Episode 7 – A Right Royal Cock-up
Uther strolled out of his chambers on the morning of his fiftieth birthday feeling rather proud of himself. Come-a-lot had just been awarded the cleanest kingdom in the Keep Britain Beautiful campaign, his son was about to turn twenty-one and officially receive the keys to the city; as well as the free patronage of his choice of Gentleman's Clubs for his coming-of-age party (something his old man was looking forward to even more than Arthur himself); and Uther had received a bottle of the finest Glenfiddich from his cousin, the Duke of Erinsborough, Harold Bishop, special delivery that morning. He was planning to pour himself a nip, run a bath (well, have one of his many servants run the bath) and enjoy a nice, quiet soak, while reminiscing on the last twenty years of his magic-free reign, when…
….He heard a cacophony coming from downstairs that sounded vaguely like the town brass band tuning up. 'Oh bloody hell' he muttered. 'What the…'
Wrapping his silk robe around him, the king ventured out his chamber door, and glanced out over the mezzanine floor at the scene in the large dining hall below. There appeared to be a lot going on for half past nine in the morning on his birthday, the one day when he ordered peace in the castle or else heads would roll. People were setting up banquet tables, a stage area with a live band, and place settings for at least fifty guests at the giant dining table. A large, many tiered cake was rolled out and placed near the head of the table, and finally, a long, wide, royal banner in red and gold was unfurled over the stage, by a couple of his henchmen perched at the very tops of the castle's tallest ladders, and as he read the banner, Uther's rage at being disturbed from his prior plans just melted away.
"Happy 50th Birthday to our King" it said.
Ever so quietly, Uther slipped back into his chambers for a quick shower, forgetting all about his proposed soak. It wasn't often his constituents got together to throw him a party, and even less often did they make it a surprise party. Uther wasn't normally one for surprises, but this was different. If he was very lucky, he might even score some presents!
Gwen was ever so glad to see Morgana show up with just five minutes until the first guest was supposed to rock up. 'Where have you been?' she asked her Lady, in a hissed whisper. 'I've been trying to get everything sorted for the past hour, so if you don't like the way something's done, I'm afraid you'll just have to suck it up, Princess'.
'No, everything looks fine' said Morgana, looking distracted. 'Where's Arthur?'
'Bossing around the valets – why?'
'Oh! Er, no reason' said the King's ward, glancing toward the side door, which led out to the stables and armoury.
Gwen's mouth dropped open. 'I know! You've got a secret date, haven't you, you dirty tart! Who is it, no, let me guess… Galahad? Is he finally going to pop that lock on your chastity belt?'
Morgana blushed. 'Gwen! Do not speak of such things!' then realised her handmaiden had just given her the perfect alibi. If I can just go and grab Excalibur, get past the red carpet outside without being noticed and head down to the dragon's lair, I should have him out by the time the king's ready to blow out his candles, Morgana thought. Then I can rush back up here, lead the toast, thank everyone for coming and… well, we all know what's to come next, don't we? Morgana let the ghost of a smile slip past her lips. 'Maybe you're right' she said to Gwen. 'Maybe I do have… ahem… other plans'.
'But you're supposed to be at the brunch, remember' Gwen reminded her. 'It was all your idea'.
'Oh I'll be there, all right' Morgana assured her. 'Don't worry about that. This shouldn't take long'.
Gwen raised an eyebrow. 'Really? That doesn't say much for Sir Galahad, I'm afraid'.
Morgana gave her handmaiden a Mona Lisa Smile. 'Who says it's Galahad I'm meeting up with?'
As she watched her boss head for the stables, a favourite rendezvous spot of Gwen herself, Morgana's loyal lady in waiting frowned, thoughtfully. If she's not going to make out with Galahad, Gwen thought, just who is this mystery man, who's managed to steal my lady's heart virtually overnight? Her curiosity growing by the minute, Gwen waylaid Arthur in the palace dining hall. 'Take charge of proceedings, will you?' she whispered. 'I've got to check on something'.
'Okay' said Arthur; mystified. 'Be quick, though, won't you? Father's bound to come downstairs, any minute'.
'I will' said Gwen, hurrying off. 'And don't eat all the sugar almonds before the guests show up'.
