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Chapter 7

Gillian yawned as she crawled out of her bed. It was still Sunday morning. At least she had gotten a 90 minute rest from the long night with Cal. And that hadn't been a night she'd fantasized about… She opened her door and made her way downstairs to see how Cal was doing. Maybe his headache had become less if he'd rested.

'So, you want them sweet…' Cal mumbled as Gillian came down the stairs.

She narrowed her eyes as she saw how Cal was lying on her couch with a glass of whiskey in his hand.

'Your men.' He mentioned. Like she had been in the room all along. Like they were having a conversation in his mind before she even came here in real life.

'What… Are you doing?' She asked surprised and slowly as she looked at the bottle of whiskey on her table.

'Or MAN… You would never take more than two at the time would you?' He asked as he took a swig of the glass and ignored her questioning look and questions.

Gillian's mouth fell open. 'Are you drinking?' She asked with anger in her tone and astonishment. She felt her good mood fall instantly.

Cal looked at the glass in his hands and then looked back up at her. 'Seems like it.' He gave her a cold, steely look.

'After all you've went through tonight?' She asked incredulous. She felt a lump forming in her throat.

'You mean after all you went through tonight?' He asked as he eyed her up and down.

Gillian knew that tone of his. That look. He was pushing her. She could read it right off his face. Of the cocky state he was in. And he was drunk. Again. Although he probably acted more drunk then he was. She didn't know why.

'Alcohol helps with the headache.'

'Yes. The downside is that you have to drink it every day for that….' She felt angry. But she wouldn't show that anymore to him. Although he could probably read it off her face. 'What are you doing?' Gillian asked as she shook her head tiredly.

'Nothin'. What does it look like?' He stated lazily as he eyed her up and down.

Gillian studied him. 'It looks like you're wallowing in self-pity. Or drinking your feelings away.' She said in a stern, confronting tone as she eyed him too with a cold gaze. As cold as she could muster. Yes she was angry. But she was also worried. She knew what his self-destructing side could do. How he could hurt himself. And how good he was at lashing out.

'O yeah? And which feelings might that be?' Cal dared interested with a sarcastic undertone in his voice as he was suddenly standing close to her after getting up quickly.

Not that drunk after all. Gillian concluded as she saw his still controlled movements.

'I'm not going to play this game that you're trying to start. You're just searching for a reason to lash out and push me away.' She said as she tilted her chin defiantly as her eyes were trying to read him.

'Ahhh… There's the shrink. And it was just getting interesting.' He said mockingly as he invaded her space and his eyes went from her left eye to her right eye.

'What is this Cal? Why are you lashing out?'

'Why don't you tell me.' He answered as he stared coldly at her.

Gillian sighed. 'Self-pity?' She asked in a professional tone as if she was talking to a patient.

'What else have you got?' Cal asked as he walked back and filled his glass with more whiskey.

'Well… I was wrong.' Gillian concluded as she watched his every move. 'It's not self-pity, is it?' She asked as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and read his face. 'It's self-hate. Disgust even.' She swallowed as she saw a flash of anger on his face. He didn't like that she could read him like that. But she knew him. She knew him better then he probably gave her credit for.

'Yeah? What else are you reading off me?' He said with an angry undertone as he took a few steps towards her and was invading her space again.

She took a step back. 'You're pushing.' She warned him. She tried to shield herself for him. She tried to put up her walls, to not get hurt.

'I'm not pushing.' He said as he stepped towards her again. 'You're the one stepping back.' He noted.

Gillian put her hand on his chest and pushed him back slowly out of her personal space. 'Don't put your shit on me Cal. Don't do this. Go and get your anger out another way.' Gillian warned in a calm tone. 'Please, just go and rest. Don't…' Self-destruct, she wanted to say. But did he even listen to her when he was in a mood like this? He never did… She couldn't stop him… Yes, she was there to pick up the pieces, but she could never prevent the awful things from happening in the first place.

'I just don't feel like it.' Cal said bluntly as he looked her right in her eyes. Pushing her even more.

