A/N: Thanks for the reviews :) I'm very happy with them. Enjoy this one ^^ I'm sorry it took a little while to update again, but I was pretty busy last week, so I actually didn't have the time to write a proper chapter (and I'm kind of having a writer's block). So, I'm a bit of a tease in this one and I hope you enjoy it ^^
Casey's POV
The familiar feeling in my stomach is back. The tension is hanging in the air and my vision becomes fuzzy again. Thing is, I don't think it's the hangover this time. For a moment, I just forget how to breathe. I feel the flush spreading over my face, and I guess Alexandra notices that too. I don't have to verbally ask, she just can see what I'm up to. What I really want. I lick my lips as she takes a step closer to me, gently placing her hand on my hip, looking at it. She trails up her gaze at my eyes, as if she wants to ask me for permission, but I guess she already knows the answer. I need her lips on mine. My lips are almost burning from desire. Some magnetic force pulls me into her and I close my eyes as I kiss her lips. She tucks her fingers into my pants and pulls me closer, placing her hand on my back. Our tongues meet again, and I can say it's the best feeling I've had in a long time. I try to fight for dominance, but I'm just not as skilled as Alexandra is. With slight force, she pushes me on the couch and straddles my lap. God, I love the way she touches me. How she runs her hand up my back, tangling her fingers in my hair, softly raking her nails across my scalp. I guess this is what love drunk is like.
It's the night before my seventeenth birthday. It's been a few months since Alexandra and I first kissed. We are still messing around with each other. I call it that way, because I don't know what else to call it. We haven't dated yet, but we cuddle and kiss. And sometimes I sleep in her bed and snuggle into her. People might call it a relationship, but I don't know what it is. People don't know about us, only Alyssa. At school we pretend we don't like each other. I guess that's just because Alexandra is ashamed of me. And I can't talk to her like I talk to Alyssa. By the way, about Alyssa, we talked about the kiss. It was just a one-time thing. We don't have feelings for each other. Brings me back to Alexandra. I still don't know if I have feelings for her. Well, I guess I have them, otherwise I wouldn't be kissing and hugging and stuff, but still. She's changed over the last year, since our parents died. I can tell that, but I don't know why she changed. It was so damn important to her that I became her. I don't know why that's changed. Sometimes she tells me she's in love with me, but when she does, she's asleep. I guess she's too afraid to admit it herself, unconscious.
She hasn't told her friends about us. She hasn't told them that she found out she's a lesbian either. I guess that's a bit weird, but I guess I just can't imagine it, because I have other kind of friends. A year ago I would have said 'better friends', but now I just think it. She hasn't told her best friend Cheryl either. I wonder if she's as much of a friend to Alexandra as Alyssa is to me. I told Alyssa what we were doing, but I didn't tell the other ones. I don't know if Alexandra wants to tell other people, so I just keep my mouth shut. Alyssa won't spoil a secret, so Alexandra's secret is safe with her. Well, tomorrow I'm having my birthday. I don't care so much about my birthday, but other people do, so I'll just go with it. There's also a party, but I only invited my four friends. I don't like weird people in my house, especially when I don't like them, so.. I'll just keep it between my friends that actually do matter.
I look up at the clock. I see it's almost midnight. Just five minutes left as a sixteen-year old. I'm sitting on the couch and Alexandra is wherever she is in the house. I don't know. About half an hour ago she told me she had to take care of something, so I just let her. Ooh, just one minute left. I hear some thumping downstairs and few moments later Alexandra walks down the stairs.
"It's almost your birthday." Alexandra smirks. "In a few seconds."
We both don't care so much about birthdays. I don't, because it makes me think of my parents, especially my dad. When I was just little, he spoiled me on my birthday, like dads do. Those days were my best days back then. I don't know why Alexandra doesn't like birthdays. I would think she liked them, because that means party-time, but she doesn't. Maybe she just likes regular parties.
"Congratulations!" She says and she kisses me on my lips. I grin. "I got you something." and she gives me a wrapped up little box.
"Thanks." I say as I look at the box. I unwrap the box and open it. There's a beautiful necklace in it. It's just a simple one, but it's nice. It's my taste, so I'm glad with it. I ask her to help me with the clasp and she stands behind me to put it on to me. She lets me look at it in the mirror and when I look, she stands behind me and wraps her arms around my waist. I lean in to kiss her nose, to thank her again. "Hmm." I moan slightly as I enjoy the warmth at my back.
"What?" Alexandra asks me, looking a bit naughty. I like is when she does that. I don't know, but it just turns me on.
"Nothing. I just thought you would give me something else. Or actually, I would give you something." I look into her eyes to see if she knows what I mean. I was talking about my virginity. It's not that I want to lose it desperately, it's just that I think I'm ready for it and Alexandra and I are doing well enough. I'm in love with her, so that's what counts, right?
"Oh, what's that?" She asks me with the same kind of spark in her eyes as minutes before. I can see it in the reflection of the mirror. She bites my ear and I feel a knot growing in my stomach. I want it to be untied by the blonde behind me. Suddenly I feel a hand running across my stomach. It's Alexandra. Her hands are moving over my body as I can look at them. It's actually kind of hot.
