Jlh!

Disclaimer: Maybe if I give them cookies… naw…

Chibi Sakura: You'll never own the show or the manga, you know.

Me: Shut up! I can dream… -sniffle-

Chibi Sasuke: Aw dammit! You made her cry again! I'm nauseous…

Chibi Naruto: -pats Swirl-chan on the back-

Chibi Kakashi: Write the chapter already.

Me: YES!

-dramatic music ensues-

Me: I may not own the characters, but the fic is MINE! I own the story! And the plot! And all the redundant wackiness therein!

-record skips-

Me: And I will forever be free to- wait a sec. Why is it skipping? Damn cheap vinyl!

Chibi Naruto: -claps-

Chibi Sasuke: Screw it.

Chibi Sakura: You have issues.

Me: -kicks record player-

Chibi Kakashi: Well, while that's going on, here's another chapter for you all to enjoy.

Chibi Gaara: Yes! And thanks to all you reviewers! You make Swirl-chan's life go 'round. If it weren't for you, she'd probably be cold, homeless, and lonely living in a cardboard box somewhere in Nevada.

Chibi Kakashi: She'd probably be smoking pot too.

Me: I'm allergic to smoke.

Chibi Kakashi: You'd do it anyway.

Me: Quiet, you.

Chibi Gaara: And now for something completely different. The seventh chapter. Read, review, relax.

J L H 7

The weekend was rather uneventful.

Naruto spent the majority of it asleep in his room. Every once in a while he woke up, but that was only because his stomach was loud enough to wake the dead.

Naruto wasn't the dead.

He slept like it though.

Once or twice during the weekend he got up, ate something, then went straight back to sleep.

Sunday night, his mom was nowhere to be seen. When Naruto was digging in the refrigerator for a glass of milk, he found a note attached to the carton.

I'll be out for a while. Get yourself something for dinner.

If it's morning, then get yourself some breakfast.

-Mom

Naruto yawned, folded the yellow note in half, and then threw it on the floor. He was used to this sort of thing. His mom left at random and came back a morning later. He didn't bother her about it. The blonde didn't bother his mom about much of anything. She had her life and he had his.

No big deal.

He was always alone, but he didn't mind anymore. He was alone all the time.

Even at school.

Even in the crowded hallways where people pushed and shoved just to get from point A to point B. Even in his own home he was all by himself.

There were times he got lonely. As a matter of fact, he used to get lonely all the time. To top things off, he didn't have the company of a television to keep him entertained.

Now he was at school again. He wasted his entire weekend sleeping. He hit himself several times for doing so.

Naruto, du bist einen Scheissekopf.

Heh heh.

German was fun.

Making fun of himself was remotely fun too.

But one thing that Naruto didn't enjoy in the least was being hung by his feet by the overhead canvas.

He pouted crossly as he watched the upside-down world rocking slowly back and forth. He could feel the blood draining from his toes and into his head.

It was a good thing he'd worn his jeans today.

Zabuza was pacing around the aisles of students, who all stared at him with looks of horror or confusion. He was saying something about the result of not turning their homework in.

Naruto hadn't done his homework.

And now his feet were duct-taped to the iron casing on the overhead canvas. This casing was roughly six or seven feet above the floor. Naruto was about five feet tall. This left him plenty of space to dangle helplessly and attempt to wriggle free of his prison.

Well, his day was turning out to be a lovely one indeed.

Through his fuzzy vision he could see the math teacher from hell handing Haku a whiteboard marker. The boy meekly received the marker and stood up on the floor. Zabuza waited patiently in the shadows behind him.

Haku looked at Naruto, then at his teacher, then back to the helpless blonde. His brows turned up in an apologetic look and he smiled. He mouthed his apologies before taking aim at Naruto.

The helpless boy quirked an eyebrow and 'hmmned' through the duct-tape on his face.

He closed his eyes when he figured out Haku meant to throw the thing at him. He felt the sharp sting of something brittle hitting his shoulder. Then he heard the class's stifled laughter combined with the clacking of a marker on the tile floor.

He cracked an eye open to see Haku mouthing something along the lines of 'sorry.' The dark-haired boy bowed slightly to Zabuza, then sat back down. Zabuza looked satisfied.

Well then, good for you, mister-anger-management-problems!

Naruto stared accusingly at Haku, who only shrugged his shoulders with the most innocent look on his face that he could muster. Naruto found himself very annoyed at the cross dresser.

Of course, who knew what Zabuza might have done if Haku had refused?

Zabuza might have burnt him to a crisp and eaten him for dinner.

Maybe Zabuza ate kids.

Eeww…

At the end of class, Haku cut Naruto free. Zabuza would have no part of it. He sat at his desk with his feet propped up, scowling like he'd just eaten something terrible.

Maybe he had one of those kid bones stuck in his teeth or something.

Eeww…

"Why'd you throw the marker at me?" Naruto whined when they were out of earshot. Haku sighed, "I don't want to disappoint."

Naruto frowned, "What does that mean?"

"Certain things are expected of me. That's all. I tried not to hit your face though. I didn't want to hurt you or anything."