'You're acting like a petulant child.' Gillian said honestly. 'You don't get what you want and then you self-destruct? Is that the way you want to go again? Because it's making me tired. Really tired.'

'Then leave me alone.'

'We already had this conversation. Maybe if you'd stopped drinking I wouldn't have to repeat myself.' She suddenly snapped impatiently. She read him. 'Just man up.' She snapped as she bared her teeth at him. She hated that side of him. She hated it because she couldn't go up against it. She had done it so often and she never won. He only came out hurt. And she didn't want him hurt.

'You're not a child anymore. You-'

'-What did you say?' He asked in a slow and dangerously low voice. It was almost an angry whisper.

She realized that she'd been playing his game anyway, while she didn't want that. And that now she'd given him something; the thing he'd been searching for since she had come down the stairs. The thing was… She never knew what that thing was that he could hold onto, to lash out.

You know that feeling you get, when something just happened: in a matter of seconds; it was something you did or said, and it felt like a breaking point, it felt like your heart froze over and your body followed in only a second, it was as if time stood still and you braced yourself for the consequences of that one action you just did? That's how she felt right now. Her mouth fell open slightly and her breathing had almost stopped.

'I think you heard me.' Gillian said as she took a step towards him this time. Their noses were almost touching. She could count her own heartbeat from the fear she was feeling inside. She knew that he'd never physically hurt her. But words hurt too… Maybe just as much. Or maybe even more?

'I said-' She began slowly as she bared her teeth and grabbed the glass out of his hand and put it down with a loud cling on the table. '-Man up.' She snapped. She'd put some distance between them and was happy with that. She had used the excuse of putting the glass away.

'Yes, I'll take that advice.' He suddenly said lightly. 'Finally some good advice out of you.' He mumbled quickly as he was in no time in her space again.

Her mouth fell open in surprise as Cal grabbed her tank top and pulled her flush against him in less than a second. Before she even registered what was happening his lips crushed hard against hers and he kissed her hard and aggressively and then let go of her. She almost lost her balance when he let go of her so suddenly and roughly. Gillian was so shocked and flushed that all she could do was stare at him. His hand wiped off his lips as he eyed her angrily. It was like her mind had stopped thinking and all she could feel was things she didn't want to allow right now because she was angry with him.

'Was that enough manning up for you?' Cal snapped. 'Or should I shag you on the floor right here?' He dared her. He was sure that would shock her. Make that pretty red flush come up from her neck, and travel towards her cheeks. Make her shy. And vulnerable.

Gillian narrowed her eyes. He'd never pushed it that far. She knew what he was doing. She recognized the pattern he was following: He wanted to shock her. Also to push her away. She knew he thought that she was innocent and clean. But she wasn't shocked that easily.

'Really Cal?' She said with a mocking smile as she steadied herself inwardly. 'Is that all that you have in you?' She asked as she took a small step towards him. 'Just an aggressive kiss like that?' Her eyes flew to his eyes and to his lips as she shrugged carelessly. 'That's all you can do, isn't it?' her eyes went to his lips. 'That's all you have to offer, isn't it?' Her eyes went from his lips to his eyes.

'Because you're afraid.' She confronted him and she knew she was on vulnerable ground now. Very vulnerable ground. But she was fed up with his behavior and now he could get her opinion right in his face. She'd had enough.

'Careful Gillian.' Cal hissed warningly. 'Watch what you're saying.' He'd just was about to show her what he had in him, and what he could do to her and with her, if she didn't stop daring him.

'Kiss me again. But then with passion. In a sweet way.' She said.

He made no effort to hide his anger now. 'I won't stop if you're offerin'' He lied in a dangerous tone to get her to back down.

Before he could push away his feelings she saw surprise. And there it was: fear. He looked at her lips then at her eyes. He hadn't expected that. And she knew it. For the first time in many months Cal Lightman was taken aback. She'd had many opportunities before to get back at him. But she never had. It had never been her intention. But now, he deserved it. She thought.

