Daisuke's Journal

[Window Of Your Heart]

It's so easy for me to think that I know,

What's going on in your head

Only time will tell the meaning of love,

But by that time I'll be dead

So don't close your eyes it's all I've got,

To see the truth that's inside

The window of your heart,

And don't close your eyes it's all I've got,

To see the truth that's inside your heart

~MIC; Window Of Your Heart

Daisuke lay still, listening to the sounds of the rain outside, and the kids playing. He could hear people in the rooms and different floors. Hear as kids laughed, shouted, ran around and generally chatted. Inside he wondered how they could all be so happy on a day like this.

He could smell the usual disinfectant and spilled medicine that lingered in the first-aid room. Next to him, in the other bed, was a little girl who'd gotten a cold on the way to school. She was asleep with some foul smelling ointment the nurse had rubbed on her throat. Every now and then she would have a sniffing-attack, or cough.

There were six beds in all, making the room look more like a small hospital wing. Only three 'patients' were there now. The other, a young boy who would be leaving soon, was waiting for Yoshi-San to return with some aspirin for his headache. It wouldn't take her very long, seeing as even Daisuke knew exactly where it was.

Sometimes when he came in he would ask her for some aspirin, his headaches one of the few reasons he came into the nurses office. The other reason was that he would come in almost every lunchtime, simply to lie down and either sleep or just rest. Yoshi-San sometimes joked that he had an especially reserved bed waiting, every time he came in.

Today was no different then any other lunchtime. He came in, said hello to the friendly nurse sitting at her desk, ate what little lunch he'd managed to buy, and then lay down.

Sometimes, like right now, he wondered why his 'friends' never asked him where he disappeared at lunchtime. Oh sure, sometimes he went to the library to do some work, and other times he had soccer practise, but there were all those other times when he'd simply head straight for the nurses office, and wonder how come they didn't notice.

Like some friends they could have at least once asked him to sit with them, or maybe want to play a game or talk at lunchtime. Maybe they were looking for him right now, and would forget to ask after they'd gotten back to class… He didn't know. And at times like this, he didn't care.

He rolled over on his side, wincing at the pain from where he'd been slammed into the wall. He looked up and found the young boy sitting at the nurse's desk was looking right at him. He blinked before giving a gentle smile and a wave. The boy turned away; Daisuke couldn't tell if it was because of shyness or disgust. After all he didn't come in everyday asking for aspirin; Daisuke would have remembered. He didn't come in to lie down and catch up on what sleep or rest he just couldn't get at home, for fear that his own father would come in and yell at him for something he didn't do.

With a gentle sigh Daisuke merely rubbed his face against the pillow, trying to get comfortable in the hopes that he would fall asleep soon, despite the coldness of the day and the thinness of the blanket he had wrapped around him.

Earlier that morning he'd gotten into trouble with Takeru and Miyako, though he still wondered what exactly he had done. Apparently it had something to do with him bursting into the classroom after bumping into Takeru who was also headed inside, and something about a science experiment. He couldn't see anything broken, and there was nothing to break. Miyako had out a notebook and Takeru was standing in the doorway looking mad. Not wanting to get into any more trouble Daisuke had quickly left to hide on the front steps until class started.

He was still feeling bad about having yelled at Chibimon last night, and had apologised again and again on the way to school, and into the computer room. He'd even tried making amends with a candy bar he'd gotten at the Inoue's store.

Chibimon had refused the token and had simply stared at Daisuke the entire time, not saying a word. Daisuke couldn't tell if he was mad or upset, or even just confused. Even now as he lay in the nurses room, he wondered of Chibimon and how he was doing.

He hoped the little in training wouldn't tell the other Digimon, or even their human friends. In his mind he didn't want them to know his secret, or secrets. He didn't want them to worry about him and try and help him. He didn't want them being hurt by him.

But he knew that leaving it for so long may get him and them hurt, and make it worse when it came down to it. Sometimes he wished he weren't so stubborn. Though… in his heart he wished they'd find out, wished that they would come and rescue him. Like in a story he'd written once, about his life.

