They fall into an odd sort of pattern, between living together and Cosima's many appointments and her own dissertation.
Physical therapist. Occupational therapist. Speech language pathologist. And a social worker. Delphine wasn't sure she could keep track of them all, though she recorded all of Cosima's appointments in her calendar the same. Then there were the doctors, the cardiac specialist, the internist, the endocrinologist…
It was enough to make her head spin. And it had only been three weeks. Three weeks of living with a morose and often moody Cosima. There were still moments when she saw her love shine through. When they'd have dinner, sometimes. When she'd lean into her shoulder on the couch during a movie. Early the morning, when she first wakes, Cosima is often exactly the same, smiling at her, shifting position on the bed. More than once, Delphine had been tempted to kiss her awake, to assert herself in obtaining some affection from Cosima. But she holds back.
She makes her own breakfast, preferring to leave out enough for Cosima to do the same when she wakes. She has to use her hands, she has to try, Delphine knows this well. And the more she helps, the angrier Cosima can be. She did not want a replay of the shower seat incident on Cosima's second day home. The idea had been for Cosima to bathe herself with minimal assistance from a seated position. However, seeing it installed for her use had made her lover feel like an invalid.
Delphine sighs, take a long sip of her tea. Her dissertation at least was going well. Twice a week she got away from Cosima for stretches of 4-6 hours, but she worried relentlessly about her during those times. It was silly, maybe.
"Good morning," Delphine greets Cosima cheerfully when she cautiously steps into the living area. "Did you sleep well?" She often wonders, does she sleep too much? Is Cosima becoming depressed?
"Yeah." Cosima answers in a small voice.
She can't exactly resent Cosima for being...different. Not even for not wanting her touch. The most she'd managed is an occasional quick kiss, a soft touch to the shoulder. Cosima seemed to take these moments and then quickly shrink back from them again.
She watches Cosima make herself toast, avoiding the use of her right hand as much as she could, she opens the jar of peanut butter and then simply stands back, lets Cosima struggle and figure it out.
Was this the new normal? Delphine wonders silently, watching Cosima eat her breakfast. She makes her tea, and places it beside Cosima's plate. Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, but there's barely a reaction now. A hum and a small smile.
Delphine stuffs down a half-baked plan of seduction, it's not the time. She has to let Cosima come to her, let Cosima make that move. Although she could turn up the romance and see if that made a difference.
"So… your mom called last night. How did that go?" She asks gently.
"Fine… they worry… but." Cosima shrugs. "I told them you're not after the Niehaus money…"
"What money?" Delphine's brow furrows… surely she knew that Cosima's family was paying for some of her complementary therapies. The physio. The therapists…
"Yeah… you don't even know." Cosima laughs, an odd sound when you're no longer used to it. "I have a trust fund."
"You have a trust fund?" Delphine repeats blankly to added nodding. It answered one question anyway, how Cosima had afforded to hire her services in the first place. And maybe it was all… strained, even with the love she knew Cosima's parents felt for her. Maybe she'd never know why Cosima didn't mention her grandfather, why she scarcely spoke of her family at all… but at least there was some openness now.
"I should be paying half.. rent…" Cosima muses aloud, in the stilted way she speaks now when not planning out what she's going to say.
Delphine changes the subject, towards something more comfortable than this small revelation. "Are they coming back to see you?"
"In September." Cosima manages the words well.
At least that gives her a few months to prepare, to try to convince the Niehaus family that she was trustworthy, that she wanted to take good care of Cosima.
"Felix is going to take me today." Cosima says simply, her speech improved, but still stilted, abnormal.
"OK." Delphine nods, "Both appointments?" She assumes that Cosima and Felix will get lunch, she just hopes it sticks to the intentional diet that she is slowly putting both of them on. Cosima has yet to notice the change, though she assumes it will come up sooner or later. After all, she is willing to try anything.