'Come on Cal. With passion. You said you love me. Why don't you show me?' She dared him in a sultry voice as she moved closer to him. She could still hear her heart pounding in her throat and she couldn't breathe very well. By god she was taking a risk. Because if he would she'd be afraid too… But she was for 90 per cent sure that he wouldn't, because he couldn't, and she was counting on that…

O! He would! He would kiss her senseless. Because that's what he always wanted to do. Show her how he cared, show her how he loved her, how he wanted her so bad. Cal's lip twitched and he wanted to move his feet to step towards her and close the gap. He'd kiss her breathless. His throat constricted and became dry. He couldn't breathe no more. He heard his heart thudding hard all of sudden.

'Why don't you?' Gillian pushed him daringly as her eyes fired something defiant at him when he didn't move for half a minute, it seemed like half an hour.

She was daring still daring him. She had managed to turn the rolls around. He was well aware of that. His legs started to tremble. She had him trembling like a sad mess or bloody puddle right in front of her. The man that took on criminals, stood in front of a gun to protect her; turned into nothing when it came down to being really intimate with Gillian Foster. The fear of rejection was just too awful to bear for him. Ow, how he had fantasized about this moment, when she would finally let him kiss her. And now, when the moment was finally there after all these years, it was like he was frozen, couldn't move.

'You can't, can you?' Gillian concluded in a flat professional sounding voice. 'You can't push me on that floor and 'shag' me as you call it, or make love to me even.' She said as she pointed at the floor with her finger. She felt save enough now to dare him on all the things he'd just thrown at her in a futile effort to shock her. 'It would be too close for you... Too real.' She whispered sadly as she stared at him. She thought of all the woman he'd flirted with and he'd slept with. Ow, how easy that had gone for him. It made more anger rush through her. 'I was right all along wasn't I?' She asked angrily.

She saw a question in his eyes.

'You can only fuck or shag, can you?' Gillian stated. She instantly regretted those words. They were mean. And probably not true. She knew he was a man of passion. She knew he could love, probably very deeply. He just didn't show it. Not often. This wasn't honest of her. She'd done it on purpose. To get back at him. And she felt ashamed at that instantly as she took a small step back to give him space. Funny wasn't it? She'd let him hurt her and push her, but the moment she did it back –which she probably was very good at if she wanted too- she regretted it instantly. She was just too damn sweet. Wasn't that what he'd said before? That she was too sweet for him. Was this what he had meant? Zoe would have probably screamed or slapped. That was something he was probably used too. She swallowed. While she realised again that she just said something like that to her friend.

Cal couldn't keep it in anymore and stepped back. He uttered an angry groan as he slammed his fist against the wall while he went for her door.

'Cal!' She called after him in shock. Great. Now she had done it. 'Cal! Stop!' Gillian screamed when she followed him quickly through her opened door. She wanted to say that she was sorry. She'd pushed him too far. Because for all of the pushing he ever did. She knew exactly how to push his buttons. But she never did. She cared about him. So much.

'Cal! Wait!' She called but he was meters away already. And her foot hurt as she stepped on something sharp.

Pain spread through her chest and feelings of guilt spread through her as she wiped a small stone away from the skin under her foot.

'Cal!' She shouted after his disappearing figure. 'You don't have your car!' Maybe that would make him stop and turn around?

Two elderly people stopped walking and stared at her and her pajamas. The woman made an annoyed sound. 'The way this neighborhood is going down…' She said negatively.

Gillian sighed annoyed and sad. 'Great.' To be scolded by two elderly persons. It's not like she was screaming in her pj's every week. She walked back to her door. 'O no…. No no no no…' She begged with wide eyes as she saw that her door was closed. She pushed at it hard but the door didn't butch. She blurted out a frustrated and hurt moan as she let her body fall against the hard wood. And she had NO key. She sighed and shuddered. Tears welled up in her eyes as she lowered herself on her front step slowly. She buried her face in her hands. Her hair falling in front of her face.