Arthur swallowed the almond he'd filched from the bowl on the banquet table behind him, and managed a grin without choking. 'Yes, dear'.
By a quarter to ten the huge dining hall was full to brimming with guests, all eager to wish their king a happy birthday (and maybe get themselves a slice of that cake, which looked like it could feed most of the outlying villages, five times over). The gifts table was filling up fast, so it was a good thing Arthur had made sure it was propped up with cinder blocks in case it sagged in the middle. Still there was no sign of his father, but that was hardly a surprise. He has to have spotted what's going on by now, Arthur thought. He's probably up there, polishing his crown, making sure he doesn't have morning breath and choosing just the right vest to match his cape.
Merlin drifted over; followed by that irritating singer his father was always drooling over, on the 24 hour MTV channel.
'Arthur, this is Ke$ha' he said. 'She's going to be singing Happy Birthday to your dad'.
Arthur made a face. 'Oh, she's not, is she? I thought we'd booked Pavarotti'.
'Pavarotti's dead'
'Or that other bloke, what's-his-name?'
'Tom Jones?'
'No, no! The short gay one'.
'Anthony Callea?'
'That's the one. Now that pillow-biter can sing'.
'My Lord, that's not a very PC thing to say' Merlin reminded him. 'You don't want Come-a-lot's gay population up in arms, do you?'
Arthur laughed. 'What could they do to me, tickle me to death with their feather boas? Honestly, Merlin, you worry too much'.
'Arthur! Merlin! What is this?'
The two young men turned as the king hurried down the stairs, looking like a kid on Christmas morning. 'This is great! This is really great! Happy birthday to me!'
Merlin raised an eyebrow. 'Has your old man been getting stuck into the top shelf grog? I've never seen him this upbeat on his birthday'.
'I know' said Arthur, frankly amazed, himself. 'Usually by this time he's screaming for someone's head to roll! He always gets terribly depressed on his birthday. That's why Morgana thought it would be an idea to throw a party, to cheer him up'.
'Well it looks like it worked' said Merlin. He turned to Ke$ha, who was making eyes at one of the bouncers at the door. 'Come on' he said, grabbing her elbow. 'I'll introduce you to the king'.
'Oooh, Elvis?' Ke$ha cooed.
Arthur had to stifle a mocking laugh. 'Uh… No. Elvis has well and truly left the building, dear. He's talking about my father. The birthday boy? The man you're going to sing to, later'.
'Oh, right' Ke$ha said, nodding. 'Like, when does this party start, already?'
'Now' said Merlin, dragging her over the king. 'Consider it starting, now'.
Meanwhile, Gwen had followed Morgana out to the stables, and ducked behind a hay bale in the hope of catching her boss in the arms of her mystery man. But she was out of luck, as all Morgana did was head over to the armoury, and pull one of the swords from the rack. Gwen's eyes widened when she saw which one. Excalibur! She thought. What does Morgana want with Arthur's sword?
The plot was definitely getting thicker. But people were pouring into the castle and it was almost time for brunch to officially begin. Gwen had to be there, and so did Morgana, or it would look mighty suss. But Her Worship obviously had other ideas. Gwen watched her Lady set off in the opposite direction to the festivities, the fabled sword wrapped in her cloak. I'll find out what you're up to, Morgana, Gwen thought, if it's the last thing I do!
The king was feeling rather pleased with himself as he sat at the head of the table, Ke$ha perched on his lap like Bad Santa's favourite elf, and most of his favourite constituents breakfasting merrily before him. Arthur had opened proceedings with a pat on the back for his old man, and a few words about what a great job he'd done, running the place over the last twenty years, and how proud he was to have Uther as a father, yada, yada, yada.
Morgana and Gwen have really outdone themselves with this feast, the king thought, wondering which caterers the pair had hired. Come to think of it, the king realised, where are those two? They should be at my right hand, dining beside me! Or at the very least, Morgana should!
He turned to his son. 'Have you seen Morgana this morning?'
'No Sire, but I suspect she's busy, with all the preparations, and having to co-ordinate the band and everything…'
'She should be here' Uther insisted. 'Have Merlin go find her'.
'Merlin' Arthur clicked his fingers. 'Go and look for Morgana, will you? She's missing – as is Gwen! I wonder what those two are up to?'