Naruto snorted, "Oh, right. Does the rest of the school board know about this?"

Haku laughed, "Yeah, they do."

The blonde's jaw dropped, "Then how come they don't do something about him?"

Haku tilted his head, "And where would they be then?"

Naruto crossed his arms, "Come again?"

"You don't know? You haven't heard?" Haku sounded shocked.

"Heard what?" Naruto asked irritably.

Haku smiled faintly and stared at his feet, "Master Zabuza is from the Mist district," he added silently, "like me."

Naruto once again had to pick his jaw off the floor. He may not have had a TV, but everyone knew what the Mist district was. It was the ultimate ghetto. Shootings and robberies happened on a daily basis. It was the center of the drug trade and the home of notorious Mafia-like gangs.

"It's no secret that he was once part of the Mafia. Everyone's too scared to even walk in his shadow. Even the police are afraid to face him."

"Then why on Earth is he a teacher? And why did anyone hire him in the first place?" Naruto waved his arms around like a fanatic.

"The school board is just a bunch of measly pushovers. Tsunade, the principal of this school, was the only one to speak up about it. She was overruled though. As for the reason he's here, he's just biding his time," Haku replied.

"Why?"

"He's on Gatou's list. He's waiting for the heat to die down before he kills him."

Naruto looked on in disbelief. Who was this Gatou guy? And what was this about a list? He asked Haku.

"Gatou's the boss of the Mist district. He's the leader of the biggest gang around," the boy paused, "but I'm afraid I can't tell you everything."

Naruto was puzzled.

"I'm the only person outside the Mafia who knows any more about Zabuza and Gatou."

"Oh," Naruto focused on the floor. This guy was scarier than he thought.

Creepy No-brows really had a reputation.

"Why do you like him so much?" he inquired suddenly.

Haku's attention was directed to the floor as well. He sighed, "I grew up in the Mist district. My family was poor like every other family around us. My dad went into the drug dealing business to raise money for my mother and me."

Haku's eyes darkened, "Then one night, he went crazy. He beat my mother. I heard screaming, so I came running. When I saw what was going on, all I knew was that my dad was beating up my mom. I loved my mom, you know. I loved her so much that I grabbed my father's gun, the one he took with him everywhere just in case, and I shot him with it.

"I shot him in the leg the first time, but when he got up with the intention of killing me, I aimed higher and shot him right between the eyes."

Naruto gaped. Why was he telling him this?

"He never got up again," Haku whispered.

The blonde boy looked into the other's eyes, expecting to see tears. When he was met with nothing but bitterness, he felt profoundly confused.

"Neither did my mother," He whispered, "She died from her injuries.

"I left my house before I knew what it was that I had done. I cried so much in those days I was alone, that I can no longer see the use of crying. My tears will never give new life to those for which they fall.

"Everywhere I went, I was disregarded. No one wanted me. They looked at me like I was a sewer rat. Everyone tossed me out. I couldn't blame them. There was no place in the world for a murderer like me."

Haku's face brightened somewhat and a smile graced his rose-red lips, "As I wandered through the district, I ran into Zabuza. He didn't look at me as if I were the scum of the Earth. He reached a hand out to me, and I took it."

"Zabuza saved me," he smiled sweetly, "I owe him my life, so I have devoted it to him."

Haku's smile broadened and his eyes softened, "And my life will forever be his until the day I die."

----

Sasuke yawned.

It was lunchtime, yet he felt as if he would crash to the floor at any moment.

Damn heroine.

It's all your fault!

Kisame put something in it. He knew it. The bastard was always experimenting with different things.

Maybe he put coke in it.

Naw…

Sasuke opted to mill around in the hallways during lunch. He never felt compelled to eat lunch, and today he knew if he saw a slice of pizza he'd barf.

Drugs were screwy that way.

"Saaasuke-kuuuuun!" he heard the incessant crooning of his unofficial fan club. Apparently he'd walked down the wrong hallway.

Ino skipped over to him. Her ridiculously long hair flipped about behind her like the tail of a hooked fish. "Good afternoon, Sasuke-kun."

Okay, now she was rhyming? It was too much.

"Would you, um…" she blushed and shuffled her feet. Sasuke huffed to himself. Why was it that he attracted stupid people?

"Would you like to eat lunch with me, Sasuke-kun?" she said timidly.

The boy rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not hungry," he explained uninterestedly.

"O-oh…" Ino deflated. She picked herself up in no time though. "Some other time then?"

Sasuke wasn't in the mood to be a selfish son of a bitch, so he waved her off, droning, "Some other time."

He could tell that Ino was ecstatic. He heard the clacking of high-heeled sandals as she hurried back to her clique.

Art class was boring as usual.

Shikamaru was going to drown in a puddle of his own drool if Sasuke didn't wake him up. He whacked him over the head with a ruler and the lazy bastard was wide awake. Sasuke was deeply satisfied.

He glanced over at Naruto. He'd noticed that the class was unusually silent today. The reason being? Naruto's motor mouth seemed to have run out of fuel.