Gillian knew exactly how this worked with him. That's why she had been there for him every time. Although he sometimes treated her badly and lashed out at her. He was a good man. He was one of the sweet men. He didn't show it. That was the problem. He had made this rough exterior. And it wasn't to seem strong or look cool. It was to keep people away. Out of fear. For self-protection. It was safer that way wasn't it? At least… That was what he probably thought…

And how else could he? In ways she could see the child in him. The boy that had been hurt, hit and had been in danger every day as a child. It's something children took with them. It didn't go away through-out the years. Gillian didn't believe that. Children survived by learning themselves patterns. And when they grew up into adults, they still had those patterns. But the patterns would only suffocate them now and bring trouble. They wouldn't help anymore. Cal had taught himself to push. Push away, that is safer then to get hurt and be pushed away. But that way, no one ever came close. Not really close.

And she knew a few of her own patterns too; If he would have kissed her in a sweet way, just like she had told him too, she'd be afraid. Well, she already was afraid moments ago. But if he'd done what she had told him too, she'd probably stand trembling on her legs. She too was afraid to lose something good. Better hold on to what you have then lose it. Better hold on to safety then to take a leap into the unknown where so many bad things could happen. She was the thinker. He was the do-er.

She thought things through. He acted on impulse. He riled people up, she calmed them down. He called her clean, and probably saw himself as unclean.

Maybe this was for the best. Keep him away. Not over the line. She had made the line for reasons. But then she remembered the feeling that came up when he had grabbed her and kissed her hard. So hard and aggressive that it had almost hurt. So cold… She didn't like cold. Not really. She could like hard; yes of course she could like that sometimes. Variation was good. But why hadn't it felt bad? It hadn't felt so bad at all.. She didn't like COLD. Not at all. Cold and distant. And still… It hadn't felt bad. How was that possible? It had felt- Yes, she was shocked. Because he had never crossed that line. Sometimes she had wanted him to, but not now. Not in the angry state he was. But he did. And she… She swallowed… She…. She didn't want to even think it…. She had enjoyed it. She closed her eyes in denial. Her tears were dry on her cheeks now.

There… There it was. The nagging voice she didn't want to listen to had enjoyed it. Of course she was attracted to him. She loved his rough power, his intelligence, he was funny and original. He knew her, could read her –to her dismay many times-, she loved feeling him against her. Hugging him. Touching him. She hated it when other woman got to touch him like that. And even more, in ways she never had. They slept with him. She'd never go over that line. And still, she hated them. Wallowski. How easy it was for her to sleep with him. How easily he slept with them. It never once came up in him to… To see her? To try something with her? Her throat became dry.

"I couldn't even get near you when you were on the rebound." He had once said. Had that been a game to him? Fun? Or had he meant it serious?

"Maybe you didn't try hard enough." She had answered. Had she meant that? Really? Or was it just something to push him away. But to keep the door open just a bit… Just a little bit… To not fully push him away?

But what about the times that they were both single? He didn't even look at her then. When they were in Vegas. With Poppy. All he did was push her away. Yes, it had hurt. But she hadn't admitted that to him. Or to herself. Of course not. She was professional. She had her line. It wasn't only way to keep him in check and to protect herself. It was to keep herself in check too. Because sometimes… She just wanted to grab him and kiss him senseless. Rip his clothes off and do all sorts of things to him and with him. And not just sweet, but also rough and hard. She was a touchy feely woman. That didn't only go as far as her caring part, and the cuddling. When she was with a man she wanted to feel everything, wanted to try everything. Probably not so innocent and clean as Cal told her she was. She hated that he underestimated her so many times. That he didn't see her for what she really could do, or for what she really was. Maybe that was his way of keeping distance too?

Gillian touched her lips. She remembered his fist colliding with the wall. She had pushed him too far. She should have known better, she thought as she moved her finger over the concrete of her porch. She didn't know what else there was to say. He needed to cool off probably. But she felt so worried. They'd never had such an intense falling out as now. It made the pit of her stomach grow as cold as ice. Fresh tears watered her eyes again.