He'd made himself, Aki, the main character and had written out, in quite disturbing detail, the events of his life. He'd made it sound as though in Odaiba he'd made friends with a few kids and they'd found out about him and 'rescued' him.

A happy ending…

Yeah right.

He'd written the 'ending' for the story only just as they'd moved to Odaiba. Before he'd met Hikari and the others. He'd posted it up on his website and refused to change any of it… though one day he just might have to.

Many people had e-mailed him about the story, entitled: Life. It was their favourite story, and many wrote asking if it was based off of his life and experiences. He, or course, had confirmed this and also the other major question of: Is that the true ending?.

Of course they already knew it wasn't. They were able to tell the difference between his deep, mournful words of truth, and the quickly sketched, cliché words of fantasy.

Daisuke heaved yet another sigh, as he listened to the school bell.

Lifting himself up and out of the small bed, he grabbed his things and walked slowly over to the Nurses desk to thank her for letting him stay.

In his mind he dreaded the end of the day, when he would be looking forward to one of two things, maybe even both. The Digiworld, and the resident school bullies searching for a target: him.

*

Daisuke packed away his things, hoping to make it home in time to beat his sister. Though he wasn't too sure if that was even possible. He stood to check his locker, in case he'd left something, and so didn't notice the little blue streak bound into his schoolbag. He closed his locker and his bag, before heading out of the school. He quickly avoided contact with his friends, in hopes that they would not pick on him for the way he had acted in the Digiworld today, or talk to him about something trivial and time-consuming. 'I have to get home, now!' He thought urgently. He didn't want to stay on the school grounds, not with this lump threatening in his throat.

He was greatful that Miyako had suggested leaving the Digimon at the school once more, because of hers and the others own reasons. Daisuke would usually wish that Chibimon could stay with him, feeling safer when the little creature was with him. But today he didn't want his friend to come with him, not with the sadness this strong. He didn't want Chibimon to see him break down and cry. He didn't want Chibimon to know his secret, of who he really was.

Chibimon had seen the sadness in Daisuke's eyes and had wanted to know what was bothering him, and so, despite the warnings and urges from his friends he'd hurried out of the cupboard and scurried at top speed (A Human's walking pace) till he'd found Daisuke.

He'd seen the distracted loneliness in his partner's eyes, which he'd seen in him every now and then in the Digital World. A while back, just before Takeru had mentioned meeting his sister, he had that same distant, sad, lonely gaze in his eyes. It hadn't helped that once again the others had once again misinterpreted him and had made him even more depressed.

He'd seen the fear and loneliness in his friend's eyes many times after that at his apartment, where it seemed to be worse. He was starting to worry about his friend, waking up in the middle of the night and avoiding his questions, and being yelled at by his father.

It was all very confusing, and worrying for the little Digimon. And it only made him even more determined to find out exactly what was wrong with his friend.

It took about half an hour, or less, before Chibimon suddenly found himself on the floor of Daisuke's room. He peered out and looked around. Being only about a foot tall the little thing could only see the floor stretched out before him, and only just barely see the tops of the furniture surrounding him.

He noticed someone – Daisuke – was on the bed. What he didn't notice was the faint shudder of his shoulders every so often, or Taichi's goggles haphazardly lying next to the bag. When he did, however, find the goggles, he realised he could hear a quiet sobbing sound coming from the bed.

"Daisuke?" The sobbing and whimpering continued, making Chibimon's heart stop. He tried again, this time a little louder. "Dai-Chan?" The little guy hadn't called Daisuke this before, and so caused the muffled sobbing and whimpering to quiet down.

Daisuke then leaned over the edge of the bed to look at the floor in confusion. Chibimon felt his heart break and his breath leave him. Daisuke's face was streaked with tears and anguish making him look weak, and lonelier than anything Chibimon had ever seen, in all of his forms. Daisuke's expression turned to surprise.

"Chibimon? What…?" He then seemed to realise the state he was in and so quickly jerked back, rolling over so as to hide his face from his friend. Too late.

Chibimon bounded onto the bed and onto Daisuke's side, and over onto the bedspread in front of him before he sat right in Daisuke's face.

