Chapter 7 Flames of Desires, Flames that Burn

Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Any heart, not tough,
Not strong enough
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

I'm young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing, or two
I learned, from you
I really learned a lot,
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not foolin' me

I know it isn't true,
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh, ooh love hurts
Ooh, ooh love hurts

I know it isn't true,
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
Ooh ooh love hurts
Ooh ooh...

Buffy rolled over and woke up and sighed. It was the day, the big day. First she had to go to school and teach but tonight she would be celebrating Connor's one year birthday party. He is now one, where did the time go? Buffy got out of bed and headed to Connor's room and opened the door. Connor was standing up in his crib ready to get out. Buffy had a huge smile and Connor smiled back at her.

"Happy birthday big boy." Buffy said to him as she walked into the room and held out her hands and he reached for her smiling. About three weeks ago he said the word momma and Buffy nearly lost it. She had to announce to the world her son was speaking. In fact she had Angel come over to tell him. Connor said momma in front of Angel and Angel couldn't help but smile. It was intense. Angel thought that was the coolest thing, his first word was momma clear as day.

Now Connor is a year old today. A year ago when her world was crumbling one good thing happened and that was the little boy in her arms hugging her.

'Elizabeth and Faith were sitting together at a local coffee shop. But coffee didn't seem to be making Elizabeth happy, it was making her feel a little nauseas. She tried to sip on it but no she couldn't. Right now it was girl talk time.

"I know that look, when you get really quiet." Faith said and Elizabeth looked up to her friend. "So you going to tell me?" Faith asked and Elizabeth sighed.

"Something's wrong," Elizabeth answered and Faith looked interested. "I don't know maybe it's me but I've noticed that Angelus leaves in the middle of the night." She explained and Faith nodded thinking.

"You think he could be," But Faith didn't finish that last part as Elizabeth gave that concerned look as she was considering it. "You two have been married for what a year and half now?" Faith asked and Elizabeth nodded. "That kind of stuff happens when you guys are like forty. It could be nothing."

"I don't know I just have this gut feeling you know and I don't know how I can confront him about it. I mean I know what he'll say and he'll give me that charming smile and for a moment I'll believe it but the feeling won't go away."Elizabeth explained and she sighed. In order for marriage to work you had to communicate but to talk about a subject like that, there's no easy way to ease into that one.

"You love him?" Faith asked and Elizabeth wanted to say yes right now but she didn't, something was holding her back.

"I…I've been asking that myself a lot lately and, and I say yes." Elizabeth answered but there was more. "I'm just trying to figure out how that works. Maybe the real problem is we got married like barely a year of dating and I'm insecure or something." Faith nodded and understood.

"Eli," Faith didn't know what to say though.

"How do I find out?" Elizabeth asked.

The night was here and it was very late or early depending on the person you talked to. Elizabeth got dressed and headed out, something wasn't right. She's been waking up and Angelus isn't there. He was there when she went to sleep but then he would be gone. At first it didn't seem all that alarming but now, something wasn't right. She stayed awake and once he left she quickly got ready and went to follow. Part of knew she shouldn't because if she did she might see something that could hurt her or hopefully it wouldn't be anything.

Elizabeth followed Angelus to his office, maybe he was swamped at work and in order to get things done he had to do it in the oddest hours of the night. But why wouldn't he tell her? Was he too proud? Elizabeth had a key to the building so she went in. She didn't want to get caught so she had to be quiet. Elizabeth headed upstairs to his office hoping to see the light on and Angelus working. As she got close she heard something, it was giggling a woman's giggle. Elizabeth walked to the door and peaked in, her heart was racing not knowing what she was about to see. From the crack she saw Angelus and Drusilla. He had Drusilla bent over his desk and she quickly pulled way not being able to look anymore. Elizabeth left quickly and went home. When she got home she sat on her bed and completely lost it. She curled up in a ball and cried. How do you handle something like that? How do you go on after that?