She jerked her head back when something white was suddenly almost touching her face, so close.

'Here you are sweety.' An old voice came.

Gillian looked up and got the white cup with something hot pushed in her hand now.

'I was just making myself tea and saw you in front of your home.' The elderly woman that lived next to her for half a year now, said as she sat herself down next to Gillian with a groan.

'Drink your tea. It'll do you good.' She said as Gillian stared in the hot steaming mug.

Gillian felt ashamed. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. Not to mention that she was still almost wearing nothing. She felt utterly vulnerable. And also quite stupid at the moment.

'So he just ran off yes?' Martha asked and then sighed deep. 'Oh well… And there I was hoping for a spectacular romantic view right in front of my kitchen window.' Her old face grinned sweetly as she looked at Gillian. 'You kissing that young lad and making up.' Martha explained when she looked at Gillian's sad face.

Martha shook her head as she studied the younger woman next to her. 'But here you are.. Crying and sad, and in your pj's with bare feet and no key.'

'O no, we're not…' Gillian tried to form her come back but her voice sounded weak and groggy from the crying. 'It's not like that.' She explained quickly in a more steady voice now as she looked at the white hair of Martha. She had tied her beautiful white hair neatly in a bun. And her eyes were brown and warm.

Gillian didn't want to talk to her right now (or to anyone), or drink tea outside in her pajamas with no key, but somehow, it felt good to not have a conversation with herself in her head for just a few moments…

'No, not today obviously..' Martha sighed disappointed. 'I heard you fight.' Martha explained.

Gillian looked up at her in shock. She hadn't heard everything had she? Had they been that loud? A blush crept up her cheeks.

'Now now, calm down. I'm an old lady but I don't eavesdrop. But I'm not that deaf yet either. It's hard not to hear you two shouting. He's got a big mouth that one. And British I heard!'

Gillian took a sip of her warm tea. 'Yes, he has got a big mouth.' She agreed.

'O girly, if you only knew how much Herb and I fought in the beginning.' Martha shook her head. 'He was a doctor and I was a nurse. It took us a long time too.' She sighed in thought. 'But then when we finally were together we always made up in the bedroom. Or somewhere else, if you know what I mean..'

'Uhm…' Gillian muttered as she swallowed her tea just too quickly and burned her tongue. She really didn't want to think or hear about very old people doing that in detail… It was strange: like you really didn't want to hear that from your parents. And she didn't want Martha to think that Cal and she would- It wasn't like that. Yet… Not now, or ever.. Maybe? They wouldn't… He wouldn't…

'Yes, us 85 year old woman have had sex in our life time too you know.'

Gillian grinned. Martha could always make her laugh. 'I know.' She mumbled. She felt the hot mug in her hands warm her a bit.

'If only I had that body of yours, I'd know what to do with it. I'd grab that lad by his hair and pull him back inside of that nice townhouse of yours. I'd have myself a wonderful Sunday afternoon.'

'Martha… It's really not like that.' Gillian said quickly as she shook her head.

'Yes yes….' Martha muttered disappointed again. 'I heard you before. Only a woman like me can use her deafness in a good way: we hear whatever we want to hear.'

Gillian chuckled and shook her head softly.

'Why is it not like that dearie? He's in your home every week. And when you come to borrow me your nice romantic novels you've got a glint in your eyes and you look so happy. I can always see when he's been to your place.'

Gillian felt her neck flush red now too…. Great. 'I get that glint too when I do other things, I'm told.' Gillian protested quickly.

'O sweety, that's not the same glint….' Martha said as she shook her head quickly. 'I've seen so many people in my lifetime. So much drama and hurt. You think you've got time while really you don't. Sadly enough, you'll finally see that when you're about my age. And then it might be too late.' Martha turned more towards Gillian and squeezed her upper arm. 'Make sure that it won't be too late for you. That would be awful.' She let go of her arm. 'And sad.' She mumbled.

'We have a company together. He- He lashes out so many times.' Gillian told her as she stared at her toes.

