Author's Note: this was originally supposed to be an even longer chapter, containing the ShuuRen interaction, but I guess I got caught up with describing emotions and thoughts...and then there was something else I decided to add, so it just turned into a chapter completely dedicated to Renji, just like the previous one was completely Shuuhei's. You can call this chapter useless and whatever, I don't mind, since it does look like an extra, but... I believe it is necessary. And I don't exactly think that three hours of the time I could use for sleep were a total waste. XD Well, I hope they weren't...

I am not proud of this chapter, nor do I like it, because it was...let me say, not easy to write. Some of the emotions here are deep enough in a sense that they are hardest to convey... You don't have to believe me, but it's true. XD

...and now, I have nothing else to say except that I still think I have a huge problem writing from Renji's POV... *sigh*

Rant over.

Chapter Seven: Holding

The two bodies moved in sync against each other in their own dance, their own separate world. The air was hot, musky, an exotic scent surrounding the room. Exotic in its own way, especially to Renji, for to him, the smell of sex was different for every partner. And Byakuya proved it to him all the more.

Yes, this was definitely one of the things worth living for, was what the redhead concluded to himself ages ago. This was his personal ground, where he could let go and focus on the one person that truly mattered to him. This was his sanctuary, and he didn't give a damn if anyone misunderstood him for it, or found him a total pervert. It was a known fact he was into sex, that he was a sexual being... And if anyone had a problem with it, well then, it just means they didn't receive a good pounding up their ass, right?

For whatever the case, this was where Renji felt he belonged - in the arms of his lover, where he truly felt whole and most of all - important. He could go ahead and be himself and no one would dare say anything. His partner is the only one who existed to him right then and now.

At least, he was sure that has always been the case... Until his feelings were completely screwed, until he took a 180 degree turn in his preferences, relationships, everything. He was no longer sure who he wanted, what he or who he needed. As a matter of fact, he wasn't an idiot. He knew fully well if he kept playing at this, then he would end up alone. Yet, he couldn't... He just...

He had no clue what to do. And it was tearing him in half.

When he left Shuuhei, it was not on a silly impulse. No, he could never do something like that to the person he loved...especially if that same person loved him back. No, he did it because... His heart was honestly swept away. There was really nothing he could do about it. Back then, he was very decisive. And he was sure he was doing the right thing. Back then, he made the decision firmly, with no way of ever turning back. He did indeed fall in love with Byakuya. It was not a momentary feeling, at least, that was what he kept telling himself. And above all... He would never be able to live with the guilt of cheating on his partner. He could never lie to Shuuhei.

In the end, he broke up with Shuuhei and started dating Byakuya. He didn't, not at all, even spent a single second to hear what Hisagi had to say beyond those shocked and hurt eyes that he witnessed. He couldn't bear to meet the other since. You could say, he ran away from a problem... And the result was a major tragedy.

He ruined sempai. And he could never forgive himself for something like that.

And recently, his feelings for Shuuhei seemed to have returned. Were they the result of what happened in prison, before that? Seeing Shuuhei completely broken down because of him? Did his feelings return out of worry and...possible pity?

No... That could never be the case with Abarai Renji. Then...what could have possibly triggered his old feelings like that? He didn't have an answer.

All he knew was... He was running around in circles. And he needed to end it. But how? He had no clue... And that was the exact source of his confusion.

He couldn't say that he didn't still have feelings for Byakuya either and it just made things far messier.

But at the same time... He knew. Renji knew how smart his Taichou was, how he could see right through him. Renji was like an open book, after all. He wore his feelings on a sleeve.

And that was the reason a disaster could not be avoided. Renji was simply too honest for his own good.

And when it comes to sex, he can hardly control himself, let alone restrain. Kuchiki Byakuya knew that and he accepted the stray dog the way he was. Abarai was supposed to be at least a bit tamer. Renji knew fully well what Byakuya preferred and disliked in bed after all.

And yet...because of his confusion... He screwed up. Badly.

He showed a part that was supposed to be sealed away for three months, far deep into the abyss of his predatory soul...somewhere far away.

And yet... It came blowing out again. They had awakened.

It was a day off. Renji was spending time with his lover. They were in bed. They were having sex for fuck's sake. His Taichou was riding him as if his life depended on it. Hell...so hot, with his long, black hair falling into dark eyes, that flawless milky skin contrasting to his bronzed one beautifully, heavy breaths and pants filling the room.

It was hot... Too hot. And the fact they had the window closed didn't help at all. Kuchiki Byakuya said it was for privacy, and as a result they were sweatier than they would actually be. But it didn't matter, really...