Even Gaara cast a few apprehensive glances at his friend. She had an unusually sober look in her eyes. Sasuke was thoroughly weirded-out when the chipper girl didn't say a word the entire period.

Jesus, she was being quiet!

He looked out the window and was mildly surprised that there weren't meteors falling from the sky.

Health class came and Naruto was slightly more talkative. Sasuke was inwardly relieved that she wasn't deathly ill.

He'd have no one to wash his car.

Or do his dishes.

He'd be screwed.

Then again, he'd also have the time and the seclusion to get high.

Hmmm…

Clean house.

Heroine.

Choices…

Naruto was chatting a little more to Neji now. There was a problem though. Neji didn't seem like he wanted to talk back. He was being friendly from Sasuke's point of view, just not talkative. He seemed like he had something on his mind.

Kakashi was sitting lazily at his desk as usual. His nose was still buried in his favorite book.

Sasuke wondered why the hell a few printed words on a few pages that were glued together could be so fascinating. Kakashi was constantly absorbed in the thing! He swore if the silver-haired teacher put the book down he would stop breathing and writhe on the floor like a fish as he died a horrible, asphyxiated death.

That would be extremely entertaining.

Put the book down, Kakashi.

Add a little spice to my day.

"Naruto?" Sasuke heard the Hyuga speak up.

Naruto answered with a puzzled, "What, Neji?"

"Naruto, it's been nice."

Sasuke's heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened.

"What do you mean, Neji?" Naruto whined skeptically.

Neji sighed heavily, "You know, Naruto, you're really nice. You can be a little annoying sometimes when you talk too much, but I suppose I like the sound of your voice anyway. I don't hate you," Neji paused and drew a breath, "but I'm not sure I love you either."

Neji was going to break up with Naruto.

"What do you mean?" Naruto raised her voice. She sobbed after a moment, "Neji? Are you- are… you…"

"Like I said, I don't hate you, Naruto," Neji sighed, "I've been thinking over the weekend and-"

"You mean… you're gonna'…"

"Let's just be friends. We can still see each other, but we won't be dating or anything like that." He laughed to himself, "We were never really dating at all, actually."

"We weren't?" Naruto whined like an abused puppy.

"You're a good person, Naruto. When most relationships like this end, the two people involved distance themselves from each other. They never see one another again. I don't want to never see you again, Naruto."

"But…" Naruto whined, "why?"

"You try too hard, Naruto," Neji smiled apologetically.

"How?" Naruto whimpered in her pathetic voice.

Sasuke watched as Neji reclined in his chair. He wanted to dance out of the room, screaming like a lunatic. The only thing keeping him from doing so was the possibility of seeing Naruto slap Neji. He glued himself to the spot.

Neji, you bastard!

I won!

----

Gaara couldn't believe his ears. Was Neji seriously giving Naruto up? It was too good to be true.

Far too good.

Each passing second, he waited for the inevitable sly smile and the smug 'Psyche!' that Neji was bound to say anytime.

"You know," Neji began, "what people say about happiness being like a butterfly?"

Naruto nodded meekly.

"I think the same thing about love. Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit quietly on your shoulder.

"You, Naruto, might be trying to chase that butterfly too much. I'm guilty of that too. Love isn't something you just jump at and catch without thinking. You have to wait for it to happen."

Naruto looked like he understood, "Okay…"

Gaara blinked.

It was actually happening. This was the real deal. Neji was no longer in love with Naruto. Oh, heaven, thank you!

Of course he felt sad for his friend, but this was a breakthrough. He smiled to himself. Maybe Neji did take his advice after all.

"I think we've both learned a lesson from this," Neji admitted.

"Never chase butterflies?" Naruto smiled.

"Something like that," Neji grinned, "Let's not think of this as breaking up."

"You know," Naruto smiled meekly through his tears, "we never really did much. I don't think we can call it a breakup."

"You're right."

Gaara was astonished. His face betrayed nothing, but Gaara was indeed astonished. He figured Naruto would cry a river and drown them all. If not that, then at least he'd hit Neji in the face.

He did neither of the two, but Gaara suspected Naruto would want to have a good cry when he was out of school.

Chances were, he would cry a river, but when he did, Gaara would help him build a bridge and get over it.

Good.

They were both happy. Gaara was happy too. Love was indeed like a butterfly, and if Neji felt like waiting for love to come, Gaara would become that butterfly and sit on Neji's shoulder for him.

----

That was it?

Naruto was just going to laugh it off?

Damn!

And Sasuke thought he was going to see some kick ass bitch-slapping action too…

He boredly turned his attention back to the wall. He was having a really shitty case of the Mondays. He would have to talk to Kisame after school. He knew his Heroine had something else in it.

Damn you, shark.

"Psst!" Sakura's snakelike whisper sounded behind him.

He twisted his head and flashed an indifferent glance. The moony Sakura was unfazed.

Honestly.

There were some people Sasuke wanted to see getting run over by a bus. After seeing it, he'd laugh at how much he really didn't give a damn.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura whispered, "Can I borrow a pencil?"

Said boy glanced downward to see a pencil hanging out of one pocket in her backpack. He guessed she'd done a shoddy job of hiding it before she asked him.

