Part 7

Gidden and Tana went separate ways after breakfast, Gidden taking the opportunity to use his parent's training salle, and spent most of the afternoon working up a sweat doing practice drills. No one watched, but if they had, they would have thought his singular dedication to his motions impressive. The reality was that he didn't have any focus and was forced to work for it, something he was unaccustomed to.

He finished in the training salle feeling exhausted but better as his imaginary opponents had mostly been his own demons. He'd fought and won, gaining a perspective and patience from the exercises he'd not expected. He didn't have any more answers than before, but he'd re-centered himself, found his balance, and that was almost as good.

He toweled his bare chest dry as he headed back towards his quarters to change. He'd been invited to join Layne that evening for the meal; Tana had declined when it had become obvious her own invitation was offered more out of politeness than any real desire for her company. Layne made no secret of the fact she did not seek her sister's presence, and if fact would have found it trying.

Gidden hadn't seen Tana since. Not that he could blame her.

Gidden strode onto the terrace where Layne had her evening meals. Layne hadn't yet seated herself, and was looking across the ocean as the sun began to set. Gidden examined her critically, taking the opportunity to ask himself the question Tana had asked him that morning.

Was Layne beautiful?

Classically so. Layne was almost the spitting image of their mother. Her hair was the same shade of the setting sun, her eyes the gray of stormy seas; her build, while slighter than Tenel Ka's and lacking the warrior's muscles, was still fit and capable. She had the hands of an artist, not a fighter, and he thought he saw paint on the tips.

Yet, for all Layne's natural beauty, and he could acknowledge she was a beautiful woman - like their mother - he wasn't drawn to her. He felt no stirrings of desire, was in fact repulsed by the thought. He'd often told their father that Layne would break hearts - and he in turn would break the head of the man who dared hurt his sister. Jacen had laughed, but Gidden had meant every word. His protective feelings for Layne were what they seemed to be; brotherly in all aspects.

Layne turned, as if sensing his scrutiny and a smile lit her lips. "Brother." She outstretched hands to him. "Welcome."

"Chume'Da." Gidden took the two steps to her and grasped both in his own, kissing the backs warmly before planting a brotherly kiss on her proffered cheek. "Your responsibilities appear to be agreeing with you. Thank you for inviting me to join your meal."

"You should not be such a stranger, brother." But Layne fairly glowed under the compliment, taking the seat Gidden held for her before placing her hands on the table-top. "The people find mother and father just rulers, but the prejudices against the Jedi are deeply ingrained. Often, when mother has done this, I have been left in charge with Jana to guide me. The people, despite my parentage, bring problems to me they would not think to address to mother."

"The people trust you." Gidden took his seat across from her. "It's a good sign."

"They trust you as well." Her eyes sparkled mischievously. "Mother and Father have made no secret of your exploits, both diplomatic and physical. There was much dismay when your announcement to step down as Chume'Da circulated the nobles."

"No doubt they've been grooming their daughters for succession," he told her dryly. "One more reason I despise Hapan politics."

Layne laughed softly, taking a sip of the wine the serving droid poured for her. "Mother did warn them but they chose not to listen. You are still a member of the Royal family, even having forsworn your position as Chume'Da. There may still yet be offers from suitable women."

Gidden almost dropped his glass at her emphasis. There was no mistaking the disapproval in her gaze or tone. "Explain yourself, sister, or I shall claim insult."

Layne sighed, replacing her glass on the table. "Your encounter with Tana is public knowledge - inside the palace - Gidden. I do not wish to see you hurt."

Gidden regarded Layne carefully. "See me hurt? Surely you jest."

"You have been gone a long time. Tana's wonton behavior with the men in the city is well know. The guards pulled her bodily and unconscious, from several large parties. She was clothed, but, from what mother has said, that does not indicate anything."

Gidden's stomach twisted. "This is the first you have spoken of it."

Layne's smile reappeared, this time with a sad hint. "We were forbidden to speak of it. You have spoken with Tana, you have had contact with her. My vow to mother has been fulfilled, I am free to speak of it once more. Tana will do nothing but hurt you, Gidden. She has carelessly and boldly flaunted her freedom and... male friends around the city. She has been found - and reported - in more than one scandalous or inappropriate encounter."

"Layne!"