"What'sh wrong? Why are you crying?" The Digimon asked softly. The sad, fear-filled eyes, which looked up at him, broke the little guys heart once more. Daisuke tried to roll away again but Chibimon clung onto his jacket collar. Daisuke sat up and Chibimon let go, falling into his lap. "What'sh wrong?" He repeated.

Daisuke looked down at him and slowly rubbed the tears out of his one eye, stopped, and then gave up, letting his hands lay at his sides. This time he couldn't simply explain the tears as water from the bathroom where he'd cried last time, or pretend he wasn't crying.

"Nothing's wrong."

"Yesh their ish, you're crying!"

"I know."

"Why?"

"Because I… I sometimes cry because… it hurts…"

"What hurtsh?"

"Inside," Daisuke covered his chest with one hand. "Inside of me there's a hole and it hurts when sometimes… when people make fun of me or… get angry with me for certain reasons."

"A hole?" Daisuke nodded. "Where did the hole come from?" He shrugged.

"I've always had it." Then, suddenly, there was a great fear in his eyes. "Please, promise me something. Please, Chibimon?"

"What?"

"Don't tell the others. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"How come?"

"I don't want them to hurt me again, I don't want anyone to get hurt. If you tell them… they… they won't understand."

"Sappari wakarana." Daisuke smiled sadly. [I don't understand (It all)]

"I know. Onegai. Promise me?" [Please]

"Yakusoku, Dai-Chan." [I promise] The youth picked up his Digimon and hugged him gently.

"Domo Arigatou. I'm sorry I scared you." [Thank you]

"Itsh Okei. You can cry if you need to." [Okei: This is how they spell Okay, in Japanese]

*

It was quite a night in which Daisuke showed Chibimon some of his sketches, paintings and drawings. Chibimon called them incredible and when he heard that Daisuke could play music had begged him over and over till the youth had played a short sonnet on his tin flute.

Later Daisuke was found on his computer, chatting to someone on his instant messenger. A while back he had collected the other Digidestined's e-mail's (Most of them without their knowledge) and had added them onto his contacts list. The sad part was that they were the only people on that list.

He was talking to Koushiro right now, who for some reason had gotten into his head that he was talking to Iori and not Daisuke. Though he had only mentioned it once and didn't seem to notice the occasional 'LOL' during that particular conversation.

They were talking about the new Digivices and how they worked. Daisuke had been really interested to find out how Koushiro had figured all this out, and any theories he had on the strange devices. He himself had a few theories and so the duo spent quite a few hours on the computer, chatting together.

Chibimon lay in Daisuke's lap, reading his Journal so far. He didn't seem very pleased with what he was reading, but every now and then he would smile.

Daisuke looked down after logging off, seeing as Koushiro's mother had peered in to tell him to go to bed. He watched as the little blue in training was flipping through the blank pages of his journal, as if seeking out some hidden entry. All he did find, however, were a few doodles and short notes in the back of the Journal. Most were ideas for lyrics, poems or pictures.

"Hey," Chibimon looked up at his friend. "Whatcha looking for?" The little creature seemed confused. Obviously he wasn't used to hearing Daisuke's voice so soft and tired. Though he had heard this 'voice' before it was different now he knew the story behind the mask.

"Nothin'. Did you really write all of that?"

"Who else would?"

"…I dunno. Is it true?"

"Yeah. 'M afraid so." Daisuke took the Journal away from his friend and propped it on the desk, before opening it to the last page and writing down a quick note and then shoving everything in his desk drawers.

A few minutes later and Daisuke was lying awake in his bed, watching his Digimon friend sleeping peacefully. And even then it wasn't long before he himself was asleep and slipping into a dark void of dreams and illusion.

*

Daisuke sat up quickly, hysterical sobs wracking his small frame. He shivered despite the warmth of the room, and covered his face with his hands, crying freely, though softly. His whimpering sobs woke up the little blue and White Digimon on the pillow beside him. The little creature took one look at his friend and partner before he was instantly in his lap, bouncing slightly.

"Dai-Chan! Dai-Chan!" The little creature cried, worried for his friend. Daisuke lowered his hands and choked on the sobs as he tried to peer through his tears at the little Digimon. He'd forgotten the little guy was there.