"There's one right there, Sakura," he announced pointedly, "And I bet you can use it."

Sakura blushed when she noticed the object lolling out from her pack, but grabbed it, pointed at it, and laughed like a kid who'd just been caught stealing at a candy store.

Sasuke marveled at her stupidity.

When she was done chuckling bashfully to herself, she decided to put the pencil to good use. She didn't ask any more of him, and for that he was thankful.

Good bitch, Sakura.

When class ended, he found himself stumbling out of the room. Well, he imagined himself to be stumbling. The world swayed when he moved and he felt as if the floor was a whole foot higher than it was supposed to be.

Damn shark!

Kisame was going to get it. Sasuke was going to deal a generous round of punches on his sorry little ass. Right now, Sasuke could care less that the drug dealer was a full three feet taller than him with a mean streak as wide as the Mist district itself.

He didn't care that Kisame probably ate shrimps like him for breakfast.

He didn't mind that Kisame probably weighed three times as much as he did.

He didn't care that roughly four-fifths of that weight was raw muscle.

And he didn't care that Kisame was part of the most feared gang in the known universe.

He flat-out didn't give a damn.

If Kisame was going to open this can of whoop-ass, he'd better have a glass.

Rhyming…

Die, Poetry! Go to hell!

He grumbled unhappily to himself as he collapsed into his chair in English class. He felt like he'd been run over by a steamroller, and to top it all off, he was having mild withdrawals.

Nope.

That heroine was not pure. It was diluted with something. Sasuke knew it. It probably came from the west coast, and not from Philadelphia.

Kisame normally bought his shit from his buddy in Pennsylvania, but Sasuke heard that this buddy of his was in a tight spot. He was probably waiting for the fuzz to lay off a bit before stepping up sales again.

Sasuke hated west coast heroine. It was the least pure sort of smack he'd ever seen. Sure, it was pretty, but the quality was in the gutter.

Wasn't as strong.

It also had a menagerie of crazy shit in it. A bunch of chemicals that Sasuke couldn't spell, much less pronounce. He assumed that not even the people who discovered them knew exactly how they were pronounced.

He effectively hid his discomfort.

Iruka was explaining something about parts of sentences. Subject, verb, direct object, prepositional phrase… yadda yadda.

Déjà vu? He swore he heard this before. Come to think of it, every teacher from fourth grade had mentioned something about parts of sentences. English classes were like health classes. The teachers constantly repeated what everyone said last year.

Perhaps this was why Kakashi didn't waste his time in health class. He knew they had already heard it.

Sasuke felt like he was in the class of redundancy class.

Hah, class of redundancy class.

"Sasuke, could you kindly repeat what I just said?"

It figured Iruka knew he wasn't paying attention. English teachers were magical that way. He sighed.

"The subject," Sasuke droned, "is what the sentence is about. The verb is any word that describes an action or state of being. The direct object is what receives the action and therefore doesn't exist in a sentence without a transitive verb-" he took a breath, "A prepositional phrase states the location of an object. Examples being under the box, over the box, inside the box, behind the box, et cetera, et cetera."

Iruka's mouth opened a few times, like the mouth of a fish out of water, but then he shut it. Naruto's crystal blue eyes were wide as saucers. Shikamaru blinked as if he knew Sasuke would respond to the question in such a way, then put his head on his desk again. The female population of the class sighed and clasped their hands together in front of their hearts. The male population was silent.

"Anything else?" the wonder-boy said in his monotonous voice. Iruka only resumed explaining the world of English to the students. Sasuke got the feeling that he wouldn't be bothered for a while.

Good.

Memorizing his notes in sixth grade was finally paying off.

----

Holy shit!

Sasuke really was God! Naruto let out a little gasp. Or maybe he was Jesus! Yes! Jesus was here to take them all to heaven!

Or maybe Sasuke was the son of Satan.

Yeah, that was more like it.

It only figured that Satan would get jealous. If God got to have a son, why couldn't the Devil?

It seemed to Naruto like God and Satan were women. It made sense though, the way they constantly bitched to one another. When Armageddon came, they'd both be having PMS at the same time.

Poor Sasuke.

He had one hell of a mom.

Iruka gave them all a few pages of notes to copy. Naruto didn't like notes, so he pretended he was writing them down. He later learned that it would have taken him about the same amount of energy just to copy them down.

But, as everyone but Naruto knew, he was a naïve little fool.

Naruto didn't feel like putting much effort into English class today. His enthusiasm had been stretched to its limit and his emotions were fried. He just learned of two traumatic things today. That was two traumas too many. One being there were people with more upsetting pasts than Gaara and he, the second being Neji really didn't like him all that much.

Was he really trying too hard? Naruto admitted that he chased butterflies too much, but why were butterflies so important? There was something about butterflies that made him want to chase them to the ends of the Earth, regardless of whether they liked it or not.

He was going to cry when he got home.

When the bell rang and school ended, Naruto cast a wary glance at the Uchiha. He had to go over to Sasuke's house again.

That apartment scared the hell out of him. The reason was irrational. The reason was trivial.