"Are you sure you want this?" Alexandra whispers in my ear. Her hot breath causes my skin to tingle and my power to focus reduces a little more. I can't think straight anymore. Am I sure I want this? But if I didn't want this, I wouldn't be so turned on, right?
"Do you want this?" I ask her, looking right into her eyes. I want to know if she really wants it. I mean, I don't even know if she's a virgin. I'm pretty sure she never had sex with a girl before, but I'm not sure if she did have sex with a guy. She's eighteen, so it's possible. And she kissed a lot of them. She narrows her eyes a bit.
"Of course." She nods. "But I don't want to, if you're not ready. I can wait, you know. But don't bother about me. It's about you." She whispers. I look in her eye and bite on my lip. I don't know for sure if I may ask her if she's done anything earlier.
"Did you..?" I ask, looking questioning to her. I bite a little harder on my lip, till it hurts. She turns me around and looks me in the eyes, while she runs her finger across my bottom lip, carefully pulling my lip out of the grip of my teeth.
"Don't do that.." She breathes. "That hurts.." She sighs. "And haven't had sex with a girl before, so this is totally breaking fresh ground for me too. I did have sex with a guy once, but.. I eh.." She flushes bright red.
"What?" I ask her when she doesn't finish her sentence.
"I didn't like it." She sighs. "At all. I mean, he tried and stuff. And I trusted him.. And I thought I was in love with him. But I kind of discovered I.. eh.. Don't like to have sex with men."
"When did this happen?" I ask her, frowning a bit, because I don't quite understand.
"Before we met. And I just thought it would be better if I had found my Mr. Right, you know? I never thought I.. was a lesbian." She sighs. "Or maybe I knew, but I didn't want to admit that to myself. But with you.. I don't know." She cups my cheek with her hand and runs her thumb across my cheekbone. "You make me a better person."
I smile. "Thanks for the compliment." I kiss her lips.
"Casey?"
"Hmm?"
"I think I love you." She breathes. It's a good thing that I'm almost nose-to-nose, because otherwise I guess I wouldn't have heard her. I'm about to open my mouth, when she lays her finger on my lips. "Shh. Don't say it if you're not ready to say it. I only want to hear it if you mean it." She whispers, so I just smile at her awkwardly. "It's okay." She reassures me. I relax a little. I mean, I think I'm in love with her and stuff, and I really like what we're doing. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to tell her I love her. I don't know if I do. Then again, I'm just seventeen years old, so I guess I don't have to know yet.
"Alex?" I ask the blond, for the first time not calling her Alexandra. She looks up surprised.
"Since when you don't call me Alexandra?" She frowns, but she also smiles, so I guess she thinks it's a good thing.
"Alex is shorter. And I think it sounds nicer. And cuter. And sexier. Don't know. I just like it." I grin.
"But.. what did you want to ask me?" She tilts her head a little.
"Well. I wanted to ask.." I hesitate a little. I don't know if I want to know. "Do you regret sleeping with that guy?"
She seems to be thinking about that one. I guess she never asked herself that question. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. On the one hand, I now know I don't like men that way. On the other hand, I wish I had waited. But then again, I thought I was in love with the guy. Maybe I was just naive." She sighs and looks worried.
"I'm sorry I asked." I say. I feel a little guilty about asking. Maybe I caused her to get into some troubles right now. I don't know. I thought it couldn't harm, but I'm not so sure about that.
"No, it's okay. I can handle it, I guess. It's just that.. I don't know. Maybe it would have been greater if I had just saved myself for the real one." She is chewing her cheek, I can tell.
"Alex. Please, stop bothering yourself. It happened. You can't rewind the time." I grab her hand and squeeze it. "Some things happen for a reason. So you can learn from them. And I'm pretty sure you learned from it."
"You're right. I don't know why suddenly it's bothering me so much. It's just that I never thought about it. It's just that.. I think it actually didn't count.. Well, it was sex, but I don't know.. It didn't feel well. And I had to fake an orgasm for the guy's ego, because it was his first time too. And I.. I didn't want to lie, but I did. So I broke up with him as soon as I could." She inhales very deep. "I'm a mess. And I screwed up so much. And I'm a liar. And I was unfair to you."
"But now you're not anymore." I say. "I think I've forgiven you."
"You've really grown up, you know. I mean.. Your parents would have been so proud of you. I am proud of you." She smiles, but I can see she's hurt. I can see it in her eyes. They're full of sorrow. I'm not sure I understand why she is hurt. I mean, I can imagine why she's hurt.. but I have the feeling there's more she isn't telling me. But I decide not to ask. Maybe she doesn't want to tell me. If she wanted to, she would have told me.
"I miss them." I say. I think of my dad. Would he have been proud of me? Seeing me like this? Would he approve of me being bisexual? Having a relationship with a girl? I don't know. It's not a thing we talked about when he was still alive. I was just seven years old when he died. I kind of know he wasn't homophobic, but I never really asked him if he was. Maybe I don't know. I wasn't really fascinated by that kind of stuff. I was more fascinated by cookies and movies and other stuff kids worry about. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to my father for a while. To ask him what he thinks about stuff. Or helps me with problems. Or just take me into his lap and soothes me. Being a father. I really missed that. I still miss that. And I miss and love my mom too, but it's just that she's not my dad.