"It is the truth!" Layne's tone was vehement, cold. "Tana will do nothing but hurt you. Consider her your sister and accept the proposal of one of the more decorous women of noble birth. You will be happier, Gidden. I swear it. Tana will bring you only heart break."

Gidden pushed away from the table and got to his feet. "Tana's your sister, your twin sister, Layne, how can you speak so unkindly of her?"

Layne regarded him with compassionate eyes. "I dislike speaking of her in such a fashion, Gidden, but you deserve to know the truth. Heed my warning; Tana will bring you naught but heartache."

Gidden stared at the sister he'd always been able to predict and, deciding nothing he would say could possibly affect her opinion, turned and left without another word.

"Prince Gidden."

He didn't look up from his slouched position, his expression dark and brooding as he stared across the gently rolling waves. He'd come to this balcony for peace and quiet, for time to think. He wasn't going to get it. He sighed, his leg dangling over the side, the other cocked at the knee to support the arm that held his head. "Yes, Jana?"

She stepped out into the light, entering his field of vision. She looked much the same as he remembered her from his dreams as a child. She'd been his protector then, just as Tenel Ka had been, always shielding him from things too dangerous for a child his age. When he'd left, she'd taken him aside and given him a frank talk about personal safety and responsibility. Jana had been the one, not his parents, to speak with him about physical passions and the galaxy. Her lessons as been heeded and put to good use.

She turned to face him, leaning against the railing of the balcony, her gaze concerned. "I heard your conversation with the Princess."

He would have smiled if his thoughts hadn't been so dark. "Which one?"

"The Chume'Da." Jana smiled faintly. "Layne means well, Gidden."

"I know she does. She simply doesn't understand."

"Should she?" Jana's question was calm, pointed. "Layne doesn't understand what you see in Tana, she doesn't see what anyone can see in Tana."

"They're sisters! Layne should want what's best for her, not pity her."

"Layne doesn't understand, Tana, Gidden. She never has. They've never been close, never done much of anything together. Layne was the first to turn her back on her sister; Tana's only use, as far as Layne is concerned, is a marriage match to bring a political alliance to Hapes."

Gidden stared at Jana horrified. "Is that why she warned me away? Because she's match-making for Tana?"

"A part of it." Jana told him honestly. "But the young man she fancies for Tana doesn't want a plain wife. He has his eyes set on Layne herself."

Gidden rubbed his hand over his face. "What do you think of this whole messed up situation, Jana?"

"It is not my place to say."

"I'm asking your opinion. I value it, in fact, I would prefer it to the opinion of the Chume'Da."

Jana was silent, turning away to scan the area below them. They were too high for most assassins, but long years of practice and vigilance were hard to overcome. "I think Layne's choice for her sister is wrong. The young man would never value Tana's strengths; only find faults in her lack of beauty. He would make her miserable."

"And the rest?"

"The rest?" She arched her eyebrows.

Gidden felt a flush crawling up his face but knew Jana would never see it in the deep shadow in which he was hiding. "The... encounter I had with Tana?"

Jana finally turned back to look at him, her eyes sparkling with inner amusement. "I had an encounter with Kyp Durron, Gidden. What you had with Tana was a moment. A moment that has had a visible affect on both of you. Do you feel for Tana what you feel for Layne?"

"No." He had no qualms about being honest with Jana; she knew of his dreams. "I don't feel very brotherly towards Tana right now."

"Have you ever?"

He opened his mouth to reply and then paused, thinking about it. Had he ever felt really brotherly towards Tana? He wondered, unable to answer with certainly. "I'm not sure. I think so."

"You think so."

He shrugged. "My visions of Tana have colored much of my thinking about her. When I was a child I dreamt of her birth. I dreamt of her taking my hand and leading me to some great quest. I dreamt of her at my side, fighting monsters and demons, the forces of evil; and watching my back. She was my guide, my anchor; the one thing that never changed."

"And now?"

He was silent. And now indeed. Would Jana be able to understand his change of feelings towards the girl in his dreams; a girl she was sworn to protect?

"Gidden, I am not hear to judge."

"I know." He sighed. "I just... I don't want you to think of me the way I think of myself."

"I think very highly of you, young man." Jana's tone was almost crisp. "I'd like to set my mind at ease to know you're not going to leave suddenly and throw Tana back into turmoil."

"I don't think she wants me to stay." The thought, now voiced, was frightening indeed. "She's not exactly being forthcoming with what it is about my leaving that affected her so. She's still distant and preoccupied; she's still pushing me away."