The reason was this: Sasuke had too much dust in his house.

Not even Naruto had that much dust! He actually lived in his house, and it looked that way. None of the counters were too grimy and his mom always kept the shelves cluttered and dust-free.

Sasuke, on the other hand, did not.

At first glance, his home was the best around. It seemed perfect. Beyond the lovely little living room, however, Naruto had second thoughts about Sasuke.

The tile in the kitchen had collected so much dust, that Naruto left footprints all around in it. There was a layer of powder a millimeter thick on the far end of Sasuke's counter. In his expensive, yet neglected cabinets, Naruto found a spider and the myriad of webs it had made for itself.

There was simply too much dust in that kitchen. Naruto didn't even have the time to clean it all on Friday.

It was as if Sasuke didn't live in his house at all.

The blonde noticed a few footprints in the dirt that were too big to be his, but they seldom came anywhere close to the far side of Sasuke's kitchen. Most of them led to the fridge or the microwave, and none of them ever led to the stove.

Maybe Sasuke couldn't cook.

What did he live on? Crappy Chinese?

It didn't seem right, though, for a person to eat such fattening food not gain a pound. He swore the black-haired boy was thinner than a toothpick and paler than a ghost.

He looked more poor than rich.

Weren't rich people supposed to be fat and happy?

Sasuke looked like he ate nothing and the only time his skin was touched by the sun was during his journeys to and from school.

Naruto saw the way the female percentage of the school looked at him and fawned over him. They thought he was Sasuke the perfect and invincible.

Naruto was still steadfast in his beliefs that Sasuke was either Jesus or Satan Junior, but he saw what women were too stubborn to see. He thought that maybe Sasuke himself was too stubborn as well. Why else would he look and act the way he did?

He knew Sasuke was sick.

He knew very well what sick people looked like. They were pale and skinny, their bloodshot eyes sunken into their skulls and their cheekbones jutting out like the Rocky Mountains from the rolling hills of dead grass on the range's eastern side. They looked like what Naruto imagined to be emaciated geckos.

Sasuke did not look anything like an emaciated gecko, his face was perfect, and his eyes weren't sunken in.

But he wasn't a golden-skinned sunflower either.

Sasuke was sick.

The blonde knew not why, but Sasuke was indeed, very sick.

He didn't act like he needed help. Those, Naruto concluded, were the people who needed help most of all.

Sasuke waltzed out of the room, not sparing Naruto a second glance. The blonde supposed he was supposed to meet him out front again.

He let the Uchiha go and wandered yet again over to Iruka's desk. He casually leaned over to Iruka.

"Sooooo…" Naruto aloofly examined his nails, "Anything interesting happen today?"

Iruka glared suspiciously at his favorite student, asking, "Wasn't that the same question you asked me on Friday?"

Naruto continued to absorb himself in his nails, "Just wondering. It's what friends do."

"Riiight… right. That's what friends do. I have a feeling you have something else in mind," he stared Naruto in the eye, "What do you want from me?"

"Just tell me about your day and I'll go away."

Iruka was still. "Fine," he sighed after a long silence.

Naruto triumphed.

"Well," Iruka said with a hand on his chin, "someone stole my lunch today. I looked in my desk drawer, you know, where I normally put it, and it wasn't there."

Naruto was just as puzzled as Iruka.

"I went around, asking if anyone had seen it. Everyone told me that some student probably stole it when I was daydreaming. None of them saw it."

Then, Iruka blushed furiously, "When I was about to give up, Kakashi-san popped out of nowhere. He gave me my lunchbox, saying he fought a couple of delinquents for it. I thanked him and I took it. When I looked inside of it, my sandwich was still there, but something else was there too."

Iruka screwed up his face, "It was a hot dog."

Naruto's eye twitched.

"I didn't think it was poisoned or anything, and I was reeeealy hungry. So I ate it. It was good!" Iruka grinned like an idiot.

The corner of Naruto's eye refused to stop twitching.

A hot dog?

What was Kakashi thinking?

Maybe he was suggesting something…

Oh, bad thought. Baaaaaaaaad thought…

Kakashi, you sick little rat bastard.

"Naruto? Are you alright?"

Naruto laughed it off, "Yeah, I'm fine. I've gotta' get going though!" he waved hurriedly to Iruka, "Bye!"

With that, he left the confused teacher to tap distractedly on his desk with his pencil.

"You're late again, Dobe."

That was the first thing Naruto heard when he stepped outside. He looked over to see Sasuke stationed once again in the shadow of the flagpole. He was all by his lonesome. Naruto got the feeling he liked things that way.

As he crossly stomped over to the Uchiha, he couldn't help wondering if he deliberately stayed out of the sun. He was sitting in the shade in his long-sleeved shirt with a collar and loose-fitting, long pants. Naruto knew he wore the collared garment to hide the hideous purple blemish that had appeared on his neck so suddenly one day.

He wondered how he got it.

Maybe he got bit by the spider he found in the kitchen.

Maybe he killed one of its babies.

Naruto heard from Gaara that the spiders in his basement always got revenge on Kankuro for squashing their families.

