She grabbed the back of his shihakusho, stopping him in his tracks. "Where are you going?"
"Somewhere..."
"Don't you want to talk to me?"
"NO." He shook his head. "I mean, maybe later, Rangiku-san."
Matsumoto pouted, hoping that she could convince the boy to flirt with her. She had voted for herself, after all.
She resorted to Plan B - manipulation. "So tonight there's a party..."
Ichigo mentally groaned, because he knew that by "party", she meant "sake fest". And Ichigo, sadly, was still underage.
"...And whoever brings the youngest date wins a prize!"
The teen was confused. "Young...est...?"
She smiled, somewhat oddly. Her eye seemed to be twitching and sparkling.
Wait... Ichigo recalled Iba's Love Master Cram School lessons...
STRAWBERRY FLASHBACK MODE
"I'm going to teach you a secret move to win over every heart, child."
Ichigo scowled. "Don't patronize me."
"Uh uh uh, Ichi-kun. No one likes a stinker!" Iba pointed to his eye. "Watch closely... Ready?"
He said nothing.
"Ready now?"
Nothing.
Iba shuffled closer, muttering, "You're supposed to say, 'yes'."
"... Sure." It almost hurt to say it.
Iba clapped his hands giddily. "Good enough! Kay, watch my eye."
Ever so slowly, Iba closed his right eye.
"Catch that, Ichi-kun? Let me show you, one more time, just to be sure you understand."
He opened his eye, and closed it again.
"Do you understand?"
"I... I'm not sure."
Iba called Kira and Hisagi over, and they all demonstrated the new technique for him. After another minute or so, Ichigo started to catch on. He tried it as well.
"No, no, Ichi-kun. Only close one eye."
Eventually, Ichigo mastered the technique.
Iba applauded the strawberry, who looked pretty proud of himself. Iba was crying as he told Ichigo the name of the new flirting technique.
"It's called a 'wink'..."
Oh... A WINK. That's what Matsumoto was doing!
Rangiku was waving her hand in front of his face. Ichigo had literally replayed that whole flashback in his mind, so he was out of it for a few minutes.
Matsumoto sighed, giving up. There'd be a next time.
She blamed his teenage hormones.
Either way, Soi Fon had gotten plenty of photos, so she figured she had this contest in the bag.
Ichigo was awakened when Shinji chucked popcorn down his throat. After choking for awhile with no assistance (other than Ikkaku kicking him in the butt), he finally managed to breathe again.
"Hirako, you butt. I could've died!"
He looked bored. "I dunno, maybe you should after that sad performance."
"Wut."
"Seriously, Ichigo? Spacing out while someone on the list intentionally engages in personal seduction - "
The teen blushed angrily. "That phrase literally makes no sense."
"YOU LITERALLY MAKE NO SENSE."
Okay, that was crossing the line.
Before the two could unleash their bankai's, Ikkaku (shocker) stopped them, pointing out that it didn't matter because they were doing a guerrilla warfare attack anyway.
Ichigo blinked. "Ikkaku... Actually makes a valid point..."
"Pinch me, I'm dreaming."
So Ichigo did. Apparently, Shinji was not being literal, so combat ensued.
And this time, Ikkaku couldn't hold back. He'd already exerted enough brain power for the day with that comment.
The three, however, probably regretted it when they were met with an unfortunate fate.
"Yo, Ichigo!" A giant man lumbered over, unnamed katana already out and screaming for blood. "I've finally found you."
Screw guerrilla warfare.
If I named these chapters, I would probably name this one "Literally" because of how many times I used a form of that word. I did take out a bunch, so I've spared ya'll a bit from being bombarded with literallies... but there's still too many.
I need to expand my vocabulary.
P.s. Help encourage me to continue if that's what you'd like! I'm not sure if I should keep this going or end it soon...