When Cosima nods, it's certain she'll have time. A romantic dinner? That she could throw together while Cosima was out, and still have plenty of time to work on her dissertation.
Delphine bits her lip, sitting down across from her beloved. "Are you… happy?"
"Happy?" Cosima scoffs. Maybe it was depression setting in, maybe it would set in for both of them if this kept up.
There's still so much tenderness in her heart for Cosima, even like this. But it hurts when Cosima meets her eyes, maybe nothing will ever be quite enough for Cosima again. She never thought this was going to be easy, not since falling in love with Cosima. But she never thought that Cosima would refuse to take comfort with her either.
A knock at the door heralds Felix's arrival.
"Hi Cosima…. Delphine." Felix greets them, leaving no secret that he is no fan of hers. "Let's go…"
"Hi Felix." She offers, she's not sure what else to say to the lanky young man, mostly because there's no way she can think of to recoup any sort of cordial relationship after him calling her a whore.
"Bye." Cosima offers, leaning in to give her a small kiss on the cheek. It's not much, Delphine decides, but it's something.
She spends the first two hours hard at work on her dissertation, before running out to get groceries. They need food anyways and the recipe she wants will take work.
She hops a streetcar, wanting to pick up a few things across town. Candles. Food. Wine.
It goes to plan mostly, as she fetches the various ingredients she'll need, picking up dessert for later - if Cosima ends up wanting it. She wants this to be perfect, maybe this way Cosima would let her love her. Even if only in small ways. Or maybe, the romance would help stoke what is left of Cosima's desire for her. If it still exists.
She browses the vegetables, selecting only those that meet her high standards, which of course means she's browsing through the piles far longer than most other people. She's probably in the way, but doesn't care. Whoever is coming up behind her can wait an extra fifty seconds for a bag of carrots.
And she wants to get back to Cosima, knowing that she'll be back from speech therapy soon, Felix in tow. She grabs a bag of oranges, bagging spinach and throwing other vegetables into the cart. Anything for Cosima
A hand grabs her arm from behind making her jump. It's not her usual part of the city, but it was on her way home.
She yanks back at her arm, but finds that the stranger has a firm grip on her elbow. This is not an elderly person who has simply tripped. Delphine turns around slowly to find herself face to face with Aldous Leekie.
How had he even recognized her? How much attention had the man really paid to her face? She assumed for most of her clients they were far more interest in her body. Though, Aldous was not the typical 'quickie' that many of them wanted. Even the returning clients had preferences and fantasies, though perhaps her face became part of it in the end.
"Ah… Hello… Delphine." Aldous speaks slowly, loosening his grip when he realizes that she is about to panic.
"Aldous." She comments, trying to be cold, cool. He doesn't know her name, he shouldn't know her name. It's… Cosima's fault. Cosima had called her Delphine in front of him once. And that, it seemed was enough.
"It's been awhile since we've seen each other." He comments casually, but for Aldous, this is probably an invitation.
Delphine wants to laugh out loud, instead she remains calm. "Yes." She hadn't expected this, though she had made the conscious decision to avoid the financial district - she didn't want to tempt fate. But Toronto was so large, how had this happened? Is he really brazen enough to start talking about prostitution in front of an old woman sizing up the ripeness of nearby pineapples?
"It's a shame…." Aldous comments. "Though, if you would like, we could rekindle our business arrangement. Leave out the middleman." The implication, more of the money would go directly to her, remains unsaid.
"I… My situation has changed, and I am no longer… available." Delphine decides on a word finally.
"Is there something I can say? The girl they sent in your place… well.." Aldous looks at her implicitly. She doesn't believe he wouldn't have taken what he could get. Was it the accent? Her body? Her nipples? Hell she is unsure why any of them would prefer any of the escorts to another, aside from menu offerings. It's all about the fantasy and who fits it best, that said, she's certain they could get what they want from any of them.
"Excuse me," Delphine offers politely, "I need to finish my groceries and get home."
