White Lies

White Lies

Author's Note: I wrote 10 new chapters and finished this story….then I deleted them. Sorry. I'm indecisive. Take 2!

At 1:38 am, Harley Quinn woke up. She sat up and looked to her left where Eddie lay curled up in a ball. She smiled. It felt good to have him back in bed with her. Harley looked around the room, she saw nothing but something had woken her up. She crept out of bed and tip toed down the hallway.

Harley looked around the living room, nothing. She wandered into the kitchen and still nothing. She sighed and leaned against the window and that's when she felt it. The same feeling that woke her up. The same feeling she used to get when she was with the Joker. Harley turned around and looked out the window. A shadow, just standing there.

She opened the window and crawled out. "Do you wanna come in?"

"No," the darkness replied.

"I know bats are nocturnal animals, but I'm really not so if we could speed this along…." She joked.

"I heard about the museum," Batman told her.

"Everyone with a TV heard about the museum."

"I know that you were the one to bring the Scarecrow down."

"I'm not looking for a job so you can fly off," Harley replied.

"I wasn't offering."

"Then why the surprise visit?" she asked.

Batman took a step toward her and she backed away until she was up against the wall. There was no room between them and yet he kept getting closer.

Harley took a deep breath, "What are you…." She couldn't finish the sentence. He pressed his lips up against hers, forcefully at first and then relaxed, almost sweet.

Harley Quinn shot up in bed and screamed, knocking Eddie onto the floor.

"Wassat? Wasshappenin?" Eddie asked half asleep.

"I had the worst dream," she cried.

"Tell me what happened," Eddie groaned getting back into bed.

"I dreamed Batman kissed me," she whimpered.

Eddie cringed.

"You kissed Batman? EWWWW!!" Alice squealed.

Harley looked around the Iceberg frantically and shushed Alice desperately. "Knock it off!"

"That's super gross Kitten," Alice giggled.

"I've kissed him in real life but this, this was different. It was weird," she cringed.

"I heard about your nightmare," Selina purred as she approached the table.

"What? Is Eddie running around town telling everyone?" Harley exclaimed.

"No, I heard Alice's outburst," Selina replied.

Harley shot Alice a look.

"Sorry Kitten," Alice muttered.

"Pull up a seat and take a load off," Harley told Selina pulling over a chair.

Selina sat down and placed her drink on the table. "So how's it going at Wedding Central?" she asked.

"I haven't even started planning. At first I was just so excited to be engaged and then Eddie and I were fighting so I didn't want to plan so now I got to start. And before I can plan anything I have to figure out how to get a marriage license without spending time at Arkham!" Harley explained.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," Alice comforted.

"What about you? How are you and Jervis doing?" Selina asked.

"We are peachy keen jelly bean."

"It can't all be perfect," Selina pressed.

"Sure it can. We haven't had a fight yet, I get to wake up with him every morning, and the sex…"

Selina held up her hand. "I give. It's perfect."

Alice smiled.

"How are you doing? I feel like we haven't talked in ages," Harley gushed.

"We haven't talked since the costume party," Selina replied.

"Oh yeah, I was mad at you." Harley cocked her eyebrow and then smiled. "Forgive and forget."

"I'm happy you forgive me."

"How can I not? You're my best friend!" Harley threw her arms around Selina.

"I thought Ivy was your best friend," Selina gasped.

"You both are!"

"Another drink Mrs. Nigma?" Holly asked.

"Funny, and yes," Harley replied.

"Anyone else?" Holly asked.

Selina shook her head no and Alice nodded yes.

"No more for you blondie," Holly reprimanded.

"Why not?" Alice whined.

"You've had enough! I've been with you all day and you've had more to drink than Roxy Rocket on New Year's Eve!" Holly fired back.

Alice pouted.

"Get my baby another drink. This can be her last one," Jervis said as he squeezed her from behind.

"Well, if your daddy says it's ok then I guess you can have another one," Holly joked.

"Thank you sugar bear!" Alice crooned.

"You're welcome baby." Jervis kissed her on the forehead and smiled. "Isn't she the best?" He walked back over to the bar where Eddie sat talking to Harvey.

"I'm sorry, is he your boyfriend or your father?" Selina asked.

Alice glared at her.

"You do act like a child," Harley added.

"Nu uh!" Alice whined.

"Who says nu uh after junior high?" Selina asked.

"New subject," Harley interjected. "Where's Red tonight? I see her man but I don't see her."

"It's Ivy's alone time tonight," Selina replied.

"Those roots coming in again?" Harley joked.

Selina laughed. "Her roots?"

"Yeah, hair roots. Her hair isn't normally that red. But you can't ever tell her I told you!"

"I swear to keep her secret until the day I die. And then I'm putting it in my obituary," Selina replied.

