Count Magpyr (the old one that is) didn't particularly approve of so-called "modernity," especially in light of recent events with the newer count. But modernity is not the same thing as moving with the times and a century dead was nothing. Change was something that happened, not something you forced. Times were, more or less, the same everywhen.
"Gentlemen, please. Zis is a friendly visit;" the Count's tone made it clear that it could become very unfriendly very quickly indeed. "I am only here to make a few social calls."
"No bitin'?"
"He don't look the type Ivan. That's the old Count there. The one our grandparents knew. He don't need a ribbon and all."
The Count arched an eyebrow. "A ribbon?"
"Yeah. Temperance League. They get cards and everything."
The Count didn't say anything. He would have to ask Zolana about this.
Zolana Cross was a distant relative of the Count, but distance means very little in family lines. She was a younger vampire, but he had been very fond of her back in the day and sent off a letter shortly after waking up. She had changed little over the decades and was happy to give her uncle a tour of the city.
"Zis 'Temperance League' Zolana – tell me about it. It's nothing like vhat my son vas trying to bring about is it? The unspoken implication hung in the air: it had netter not be, or I shall have to do something about it.
"No uncle. He relied on… sacrifice." Zolana, like most of the family, looked upon the practice with distaste. "Ve give up blood altogether."
"But Zolana," the Count leaned forward. "You're a vampire."
"And a citizen," countered Zolana raising a finger. "Ve must abide by zer rules. It is only, ah, sporting after all."
"You think so?"
"Most of zem are simple prey," she flipped her dark hair. "No challenge at all. Ve could drain ze city if ve truly vanted to." But vhere's the fun in zat? Complete abstinence, now zat is a challenge."
"And zis... vhat do you call it? Blood drive?"
Zolana put a hand to her forehead. "It vas Igor's idea. For medicinal purposes. He asked us to test it for him. Really, it goes against everything the League stands for!"
"Zen how is it tested now?"
"I – I don't know."
The Count smiled and stood. "Zen perhaps I can be of assistance."
It was well known that while Igors made magnificent surgeons, they didn't always make the best doctors, preferring to cure a runny nose with a new nose altogether. Naturally, this created problems. Or would, but there was only one Igor in the city and he was working for the Watch and therefore under Commander Vimes who really didn't want a new set of fingers every time he got a papercut. He enlisted the help of Dr. Lawn to set some ground rules for Igor and before long the medical community as a whole saw leaps and bounds in the recovery rates of their patients. It was Igor who introduced new medicinal practices and techniques and even washed his hands before and after each surgery, urging others to do the same.
It was also Igor who decided to host Ankh-Morpork's first blood drive.
The mechanics of the drive could have been thought out better. While it would have been a wonderful idea to have the vampires testing the blood for infection and sorting it into the proper categories, the Temperance League stayed well away from sapient blood. The willpower to stay as far from the drive as possible was truly incredible.
The bartender at the Mended Drum saw his share of vampires. He'd never seen this many at once though.
"I tell you," Jonas Riddle thumped his glass loudly. "I tell you, people in this town will do anything for a few cookies."
"It's for a good cause Jonas." Juniper Lockhart was of a stronger will than most vampires; she'd only had six drinks so far.
"Zat doesn't mean ve have to like it. It's as if zey want us to go back to drinking… drinking… ze b-vord again. Right La- Lazarus?"
Lazarus was too busy under the table to answer Emma. The ceiling really was fascinating from this angle.
The Count was on his way to the blood drive. Zolana had opted to give very detailed directions rather than risk being near so much blood. The Count though, had no such reservations.
"Good evening Igor."
"Sir! Good to see you sir!" The Count was momentarily surprised by the lack of lisp, but brushed the matter aside.
"I understand you are in need of blood testers?" He smiled toothily.
"Oh sir! Good of you sir! Right this way please." Igor lumbered to a nearby door and beckoned the Count inside. The smell of ammonia pervaded the air. Igor was very insistent about hygiene.
"I must ask Igor, vhat do you do vith all zis blood?" The Count eyed the bags in the icebox Igor had opened.
"We give it to the patients sir, provided it's clean. It works wonders. All you need is a needle and some tubes. I don't imagine you're familiar with putting blood into things, but there it is."
"Vell zen," this was a most educational day. "Shall ve begin?
Zolana meanwhile, had finally given in and joined the others at the Drum.
"Really Zol- Zul- Zula? Your uncle went to the drive?" Jonas was swaying a little bit. Zolana sighed. You could tell they were thoroughly saturated with alcohol – they couldn't even speak properly.
"Zat is right. Since ze League members can't help, he thought zey might like a hand as it vere." Zolana took a sip from her glass.
"Better him than us at least right Emma?" Jonas blinked at the empty space next to him. "Emma? Where – ohhh…" Jonas slumped forward suddenly and hit the table so hard his fangs embedded in the wood. Finding Emma would have to wait until after his nap.
Emma had in fact joined Lazarus under the table. He was right – the ceiling really was fascinating from this angle.
Two days later the Count was on his way out of Ankh-Morpork. The blood drive had been a great success. Igor was thrilled with all the progress they were making. The Count for his part had been fortunate enough to meet several interesting figures in the city. The orangutan was one of the most polite individuals he had ever met. And of course he couldn't leave without meeting the man Margolatta admired so much. Truly, Lord Vetinari was every bit a devious as she claimed.
"We must talk another time Count. When we both have less on our schedule. Do feel free to visit our city again."
The Count arched an eyebrow. "Was that an invitation?"
Vetinari smiled. "Why, I believe it was."
Emma and Lazarus meanwhile returned to the Mended Drum and counted each and every ceiling tile before finally deciding there were in fact 628. Because you just can't let that sort of thing go.
A longer one for a change. This one took a while to write, but I had a lot of fun with it. I may do a follow-up; we can't leave that plot thread with Vetinari hanging :)
- SilverInkblot