'Now?' Merlin complained, his lips smeared with blueberry sauce from the pancakes he was shoving into his face like a front end loader. 'I'm eating'.
'Yes, now. You can eat later' Arthur growled. 'Morgana should be here'.
'Why is that my responsibility?'
'Because you're my servant, and I told you to go'.
Merlin rolled his eyes as he left the table. 'Man-servant'
Gwen watched in disbelief as Morgana held Excalibur up so the dragon could see she had the right sword. 'Okay' it said. 'Now cut my chains'. It held out a leg.
'What are you waiting for?' It growled, when Morgana failed to move.
'I thought I'd have to say some kind of spell or enchantment, or something'.
'No. Just hit the chains' the dragon ordered. 'And hurry, will you? Twenty years makes for an awful lot of chafing'.
'Yeah yeah, don't get your knickers in a twist' Morgana said, sighing. 'Which would be kind of difficult, as you don't actually wear knickers…'
'Stop stalling!' the dragon roared, and both Morgana and Gwen, who was further down the corridor, out of the dragon's line of sight, ducked for fear he'd roast them with his breath.
'Okay, okay! I'm working on it!'
'Not very hard, from my vantage point' the dragon whined.
Morgana ignored that one, and lifted the sword over her head again. 'Here goes' she said, and brought the sword down on the manacle around the dragon's foot or claw or whatever you'd call it. Gwen bit her lip. She was sure she was supposed to have yelled out, or done something to stop this from happening, but all she could do was hunker in shame behind an outcropping of rock, like a total coward. She didn't have the slightest idea why Morgana would want to release the dragon, but whatever the reason, it didn't bode well for the king; or the kingdom in general.
'Hm' said Morgana, thoughtfully. 'I wonder why that didn't work'.
The dragon was quickly losing his patience. 'The chain, you brainless wench! You were meant to hit the chain, and that will magically open the manacle around my leg'.
'Well, you could've said' Morgana sulked. 'Alright, I'll try again'.
This time it worked, and the dragon, finally free of his bonds, did a victory lap of his former prison, whooping with joy. Coming to settle on the rock ledge where he'd had so many of his conversations and arguments with Merlin, Kilgaro smiled at his rescuer. 'I am in debt to you, my Lady' he told her. 'Anything you want – just name it and it will be done'.
'Oh well, you know about Uther' Morgana said. 'And Queen Mab… But I was also thinking, maybe…' she took a quick look behind her, and Gwen ducked behind her hiding place, just in time. 'Come here. I can't say the name aloud'.
Gwen frowned. It didn't take a genius to figure out what Morgana had in mind for Uther and Mab, but who else did she plan on char-grilling, Cajun-style?
The dragon nodded gravely. 'By the time the king's birthday banquet dinner is finished, there will be three more items on the menu' he/she/it said, and licked its lips at the thought.
Gwen shuddered. I must get back and warn the king, she thought. Before all hell breaks loose!
All hell was threatening to break loose anyway, as Ke$ha, brain-dead twat she was, forgot Eris's warning about singing Tic Toc, and the Goddess was turning all sorts of colours in an effort to keep from using magic to turn the girl into an organ-grinding monkey or something weird like that. Camilla had to kick her in the shin to remind her that magic was forbidden in Uther's kingdom. But the king was clueless to her torment, as he sat in his chair at the head of the table, beaming from ear to ear.
'Now this is what I call a party' he told Arthur, who looked bored out of his mind.
Finally Gwen and Morgana took their seats close to the head of the table, one looking mighty pleased with herself; and the other like she'd seen a ghost. Merlin appeared soon after, seemingly from out of nowhere. When he saw Gwen and Morgana, he was so surprised he dropped the mini quiche he was holding, and juggled it like a third rate clown to stop it from hitting the floor.
'Oh, there you are' he said, finally getting a good grip on the quiche. 'See, Arthur? I told you they were probably just busy fixing their hair; or something'. He threw the finger food safely into his mouth before he could drop it again; then took his seat.
'So you decided you'd take a detour and feed your face instead of looking for them?' Arthur grumbled. 'Typical'.
Everyone (except for perhaps Uther) breathed a sigh of relief when the last irritating notes of Tic Toc sounded and Ke$ha jumped up and down like a cheerleader on crack. 'Now it's time to sing happy birthday to, err… um…' she turned and whispered something to her guitarist; then returned to the mike. 'To Come-a-Lot's King Uther! Yay! Happy Birthday, Uthey-baby!'