"She pushes everyone away; everyone except the Queen Mother."

"I got that impression." Gidden rubbed his palms on his pants. "I believe I'm in love with her."

"You believe? Don't you think you should have been certain before you said the words?"

He flushed again, looking away. "I know I love her, Jana. I always have, I know I always will. Being in love with someone is something else."

"So you're just uncertain if she's ready for more."

"Right." He stared down at his hands. "I don't want to hurt her more than I already have."

Jana placed a hand on his arm, squeezing reassuringly. "You can't, Gidden. Tana hit bottom while you were gone, it's the reason she went off the way she did. I assigned myself to watch her on more than one occasion and often, more often than not, she had second thoughts about becoming involved with any man. She teased them, yes, that part is true, but she wasn't the Tana you came home to. When she arrived home from the academy, Tana was a broken, wild creature without respect for authority. Scruffy and I had to work long hours with her and her guards to get as far as we have. You see, Tana believes herself to be second best in all things. Her plain looks haven't helped."

"There's nothing wrong with the way she looks!"

Jana grinned. "You see through your heart's eyes, just as your parents do, Gidden. Tana looks in a mirror and sees only what she wishes she could be. She once said to your mother that, if she'd been as beautiful as Layne, you never would have left."

"B-but..." Gidden sputtered, shocked. "She had nothing to do with why I left!"

"She doesn't believe that. Until her mother directed her to the garden for an outlet, she had nothing. She acted out, hoping, or so I am told, that your parents would send for you."

"Me?"

Jana nodded. "Tana was hoping that her bad behavior would draw you home. Home, so she could once again believe someone found her beautiful; that someone desired her company. You have seen Layne's reaction to her sister, the indifference and almost callous disregard. Jarid is little better, believing she brought her fate upon herself. Tana's own actions have alienated her twins. A part of her believes she's alienated you too."

"But..." Gidden stared at her appalled. "I never knew what was happening."

"If you had, would you have come home?"

"Of course I would have!"

Jana chuckled, removing her hand and resuming her vigilant stance. "Tana knew you well, Prince. Her ploy would have worked if you hadn't been out of contact for so long."

"She did all this - all these things - just to get my attention?"

"Incredible, isn't it?"

"Mind boggling. Why are you telling me this, Jana?"

"You deserve to know. As your sister said; Tana has spoken with you now; our vow has been fulfilled. You need to know what you're up against Prince."

"Do you..." He stopped, gathering his courage and forged ahead. "Do you object to a match between Tana and I?"

Jana's expression was unreadable. "We live to serve, Prince Gidden. When a Royal weds for love, we make no distinctions. May the Force be with you."

She disappeared as quietly as she'd come, leaving Gidden to his disturbing thoughts as the sun set beyond the horizon. He stayed where he was, his mind churning, until the first rays of dawn slid silently down the walls of the Palace. Then, and only then, did he move from his silent vigil. The night had brought no comfort, but it had answered questions Tana had been reluctant to. If nothing else, he now knew the reasoning behind her actions.

Now he just had to figure out what to do about it.

Gidden deliberately avoided Tana over the next two days, taking some much needed time for solitude and reflection. She didn't seek him out and for that he was grateful. He was now armed with Jana's explanation, Layne's observations - and prejudices - as well as what Tana herself had revealed. He took the time to carefully piece together a picture of who and what he'd left behind.

According to Jana's carefully chosen words, his presence - or rather lack there-of, had seriously interfered with Tana's training and duties. Interfered to the point where she'd convinced herself that no other teacher would do except him and attempted to bring him home. Only it hadn't worked. Tana's explanation was more simplistic. A lack of understanding on everyone else's part with regards to how she needed to be taught.

He'd thought about it a lot and began to wonder if maybe Tana had deliberately chosen to only be taught a certain way - his way - and so had set herself up for failure. Not only at the academy, but also upon her return home. As disturbing as it was, it was the most plausible solution. It was not a pleasant revelation.

Tana had grown in his absence, but in some ways he wondered if she still wasn't that thirteen year old who was trying to get his attention. It made him uncomfortable but he made himself consider the possibility. In some ways, wasn't she still trying to get his attention?