Elizabeth laid in bed and then she heard the door open. She quickly closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep as she heard Angelus get dressed and then felt him crawl into bed. He cuddled up next to her and kissed her shoulder and pulled her close. She wasn't sure what to do. This man just had sex with Drusilla on his desk and now he was cuddling beside her like nothing happened.

The next day came and Elizabeth went to work and then came home and waited. She had to know why, was it her? Was she not good enough? As she sat Angelus came in looking happy and she stood up. He came up to her and she backed away. Something wasn't right and he could feel it.

"Lizzy what's wrong?" He asked and she just looked at him.

"Why?" She asked and he shrugged not understanding the question.

"What? What did I do?" He asked and Elizabeth needed to be strong and hold the tears back.

"It's not what you're doing it's who you're doing." Elizabeth answered and she caught a quick look on his face. He was in trouble there was no getting out of it. But how did she find out? Who ever told her was going to get a beating. "Drusilla, why? What's wrong with you?"

"Lizzy," Angelus started but Elizabeth wasn't going to have it. "It's not like that."

"Yeah bending her over your desk is all just fun and games. How long have you been sleeping with her? Before we were married? What I'm not good enough?" Elizabeth asked but Angelus said nothing.

"Lizzy, I, I she means nothing." He tried to save himself. "I love you." But she said nothing.

"How could you?" Elizabeth asked and turned away and left him but Angelus wasn't done. He caught up to her and grabbed her. "You don't touch me, you've lost that right!" Elizabeth was clear but Angelus wasn't going to take no for answer. He did love her and wanted her. Elizabeth shoved him off and was going get her bags she packed and leave. He then grabbed her again and this time she wasn't having it anymore. Angelus was trying to kiss her hoping it would make it better. But she was seeing red and wanted nothing to do with him. He reached for her again and she stomped on his foot and with the palm of her hand threw it up so his head went back.

Her father taught her some basic moves once. It was never meant to take the opponent down but enough to get away. Her father never wanted her to be a victim. It worked but Angelus looked shocked. She looked shocked that she did it. Then Angelus went to swing a punch but he purposely missed her and hit the wall. Elizabeth didn't move and was even more shell shocked. Angelus has hit many women raped them and even killed one but this one he couldn't lay a hand on her. Elizabeth slipped away and grabbed her bags and left as Angelus stood there, blank. He heard the door close and then slowly made his way to clean and well kept bed room. He then went to the bathroom to shower hoping it might make him feel better. But when he got there though he found something.

On the counter there was a box and a stick. The tip of the stick was blue and he picked up the box and looked at it. Blue meant pregnant, Elizabeth was pregnant. Angelus dropped the box and stick and backed into the wall and slid to the floor and his world was spinning. Outside Elizabeth got a cab and got in. She was going to her mother's place but as she left she couldn't hold it in anymore and the tears ran down her cheeks like a water faucet on full blast.'

That felt like a life time ago and now that little baby was here. She wasn't sure if she could trust any man again. Yes Angelus killed people in cold blood but that, sleeping with someone else it seemed to cut deeper. Not every man was like that of course she knew that. But to trust again with the possibility of a letdown, she didn't know if she could handle it. To a degree Connor was created out of love but some of it was desire. She knew in order to move on she needed to place trust back into people, into men again. Buffy looked to her son and he smiled and reached and hugged her. It was time to get Connor ready for the day.

The school day went by so slow for Buffy. She was ready to celebrate her son's birthday. Once the school day was done Buffy rushed to the daycare center. When she got there the girls of the center threw Connor a little party and they were finishing up.

"Look its mommy," Willow pointed and Connor looked up and smiled. He was standing up and holding onto Willow's hand. He wasn't walking yet not alone though. He needed assistance but Buffy could tell he really wanted to just walk. Buffy reached over and picked him up and he laughed. "Yeah threw a little party bash here for him you know pre-gamming." Buffy smiled.

"Thank you." Buffy said to her friend. "So you and Oz still coming?" Buffy asked.

