The next morning Kanda had left on another mission. He had left in the early morning, some time before Rabi had gotten up.
Rabi sat in the dining hall, in a table in the corner and sulked, not eating his food. He had a determined look of annoyance set in his face.
'We didn't even have a day together! I finally got up the courage to tell him how I feel,' Rabi thought. The part he left out was that it was Kanda, not himself who got the courage first, but that wasn't helping Rabi's case so he chose to forget that part for now. 'And he goes and leaves the next day! I'm so insulted' he made a face like he had just eaten a lemon.
'...or I try to be.'
No,no, shut up!
'I'm scared really. If bookman found out, who knows what could happen…'
Stop it! Don't think like that. There's nothing to 'find out' 'Just pass it off as lust, stupid! Kandas hot, Bookman would believe it if I said 'just lust'.'
'But…that's cruel. To both myself and him..."
'It is not! He said himself he doesn't want me. And its lust! So it's not cruel, it's the truth.'
'What happened to 'is it ok if it means a little more to me?'?'
'Nothing happened to it! It's there. Lust is more than just needing something. It's a form of wanting, just wanting his body rather than his love."
'That's…horrible. How could I do that to someone!?'
"Rabi? What's wrong!?"
Rabi snapped his eyes open. Had he fallen asleep? He had no idea, but he was sure glad whatever it was was over. He pulled his hands away from his face and looked up to see Linali leaning over him, along with about half the Order. He was…shaking? He looked down at his hands; he couldn't keep them still no matter how hard he tried. And water on the table too? No, he ran a hand over his cheeks, he had been crying?
"Rabi, are you ok? What's wrong?!" Linali asked again.
"huh?" he looked up at her again , then realized, he had been seen crying by half the Order. So, within the next twenty minutes the whole Order will have heard of it. "yeah, yeah, I'm fine! I don't know what happened really." He got up from the table and started to walk as quickly as he could, without breaking out into a run, away. He wasn't sure where he was headed but just about anywhere would be batter then here.
"Well" he said once he had run, he had failed at not, out of the dining hall and was now walking the hall way that led to the baths. "I guess I have no reputation anymore." He laughed. He passed the door to the bath. Why not take one so long as he was here? Once he was in the bath room he decided on a shower instead. He had work to do with bookman. Though he didn't see why he ever bothered if he was such a failure as bookman said he was.
"Oh, that's right," He said as he turned on the hot water in the shower. "If I've already broken most of the rules why not break the last one?" he grinned. "It couldn't bring anything bad! Besides, he owes me for being away on some stupid mission on my birthday." He grabbed the shampoo from the shelf in the shower. "He can help me break the last rule." He grinned even bigger this time, and then laughed. "It sounds so dirty like that." he smirked.
Rabi was glad Kandas mission was only three days but it was still one day too long. The day before he came back was Rabi's birthday. All the other times Kanda had been away on his birthday, which was all but one, Rabi had been rather angry at him once he got back. It seemed like he planned it so he wasn't there every year…. But his time Rabi wasn't mad at all. Part of him was glad he had an extra day to get himself ready for once Kanda was back.
He couldn't believe it took him eight years just to find out what it was about Kanda. He laughed.
Rabi walked through the overly huge doors leading outside to the snow covered land. He smiled once he was out. It had been so long since he had been outside. It was nice today, too. Or nice to Rabi, to everyone it was far too cold to be outside. Rabi ran right into the middle of the grounds then spun around a few times, got dizzy and fell over. He turned that fall into a rather failed attempt to make a snow angel, which was only half finished when he got tired of it. He was still, staring up at the clouded sky, watching the snow fall. He smiled slightly. It was just like the first time he saw snow in real life. He had heard about it before then, of course, but never seen it. It was when he first got to the Order. He'd just plopped down in the snow and lay there for hours. Just like now. Then tiny, ten year old Kanda came out and looked at him like he was an idiot.
"Just like he does now" Rabi giggled. Thinking back on it that was the first time he met Kanda. Little Rabi had proceeded to smile at Kanda, jump up, grab his hands and pull him down into the snow with him. Little Kanda had then hit him and stormed off into the Order once more.
And now that Rabi was remembering, Kanda really had been tiny for a ten year old. Rabi had towered over him; it used to make Kanda so mad.
It was nicer back then, Rabi thought. No 'I'll kill you!'s from Kanda, no missions, and Kanda had been happier back then, too. Though still very much the grumpy Kanda he was to the day. "But you used to smile, Yuu-chan…" Rabi was immensely thankful for his amazing memory at times like this; he could still remember Kandas smile. It was imposable to put that same emotion on the older version but little Kanda was good enough…for now.
"Rabi!! Get back in now!" bookman yelled from the door.
