Disclaimer: No! It's not mine….Q.Q

-- Well I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been angsting. Not really sure why, I've just been in an emo-ish mood. Now I know you're thinking 'isn't that perfect for this story?' well it is but I was too busy angsting to n00bs on a website I didn't have time to write out my 'sorrows' lol. But I'm here now with a new chapter.

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-- SASUKE POV--

I feel uncomfortable. It's as if my skin is burning from the inside out. Everything's itchy and if I don't get to move soon I'll make a fool of myself. I never should've agreed to this. There's no point in sitting here.

On the other side of that door is Iruka's mother. She's even more insufferable than Iruka himself. Kakashi and Iruka insisted I come out to meet her, that I dress nice, that I try small talk. –Small- talk is not possible with Mrs. Umino. How anyone can be so intrusive and polite at the same time is beyond me. At first it was little things 'How old are you' 'any honor classes?' but now…Now she's asking things like 'What's your orientation, sweetie?' 'Do you masturbate to TV personalities?' I almost choked on my sushi. The question about my orientation was somewhat expected, with Iruka being her son and all, but who I masturbate to is my own business…and possibly the business of Haku.

The longer I stare at the door leading to the den to more I wish I would've stayed the night at Haku's. I'm no stranger to his home; in fact, Zabuza has beaten up some people in my name. But instead of taking his offer like I normally would I humored Iruka's family dinner offer. He said something along the lines of 'becoming a big happy family'. I'm not sure if I will ever consider Mrs. Umino family. Kakashi, yes, Iruka, I'll adapt to, -that- woman…no way in hell.

Several times throughout dinner I felt her eyes on me. When I met her gaze it felt to me as if she were looking through me. It felt as if she could see into all of my memories and insecurities. I'm use to such penetrating looks but not like this. Her's was laced with a heavy pity. I don't like being pitted. I'm not someone's charity; I'm not someone's ticket to better karma.

I can't take it anymore! I stand abruptly and knock over my chair. Dinner be damned, I'm uncomfortable. I startled Kakashi with my sudden actions but he quickly went back to his porn. He too finds Mrs. Umino irritating so he opted to sit with me rather than chat in the den. Dimly I can hear the den door opening and startled questions from Mrs. Umino. Kakashi will cover me and if he doesn't all the better. Maybe she'll think I'm a delinquent and refuse to visit again.

As much as I want to lock my door I don't. If I do lock it someone will inevitably try to come in and 'comfort' me, Murphy's Law I believe, perhaps not; that topic was reviewed after I'd cut a little too deep in the bathroom, I lost a lot of blood. A worn down body often leads to a worn down perception. Thankfully I've been able to retain some semblance of my mind even in the worst of situations.

I make my way to my bed and notice a yellowish splash of light across the expanse of my bed. The curtains…I ripped them down just like I intended. The sunlight problem has been resolved but in retrospect I wonder when it has ever been a good idea to remove curtains when your bed is near by. I could always put them back up for now. Iruka and Kakashi know the truth, the moon's lies won't deceive them. But Mrs. Umino…screw it. She'll be gone in a few hours.

With spite I put the curtains back up and close them. I'm not tired now but I don't feel like sitting in the light either. I lie back on my bed, sprawled out like a lazy child, and stare at the ceiling. I remember doing this as a child. I enjoyed such simple things. Often times my mother would find me lying on my stomach in the grass just watching it grow. Other times I would lay just like this in my bed and stare at the popcorn ceiling until my eyes went out of focus. It's always better when your eyesight blurs. Once that happens I just know I've been staring for a long time. I know my eyes have glazed over and that I've successfully blocked out the world. I would spend hours some nights just staring at the ceiling. It made me feel relaxed. When I was younger it wasn't only a hobby but a way to speed up time. I was so concerned with growing up to impress my father that I never really went out and played. I had childish moments but I never really just let go completely and did something truly silly and without purpose for fun.