"Wouldn't miss it." Willow answered as a little kid came running up to her quickly hugged her and then ran off. "Oh you heard what they want to do with nap time?" Willow asked and Buffy went from smiling to looking livid.

"Oh my god I know they can't do that." Buffy stated. Last week rumor was going around that they were planning on ending nap time for children ages five to seven which meant kindergarten through second grade the kids would go without nap or a quiet time. Buffy needed that quiet time because it was also her quiet time too. After recess when the children wear themselves out it's a forty five minute to an hour nap time or quiet time. Some children just sat and played quietly others completely passed out. "The school will have a riot on their hands if they do that. Who makes these rules?"

"Some dude at desk." Willow answer as Connor was awake from his nap and ready to take on the world. Buffy set him down by her feet and he crawled away because there were toys that were much more fun than adults talking.

"Really," Buffy added. "It better not happen do they have an idea what a six child is like without down time?" Buffy asked and Willow smiled. "They can be awful, just awful." Then they both heard something fall and turned to Connor where he knocked down a tower of blocks. Buffy smiled and looked to Willow.

"He likes to tear down things." Willow explained to Buffy and she smiled and nodded. "Maybe he'll work in construction." Buffy shrugged thinking that could work. Buffy then walked over to her son picked him up but he didn't like that and gave a scream of disapproval and Willow and Buffy did the 'O' look with a smile.

"Connor," Buffy was amazed with that little tantrum. "Well the man of the hour needs to go home and get ready for his big night." Buffy said and Connor smiled forgetting all about the blocks.

"Angel's coming right?" Willow asked and Buffy had that look. For six months now she's been hearing Angel, Angel, Angel. There was nothing wrong with Angel but if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. Buffy nodded and Willow smiled. "Well I'll see you two in a few hours."

At the Summers' house Joyce was decorating for the party. Her mother knew how to go over the top and Giles was with her. Also there was Cordelia and Doyle helping. Joyce would have had Angel come over but he was at work keeping the streets safe. Joyce didn't understand why Buffy was taking so long to date him; he was a well liked and well respected man. Angel was handsome, had a highly respectable job, held a high position, made good money and yet they were only friends. She didn't raise her daughter right.

The decorations were almost done and next was to get the food ready. There wasn't anyone coming except Buffy's friends but Joyce loved to go over the top especially because this was her grandson's first birthday. He will turn one once and never again so might as well go big.

"So should we bring any food?" Doyle asked Joyce as she was on chair putting some streamers up.

"Well I'm breaking the dip." Cordelia stated and Giles nodded and went back to helping Joyce by passing her tape.

"You've gotta admire the purity of it." Doyle added.

"Onion dip, stirring not cooking it's what I bring." Cordelia said and Joyce continued to hanging streamers up.

"So what kind of deal is this?" Doyle asked and they all looked at him. "A gathering, shindig or a hootenanny?" Doyle asked them.

"What's the difference?" Cordelia asked as she helped Joyce in taping the streamers.

"Well a gathering is breá, mellow song styling's. Shindig dip, less mellow song styling's perhaps a large amount of malt beverages. And hootenanny well that's a chock full of hoot and just a little bit of nanny." Doyle explained and Giles nodded not understanding as he passed Joyce more decorations.

"Guys this is a just a kid's one year old birthday party, not like we're breaking out the shot glasses." Giles spoke up and everyone's faces looked a little sad, they were hoping to have drink at the end of the night.

"Party crasher." Doyle muttered and then they all heard the front door open. Buffy walked in and sighed seeing what her mom has been up to. There were blue and red streams everywhere. Hanging right where you walk in you had the Happy Birthday streamer and Buffy walked into the kitchen where the table had a truck table cloth and the all the party decorations that go with it.

"Hello sweetie." Joyce said and everyone said hi and Connor looked around he seemed to like all the streamers.

"Oh my god." Buffy said looking around and realized just much her mom decorated. "And my mom has gone crazy with the streamers and confetti." And Joyce came over to her and put her arm around her daughter's shoulder.

