Happy Day After Halloween, everyone! I just write this as it comes to me, and it's been coming pretty quickly. I hardly ever just sit on a chapter, either. It pretty much goes up as soon as I'm done. Anyway, I guess this chapter is a little bit more "M" than others, so I wanted to warn about that. Also, I almost did the whole thing from April's POV but then decided not to. I structured it a little differently though, so there's a lot more of April's POV in here than any other chapter. Also, I got this question I really wanted to clear up! April had Postpartum Depression/a psychotic episode and issues that will come up. They are complicated. But she loves every single one of her children, equally but for different reasons. Tenley is just the most like her so they've always been very close.
"I want to see my babies."
"No." I said, arms crossed, my back against the arm of the couch furthest from her.
"Dr. Craven said I could. He said I was ready one at a time and…"
"No."
"Jackson, I didn't smash the camera. I ruined the tapes. The two tapes. Not Harper's surgeries, I swear. She was confused or something…she's a little girl. I didn't break the camera."
"Guys, what's wrong? Monday and Wednesday you made such progress. It's Tenley's day with Jackson so we're meeting early and I thought we would maybe end early so…" Dr. Craven sat in his chair, looking perplexed.
"He's mad at me because that night, I smashed a tape of Arabella's graduation show and…" I gave her the look. The one that said to shut up. I didn't use it as a threat, exactly, just to let her know I'd rather she be quiet. She usually listened. She was a traditionalist when it came to the vow she took to "obey" me, even though I told her I thought that was ridiculous.
"Alright, let's back up, what started this?"
"Last night, during our talk. He told me he was mad because I ruined Arabella's graduation tape."
"And, did you follow the rules we set up for the calls?"
"Kind of. I mean, I didn't ask questions about that. I told him about my day and he told me about his but…"
"But…"
"But I hung up early, I was upset. I didn't stay on for 15 minutes." I rolled my eyes.
"And now he doesn't want me to see the girls yet, doctor, he's not being fair." She started crying, but I was out of sympathy, today.
"How did you find out she smashed the tapes, Jackson?"
"My daughter told me."
"And why did that make you so angry?"
"Because now I don't know when she snapped. Smashing those tapes seems pretty intentional to me."
"You guys keep saying tapes, there's two?"
April looked to me for help, but I wasn't going to give it. If she was going to go there, she was going alone. "The night before I…We had a fight about Bellie's graduation show and then we…he got out his video camera to show me how to use it and we had sex and we…we made a tape…" I put my head in my hands. I couldn't believe she went there.
"Alright, so there's a lot going on here. April, why don't you start at the beginning, start from the fight and tell us what you were feeling as best you can, through all of it, April."
"He came home, and I reminded him about Bellie's graduation show, but he'd forgotten and it was his 'surgery day', " She huffed and put "surgery day" in air quotes, but told her story.
"I can't April, I have surgeries scheduled."
"Jackson, this is why I told you two months ago. Two months. I was pregnant when I asked you to take off."
"I'm sorry, babe. I forgot."
"Or you just don't care."
"Hey, don't make me feel like a bad dad. I wish I could babe, really."
"Oh 'cause wishing makes you a good dad."
"April, Love!"
"Don't try to make me feel bad to excuse yourself. What makes you a good dad?""
"I provide for my family and I love my children and I'm there. I'm there for them."
"There for them? You know what Bellie's going to ask me tomorrow? She's going to say 'Where's my daddy, he's my best friend.' What am I supposed to say to that? 'Oh, he's there for you, baby. He's making a rich bitch's ass smaller. But he's there for you.' Jackson, this is the first time I'm taking the baby out. You were supposed to help.
"Babe. I'm sorry. You're super mom, you'll do it."
"Jackson, just because you make the money doesn't mean you get a pass."
"That's a low blow April…come on," he held me. He tried to hold me and whisper in my ear. I pulled away.
"No. No. FUCK YOU. Fuck you. You don't get to hold me and whisper to make it better tonight."
I ran into my room, threw my head into a pillow, and cried. But he came to me, 15 minutes later, with the camera in his hand. "Hey babe. Babe, I hear you. I hear you and I found something to help us out, just for this one time. Then the next recital, I'm there right next to you, throwing roses on to the stage." I didn't tell him that I cancelled dance classes.
"You cancelled their dance lessons? But they love that, why?"
"Don't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I could to raise four kids and keep myself sane. I know I failed, Jackson, But I was trying."
"Go on, April, finish your story."
"What's that?"
"Well see, in the old days, like the 90s, they had these things called video cameras…you put tapes in them to record hours and hours of memories. You weren't the mercy of a cell phone's battery life."
"Ha. Ha. Ha." I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and he kissed me.
"Babe, I'm sorry. I'll do better. I'll be better from now on. But for tomorrow, can I just teach you how to use this so I don't miss one second? And then, I'll be better, I swear."
"Oh, you're gonna teach me, huh?"
"Yeah, babe, I'm gonna teach you how to do close ups on all the pretty faces," he zoomed in on my face and I blushed, placing my palm over it. "And zoom out so I can see the scenery." He zoomed out and I knew my entire body was in his viewfinder right at that moment.