She was, he admitted, but not in the same ways as before. As a child she'd craved his attention, often joining him of her own accord despite her small stature and mimicking him. It was how she'd learned a good portion of her Force abilities. They'd made time to discuss the philosophies he needed to know, Tana taking her duties seriously despite not fully understanding the context. She'd quizzed him, teased him and help him come up with silly songs and rhymes to remember the dry material.

And then she'd begged his help on her own. They'd spent days together, practically inseparable, often being teased about being joined at the hip. Even then Gidden had always felt more complete having her around, more relaxed. She'd always been a soothing, calming presence.

Until now.

Tana had changed from that impish, incorrigible child into an introspective, emotionally unbalanced young woman. She'd become unpredictable, volatile; everything she hadn't wanted to be as a child. She'd become quarrelsome but lacked the strength to carry through. She resorted to emotional blackmail in the attempts to get what she wanted, her tears an expression of something he hadn't yet identified. Something stuck inside her that she didn't dare release.

He didn't yet understand why or what had brought the thought, but he knew with certainty it was true.

She came looking for him on the third day, nearly in tears; a common occurrence from what he'd seen since his arrival home. "She doesn't listen!"

Gidden didn't try and stop her as she pushed into his room, throwing herself on the couch to huddle in a miserable ball. He didn't need to ask, but he did anyway. "Layne?"

"She's so dead set on marrying me off to some noble, some guy who wouldn't look twice at me and really wants to marry her instead! She's such a bully!"

"You don't mean that."

"I do." Tana turned on him, her eyes flashing. "Layne's been trying to convince mother and father to agree to an alliance with the same house for almost five years. But he doesn't want me. I know - he told me so - he wants Layne."

"What happened?"

Tana slouched on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. "Layne, my dearest sister, decided I needed to have a rendezvous with Cyris in the gardens so he could see my plants and what I'm capable of."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

Tana glared at him. "He's allergic to pollen!"

Gidden chuckled and then coughed, attempting to hide his amusement.

"It's not funny!"

"Sure it is."

"It is not, you're no better than she is!"

Gidden grinned. "I'm not trying to make your life miserable."

"No, you already did that." She stuck her tongue out at him and then flushed, ducking her head for the words had more truth to them than she'd intended.

"You can't blame me for all of the bad things that have happened to you, Tana. I made my decisions; you made yours. My presence, or lack there-of, was what you made of it."

She blinked, completely taken by surprise, her anger and tears vanishing under the shock. "You don't mean that."

"I do."

"But... but you said you love me."

His smile was faint. "I do."

"Then you can't mean... you don't think I... I..."

Gidden stayed where he was by the door, regarding her shrewdly. Jana's perspective on things had helped clear up a lot of mysteries. "Would you like to hear what I think?"

She fell silent and nodded apprehensively.

Gidden leaned against the wall, bracing himself as he organized his thoughts. He watched her as he did, taking his time. She fidgeted under his gaze, shifting uncomfortably as if hiding something - or afraid he'd reveal something she didn't want him to know. He finally spoke, choosing his words with deliberate care. "I think your actions were deliberate."

"I-"

He held up a hand, cutting her off with a look. "You wanted to know, so let me speak."

Her lips snapped tightly shut.

Gidden continued. "I don't think the consequences were ones you considered or prepared for, despite the warning signs. I believe you could, and still can be, a powerful Jedi - if you focused on the training and not who the teacher should be. Or rather, what you believed they should think of your skills. I think that in your selfish desire to bring back the one person you truly felt connected with you let your goals and dreams slide so far you don't feel you can ever achieve them. I see a young woman who has settled for second best in a lot of things because she lacked the confidence and conviction to achieve them. But I also see a young woman who's moved beyond that chasm and is learning what it is to be responsible all over again."

Tana had gone pale.

Gidden continued relentlessly. "I see a woman who has withdrawn from society to protect herself from its perversions, to avoid having to deal with those things she finds unpleasant. I see a young woman who is as much the girl I left behind as the young woman she's striving to be. Your isolation has left you unable to communicate effectively, to speak your mind or your feelings. You've put so much emphasis on what 'should have been', you can't see the future 'could be's that are staring you in the face."

He stopped. Tana was trembling, but not from hurt. He could feel her rage, pent up, caged, housed like an animal and suppressed for years. It was clawing at her because of his callous words. Clawing, bending, tearing at the bars of its cage to get out.