"You'll thank me for this one day." Joyce said.

"Doubt that." Buffy added.

"Well at least Connor appreciates it right Connor?" Joyce asked and took Connor from Buffy. "My grandson is one today." Connor smiled and Buffy smiled and rolled her eyes. Her mom can go over the top with things like these but somehow she knew years from now she'll remember this and thank her mom. Connor reached for a streamer wanting it. "Oh balloons those are next."

The evening had settled in and Buffy was ready except she had to blow dry her hair. Connor was in her room with her helping her by holding the hair drier. They were a team and they made a good team too. Then Buffy took the hair drier from Connor and then let the warm air hit him and he smiled. He liked it and would close his eyes and slowly move his head side to side. Buffy giggled every time he did that. Buffy turned off the drier and now it was time to get the birthday boy ready. Connor sat on her bed as she pulled out two outfits he could wear.

"Ok the monkey or the lamb?" Buffy asked him and he looked at his two options. "Money right?" Buffy asked and then started to dress him. Buffy then put his little jeans and socks on and now mom and son were ready. She needed to feed him before the guest come over so she headed downstairs where her mother was still putting up last minute party things up. The people coming were Willow, Oz, Xander, Anya, Doyle, Cordelia, Spike, Joyce, Giles and Angel. Maybe when Connor was older she would have friends of his come but for now he didn't have friends, he was just a year. Buffy got into the kitchen and put Connor in his chair and went to put his dinner together.

Connor's dinner was ready and while she was finishing plating everything Joyce turned on the music. No one was watching just Connor and he couldn't say anything so Buffy started to dance because she was alone in the kitchen while Joyce and Giles were in the living room. She knew how to dance so why not. She was in a relaxed mood at the moment and why not enjoy herself tonight with her son.

Connor smiled as his mom danced and thank god no one was watching because she was dancing a little bit seductively. Connor couldn't speak yet not in full sentences so this wouldn't be repeated but someone was watching. Angel had walked into the kitchen but backed off and stayed hidden as he watched Buffy dancing while serving Connor as she swayed her hips. He smiled at it and she kept dancing and then opening the refrigerator swaying her hips. He smiled at it thinking she was way too cute. Then Angel looked to Connor and he saw him and smiled. Angel couldn't help himself and went to join in. He came up behind Buffy putting his hands on her waist and she wanted to die but she laughed instead. Then Angel held out her arms and then spun her around and pulled her close and danced with her rather seductively. Connor was just sitting in his chair smiling at the show. Then as the song ended Angel bent her backwards and she was still laughing and then the song ended.

Connor clapped at the entertainment and both of them stood up smiling. Ever since that trip to Vegas they have grown just a little closer. Their friends were waiting for the day they gave in.

"Hi," Angel said with a smile.

"Hey," Buffy replied and then Angel turned to Connor.

"Happy birthday," Angel said to him and Connor smiled and clapped and then reached for his food and started to eat. Angel was the first here but any minute now everyone else would show up.

The little party went on and there were two cakes, one small one for Connor and one for everyone else. Connor ate some of his cake, some of it was on his shirt, some of it went into his hair, some of it was all over his face, pieces of it were on the ground. It was a mess but a funny mess. For Connor he wouldn't remember this but Buffy would.

After cake and Buffy doing her best to clean Connor up it was gift time. Buffy sat in a chair with gifts around her. She loved gifts and can tear through them in minutes. Connor wasn't old enough to understand so oh well to bad guess she had to open them. Every time she opened up a gift she would show Connor and he smiled. He got a number of toys and clothes which was always good. Joyce helped Buffy set all the toys aside and the guest now just hung out. When some songs came on some of the guest tried to sing to it. Connor wouldn't remember this but Buffy would and it was a great party.