Alice and Jervis walked home from the Iceberg Lounge hand in hand. Alice focused on the sidewalk in front of her, every once in awhile she'd glance at Jervis and sigh.

"I know I'm no expert on women, but I've watched Joker and Harley enough to know that when a woman is silent except for sighing then something is on her mind. So, spill it," Jervis told her.

"You'll just think I'm hella lame," Alice replied.

"I could never think that about you…at least, I don't think I could ever think that about you. What does hella lame mean again?"

"Don't worry about it," she said.

They kept walking. Jervis watched Alice watch the sidewalk until he couldn't take it anymore. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Alright." Alice stopped and crossed her arms. "Do you think I'm childish?"

"Well, you do speak like a child and you can act like one when you don't get your way," he admitted.

Alice started to walk again.

"Alice, wait!" Jervis called after her.

She stopped and pouted.

"Forget I said it. You're not childish."

"Whatever. You said I act like a child so you must think I'm childish," she whined.

"The pouting and whining isn't helping," he told her.

Alice stopped pouting and walked a bit ahead of him.

"Now what?"

"Nothing! I'm not pouting, I'm not whining, I'm walking. I better get home. It's past my baby bed time!"

"Then she stomps off down the road yelling about her bed time!" Jervis complained.

"Why are you calling me?" Eddie asked. He rolled over and made sure Harley was still sleeping.

"You're my best friend!"

"Yes but its 2:00 am," Eddie grumbled.

"It's 2:45 actually," Jervis replied.

"I'll kill you. I will. You know I will," Eddie told him.

"I spent an entire day chasing after your car; you can listen to my girl problems."

"There's you problem. You don't have girl problems, you have woman problems. You said you told Alice she acted childish, well treat her like an adult and she'll act like an adult."

"I guess I can try that," Jervis sighed.

"Anything else?" Eddie asked.

"Do you think Harley acts like a child?"

"Honestly? That whole innocent thing is an act. She has me whipped."

"And you like being whipped?" Jervis asked.

"This conversation took a weird turn really fast. Goodnight Jervis." Eddie hung up the phone and tried to go back to sleep.

"Eddie? Are you awake?" Harley asked.

"No," he replied.

"I need a glass of water," she continued.

Eddie made snoring noises.

"Eddie? Please…."

Still no response.

Harley kicked Eddie in the back and he fell out of bed. "Thank you pooh bear."

Eddie stood up and muttered under his breath as he made his way to the kitchen to get the love of his life a glass of water. As he turned the faucet on and tried his damndest not to fall asleep he thought about what Jervis asked. Did he like being whipped? Eddie walked back to the bedroom and sat Harley's glass of water on her nightstand and crawled back into bed.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ear.

"You're welcome," he replied.

Harley wrapped her arms around him and kissed the back of his neck. "I love you."

That's when Eddie knew, he loved being whipped.

"Somebody's at the door," Harvey grumbled.

"I hear it," Ivy replied rolling over and burying herself into Harvey's arm.

"What time is it?" he asked.

Ivy cracked her eye open and tried to make out the numbers on the clock. "7 ish," she replied.

Harvey opened his eyes and picked the clock up off the table. "It says 9:10," he told her.

She didn't say anything.

"You need glasses woman," he muttered.

"There's still someone at the door," Ivy said ignoring his comment.

As if on cue, Selina opened Ivy's bedroom door and said, "Don't everyone jump up at once."

"You getting it then?" Harvey asked.

"I guess so," she replied as she closed the door.

Selina pulled her robe tighter and opened the door. "Yes?" she asked as she held herself up with the door.

"I need your help," Alice told her.

Selina looked up from the floor and eyed Alice suspiciously. "It's 9 in the morning. Did Bruce send you to torture me?" she asked.

"What? No, I need your help," Alice replied stepping in the apartment.

"Do you need to learn how to tell time?"

"I asked Jervis if he thought I was childish and he said that he did and so now I want to be more mature," Alice explained.

"I know you're new in town but you should know by now, I'm not the most helpful person," Selina told her.

Before Alice could plead with Selina Joker burst through the door. "What's our next course of action?" he asked.

"Now is not the time Jack," Selina hissed.

"Come on, I'm well rested and I'm ready for our next plan," Joker told her.

"Our next plan?" Alice questioned. "What is he talking about?"

"Nothing. He's a nut ball. Drunken sociopaths tell the ugliest lies," Selina said frantically as she tried to push Joker out the door.

"Selina is helping me get Harley back," Joker explained.

"You're not the most helpful person?" Alice asked.

Selina sighed in frustration and plopped onto the couch. "I hate being Mother freaking Theresa."

"What are you trying to get her to do kid?" Joker asked as he made his way to the kitchen.

"Help me be more mature," Alice replied.

An eruption of laughter broke out in the kitchen and Alice pouted.

