A/N Hello people who are still reading The Simplest Sin. I give to you another chapter. Its not my best work, and there is little character interaction, but you get another look inside Sam's head. Please enjoy, and know all reviews are adored.
My legs feel heavy as I walk back to the cabin. The feeling that I still don't have a name for burns inside of me, and I wonder if the guilt I feel will ever actually fade. I just had sex with Conner, I gave him my virginity. If I tell my siblings they'd probably throw me a party or something. I should be happy, that what girls in love are like after they have sex. If there is anything I am not at the moment it is happy. Instead my stomach is coiling as if it wants to empty itself, my hands are shaking, and I feel the beginning of tears stir behind my eyes. I shove the feelings away. I had consented, and I had told Conner I loved it, loved him. I chose this, and by the gods I was going to see this through.
My body pointedly ignored my determination and a few tears found their way down my cheek. Wiping them away with a forceful hand, I march with new vigour to my cabin. I am a daughter of Aphrodite, and my mother would smite me where I stood if I broke down from the physical aspect of love. No I would pretend that I enjoyed it, I would smile at Conner and give him secret looks, I would laugh with him like I used to and I would kiss him like I did when I tried to prove myself to my cabin. I could do this. I could play out my lie, so he would keep smiling.
I try and keep in mind the smile he had worn on his face when I lay on his chest, both of us sweaty and smelling of sex. He had grinned at me, and looked at me like every girl wanted to be looked at. I had tried to copy his expression, and I suppose I must have succeeded, because he had kissed me deeply. Soon afterward he had sighed and said they should probably get dressed before Chiron found them and chewed them out.
"It was worth it" I say aloud and I have to wonder if I'm lying or not.
When I enter my cabin it is empty save for Dustin, said boy smiles and waves. I ignore him. I don't care if I come across as rude, I just can't deal with anyone at the moment. Despite the fact that my mind is firmly set into the belief that I can continue, my stomach continues to recoil from me. By the time I reach my bunk, the lower three away from the door, my knees have begun trebling. I am going to cry I can feel the tears burning in my eyes, and to be perfectly honest I think my lunch my make a reappearance if my stomach does not stop its tumbling. Still I throw myself on the pillows. I have nothing to do until dinner, which is still hours away. Most people spend the small amount of free time awarded challenging friends to sparring matches, or with their lovers.
The soft cotton of the pillow case rubs again my cheek, and I try and shake away the unwanted thoughts and memories. I turn myself from my stomach to my side facing the wall and the pictures residing on it. My father's smiling face and ditsy blond hair greet me, even in photographs he is handsome. Most people assume I get my looks from my mother, but my father is just as attractive. I miss him, and I miss home. I suppose that is what got me into this mess in the first place. Connors smile reminded me of home, and in this fucked up life I would do anything for that small taste.
The lasting memory of my actions are still hunting me. I can still feel his touch on me, his lips lingering. Removed from mind the experience could have been pleasurable, after the initial pain the physical sensations had not been unpleasant. But mind and body were connected, and without affection I feel nothing but disgust. I am disgusted by my actions, even now they turn my stomach the act and motivation. Still I know I will do it again.
I wonder what that makes me. I suppose it makes me a horrible person. It is now twice that I have lied to Conner about how I feel. The first time to insure my place among siblings, and the second to see him smile. Tears are falling unstoppable from my eyes and I stifle the sobs I can feel building in my throat. I simply want to be alone able to cry and try and find some peace of mind before I have to act my way through my disaster.
For the first time in the life of praying to gods I know are real they answer my prayers, Dustin finally leaving from whatever he was doing. I let my sobs run free now, knowing I have so little time before someone else will come along and disturb me. An emotional tidal wave comes crashing down with the release of my sobs. Guilt, shame, disgust, anger, sadness, and hopelessness bearing down on me worse than a sword wound.
"Mother forgive me." Are the words that fall from my lips, and I don't even know why I spoke them yet it feels right in way. After all I must have done something wrong for the daughter of the love goddess to be so incapable of love.
After my sobs subside, I allow myself only a few moments of misery before I uproot myself and gather things for a shower. In cabin ten there is only a small bathroom that only has a limited amount of hot water for the day. I know beyond a shadow if a doubt that ours has all been used up. That was why everyone was only allowed ten minutes in the bathroom in the morning. So I uproot myself to the communal showers, hoping the hot water awaiting will wash away more than the sweat on my skin.