The night went on but it was getting late well late for a school and work night. The party was now down to the birthday boy, Buffy, Angel, Joyce and Giles. The five of them were in the living room sitting together. Well Joyce and Giles were on the smaller couch while Angel, Buffy and Connor had the bigger couch. Connor was fighting sleep as in he didn't want to miss anything. Then Joyce had an idea.

"So Angel you know Buffy was an ice skater right?" Joyce asked and Angel nodded.

"No videos mom." Buffy spoke up.

"Oh Buffy," Joyce got up and went to the shelf that had movies. "She was quite the skater let me tell you. Who was it that you want to be like?" Joyce asked as she searched for a video.

"Dorothy Hamill," Buffy answered and Angel smiled. "Yeah when I was little my room was like a shrine. Dorothy dolls, Dorothy posters I even had the Dorothy Hamill haircut." Buffy said and Angel's smile was even bigger and Buffy laughed realizing she just embarrassed herself. "Yeah there by securing me in the geek hall of fame."

"You liked her." Angel stated and Buffy nodded.

"I wanted to be her, she was my inspiration." Buffy added as Joyce found something and put it in and she searched for a spot to start it. She had to make sure both Angel and Giles did not hear Buffy's real name. Before and after every show the announcers introduces each skater and it might be a little confusing to hear Elizabeth Sherman when they see her on ice when they know her as Buffy Summers. Joyce found a spot as a younger Buffy was on ice. Angel leaned in a little wanting to watch this. The young Buffy was in a pretty deep red leotard. She looked to be maybe fifteen.

"East of Eden, one of her best shows." Joyce said proudly and Buffy smiled as the music started and her younger self on the TV started to skate. Yes she missed those days when it was all so simple. Angel smiled as he watched the show. The young girl looked beautiful skating to the beautiful music. She was very tiny back then but fast and when she jumped in the air it took his breath away. She was something else. Angel was glued to the TV and Buffy noticed. Thinking back on it she couldn't remember if she told Angelus she was a world class skater but all didn't matter now. But she could tell Angel liked it.

The night was done as Buffy put her sleeping son to bed. Connor was out cold as she put him in his crib a crib he wouldn't need soon. Angel was in the room with them watching as Buffy put her son down.

"Someone's tuckered out." Angel mentioned and Buffy nodded smiling.

"He'll sleep right through the night which is a gift to me." Buffy added as she put the blanket on him and then watched Connor sleep for a moment. Angel then stood next to Buffy watching Connor with her. He was an interesting little boy that Angel hoped would see grow up. Buffy went to turn around a leave but ended up walking into Angel. They were still as they looked to each other. The room was dark and the only light coming in was from the hallway. It casted a rather interesting shadow on them, haunting and beautiful if there was such a thing. They were very close and they wanted to get just a little closer and did. Buffy closed her eyes and felt him kiss her. She could remember the New Years kiss and how amazing that was and this one was even better. Angel put his arms around her pulling her in and she allowed it. This kiss was a little bit more intense than the last one and heated too.

They stumbled into the hallway still not breaking the kiss. Buffy managed to close Connor's door before making it to her room. Passion was taking over and it when passion takes control it can be almost impossible to stop. They made it into her room and Angel meant to close the door and somewhat succeeded but it only shut half way. Buffy fell first onto the bed with Angel towering over her. This could get out of hand so very quickly and they both knew it. But why stop? Buffy for once felt safe and comfortable. This it finally they were going give in and be a couple. After nearly six months of waiting finally they were going to be a couple. Angel pulled away from her lips and nipped at her neck and that elicit a moan from Buffy and he liked it.

Buffy was getting lost in his kisses and wanted it. Yes her mother was downstairs but this was her house she could kiss a man if she wanted. It is her mom and friends who want this. She did want this as Angel found her lips again and she felt so warm. Just as she was about to fall completely something hit her, was this something or just desire. The last one was a little bit of love and mostly lust and desire. She tried to push those thoughts away; Angel wasn't all lust and desire. He had desire but it was to have her completely, she was the apple of his eye. It wasn't like Angelus right? Angelus just wanted everything but not Angel right? But there was a deep scar. You couldn't see it, you couldn't touch it but it was there and it has yet to heal. Maybe it never well but it was too fresh right now. But could Angel help close it? She now couldn't drive those thoughts away and some fear and sadness took over and the passion wasn't strong enough.