"Babe, stop! You're being so cheesy right now."
"It's a new tape, babe. I think you should show me how you use the toys I bought you for when I'm away on business trips…"
"STOP!" STOP. We made a sex tape….that's our business, plus it's destroyed now so it doesn't even matter."
"Does it matter to you, April?" the doctor asked her, concerned. "Does what was on that tape matter to you?" She nodded, and then gasped, surprised at her own reaction.
"I don't use those babe. I only want you to make me come. No one else. Nothing else."
"Mmmm…that's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me, April…Are you ready? Are you ready to come again? I'll be right here, watching. Show me. I want you to show me what you would do if I was gone and you just couldn't contain yourself."
"So, this was your first time after the baby?" She nodded and the doctor motioned for her to continue.
"So I did it. I let him film me while I…even though I don't believe that anything should make me…Except him…"
"Wait, wait. Stop! Don't make this seem like it wasn't consensual, like I raped you or something…Like you weren't enjoying everything we did on that…"
"I did. I was. But that doesn't mean…it felt…"
"Oh and what usually happens when it doesn't feel right? When you TELL me you want to stop? Do you think I would force you to give me a blowjob while I filmed you if you weren't smiling all the way through it?"
"Jackson, that doesn't mean I…Sometimes I do things to make you…and I like them and I want to but sometimes, the main reason I do things in bed is to please you…And that's my choice, but…"
"I can't sit here and listen to this much longer. All she had to do, any time she felt that way was say no…I can't listen to her essentially accuse me of abuse or whatever, throughout our whole marriage when she never said no…"
She started to cry again. "I wasn't accusing you of abuse I…"
"Alright, April. Just tell the story. Just get the story out."
So we made the tape and, even though I was uncomfortable at first, I liked it after awhile it was fun and I felt proud of myself that even after four kids he wanted me…
"Why do you think we have four babies under five in the first place? Not because I find you repulsive…"
"Jackson, now you are just being hurtful for the sake of it…Go on, April."
And I fell asleep thinking he would try, from that point forward. And also worried I might be pregnant because we didn't use...
"Oh God, what if I'm…"
"We'll take your blood and worry about it then, if we need to, right? One step at a time, April."
And so…I woke up fragile but hopeful and then he…he wasn't in bed, or at home, and he didn't leave a note or a flower or…
"I forgot, Love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forgot."
"He always leaves me a note or a flower or he's in bed next to me or helping with the girls, after we have sex. I always hear his voice or know he's missing me or…He's never forgotten, in over five years…Never…"
"Alright, so you were a little extra shaken…"
But I called him, and I had my coffee. He didn't answer. I got the girls ready and even though Braelyn had a fit, we got through it.
We got to the show and we sat down and Tee and Brae were good, and the baby slept…and I was very comfortable using the video camera. But then it ended. And all the little girls ran to their daddies and they got flowers and hugs and I realized that I should've gotten her flowers, and told her they were from her dad.
But instead I said, "Mommy's sorry, baby. I forgot your flowers."
And our sweet diva said "That's OK, mom. I don't eben like them. They smell gross."
And then she looked around and saw her friend Anna with her daddy and she said "Where's my dad?" I told her and she nodded and sighed. And I wiped a tear from my eye before she could see it.
And I watched the dad's helping their kids with their coats and backpacks, and admiring art work and my girl, she said, "Mama, can we please go get pizza for a celebrate?'"
I thought about it. I really did. I wanted to say yes. But I had four car seats to load and unload and load again. And she always fought about the soda, always. And I didn't want them having any sugar that day, and I couldn't fight, and I started getting dizzy and overwhelmed and so I said "Not today, but me and Bellie and daddy will have a special pizza party soon, the three of us."
I knew it was a lie and my head was pounding, and I had to take deep breaths on the ride home, thinking of all the kids with their dad's celebrating at the pizza place. And the mom's with the help and…
"I'm starting to feel attacked here. I'm not against pizza parties. That can happen, still. And if I had known…"
"Damnit Jackson, just feel attacked for a few minutes and be quiet."
"I guess I'm not as good at quiet as you are."
"This story will get told in full, today. I have all day. Jackson, you don't." Dr. Craven really knew how to stare a man down.
And so I got home and my head was throbbing, but I changed the…
"Oh this is ridiculous, now…say her name. SAY IT! ASK FOR YOUR CHILDREN BY NAME AND MAYBE I'LL LET YOU SEE THEM!"
The baby. I fed her and changed her and put her in the carrier next to Bellie and I told them mommy had a headache…The next thing I remember is hearing the glass break…and I remember going to the video camera and taking out the tape of Bellie's show and I think before I left the room I took the other tape off of the bedside table…I remember that I just smashed the tapes and ripped the film out but then everything gets….I don't remember cleaning up the glass. And if you didn't see the destroyed tapes in the living room then Arabella must have…But I don't know. I don't remember…
She'd been holding it together to tell the story, but when it was over, she fell apart. She slid off of the couch and did the rocking back and forth thing and I knew I was expected to go to her but I just, didn't want to. I could've. I just didn't want to.