He releases her finally, noting the public place. "What is so important?"
Delphine sighs, who cares what he thinks about her anyway. "I have to get back home to my girlfriend." She emphasizes the word, though perhaps it's a mistake. The last thing she wants is for the thought to arouse him further, to play into his stupid fantasy.
"Cosima." Aldous repeats after a long silence. "So… she's not a client. Well that's... interesting."
She doesn't respond simply moves away, and keeps shopping, needing to get out of here as quickly as possible. If Leekie were Landon Hess, for example, she's certain she'd be fending off an invitation for both her and Cosima to go to bed with the youngish playboy. But Aldous… she's not certain that's his angle. Though it very well may be.
She doesn't care whether or not the thought arouses him, or whether he now think she's a lesbian. What the hell is the difference anyway? The only thing she knows for certain is that she will not be frequenting this particular grocery store again.
She gets home in a rush, to find Cosima alone on the couch, eyes closed and peaceful.
"How was speech therapy?"
"Fine." Cosima offers, her voice was certainly smoother these days. It was working, that much she knew. She doesn't ask about the social worker, Cosima never offers any insight, and she does not ask.
"I have a dinner plan for us." Delphine tells her happily beginning to unpack the groceries.
Cosima sits for a moment watching her before offering. "Do you want any help?"
She smiles broadly in response. "Yes."
This feels good, Cosima cautiously putting things away. It takes her longer than it would for Delphine to do it herself, but it feels right.
She starts their dinner simmering, while Cosima makes rice. And it feels okay for once.
"I love you." Delphine whispers softly, pulling Cosima into a hug from behind.
"I know…" Cosima smiles, "this looks...good."
"Mmmhmmm." Delphine hums, pulling out the candles for the table. "I wanted to do something special."
The sweet smile she receives in return is enough, there's still love here.
Dinner goes well, Cosima smiles at it, grinning across the table. Candles lit, and lights dimmed she watches Cosima guide her fork to her mouth, she has to use her left hand, but it works.
"Is it good?" Delphine leans forward, watching Cosima take her first bite.
"Yes." The words emerge from smiling lips.
The words come slowly, but they come. Cosima manages. They can both manage. Maybe it would come back slowly, but there was no reason they couldn't resume their relationship, that they couldn't grow together. That this couldn't bring them closer, that Cosima couldn't… comfort herself with this.
They eat, and finally when she brings over dessert, putting on the kettle for tea she feels like finally something has been a success. Movie and cuddle? Delphine thinks, that would give her the opportunity to feel closer to Cosima certainly.
She places Cosima's dessert in front of her, the perfect little cake she'd picked up at a bakery, and she watches delight spread over Cosima's face. This hadn't been that expensive, and she could still spoil her. Without relying on the extra income she'd given up.
"Thank you." Cosima offers gently, squeezing her hand, and drawing to her mouth for a quick kiss.
It's enough to bring sharp intake of breath, Cosima's warm mouth to her palm. She's struck by an urge to pull Cosima up into her arms, to press their mouths together, to purposefully arouse Cosima and take her on the couch before dessert. But she resists, instead sitting down next to her, reaching for her own dessert.
"What is it? You look… nervous." Delphine decides, glancing back over at Cosima.
"Delphine, I want…" Cosima stumbles over her words briefly. "You should see a counselor." The words come finally.
"What?"
"You… should." Cosima mumbles out. "Better for us."
"I… I can." Delphine offers confused. Though she's not certain how that would go. How much honesty could the average therapist take? Would her former sex work become the conversation? Does Cosima believe that there is something wrong with her? Or was this about...coping?
"And… you could fuck other people." These words come out of Cosima's mouth in a rush. Was it to get it over with? Or was this really want Cosima wanted? Some sort of non-monogamy?
"What?!" Delphine drops her fork, tears welling up in her eyes. "Whose idea is this?"