Merlin leaned over and chuckled into Morgana's ear. 'She forgot his name, what's the bet'.
'I'll bet she forgot the name of the kingdom' Morgana replied. 'Those musician types never know what city they're in, from one minute to the next'.
'So, now, I'll, like, sing Happy Birthday to my favourite ruler' Ke$ha said, batting her eyelids at the king, who melted, visibly, in his seat.
Without musical backing, the blonde pop star did a blatant rip-off of Marilyn Monroe's ode to John F Kennedy, complete with a little hip-wiggle at the end. Uther's face was flushed as he turned to his son and said, 'I think I'll be rolling out the Don't Disturb sign tonight, son and heir! Eh?' He nudged Arthur and winked.
'Father, you've had one too many pints of mead, already' Arthur pointed out. 'I'd be a little worried about brewer's droop, if I were you'.
'Ah, that's where you're wrong' Uther assured him. 'After Merlin introduced me to that lovely piece over there, Henry, my faithful manservant, slipped me one of his little blue pills, and now I'm rarin' to go! Horny as that goat weed stuff Gaius is always peddling…'
'Father!' said Arthur, shocked, and admittedly, impressed. 'You're not taking someone else's prescription medication, are you? Viagra isn't to be trifled with…'
'Ah, go to buggery' slurred Uther. 'I'll do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want…' (As if to prove a point, he broke into a rather melodic rendition of "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to"; substituting "cry" for a four letter word not often said in polite company).
Just as he'd hit a crescendo, someone stood up and started tapping the side of their champagne flute with a fork. All the talking in the dining hall settled down as the entire room turned toward the king's ward.
'I would like to say a few words' Morgana began. 'Uther has been like a father to me since he sent my own father off to die in a bloody battle that had little to do with him. And so he should. He owes me'.
'Here, here' called Galahad.
'And today, the man I now call Father celebrates his fiftieth year of life. I ask you all to charge your glasses and join me in a toast to our king'.
'This is it' whispered Eris to Camilla. 'This is the moment we've been waiting for'.
'Are you sure it's going to work?' Camilla asked. 'Nothing could go wrong?'
'Don't even mention it' Eris hissed. 'Nothing can go wrong'.
'Stop!' Yelled Gaius, running into the room as fast as his arthritic legs would take him. 'Don't drink from that goblet, Sire! It's poisoned!'
'Oh, bloody hell' groaned Eris. 'Except that'.
'What are you talking about, old man?' Uther thundered. 'You're ruining my birthday party!'
'I'm saving your life, my King' Gaius corrected him. 'You see, I just happened to overhear a conversation between two of your guests this morning! They did an enchantment on your favourite wine goblet so that when you drank from it, you would fall down dead!'
Most of the townsfolk gasped in shock, but Morgana glanced over at Eris; then Mab. It could only be one of those two. Or perhaps they were in on it, together? No, she thought. Eris may be the conspiring type, but Mab isn't. She'd want the glory all to herself.
But the ugly witch queen looked just as flummoxed as any of the other guests.
Unless she's faking it, Morgana thought. That would be just like her!
'The Goddess Eris' Gaius cried, '…Is the one behind this'.
'Prove it', Eris said, her lavender eyes flashing. 'Just prove it, old man'.
'There is no such thing as a Goddess' Uther raged. 'That's blasphemy! There is only one God, and he's male!'
'Actually…' Eris said, putting up her hand as if she were in class, 'I happen to have seen your Christian God, with my own eyes, and I'm here to tell you its neither male nor female. More of a weird, pulsating, snot-green light, really…'
'You will shut your hole; blasphemer!' Uther cried.
Eris shrugged. 'Yeah well, whatever'.
'Guards, throw her in the dungeons!' Uther demanded. 'She's to be executed, tomorrow morning, nine o'clock, sharp!'
'But Sire' Camilla cried, 'You can't execute a deity! Grave consequences will come down upon you and your kingdom if you try to kill a goddess! Take me, instead'.
'I fully intend to execute you both' Uther told her.
'You can't execute Camilla! She hasn't done anything wrong!' Merlin protested. 'Plus, she's kinda my girlfriend'.