"No, no I can't," Buffy mumbled in between the kisses that took her well into the heavens. Angel stopped not wanting to push on something she was uncomfortable with. Angel pulled back as she sat up she wanted to kick herself for stopping what could have been a wonderful moment. She knew Angel would want answers but how much could she and want to reveal to him? "I can't, not now," Angel looked hurt, he's waiting and she could tell. He deserved to be told why not just because she knew she was sending mixed signals and it wasn't fair for him. "I'm sorry I," She had no clue where to start. "I'm still messed up from," She paused and Angel got the picture. "I can't think about this or us now." Well she could, she did think about them all the time but the fear had its hold right now.

Angel nodded not saying a word as he got up and she wanted to cry and pretend what she said would be taken back. She wanted to jump into his arms and hold him. His arms felt the safest place to be in. She fought the tears and it was one hell of a battle. Angel didn't know what to do, he wanted her and not just for the sex, he wanted her completely. She was the woman he's been searching for but there was a wall and until she could conquer that wall no matter what he does this, them, could never happen. Whoever she was with before did this and he wanted to find him and really just beat the crap out of him for treating any woman like this.

"I'm so sorry," Buffy said and he could hear it in her voice. She was sorry and she was heartbroken. So what can he do? Angel reached out and took her hand into his and kissed it and then began to leave. That was to tell her he was still sticking around regardless about this moment. That small gesture that had no words was more powerful than anything he could have said. Angel then got up to leave and walked away hurting. Just before he left the room Buffy stood up. "Angel," And he turned around to his name as Buffy stood there but she didn't know what to say. He could tell she wanted to say something but nothing came out. Angel then left to go home. Buffy had to shake it off and act like that never happened before seeing her mother off.

The house was now empty with just Buffy and Connor and now she could finally cry alone. She was alone in her bed crying but that wasn't something new. She's cried many times alone so this was her past time. She was crying not just because of what happened between her and Angel earlier but she was crying about Angelus. He caused her more pain than she thought was possible. He betrayed her trust and that cut deep. Trust can be hard to earn and if not taken care of it may never be returned. But she felt that Angel deserved better than what she had to offer him.

Angel sat in his living room with a glass of whiskey in his hand. The day was a great day and the way it ended and by looking at Angel you'd think he lost a friend. He knew he shouldn't have pushed and just waited. Now he might come off as wanting one thing and that's not all he wanted. Really he wanted to be a part of that little family next door. But Buffy's past relationship did some damage on her. And from what he has felt she loved her previous man and was willing to give him everything but he threw it away. Angel would have accepted the offer in less than a second but he doesn't get to make the calls on this one. This was about Buffy learning to forgive and learn to love another and to understand someday that he was right here.

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think
that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

So a rather powerful chapter. Yeah I know I got Angel and Buffy dancing around each other but I promise it works and it'll make the end of this so much better. So with Elizabeth/Angelus we see the unraveling of their relationship and we'll see more of it until it totally implodes and believe me it ends in an ugly way. But if you noticed as I tell that story and how they fall apart Angel and Buffy make steps forward. Kind of a parallel universe type deal going on.

So what's next? Well our couple seems to take a step forward but then take two steps back. Don't worry it'll get better and there's drama. We still got a ways to go. Also I used both songs because while they are very similar they're rather different. I used Love Hurts in the beginning because well for Buffy it does. Then Try at the end is saying while she hurts from the flame of love she's got to get up and try again. Also Angel needs to just push through because at any moment Buffy can realize she's ready. So more on the way, comments and reviews are welcomed and thanks for reading.

Songs: Love Hurts the Nan Vernon version.

Try by Pink