Still, maybe the extra heat was what made Renji go savage. He didn't know himself, but the result was still the same.

Something he would never be able to forgive himself for.

Everything was going well. They were making love perfectly, Byakuya even let a few moans slip through, he even leaned down to capture his lips. His Taichou was amazing today, even more so than usual. He was giving more room for touches, for exploring, something Renji hasn't done too much before. The redhead was truly overjoyed and practically had a satisfied mug throughout the entire ride.

...Only for everything to crumble and wither away too fast, too easily. All by one single gesture. One move.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, Renji grabbed for Byakuya's neck, slamming the other against the pillow, squeezing it lightly, but enough to cause proper reactions. Only that... This wasn't the right person. This was not Hisagi.

In the beginning of their relationship, Renji talked about this with Kuchiki-taichou. Well, why not? He shared everything with the other and it wasn't like he had anything to hide. Not like Byakuya wasn't willing to listen to him babble away either.

Somehow, when they were discussing sex, this talk came along. Renji didn't say it on purpose, but it slipped from his tongue that Shuuhei liked to be choked. How more stupid could he get to talk about his previous partner, right? He backtracked fast saying he didn't mean anything by it and that he was simply referring to the kink itself. All he got in reply from Byakuya was...to never try it on him.

And look at him now. He was such a damn bastard.

And he has been thinking too much about Shuuhei that even this slipped.

Even Byakuya's eyes stared wide at him, almost in disbelieve. He has never done something like this with the other before. The stray has never gone so wild with his own Taichou before. He has never let lose with anyone but Shuuhei and...

In a shocked trance, he hardly felt long fingers latch around his hand and pull it away.

Needless to say, at that same second, Renji though he and Byakuya were over.

It wasn't a silly matter. Especially not with Kuchiki Byakuya.

But... He actually felt the other lean forward and capture his lips. Just like that, a tender and meaningful kiss. But Renji was motionless. He was still shocked with himself and the mistake he made.

Unlike Byakuya, he could not ignore it.

Byakuya pulled away from Abarai's lips at the lack of response, staring into wild brown, seeing many emotions running through them.

And he wasn't at all oblivious about things that were once again happening in the redhead's life.

Pulling himself away from Renji calmly and wordlessly, Byakuya stood up to gather his discarded clothes from the floor. He didn't mind it when Renji went wild and needy, but there was definitely nothing he could do if the other no longer reacted to him the same.

Kuchiki Byakuya knew what this was about. And he knew one thing as a fact: he has lost the redhead for real this time.

For the first time since Hisana's death, he could feel his mask faltering... If only a bit as he slowly dressed himself up. But of course, there was no way he could show this side of himself to anyone. Not even Renji.

"Wait, Byaku- Kuchiki-taichou... I-" Renji turned to face Byakuya, reaching his hand towards him, towards the moon... But it was too far away...once again.

Just as Byakuya made the last adjustments to his shihakushou and pulled the haori over his shoulders, he turned around to face the redhead once again, his face a usual-stoic, "Rest assured, Abarai-fukutaichou, my feelings have not changed," he paused, turning around, "But I can see that yours have, once again," and he took a step for the door.

"Goddammit, no, wait!" Renji had his arms wrapped tightly around Byakuya in seconds, "...wait... It's, it's not what it looks like, I-" Renji stepped in front of his lover, hands on either shoulder, eyes glittering in despair, looking into dark orbs, "...I'm...confused..." he said finally, truthfully, squeezing shoulders through clothes, head lowered, "...I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, all I know is," he looked back into Byakuya's eyes, sadness in full view, but at the same time, a glimpse of absolute sincerity, "My feelings haven't changed for you either! I still love you, same as ever! I just, I-" Renji shook his head, "I don't know what to-"

Byakuya raised his hand in a silencing manner, so the redhead stopped talking, hearing something he didn't know he was worthy of hearing, "Sort out your feelings and make a decision. Until then," Kuchiki pulled Renji's hands away from his shoulders, "I will be waiting," and he made his way towards the door without looking back, closing it behind himself lightly.

Renji stood there with his head spinning, "tch"-ing after, leaning his forehead against the hand, letting out a shaky breath.

A mess. It was all a complete, fucked up...mess. He needed help. Serious mental help. There was something terribly wrong with him, he knew that.

He needed to consult with someone from the Fourth Division. Maybe they could help.

Sighing, Renji lay back down on his bed, noticing his still half-erect member. Wasn't he just, honestly, disgusting?

Closing his eyes, he reached for it, willing to finish the job himself.