"Mine." Cosima responds in a small voice. "Relieve stress. Someone healthier…"
"No, my love, I won't do it." Delphine responds instantly. I only want you, she lets that remain unsaid. It's stupid and romantic, but she'd thought that was what Cosima wanted as well. Is this a sense of inadequacy? Some way to get her to leave? As if she'd just abandon Cosima for the next woman to come along… she wouldn't.
"Felix said…" Cosima starts cautiously.
She doesn't have the patience for this anymore. "Felix also called me a whore." Maybe he thought it wasn't just the money for her, that she had some sort of voracious sexual appetite. That was definitely never the case, but it's not like she should just bring it up either.
Cosima drops her gaze to the table. "Sorry. It was… he knew before…before it was real."
"Oh…" Delphine looks up, pushing her chair closer to Cosima's so that she can reach out for her, pulling her into her arms.
"Sarah knows too. But no one else…" Cosima offers meekly, "I'm sorry. Didn't know then… that…"
"It's okay… it is true." Delphine gives Cosima a sad smile. "I… wish it wasn't sometimes." Maybe if she hadn't been, Cosima would be more devoted to her in return. Then again, they probably would never have met if things had been different. If she hadn't been a prostitute. If Cosima hadn't been sick.
"What?"
"For you." Delphine leans in, kissing Cosima's cheek softly, before reaching to kiss her mouth. But it's soft and slow, feels exactly the same as she remembers, even as she tries to slip her tongue into her lover's mouth. She needs to convince her that she wants her, wants only her. That this can work, that they can be together like that. That Cosima herself is what spurns her need, and is the one who can fulfill it.
She stands, not breaking contact, and tries to get herself on Cosima's lap, she's laying gentle kisses on Cosima's neck when she's stopped. She wants this now, she thinks of how this seduction should go, what she should say. What she could say without making Cosima worry it is for show?
"Not now." Cosima says simply, breaking away and kissing her cheek sweetly. "Let's finish eating."
"Okay." Delphine says, blushing as she returns to her own seat, tries to focus her attention on her food.
She wants to ask, to outright demand an answer as to why Cosima doesn't want her. She'd been next to her in bed each night, never bothered to hide when she changed. Reached out her own hands tentatively and nothing.
"Did you enjoy dinner?" Delphine asks later, curled up next to Cosima on the couch. But they're not touching. They are barely ever touching at all now.
"Yeah, really good." Cosima mumbles back, leaning away from her onto the armrest of the couch. "You went to the...normal store? This is some fancy stuff."
"No, but I am never going to that grocery store again," Delphine sighs, watching the movie Cosima selected on Netflix. It's weird, but she is not ready to go just yet.
"Why?"
"I ran into Aldous Leekie. It was...uncomfortable." Delphine finishes deciding on a word. She didn't want to be anywhere near him. Or any former client. It was too much. Too personal in a way. She didn't want them near this life at all.
Cosima remains silent for a long time, before lowering her head, her eyes watering.
"What is it?" She reaches out a soft hand to Cosima's shoulder. Surely, this gentle touch wouldn't annoy her.
"I hate... that he's.. had you." Cosima chokes out, eyes still fixed on the screen.
She wants to argue, that it was work. That he had never had her like Cosima has, and never would. But the words feel empty, and perhaps even false if all Cosima is speaking of is sex. And, she thinks with a sudden wave of regret, it's not possible for Cosima to have her the exact same way.
There was no response for that, Delphine realizes. There is nothing she can say to change it, if she could go back in time, she'd refuse Leekie as a client, she'd had plenty of others… Others that did not know Cosima in any way. But maybe this was just something for her love to fixate on, for something that has already made her unlovable in some way.
"I am so sorry." She says finally, unsure of how else to comfort Cosima about it.
It's two days before she's brave enough to even touch Cosima again.