Dr. Craven eyed me, but I guess he considered me just staying a victory because he got on the floor with her. "Good job, April. Very good job acknowledging your baby girl, and explaining all the complicated emotions you felt after the fight and the sex and not having Jackson there at the show when he was all you and the girls wanted. Very good work."
I scoffed. "A week later, thanks so much."
"Jackson, I sat in our bed with your daughter, put her hand over mine and slid a piece of glass over my thighs multiple times as she watched and….this is what you're, you're madder about this?"
"Not madder…April…I don't even know. You can't even say your daughter's name. You knew all of that for a whole week and you've been acting like…" I felt my eyebrow twitch like it does when I'm stressed.
"I have not been acting! Don't you dare insinuate that…"
"Jackson, we've been doing a lot of hypnotherapy outside of couples sessions to help April access emotions and memories and confront behaviors so don't disregard her progress…"
"Great, just great…thanks for keeping me updated on all that progress."
"She's telling you in her own time and she's doing very well. So why don't we focus on you for a while, so you both feel comfortable with April seeing the children. That's what you want, yes?"
"Of course. Of course I want to feel comfortable with you seeing the kids, April. But you can't…you can't say her name." I looked at my feet.
"And before last night, before the video tapes came to your attention, you were fine with that? Even though she hadn't said the baby's name?"
"Yes but…"
"It's just his stupid pride. He's mad about the sex stuff."
I ignored her accusation. "That morning, after Braelyn's fit, did you call me?"
"No, what are you gonna do, when you're at work? Yell at your 17-month-old from the operating room?"
"When you wished I was there, at the school, when Bellie asked to have pizza did you call to see if I was on a lunch break?"
"Did you call your daughter to see how her show went on the lunch hour that you obviously had free if you're mad I didn't call you during it?"
"We've established that April doesn't ask for help, and you aren't the best at giving it if she doesn't ask. So, we're here, because of that. You're here with me. What else made you mad?"
"The sex thing. Made me a little mad." I mumbled, embarrassed to admit she was right. "It was good, she was having fun. After she got over the awkwardness, she was having fun. And then she comes in here and makes it sound like borderline rape."
"Have you ever done anything for April that made you feel uncomfortable?"
"Yes. Church. I take my family to church."
"You're taking them to church Sundays?" Her eyes softened and suddenly her hand was between us.
"No, no. I don't feel comfortable taking them alone." And the hand returned to the lap, just like that. "I'm the one parenting right now and…I feel like a break is good…But I…I pray with them every night. That's very uncomfortable. But, they're teaching me. I say it and everything."
"You say their prayers with them?" And there was the hand again.
"Yup. Yup. That's weird."
"Is it as weird now as it was the first time?"
"What? No. I guess, I guess not."
"What else, what else have you done for your wife, Jackson? I know we've been hard on you today, I know you've done a lot of things that felt uncomfortable to you, for your wife."
"Umm well…to get her in the first place, I had to stand up at her wedding to Matthew. That was awkward."
"Are you happy, though? Are you happy you stood up?"
"Of course. She gave me my family. She gave me everything when she took my hand and walked out of that church, without a word…without even too much hesitation. You gave me everything, April." I turned to her and brushed the hair out of her eyes, really looking at her for the first time that day.
"So, you understand, then…how something that feels uncomfortable at first can turn out to be amazing?"
"Yeah. I get it. I do. I get it."
"Jackson, all I meant was…It was weird for me at first and I don't know if I want to do that again. And we probably shouldn'tve been doing anything…"
I threw up my hands in frustration. "I hated it. I liked it. We should never have done it. Geez, make up your mind."
April bit her lip. "We…you use sex to avoid our issues. You totally just came in there with that video camera and your apologies and your sexy eyes and you had no intention of fixing anything. Of listening to me…"
"April, I really don't have time for this. I have reservations for something with Tee at 10 and…I really can't…honestly, this is a huge conversation I can't have with you right now."
April turned away from me, trying to hide the tears in her eyes. "OK, in all fairness our time is almost up and he did warn us, April. He is picking a very convenient time to leave but he is not walking away from it completely. We'll have this talk."
"Wait, but…"
"Oh, right. Jackson, the girls. I really think it'd be great for her to see them, soon. Supervised, of course. You will be there."
I stood up and walked toward thee door without a word. April ran after me, tears streaming down her face. "Jackson, please. Please don't leave me right now. Just tell me what I need to do. Please! Just tell me what I need to do to see my babies! Please!" She grabbed my wrist and begged me with her eyes.
"Say their names. Your daughters. What are their names?"
"What?" She whispered, looking down at the floor, hand still on my wrist.
"I can pull away, April. And I have to go, now."
"Arabella Catherine," she said it loud, almost screaming at me. "Tenley Justine." A little bit softer. "Braelyn Audrey." Softer, still. She looked down at the floor. Then up at me. And down again, and up, and down. And I ripped my wrist from her grip and took a step away before I heard her whisper, barely audibly, "Adalaide Reese."
I looked into her eyes and gave her a small nod, but walked out the door and to the elevator without a word. I was late for a date with my daughter.