"Morning kitty cat!" Harley cried as she walked into the apartment.

"Why my life?" Selina asked the ceiling.

"What's he doing here?" Harley asked pointing at the Joker.

"Having breakfast with my girlfriend," he replied through a mouth full of cereal.

Selina pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned.

"Go home," Harley ordered.

"You go home," he yelled back.

"Are you gonna help me or not?" Alice asked.

Selina got up from the couch and pulled the blue ribbon Alice was wearing out of her hair. "You want to be more mature? Fine. I'll help. I'll jump in the shower and we'll hit the stores. The first thing you need is a new wardrobe. You!" she said pointing at Harley, "You sit here and watch TV until I'm done showering, you're going to help me and you," she pointed at Joker now, "you go sit in the spare bedroom and watch TV until I come back. Do not leave; do not bother Ivy and Harvey!"

"Do not pass go, do not collect 100 dollars," Joker joked.

Selina narrowed her eyes. "You got ten seconds to get in there."

Joker took his bowl of cereal into the spare bedroom like he was told.

"Anyone else have anything to say?" she asked.

"No sir," Harley replied.

"Give me 15 minutes."

"So what do mature women wear?" Alice asked as she flipped through the clothes rack.

"Shirts without cartoon characters on them," Selina replied.

"I have shirts with cartoon characters on them," Harley said, a little bit offended.

"Alright, it depends on the shirt and where you're wearing it. You can't wear a shirt with Spongebob Squarepants on it to a night out at the Iceberg," Selina explained. "You want to wear your cartoon character shirt to go to the grocery store or to work out then you're fine."

"I see. So what can I wear?" Alice asked.

"Well, what's your style?" Selina asked.

"Um…childish apparently," she replied.

"What celebrities do you like?" Harley asked her.

"Miley Cyrus," she answered.

"No. What celebrity's style do you like?"

"I prefer something classy and sexy, like Audrey Hepburn," Selina told her.

"And I love mod stuff. Very Edie Sedgwick!" Harley squealed.

"Then there's Ivy, the pin-up poster dream," Selina continued.

Alice stood silent and played with her fingers.

Selina sighed. "Alright, we'll decide what would look best."

"Thank you."

Harley and Selina wandered around the store picking out pieces of clothing and then putting them back.

"This is hopeless," Harley muttered.

"It's not hopeless. We just need the right inspiration," Selina replied.

"You ever see that movie The Devil Wears Prada?" Alice asked as she walked over to them with a celebrity magazine in her hand.

"Yeah, why?" Selina answered.

"They're talking about it in this magazine. It's a whole article about Anne Hathaway. Maybe I'll rent it this weekend," Alice explained.

Harley snatched the magazine out of Alice's hands and squealed excitedly.

Selina smiled and grabbed Alice's hand. "Come on. We need to hit the salon."

"I don't think I quite understand the plan," Joker admitted.

"You don't have to. Selina and I just have to understand," Ivy replied.

"I'd like to be let in on what I'm doing."

"I did let you in on. Just because you're stupid and don't get it isn't my fault," Ivy told him as she started on dinner.

"Do you get it?" Joker asked, turning his attention to Harvey.

Harvey peeked out from behind his paper, "I don't have to get it, I'm not really that involved."

"You'll get it…eventually," Ivy assured him.

Joker went to argue but Ivy's phone started to buzz across the table and she answered it.

"Hello," she said.

"What are you guys up to?" Selina asked.

"I'm making dinner, Harvey's reading the paper, and your boyfriend is annoying me," Ivy told her.

"Not my boyfriend!" Selina growled through the phone.

"So, did you fix Alice up?"

"Meet us at the Iceberg and you'll see." Selina hung up.

"I guess we're going to the Iceberg," Ivy told them.

"No sense in making dinner then," Harvey replied getting up from the table to get ready to go out.

"I can still make dinner," Ivy said.

"No baby, save it for another night," Harvey convinced her.

"I wouldn't mind a home cooked meal," Joker added.

Harvey grabbed Joker by the arm and lifted him out of his chair. "We'll eat at the Iceberg. Now come help me pick out a suit."

"Isn't that a little gay?" Joker asked.

"You paint your toe nails, how gay can this be?"

Joker shrugged and followed him down the hallway. "Why can't we eat here?"

"I love Pammy, I love her more than I've loved anyone but her food is…how do I say this? It's rather interesting."

"How so?" Joker questioned.

"Some say it can move all on its own."

Joker shuddered.

"She's no Bree, that's for sure."

"Who the hell is Bree?"

"You know, Bree, from Desperate Housewives," Harvey replied.

"You watch Desperate Housewives?"

"Ivy got me hooked on it. Her and Harley are obsessed with it. And you watch Ugly Betty!" Harvey accused.

"Who told you?!"

"Holly," Harvey replied.

"Damn her!"