Kankuro deserved it.

Perhaps Sasuke did too.

"What's with the 'Dobe' thing anyway?" Naruto put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot in the dirt. Sasuke didn't reply. Instead, he brushed himself off and wandered in the direction of his house. Naruto followed with his arms crossed and a pout on his lips.

Stupid Sasuke.

Making up words just to make fun of him…

Well, Teme was a good word too!

Take that, Teme!

----

Sasuke reclined in his chair and the television blinked to life. He carelessly tossed the remote over his shoulder. He'd already told the blonde idiot what to do.

Finish cleaning his kitchen.

Since Friday, it had probably collected yet another thin film of dust. Needless to say, the air in Sasuke's house was full of shit. Orochimaru gave him an air filter, but he never used it. He never opened the windows or air-conditioned the place either. Air conditioning cost him money.

Sure, it was just a small amount of money, but it was still money.

He didn't open the windows because he flat-out didn't want to.

He heard Naruto humming to herself from his kitchen. He turned the volume up to drown it out. No matter how loud his television got, he could still hear her. Quite frankly, Naruto got the picture and stopped humming.

It was no good though. Sasuke could still hear humming. It wasn't Naruto's humming though.

Mom used to hum when she cleaned the kitchen.

It's all in your head, Sasuke.

Sasuke sighed heavily and turned the volume back down to normal. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. He needed more self control. Uchihas never lost their cool.

Never.

He lay back in his reclining chair and rocked back and forth. He felt sick. He was tired, his arms were cramping up, and he felt like he'd been bitten by a few thousand mosquitoes.

He growled irritably to himself. Uchiha Sasuke was not having a good day.

"Saaaaaasukeee?" Naruto whined from the kitchen.

"What do you want now?" grumbled Sasuke.

"Can you cook?" the blonde questioned warily.

Sasuke felt like pulling Naruto's arms off and throwing her off of his balcony. "No," he gritted his teeth together, "I don't cook."

"What do you eat?" the stupid girl was poking her head into the living room now.

Sasuke twisted his head around and glared furiously at the intruding girl, "I eat whatever the hell I want to."

"Okay…" the girl blushed, squeaked, and retreated.

When she was out of earshot, Sasuke sighed again and slumped in his chair. He rubbed at his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. He was starting to feel nauseous.

This was bad.

He felt like a sack of potatoes which was being crushed by an elephant and slowly consumed by a colony of half-starved red ants.

He needed that heroine and he needed it now.

Right now.

"I'm going into my room for a while," he barked to Naruto, "don't bug me."

He vanished into the hall just in time to see a little blonde head of hair glance back at him with sparkling eyes.

----

Naruto blinked over at the place he'd seen Sasuke vanish. He couldn't stop staring. Long after Sasuke disappeared, Naruto's eyes were glued to the spot. The Uchiha was burnt vividly into Naruto's mind's eye, and the picture wasn't pretty.

Sasuke looked like a ghost.

His skin was white as snow and his hair glistened like he'd just taken a swim. He walked slowly like a robot with joints that were rusted stiff.

Naruto didn't think Sasuke knew, but he heard every single shaky sigh coming from that living room. Naruto was practiced in the art of listening when he wanted to.

His listening skills might have helped him in school, but during that time of day he opted to screw off. Naruto only heard what he wanted to hear.

Did Naruto want to hear anything about homework, the rotation of the earth, the color red, or the Pythagorean Theorem?

No.

Maybe the reason Sasuke was ill was because of the air in his house. The dark-haired boy kept all of his shades drawn, but when Naruto wanted to shed some light on the luxurious apartment, he could see the thin flakes of dust swirling around like the air itself was made of them.

Good Lord!

Didn't Sasuke ever clean his house?

What went on in here, or didn't go on, that made his house so goddamn dusty? Did Sasuke even live in his house?

Naruto was going to have to unleash the power of all of his mom's cleaning solutions on Sasuke's floor alone. He had some major shopping to do.

Naruto made up his mind.

He was going to steal Sasuke's money and go on a shopping spree. Now, any normal person who wasn't a Hypochondriac wouldn't consider a floor polish search as a shopping spree. Naruto, however, didn't give a damn.

There was always a chance that Sasuke would turn from a sickly little ghost to a daisy when his house was clean enough. There was absolutely nothing a little Windex and soap couldn't cure.

With that in mind, he continued his relentless scrubbing of Sasuke's countertops.

He was determined to make the kitchen sparkle along with everything else. The blonde had convinced himself that he was working himself to the bone for a good cause.

He was going to make Sasuke happy.

Naruto came to a spot on the counter that wouldn't come off. It was a discolored little thing that scratched against Naruto's washcloth every time he tried to scrub it away. He angrily scrubbed it over and over and over again. When he learned that the thing was too stubborn to come off with the washcloth, he resorted to drastic measures. He withdrew a fork from a drawer and scraped it across the counter. When the disgusting thing gave way, Naruto gave a whoop and a holler. He danced around the kitchen like a fairy.

Take that, vile splotch of what-cha-ma-call-it! I, the Great Princess Naruto, have slain thee in my quest to save the Lonely Prince Sasuke!