"Onegai, Chibimon… Gomen Nasai, Gomen! Please forgive me!" The little thing could only nod, shocked. He then scooped the little thing into his arms and held him gently, yet firmly. Still crying he tried to fight away the whimpered sobs, and choking of the tears.

"Dai-Chan?" The little thing let him hold it, but still he watched as his friend cried, and he didn't know why. "Doshita no? Did you have a bad dream?" [What's wrong?]

"H… hai…" Daisuke gasped slightly, nodding his head. "A bad… dream, Chibi… Gomen."

"What was it?"

"Memory… Akumu… what's the difference?" [Nightmare] Daisuke was no longer sobbing hysterically, though he gave a quite whimper as his grip loosened from around the Digimon. "I was remembering before I got you. I was… dreaming… of what could… have been." Chibimon cocked his head.

"Tell me." Daisuke stared down at the pleading crimson eyes, his own melted chocolate eyes still blurred by tears and faint pain. He couldn't help but smile. 'The worst thing I can do is lie to him.'

"Before I met you, the day before school started, I was in the bathroom. Do you know what Suicide is, Chibi?" The blue in training seemed thoughtful for a second. He had read this in Daisuke's Journal, but he hadn't fully understood it, being too interested in the information hidden in the words, then the actual words themselves.

"It means to kill yourself." Suddenly his eyes widened, and he started nuzzling against Daisuke's stomach as he murmured over and over. "Iie, Dai-Chan! No! No!" [No]

"Hai. I had swallowed a couple of pills and slit my wrists. But Jun came home early. She made me throw up the pills, and wrapped the towels around my wrists. She left me to clean up my mess and left to go to her room." Chibimon looked up at him, his own eyes watery.

The two sat in silence, often broken by Daisuke's rugged breath. Chibimon tried to climb up onto his friends shoulder to comfort him. Daisuke eventually pushed him up.

"Its ironic how something like me is only useful in another world." He whispered bitterly. Chibimon nuzzled up against his neck and cheek, causing Daisuke to lean his head slightly.

"Please stop crying." Chibimon begged quietly. "I don't like seeing you sad, or hurt."

"Your probably the only one." Chibimon winced. "But it doesn't matter now. Because now I at least have some people who I can call 'Tomodachi', and even hang out with. Makes me feel… somewhat normal." [Friend] He couldn't help but smile softly at the thought. "It's… nice." He then heaved a sigh.

The little guy looked much happier. Though Daisuke had not cheered up.

"So why were you crying?"

"Because… I have to deal with something completely new and just as painful as before. And all I could think about… was how much easier it would have been if I'd simply ignored Jun…" Chibimon nuzzled against him again.

"Please don't say that! Never say that! I'd die if you even thought about doing that again!"

"I know…"

"Then don't!" Again the silence, and before Chibimon knew it, Daisuke was looking at him with the most serious, most trusting look he'd ever seen in his life.

"Please, promise me something."

"What?"

"Please… keep me alive." Chibimon's jaw dropped, his mouth moved, but no sound came out. "I want you to promise me that you'll keep me alive. Stop me from dying, please Chibi?" The Digimon nodded, slowly.

"Of course Dai-Chan. I don't want you to go." Daisuke smiled and hugged the little Digimon close.

"Arigatou. I love you my friend."

"Aishiteru yo matta, Dai-Chan." [I love you as well (too)]

Can you imagine? Never having felt love of any kind, through your entire life? Never knowing true happiness, and having to fake it instead? And even never been held, not once? Can you imagine the pain and sadness, the terrible, cold emptiness inside? Daisuke felt these things, felt the cold, dark emptiness, from being loveless and declined from even the faint warmth of bodily contact.

The deep sadness and fear he kept inside through his whole life added to the hatred he refused to show, to anyone. The reason he was reckless and would cling onto anyone who showed him warmth was because of this darkness inside, this pain.

He was lost, inside his own head, where it had been beaten into him that he was not allowed to feel these things, and should have never even been born. It is a mixture of terror and anguish, which no living being should ever have to go through, much less base their life upon.

A/N: Next chapter we meet Ken-Chan! Wai~!