I sat down in my office chair and laid my head down on my desk scuffing my ropers, again. Exhausted. Emotionally drained. I am not built for this sorta thing. I think about Martha and how much I miss her. It doesn't hurt as bad and each day it gets a little easier to think about her. I wonder if I would want Vic if Martha was still alive? What a strange question to ask myself. I tell my brain not to go into that territory but it seems to do what it wants lately. It's like I have held on to my thoughts so long and so tight they are pushing their way out and overflowing into my consciousness. I can't hold them back anymore and they wander around going any direction they feel like.

Martha and I didn't have a perfect marriage but who does? Ours was pretty damn good. I lay there thinking how she gave up on me telling her how I felt. I think about Cady and how I almost ruined the best thing in my life because I just keep it in. It's what I do. It's what men are supposed to do. Well, men my age and of my generation. It's what makes me who I am. I don't want to be some sorta soft blithering emotional wreck. I know I am being dramatic but damn it. I'm mad. I'm mad at my longing and desire for someone I can't have and shouldn't want.

I'm mad because I can't control it.

Walt, ol' boy, this thing will ruin you if you let it.

I can't take back what I said and I am mostly mad about that. What kind of weak ass display was that? I never talk like that. Ever. I'm mad at myself for telling Vic all the things I felt inside having never said those things to my Martha. This girl has a hold on me that I didn't expect and don't necessarily want but it is there.

I can hear the clock ticking on my desk as I try to settle my mind wishing I could just disappear and erase the day. My mind quiets and begins to settle. As I begin to drift my mind wanders back around betraying me. I think of lying in Vic's arms and it feels good.

Damn it.