The sun is just up, illuminating the bedroom in a soft light. And when she looks over at Cosima, she looks soft, blinking slowly in the light. She reaches out a hand to stroke the face she's come to love so much, thumb rubbing gentle circles on Cosima's cheek.
It's even more perfect when Cosima pushes herself forward, gently bringing their lips into contact. She moans briefly into Cosima's mouth.
And Cosima doesn't stop, she pulls her in with her good arm, laying little kisses on her lips, her neck.
"Oh… you feel good." Cosima murmurs to her, resuming her kisses. "Sorry… I was scared." She admits between kisses. Fear? After all these weeks it was fear?
It's the most there's been in months, low heat settling in her body as her excitement rapidly sets in. It's been too long, Delphine thinks as she pushes Cosima back, as she slides over her. Her nightgown is short, both for the summer heat and to try to get Cosima's attention.
"Oh baby…" Delphine leans down, kissing Cosima as she straddles her, "oh my love."
Finally, Cosima's lips under her own, Cosima soft and yielding under her mouth. She feels like her heart will burst.
For a few moments it's enough, she grabs for Cosima's right hand, pressing it first to her face, and then sliding it down to cup her breast. It's not strong, but Cosima squeezes weakly. She could make out with her for ages, this she knows, but she's impatient this time.
"Yes?" Delphine asks gently, her hand holds Cosima's in place.
"Yes." Cosima responds without hesitation.
She considers for a minute, gently sliding Cosima's hand the rest of the way down her body.
"Good, because I want you to fuck me…" Delphine whines, rolling her hips against Cosima's skin. Knowing she's already aroused, knowing this is all just a tease. Maybe this was what Cosima needed. Maybe she should have tried harder to convince her into bed. Maybe...
"Oh god…" Cosima simply murmurs back. Not mentioning the seduction. She lets her play with her just a little bit. "You mean it, don't you?"
"Yes." Delphine assures her with a few more tender kisses as she repositions herself over Cosima's body. She pulls off the shorts Cosima wore to bed, tossing them behind her, and throwing her own nightgown off to join them. Only a thin cotton tank separated them now. She looks down at the purple fabric, and that is enough to have Cosima reaching for it.
Cosima manages to remove the tank herself tossing it behind her with a grin, it reassures her if anything and she lowers herself down, a thigh slipping between Cosima's. It was just supposed to be for closeness, but she groans.
"Oh… you're wet." She breathes out, delighted at this, to feel this again. She'd been happy with just kissing. It was so much better than the terrible lack. And… Cosima was aroused. The feel of her heat against her thigh was unmistakable.
"Yeah." Cosima answers sheepishly, kissing her face.
"Oh… Cosima…" She shifts, bringing a hand down between them, slowly easing it down Cosima's chest, her belly… Maybe it's too much, and maybe she's being impatient… but Cosima groans again.
"Delphine…" She's not sure if Cosima is begging. And if so what she's begging for. Maybe it's something else, but it certainly sounds needy.
"Let me in…" Delphine whispers, shifting her body back, her hand going between soft thighs. "Please… just let me in…"
Legs part somewhat slowly as her response. She enters her slowly, one finger at a time. It feels easy, but she watches Cosima's face for signs of discomfort. For a few moments it's perfect, Cosima around her fingers, moving her hips underneath her, smiling at her.
"I'm in you..." Delphine purrs delightedly, this is what she craves. And Cosima is open, and wet, and how could this be anything but perfect? How could she want this so much?
She's stroking gently in time with kisses planted on Cosima's neck and chest when she sees what she thinks is a wince.
"Too much?" She worries, she doesn't want her hurt her, she just wanted to be inside. But maybe she shouldn't have even tried.
At Cosima's nod, she gently pulls out, moving down her lover's body instead. This will do nicely, it's not like her fantasies of Cosima hadn't played out this scenario a dozen times since bringing her home.