Camilla, who had tears running down her cheeks, fought the guards trying to drag her away from Merlin. 'Just let me talk to him' she begged. 'Please…'
'Throw them downstairs and chain them to the wall' Uther commanded his hired goons. 'And I want an around the clock guard on the cells. Those prisoners are not to be allowed to escape'.
'Why are you doing this?' Merlin asked, throwing himself at the king's mercy.
'Because the Goddess or whatever she calls herself was conspiring to kill me; that's why! And because your little hussy was right in on it, with her! And don't say she wasn't. I didn't come down in the last shower…'
Or the one before it, Merlin thought, bitterly. Or the one before that, you old tyrant! I must try and bust Camilla and Eris out of jail before dawn!
'And' Uther added, 'If you so much as think about breaking them out of jail, I'll have your head lopped off and fixed to the wall of my private bathroom, just so you have to spend eternity watching me take a dump'.
Well, Merlin thought, it's a good job you don't read minds, then! As he watched the guards drag Camilla and Eris away, he remembered something. Uther may not read minds. But Camilla could! Maybe there was a way to save her, after all…
Come on, Morgana thought, impatiently. Where are you, Kilgaro? I couldn't have planned a better diversion, myself! While Uther's busy ranting and foaming at the mouth over Eris's failed plot to kill him, you've got the perfect opportunity to burst in here, and kill him! So, at the risk of sounding like Lara Bingle, where the bloody hell are you, Dragon Breath?
As if in answer to her question, a loud roar could be heard from just outside the castle. Uther went from ruddy to pale in seconds flat. 'What was that?'
Merlin thought he knew that sound, and gulped. It couldn't possibly be true – could it? If so, who had done it? Who had dared release the beast from his twenty year prison?
Another roar shook loose some candles from the walls and they fell, their flames dying the instant they hit the marble floors. The stained glass windows shook. The sixty-odd guests gasped and murmured in horror, as the outline of a very ticked off dragon appeared in one of the long, arched windows of the massive dining hall.
'It's Godzilla' Gawain breathed. 'Come to life!'
'You idiot' Galahad scoffed. 'It's not Godzilla! It's a dragon, can't you see that? Check the wings. Godzilla didn't have wings'.
'It's Judgement Day' Uther muttered. 'It's the end of everything'.
Arthur thought otherwise. 'Come on, Father' he said, grabbing his old man by the shoulders. 'Let's get you to safety, and my men and I will take care of it'.
'There's no taking care of it' Uther babbled. 'He'll roast you alive, and eat your carcass…'
'What's wrong with him?' Lancelot wanted to know. 'He's not acting very king-like'.
'He's wigging out' Arthur explained. Spinning, he looked for Merlin. 'Merlin, get my father up to his room! I'm going to fight the…'
But before Arthur could finish his sentence, the dragon smashed through the floor-to-ceiling window, and headed straight for the king and his son!
Merlin's bright blue eyes zipped from the dragon to Arthur, who was blocking his father from the dragon's reach with his shield. But the shield could only cover one person at a time, and Arthur's blond head was visible over the top. In an instant, Merlin made a life-altering decision, and fixed his magical gaze on Arthur's shield. As the dragon's breath raced toward Arthur, the young prince's shield seemed to double in size. Luckily both Arthur and Uther had turned their heads away from the scorching heat being blasted at them, and didn't notice Merlin standing off to the left, his eyes glowing like embers. But someone did see - someone who previously had no clue as to Merlin's gift.
Gwen gasped. Merlin's a sorcerer!
No, she thought. Merlin's a hero.
Things happened terribly quickly after that. Needing a few minutes rest to refuel, the dragon flew toward the banquet table. Guests shrieked and ran every which way, just trying to disappear before the beast decided it wanted to be a living flame thrower again. Spotting a tall, blonde, ugly woman running for the stairs, a short, tasty looking morsel hot on her heels, Kilgaro grinned and forgot all about the banquet food. He hadn't had a faerie since he dined on that old fag-hag, Tinkerbell, back in '66. Time for a trip down memory lane, he thought, remembering the way she'd sizzled and popped in his mouth like Sherbert. The poor lad screamed as the dragon swooped, almost biting him in half in the process.