'Yes that's what they do. The troubled ones.' Martha sighed. As if she understood and knew. She seemed like a very wise woman.

Gillian looked up at Martha and tried to read her.

'You think I didn't know? I can spot them from a mile away. They're not the superficial guys. They're the deep ones. They'll give their life for you. They know misery and pain, hurt. But they have a good heart. Well, not all of them, sadly enough…. My Herb did. He had a good heart under that big mouth of his. And that mouth got less big the more he got to know me. And your Cal has a big heart like that too. I saw it in his eyes.'

'You saw him?' Gillian asked surprised.

'Yes. One evening, I was out walking my dog and I talked to that nice lad in front of your door. He's a passionate one that one. Full of energy….. And anger.'

'I know. And I know that the anger isn't meant for me most of the time. Not all of it.' Gillian trusted in Martha.

'What would you tell your patients when they were in your shoes?' Martha looked at Gillian's bare feet. 'Or bare feet?'

Gillian smiled as she eyed Martha.

'Right! You would tell them to follow their heart.' Martha said before Gillian had a chance to answer.

'I didn't answer yet..' Gillian said cheekily.

'You listen to me Gillian-dear. They follow their heart. So don't follow that head of yours with that big brain in there. God knows that grey mass of yours already gets enough training as it is now. Or overtraining.'

Gillian just stared at her. Deep in thought. A deep frown settled between her brows.

'If I see that deep cringe between your brows getting any deeper I will come and shout at you. Do you hear me young lady?'

'You can't just follow your heart just like that.' Gillian countered.

'Why not?'

Gillian shrugged. 'It get's you hurt.' She said softly as she looked away.

'Oooo girly. You young people. Hurt hurt hurt. You're all afraid of it. And so was I. What about the pleasure and love it'll give you? We always think about the bad things it'll bring. Not about the good ones. Haven't you already seen him at his worst?'

'I don't know. He keeps surprising me I guess.' Gillian answered as she thought about that. She thought she had…. But who knew? Could it get even worse?

'Give those new novels you bought to me and go follow your real life romance. At least you can. It's too late for me. No one would be as good as Herb was anyway.' She sighed.

'It's complicated.' Gillian countered tiredly.

'Yes, it always is.' Martha said as she looked at her watch. 'I don't have a lot of time. We old woman are very busy nowadays. You come into my house quickly and eat my cookies. And when you've put some sense into the lad you come and show him to me so we can eat cookies together.' Martha grabbed Gillian's arm and dragged her up. 'But first we'll break into your home.'

'I promise when I ever start a relationship again, I'll come and show him.' Gillian said as she smirked. There was no getting away from Martha anyway. And she enjoyed her company.

'You do that.' Martha said as she dragged Gillian in her hallway. 'I have my granddaughter coming to see me in just over an hour, so we must hurry… You make sure to give me some real romance to feed off. And I want DETAILS, yes? Because sometimes I'm really bored. And an old woman loves to see some real romance right in front of her with them fresh young people.' Martha said as they came into the kitchen now.

Gillian laughed. 'I don't share details with anyone.' Martha was so good at making jokes while she acted as if she was serious.

'O, I'll get them out of you. It'll only take a few of these won't it?' Martha said as she offered a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

'Maybe….' Gillian mumbled cheekily. 'I just hope things will go back to normal.'

'What is normal?' Martha questioned wisely.

'You're getting too much out of me. You should come and work with us. You're a star in getting people to tell you what they don't want.' Gillian told her.

'I know sweetie.' Martha said cheekily as she smiled. 'Now you get that ladder and climb over our wall and freshen yourself up now yes?'

'And remember- keep me informed.'

'That's not going to happen.' Gillian reminded her as she grinned. 'But I'll bring you my new novel when I've finished it.

'You do that sweetie. You do that.'

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Hope you liked it. I know... They are still fighting... But I think it wouldn't be that easy in the tv show either... There are so many issues and fears between them... What did you think? I just wanted someone to be there for Gillian. We always saw Emily for Cal, so I made Martha for Gillian. :)