"You taste like sex…" Delphine mumbles happily kissing the inside of her lover's thighs. It's perfect, so perfect even as her mouth makes contact and she feels Cosma shudder.
Cosima groans, tossing her head back and allowing her to continue. It's not different now, Cosima under her tongue, swollen and needy and moving into her mouth.
Between quivering thighs, she promises silently to Cosima. That she'd give her forever, instead her tongue and lips work near silently. Delphine finds herself groaning several times, before Cosima begins to tremble, mouth falling open and head falling back.
It's over almost too soon, and she's happy to continue. This is good, this is enough. They are alive, together, and making love. There's no reason not to continue, Delphine decides, working so gently, as tenderly as she can until Cosima crests again.
When Cosima is done, blissed out laid against the bed, she stretches herself out half on top of her.
"That was wonderful." Delphine informs Cosima quietly. How could this not be? Affirmation of life, or otherwise, she was happy to have her now. She supposes in time, this will become their new normal. Until things change again.
"It could be better…" Cosima offers, her left hand moving to reach between them, to enter her quickly once she finds that she is ready.
"Yes…" Delphine hisses, rocking her hips. "You're inside me."
Cosima's left hand works in her gently. She was right, it wasn't as dextrous as her dominant hand. But it doesn't matter.
"Perfect. You are perfect." She breathes, trying to reassure Cosima.
Cosima half smiles up at her. "Really?"
Delphine smiles, rocking down gently into Cosima's hand. "I love making love with you… you feel so damn good." She lets herself run at the mouth, for Cosima, for her own enjoyment, all of it. But she holds back just a little. Let's get married. Be with me forever. Let's have everything. Maybe, someday she'd be brave enough.
"It's yours…" She tells her, rocking her hips. And maybe it's too much, and Cosima's brow furrows and she's certain that she'll be subject to a lecture on feminism later. "No one else gets to have this now, it's all for you."
"Why?" Cosima seems vaguely uncomfortable. "Delphine… your body is yours…"
"Parce que je t'aime…" She responds as if that answers everything.
She comes, eventually, although it seems to take forever, neither of them mind.
She holds her afterwards, face to face, so close that their foreheads are still touching.
"We…. we can make it work." Cosima whispers, pushing sweating curls back from her face. "Even if… I can't give you… normal."
"What is normal anyway?" Delphine suggests gently. "I don't want anything you can't give me."
"Not… a full lifetime? Not children? You… you don't want any of that?" Cosima's voice is gentle, but her words sting at her the same.
The answer, of course, is not without Cosima. But maybe, maybe it's too soon to even say that.
"I want you." She says instead.
"I'm dying… And I don't know when… it could be a decade… 15 years, I really don't know. Congestive heart failure… if nothing else does me in… I just I don't want you to be stuck with this." Cosima tries to explain, tearing up. "I don't… I don't even know how long we'll maintain a sex life, or… anything. Or if we can get clearance from my doctors to travel. Or if my right hand will ever work well enough to fuck you with it again…"
"Slowly… and we are all dying, Cosima." It seems simple enough to say it, but what will it be like to live it.
"So… even if it's like six years, and only three of them are half decent, you're...okay?" Cosima looks at her expectantly.
"I want to give you everything I have to give." Delphine says simply. Maybe it is just romantic drivel, but she can give Cosima that much. Her heart. Her body. Her time.
"There's a new drug." Cosima looks at her, pulling away for a moment. "I… I was going to say yes."
"Good… we'll try that." Delphine leans in to give her a soft kiss on the forehead.
"We?" Cosima looks up, almost hopefully.
"It's 'we' now." Delphine reasons aloud, she's as in this as Cosima will allow her to be.
"So what happens now?" Cosima asks, laying back prone on the bed, their bed.
"Everything. Anything." Delphine responds, curling in her body to play with a stray dread.
Thing would have to continue to shift and change between them, depending on Cosima's health. On so many things. But … her love wasn't going to change, not that easily.