'Alfie!' the blonde woman screamed as she turned to see her servant being devoured whole. 'No! Alfric!'
Kilgaro gobbled up Alfie like he was mere finger food; then headed for the blonde woman. Christ, he thought, hope she tastes better than she looks!
But the blonde woman wasn't above doing magics on him. Her eyes glowed and pink sparks flew from her fingers. All of a sudden, the dragon ran straight into an invisible brick wall. Bitch, he thought. Terrific! She's done a binding spell. That's just great. How am I supposed to work my way through Morgana's shit list if they're all using magic on me? This is not fair!
He turned back to look for Uther, but he and Arthur had gone. Spotting a lone blonde girl dressed like a slutty Bratz doll in a too-short skirt and Come-Fuck-Me boots cowering in the corner (as if by doing that somehow the dragon couldn't see her) Kilgaro honed in on her, instead. But the girl didn't run, or shriek, or do anything like that. No – she started to sing! And not even very well. Also, she had an extremely annoying American accent.
'My first kiss went a little like thiiiiis' she bleated, annoying. 'And twiiist, and twiiiist…'
Kilgaro couldn't stand it. 'What are you doing?' he asked her, flabbergasted.
'Um… Soothing the savage beast?' the girl replied, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.
'Not very bloody likely' said Kilgaro. And burned her to a cinder where she stood.
With Arthur and Uther out of harm's way, at least for the time being, Merlin made his way down to the catacombs underneath the castle, searching wildly for where the king's men had stashed his lady love and her boss. He hadn't had time to think up a plan thanks to the dragon's showy entrance, but he was hoping that the guards had heard the massacre upstairs and had decided to hightail it out of there before they had their arses handed to them, as well. If he could just find the right dungeon…
'Merlin'.
He turned to find Gaius wandering the dank corridors, as well. 'Gaius… what are you doing down here?'
'Hiding, just like you' Gaius replied. 'Oh, I could have gone to the bomb shelter with Arthur, Uther, Gwen and Morgana, but they would have kicked me out, anyway. I'm old, frail, and not worth wasting a week's rations on…'
'I'm not hiding' Merlin told him. 'Can you keep a secret?'
'Merlin' said Gaius, impatiently. 'I've kept yours for this long, haven't I?'
'Oh yeah – of course. I forgot about that. I'm not talking about that secret, though. I'm busting Camilla out. I don't know how, but I'm going to do it'.
Gaius looked up at his tall, skinny young protégé. The boy's blue eyes were wide and full of determination. His jaw was set, and he looked ready for action. Gaius felt something stirring under his robes. 'Of course you are, my dear boy' he said. 'Come with me… I think I know where the king might have them stashed'.
'Really?' asked Merlin, 'You'll help me? But you could get into terrible trouble…'
'I don't care about myself, anymore, Merlin' Gaius replied. 'I'm old, and my knees ache when it rains. If Uther wants to kill me, he can have at it. But I'd do anything for you, my boy. Anything at all…'
With a hand on the small of Merlin's back, willing himself not to go lower, Gaius led Merlin down the hall and around a bend, then opened a heavy wooden door. 'They're in there' he said, and grinned evilly as Merlin crossed the threshold, eager to see his lady love.
'But… Gaius… There's no one in here' Merlin said, sounding confused. Turning, he started to understand his predicament, as Gaius closed the heavy door behind him, and rammed the sliding bolt into place.
The old pervert opened the small window in the top of the door and watched as Merlin's eyes glowed, then nothing. Glowed; then nothing.
Gaius hit the intercom button. 'The room is protected by a spell barring magic from being used in there' he told his prisoner. 'Nothing you do will work; my young warlock. You're mine; now, to do with as I wish'. He shivered with the delicious anticipation of it.
'You were supposed to be my friend!' Merlin accused, looking as though he was fighting tears. 'Were you just lying to me, all these years? Biding your time until you had the chance to get me in here? What are you planning on doing, torturing me?'
'Something like that' said his captor, cryptically. He closed the window and turned away, smiling to himself. Yes. Something very nearly like that…
Next on Misadventures of Merlin
Will Gwen be able to keep Merlin's secret?
Will Gaius have his way with Merlin, at last?
Arthur and the Knights hunt the dragon; and
Morgana realises that if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself…