He waited for a moment to see what she would do and then added one last comment. "You're a coward, Tana."

"You don't know me at all!" She jumped to her feet, the caged anger exploding all at once. "You've been gone for five years. Five years, Gidden! You let me go, you turned your back on me without so much as a second thought. You were the only mentor, the only teacher I ever had that made me feel good about myself. You were my best and only friend, the only one who seemed to understand me. And you left me!"

Her anger lent her the strength she needed; she was fairly screaming at him now, her hands clenched at her sides. "I loved you and you left me! You don't think it takes strength to pick yourself up from the gutter? I've been there; I know! Do you know how easy it would have been to give in to Dennig's demands? Or Cal's? Do you know how tempted I was, how close simply because I wanted to forget you? Because I wanted to hurt you? Do you?"

"You won't tell me."

"Why should I?" Her demand was scathing, forceful.

Gidden watched, impressed. This was a side of her he'd not yet seen. He remembered his father once telling his mother that women were at their most beautiful when angry. He managed not to smile, lest it bring her fury down atop his head harder than it was, but the adage was true. Tana became a vibrant, powerful presence when she was angry. Still, as he listened to her words, he found her answering more of his questions than he'd hoped.

"I don't owe you anything, Gidden. I don't owe you an explanation or a reason. I have a father and he's lectured me enough on the subject! So what if all of my male friends look like you. As long as I was with them, I could act like I wanted, say what I wanted. I didn't have to be Princess Tana, or Jedi Tana. I could be me. Me!"

"So you acted like a common-"

"No!" She snapped, cutting him off with a sharp motion of her hand. "I was allowed to dream with them. Something I'd think you'd be very familiar with."

"Off and on."

She glared at him. "Ever have dreams that leave you aching in the night? I have." Her anger was starting to cool, her thought process catching up to her mouth. "I couldn't deal with them, so I looked for an outlet. Any outlet."

"Which is why you'd been branded a tease." He nodded thoughtfully. "Why didn't you just tell me that?"

She sighed, her anger fading, leaving reason behind. "How would you have reacted if I told you I was fantasizing about you? It was how I figured out I didn't think of you like a brother. I..." she blushed, but smiled. "I tried to picture Jarid like that one night to see what the difference was. I just about made myself sick."

Gidden chuckled at her sheepish admission. "That's reassuring. Tana, sweetie, how long...?"

Her blush deepened. "Since I turned sixteen."

Two years. It explained a lot. "Ah. Well, the year you turned sixteen I was sent on a very specific vision quest; about you."

"Me?"

He nodded. "You're not the only one who had trouble with dreams."

"Oh! But I was-"

"You were a child, I know." He smiled faintly. "Not in my dreams though - you've always been an adult. At least, when they're adult dreams. It took me a while to come to terms with them."

"Oh." She swallowed hard, watching him. "Gidden?"

He cocked his head at her. "Yeah?"

She searched his face. Her voice was small, as if dreading the answer, when she finally spoke. "Did... did I have anything to do with why you left Hapes?"

Gidden took the two steps needed to reach her and pulled her into his arms, tucking her head close to his shoulder. She looked forlorn, adrift, as if the answer could break her suddenly. Her arms encircled his waist. He could feel the tension in her frame. "No, Tana. You were the one reason I wanted to stay."

Her grip tightened. "You didn't mean to hurt me, did you?"

"Never." He turned his head, inhaling the sweet fragrance of flowers in bloom that seemed permanently caught in her hair. "I wanted to make you proud of me; I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you'd be alright with Layne and Jarid and mom and dad."

"Oh." She fell silent, tucking her head more comfortably against his shoulder.

Gidden held her for a long minute, enjoying the feel of her in his arms, before stepping back reluctantly. Her hands fell from his waist only because he stepped beyond reach. "Let's take this slow, okay? Mom and dad will be gone for a couple of weeks so it gives us some time to work through everything to see where we stand."

"What if I don't want to take it slow?"

"Then you'll just have to trust my judgment. There's more at stake here than you and I."

She sighed. "Alright. Just so long as Layne doesn't push Cyris on me again."

"I'll handle Layne. What do you say about getting back on the practice mat with a training saber? Maybe a little one on one?"

The grin that creased her lips was delighted. "Really?"

"Really."

She darted for the entrance to his quarters. "Wizard; I'll go change!"

Gidden's laughter followed her out the door.