My first few months with Orochimaru made me detest my hobby of 'blank gazing'. At night while I was hurt and afraid I would chide myself for all that lost time. I found myself trying to count how many hours I wasted staring at things when I could've been with my mother or brother. It was at those times, in the dark of night with only the ticking clock to keep me company that I felt like I deserved this. During those long late hours I felt as if these beatings were pertinence for the way I had previously lived. I was born into a family filled with opportunity and hope, instead of embracing these opportunities I laid outside to watch grass and other frivolous things. I'm certain my brother never did anything like that. Itachi was always one to read rather than sit and do nothing.

But eventually I stopped thinking during those late hours. I soon realized that I was giving into Orochimaru far too easily and so I began my hobbies again. Blank gazing became a wonderful way to ignore pain. I didn't discover the wonders of cutting until eight grade and even if I had I doubt I would've pursued –that- particular path at such a young age. Blank gazing is a wonderful way to space out. It's almost like your soul separates from your body. You don't think, you barely feel, and most importantly, you don't remember. Everything just turns into a pleasant colored blur. But cutting…cutting is such an amazing high. Your heart beats faster because you know pain is coming and adrenaline pumps wildly through your veins while you pull the blade across. All those cuts, like records of sin screaming to be seen. It's a sharp and stinging pain but it's so wonderful. If you focus on the cut then everything else becomes numbed and the scent of copper becomes your savior.

The first time I cut it was by accident. I was doing the dishes. Orochimaru had a lot of silverware, knifes in particular. He had a lot of cups as well. Because his dish-drainer was so small I came up with a system. I'd fold a towel in half and lay it on the counter. Silverware would be piled up to one side of the towel, closest to the drainer, and cups would be stacked in the available space. Plates and bowls went to the dish-drainer and pans would be put in the drawer beneath the stove. The system was for space issues not safety. It never really occurred to me how dangerous it was to just piles an entire drawers' worth of silverware in one spot. But one day in the middle of doing the dishes Orochimaru slammed the front door open and screamed. I never figured out what angered him but I had been so startled by the outburst that I spun around quickly. My arm happened to draw by a protruding knife. For a good ten minutes I didn't notice anything other than the cut on my arm. From that point on, I was hooked.

As cutting became my new hobby so did sewing. I had never really thought about how I would hide the cuts. Haku had always just put makeup on my bruises when they were in a noticeable place or when it was too hot to wear long-sleeves. But this wasn't something I wanted Haku to know about. Even though digging metal into my skin made me feel better it also made me feel dirty in a way. I chalked it up to taking the good with the bad and brainstormed ways to hide my new addiction. Armbands were my solution. They could be made loose enough so that I would feel cool but they were also concealing. I made my first pair out of an old shirt and a set of blue doll belts. When Haku asked I told him I felt bad about always using up his makeup. It was a half-truth, another lie that wasn't really a lie. And it made me feel horrible. I had never lied to Haku, even about the most embarrassing of things. It didn't take long for me to cave and show him what I was doing.

He had been furious. Never before had I seen Haku yell until then. He screamed at me about secrets and my health but when he calmed down…He tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, the left ear, and smiled softly. He picked up one of the bands and told me what a good job I had done on the stitching. He gave me some Neosporin and gauze. After that whenever I cut too deep it was Haku that calmed me down and cleaned me up. Never once did he look tired of it. To this day that still worries me. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of his kindness but I can't help myself. I always cut one more time after I say no more and I always run back to him after I say I'll be strong on my own.

Once, while Haku thought I was sleeping, he spoke in a low whisper about how I was like a vine. I could be strong and I could adapt, but without a tree to cling to I was helpless. He chuckled and called himself a Lilly pad. They could blossom beautifully even in the worst of places and if a vine should fall on one it's weight would be supported, even if only for a moment. Then he laughed in an airy way and said vines grew beautiful flowers sometimes too.

It's becoming harder to think and my vision is blurring. Now it's time for more blank gazing.

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--AUTHORS NOTES—

Well there you have it! Chapter 7 is done. I like this chapter more towards the end, when the blank gazing topic comes up.

I –do- blank gaze, it's a lot of fun. I did it in class one time though, not cool. I also put up my dishes in a similar manner. There's a silverware pile and cups on a towel but we have two dish-drainers and plenty of room.

School starts for me on the 20th but that doesn't really mean anything.

This chapter has been brought to you by jawbreakers and raspberry muffins.