Warrior Princess Naruto. He cracked himself up.

Well, he was technically a prince, but for Sasuke, maybe he could be a princess. He was legally a princess, if anything, anyway. Stupid drunk, cheap doctors…

What sort of princess went out of her way to save a prince anyhow? Didn't a princess have nails to paint, dresses to wear, and dances to attend? Didn't they just love to wander cutely and curiously into the Forest of Ankle Twisting, Fainting, Getting Lost, Capturing, and Eventual Dying?

Naruto wasn't your normal, garden-variety princess.

Naruto was a manly princess.

Screw you, evil dragons and demons and stuff!

Naruto hummed again to himself as he exterminated the many vile demons and creatures residing in Sasuke's kitchen. There was work to be done. He found that Neji's little break-up speech flew away when he was in Sasuke's kitchen. Maybe all the extra work was just what he needed to get over it.

There was a spot here, a blotch there, the ages of which he didn't want to know. Some shit looked like it was at least a century old. Naruto made another conjecture about Sasuke.

Sasuke did not use his kitchen.

The microwave and refrigerator, maybe. That was all though. The rest of his kitchen looked as if it had been untouched for a millennium. Naruto wondered if his stove, oven, or sink even worked anymore.

When Sasuke didn't emerge from his room for quite some time, Naruto found himself getting worried. He was just getting some sleep, he decided after a while. The raven-boy wasn't feeling right, so he went to sleep. Good for him. He needed to rest up a bit anyway. It would help him get un-sick.

Naruto often needed to convince himself of these things to function normally. When his mom wasn't home for a few days, he'd say she was just having such a good time that she didn't want to come home. When Gaara wasn't acting like himself, Naruto would convince himself that he was just having a bad day.

When his pet turtle died, he said it was having a much better time in heaven.

Thus was the basis of Naruto's happy-go-lucky-ness. He was an optimist. Gaara told him once that he was a fool for being so optimistic, but that was just because he was having a bad day.

The counter was finally clean.

Naruto blew a puff of air against his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair.

And now for the cabinets inside the counter…

----

The air was cool, the wind was wet, and the streetlights shone brightly through the gloom. Naruto had gone home, and Sasuke was going to have a little talk with his finned friend.

Kisame was going to get it.

A little corner store came into view. Its little red sign was blowing in the wind. The lights were on, but he couldn't see anyone inside.

Peachy.

He was feeling slightly better now, though not as good as he could have been. He felt edgy because Naruto could've suspected something and chosen not to inform him of it. Maybe she knew.

Naw. She wasn't that smart.

West coast heroine. He hated it. Almost as much as he hated Kisame for selling it to him. He was going to give the bastard a piece of his mind.

He shoved the door open and swiped his shoes across the mat on the floor. A doorbell sound resonated from a little box connected to the door, the store's way of warning employees that a customer was present.

Warning. Not telling. Not informing. Warning.

Warning Kisame that he'd better start acting like a civilized, law biting citizen. And Kisame was a law biting citizen.

In the sense that he could take a piece out of any police officer who dared come within the reach of his arm.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in." Sasuke looked off to his side to see the bluish face of the shark-man hovering over the cash register. His smile revealed a mouthful of pearly white teeth. These were the teeth with which he took a bite out of the law. And when he did, it was only logical to assume that it hurt.

Sasuke glared menacingly into the face of death. Kisame's beady eyes shimmered, "I suppose you're not here on friendly terms, are you?"

"What sort of shit did you put in it?" Sasuke hissed.

Kisame's grin widened, "So you're a customer today?"

Sasuke knew the meaning of that last question. You were either Kisame's 'friend,' a customer, or dead. Normally, Sasuke was there as a friend. Tonight, he was a customer.

A dangerously pissed-off customer.

"What did you do to it?" He hissed again.

"Quite frankly, I don't know what you mean." Kisame leaned casually over the counter. This answer wasn't good enough for Sasuke.

"I think you know what I mean," his patience was wearing thin.

Kisame rested his chin on his fist, "No good, eh?"

"Not at all."

Kisame scratched his head, "Bummer. My friend on the east coast is having a bit of trouble. West coast is no good then?"

Sasuke slammed his fist on the table, "I hate it! I've been feeling like shit all day because of it! Everyone knows the west coast stuff is jack shit, but I know it's got something else in it and I think you're the one who put it there!"

"Calm down. You'll break your hand off the way you flail around like that," Kisame strolled over to the end of the counter and walked out into the store. "I really don't feel like fighting a pipsqueak like you right now," he cast a backward glance through a window, "but if you insist on being a spoiled rotten little prick, one of our friendly neighbors is going to call the fuzz on us."

Sasuke saw through the sarcasm and to the logic of that statement. "Fine," he spat, "but if you don't explain to me why that shit makes me feel terrible…"

"Don't make me break my foot off in your ass," Kisame sneered as he milled around the store. Sasuke growled. "Everyone knows," the shark droned, "that it would take me about half a second to break you in half." He turned around, "You know why I don't break you in half?"

"No."

"I don't either."