Not many Divisions got to get a day off. And the 4th was definitely not one of them, so Renji got lucky... Sort of. He just wondered who he could possibly ask this kind of help of.

Clad in just a light blue yukata, hair down and running a hand through red locks, Renji decided to settle on any member of the Division. Not like he would share his personal matters. He just needed his head checked and possible healing or something... Right?

Not that he knew how this damn thing actually worked.

Sighing, he found himself a random member of the Fourth fast. It was the first time he has seen this guy, but he was sure he was capable. Hell, everyone in the Fourth kinda was... At least, that was the idea...

Whatever the case, he would have to settle on this... For now.

"What can I do for you?" the smaller man smiled lightly, looking pleasantly up at Renji.

"I need you to check my head and do possible healing," Abarai cut to the chase fast, his face determined and serious.

The smile disappeared from the man's lips as he looked up at Renji, more than a bit surprised to hear such a request, "...e-excuse me? Do you have a headache, sir?"

Blinking once, Renji let out another sigh. Yeah, he wished he did, "No, but I think there could be something terribly wrong with my brain functions and- Just do what I ask of you already!"

"Y-yes!" the smaller man replied unceremoniously, asking Renji to follow him to one of the many rooms. The little guy had no clue what was going on, but from the looks of things, it was better not to argue with such a man.

After countless questioning, minor checks and even an x-ray test, proving Renji was completely healthy, the redhead asked the other for healing anyway, so that's what he got.

Only that he felt no different at all.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, from what the little guy said.

The hell? Then... Why was he like this? Why couldn't he fucking keep his feelings in check? Was he missing something here? Sure, Renji wasn't that dumb, he knew fully well feelings could not be healed or whatever crap, but he thought it was going to help him...somehow.

Well, at least he could think more clearly now. And think he did as he made his way towards the Ninth Division barracks.

He seriously messed up big time. If he loved Byakuya, why were his feelings for Shuuhei just as strong? What kind of bullshit was this? Was it even possible to love two people equally? No, there had to be an outweighed balance somewhere... And that was why Renji needed to talk to Shuuhei right now.

Sometimes, he wondered why both Byakuya and Shuuhei actually gave him a chance to choose. Sure, Shuuhei pushed him away, but he knew for a fact that thus was his personality... And he was still really in love with him no matter what, no matter Kira.

Byakuya loved him dearly too, otherwise... He would just break it off with him. Wasn't he just lucky or what? Sometimes, Renji felt like scum, like crawling under a rock somewhere far away from here, but... Something kept him going.

He wasn't worth feelings from either of the two. Renji actually wondered why he was forgiven so easily too and-

Gods, he should have asked for something to kill the headache after all. Relationships were such complicated bitches.

Why couldn't he just go for a threesome or something? Fucking shit this all to hell... Although it was a really hot idea.

Stopping in his tracks near his destination, Renji was glued to the spot as realization hit him dead on. There he was, watching Kira leave the Ninth Division, going into the opposite direction.

Did he spend the night with Hisagi? Well...why not, right? Renji left the bar early, actually right after his talk with sempai, so he didn't know about this...

Although he really shouldn't be surprised...

Any other guy, at this point, would just fucking take the hint and leave. But not Renji. Oh no, not him. He came to talk to Shuuhei and that's what he was going to do.

Making his way inside, straight to Hisagi's room, the room he didn't think he would see so often anymore, he let out a breath, scratched the back of his head, getting his last thoughts together as he knocked on the door, waiting for any sort of movement behind it.

Only for it to be completely quiet.

Was Shuuhei asleep or something? Weird. The brunet has always been the type to open the door fast enough.

"Oi, sempai! You there?" Abarai knocked again. If he got bitched at for waking the other up, he didn't care. He would think of a proper apology for it later. For now...

Hmm... There was also a possibly the other was wasted.

"Sempai, I'm comin' in!" Renji said loudly, opening the door to the brightness of the setting sun, he didn't even notice the time pass so much that day, the room being completely empty, with the bed made completely, perfectly, which was a bit uncharacteristic for Shuuhei. Probably Izuru's work, huh...

Where was Hisagi anyway?

Closing the door, Renji leaned against it, sliding down before he was seated on the floor as he stared at the wall in front of him, letting out another of the many breaths he already had that day. How uncool. Now he had to wait for the other to come back. He was definitely not in the right state of mind to run around Seireitei in search of the brunet.

But fortunately for him, he didn't have to wait too long and in less than fifteen minutes, he heard familiar footsteps, raising his eyes to look at surprised grey ones.

It was now or never.

To Be Continued...