Sasuke grinned. Kisame's harsh sarcasm always made him feel better. The shark man saw this. "I suppose we're back to being buddies then?" he said while pretending to check something under the counter.

"I suppose," Sasuke relaxed on the floor of the store.

Jeez! Even things with different spelling could rhyme if they wanted to!

Kisame assumed his normal spot behind the cash register, occasionally counting his money before shutting the register again. "Anything new?" he asked with his eyes still burning holes into his dollar bills.

"Not really," Sasuke paused, "Well, at least nothing good."

"Ah," Kisame sparked a little conversation, "How so?"

Sasuke sighed and slumped tiredly on the floor. "Since last week I've had this girl cleaning my house for me-"

"How old?" Kisame cut in.

"Don't know. She's a freshman though."

"She hot?"

Sasuke didn't know what to say.

"Let me rephrase the question," Kisame smirked, "Has she gotten into your pants yet?"

"Bastard."

The shark smiled mischievously before unlocking the register again. It flew open with a metallic clink and he recounted all of the dollar bills he had.

Sasuke smiled to himself, "Anyway, she's an annoying little bitch. She's got blonde hair, blue eyes, a brain the size of a pebble, and her name's Naruto."

"Typical dumb blonde eh? Those are the best kind. Good to screw around with if you know what I mean…"

"Spare me the juicy details, please," Sasuke groaned.

Kisame scoffed, "How can you consider yourself a man if you can't handle a little kinky detail now and then?"

"I can handle it well enough," growled Sasuke, "I just don't want to hear about it."

"Suit yourself," the shark closed the register again. Sasuke listened as Kisame tapped his fins against its surface before he twisted the key and it opened again.

How many times did Kisame have to count his money? It wasn't going to go anywhere, and it wouldn't magically appear, regardless of whether or not he continued counting it like that. "Anything else?" Kisame snapped.

"No."

"That leech bastard been bothering you anymore?"

Sasuke shuddered and said nothing. He had to bury the thoughts that just popped out of his mental graveyard. Too many things he just didn't want to remember right then.

Way too many.

"I take it that's a yes," Kisame growled in a low voice.

Oh, damn.

Sasuke knew how to read the shark's emotions, and the low voice was telltale that he'd just said something terribly wrong.

"Yes," said Sasuke in a wary tone.

Kisame raised an eyebrow and ceased to fidget with his money, "He tried something again, I take it?" he didn't wait for an answer, "Son of a bitch. What was it this time? The funky voice? The slutty suaveness?" he leaned over the counter with a scowl, "He didn't try to get freaky with you, did he?"

Sasuke glared skeptically up at Kisame. "Since when do you care?"

"I have no idea," Kisame glared back. Sasuke knew he very much had an idea, but kept quiet. He rolled his eyes.

"He bit me."

"He what?"

Oh, shit.

Kisame was going monotone on him. If Orochimaru made it back from his business trip alive, the shark was going to devour him whole. He decided to speak his mind.

"You're going to kill him, aren't you?"

"Well, that seems logical, seeing as he's screwed around with my best customer. I'd enjoy ripping him limb from limb and eating his heart," his eyes brightened and his sardonic smile returned.

Sasuke knew this look too. It was the look of a magician with another trick up his sleeve. What dastardly trick it was, Sasuke didn't know. The shark's teeth glimmered like pearly-white death.

"But I think I know someone else who'd enjoy it more..."

----

Me: The end of another chapter and the beginning of some serious leech-ass-kicking action! Also, forgive me if I was being a bit emo-ish... maybe its just me, but I've been in a bit of a depressed swing as of late.

Chibi Sasuke: Muahahaha!

Chibi Naruto: -cries-

Chibi Neji: -pats Chibi Naruto on the back-

Me: I had a relationship like that once… It sucked! Although in that one the dude I liked was actually cheating on me with another girl. Damn you!

Chibi Naruto: Wuaaaaahhh! –hic-

Chibi Sasuke: Stop crying, dammit! I can't stand it anymore!

Chibi Neji: -glares-

Chibi Sasuke: -glares back-

Chibi Gaara: -insert glare of impending doom here-

Chibi Sasuke: You wanna' fight again? I'm really not in a good mood today.

Chibi Gaara: Sucks to be you. I'm having one of the best days of my life.

Chibi Sasuke: I hate you…

Chibi Gaara: I hate you too. –ahem- Now then… -tackles Neji-

Me: And while that's going on: You can have free pumpkin, cherry, banana cream, key lime, rhubarb, or any other flavor imaginable, PIE! Yes, free virtual pie for reviewers! There's still a cookie or two left if you don't like pie!

Chibi Gaara: Good deal, right? And as an added bonus, Swirl-chan has decided to give something back to you reviewers that isn't any sort of freaky virtual food! Review the story, and tell Swirl-chan a story of yours that you'd like her to review. She promises never to flame anyone! Don't feel like getting a story reviewed? Then you can settle for an extra cookie or another slice of pie. It's all good.

Me: Yep! I'll get to it as soon as I can.

Chibi Gaara: Swirl-chan lives for your reviews! Review, review, review!