Disclaimers in Part 1
Author's Notes:
1) I'm sorry it took so long between chapters, work has been crazy. I do plan on uploading the next chapter this week as well.
2) All the information about Jewish funerals came from the Internet, so if it is wrong, I apologize.
3) This chapter is a little more serious, which is not usually my style. I tend to try and bring the funny, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you think the chapter sucked, please let me know, in a constructive way of course.
4) All mistake are mine, as I have no beta :(
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While Josh flew east towards Connecticut, the rest of the campaign boarded a flight and headed west to California. Donna had always wanted to visit California; as a child she had begged her parents incessantly to take her to Disney Land. She had wanted to go Hollywood, see the Walk of Fame so she could press her hands into the same indentations that had immortalized her childhood heroes like Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn.
Now, however, all thoughts of sun and surf in her head had been replaced by Josh and his grief. For the millionth time in the last two days, she questioned her decision to let him go home alone. It was probably for the best, she tried to convince herself. How awkward would it be for Josh to explain to his mother and the rest of his family why he had brought his assistant with him to his father's funeral? No, Josh needed to focus on his family, offer comfort to his mother, that should be his number one priority. But she couldn't stop herself from wondering who would be comforting Josh? Who would be there to help ease his pain?
Donna was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't hear Sam take the seat next to her on the plane.
"Hey," he opened. "How are you doing?"
"Good. Fine. Great," she paused then continued in a shaky voice. "I'm worried about Josh."
"I know, me too. But, I've know Josh a long time, and in my experience he always pulls through."
"I'll have to take your word for it." She turned her attention out the airplane window, taking in the sight of the puffy white clouds drifting by.
Obviously not content to let the conversation end there Sam continued, "He's going to be fine. And you know why?"
She turned back towards Sam and from the expectant look on his face; she quickly surmised that his question was not rhetorical.
"No, why?"
"Because he's not alone. He has Leo and CJ and me and even Toby. But most importantly he has you." He finished, giving her a pointed look.
"Of course, I'll be there for him, it's my job as his assistant to make his work as stress free as possible, but you know Josh, he thrives in high pressure situations."
"You're an excellent assistant, but that's not what I'm talking about."
"Sam. Please." Her eyes pleaded with him. She was unsure if Josh had confided something to Sam, if he had figured things out on his own, or if he was just fishing for information. She knew she wasn't emotionally strong enough to have a discussion about her relationship with Sam in an airplane full of people, especially since she hadn't had a conversation with Josh about her relationship with *Josh*.
He must have seen the desperate look written across her face because he mercifully let the topic drop and moved on to campaign related business.
At the exact same time on the other side of the country, Josh was helping his mother make funeral arrangements. In a desperate attempt to not become emotionally overwhelmed with grief, Josh had convinced his mother to leave all the details with him. If he had a job, a specific task, to occupy his mind he wouldn't have to think about all the hours, all the days he had spent away from his family in Washington. He should have called more, made more of an effort to visit when he had had the chance because now his father was gone and there would never be another opportunity, there would never be any more time together.
He needed a distraction. He wished Donna was there with him, spouting off some ridiculous fact or inane piece of trivia. He just needed to hear her voice, the way she would say his name, sometimes in a quick burst of righteous indignation, or in his favourite way, in a soft moan of pleasure. He reached over to grab his cell phone, but stopped when he noticed the time. It was still morning and she was three time zones away. Even if the campaign plane had landed, she would probably be in bed trying to sneak in a few hours of rest. The last thing he wanted to do was deprive her of what little sleep she could manage to get.
Resigned to going another few hours without hearing her voice, Josh threw on some clothes and headed downstairs to find his mother.
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While Josh was never far from Donna's thoughts, the hectic pace associated with the ramp up to the California primary left very little time for personal contemplation. Without Josh, Donna served as a roving assistant to all members of the senior staff. Donna really enjoyed learning new facets of the campaign. With Josh her primary role was focusing on political strategies to win over delegates. While everyone contributed to shaping the governor's platform it was interesting to work with Sam, and even Toby (they had gotten past the 'coffee incident' as she had referred to it in her head). She now had a new appreciation of the difficulty of writing a speech for a genius.
She had even got to help CJ by appearing, along with a few others, on a few local television stations in an effort to reach youth voters. She was so pumped by her mere 30 seconds on air, a huge toothy smile was plastered across her face for the rest of the day. When she had first got off the air, her first thought was that she couldn't wait to recount the whole experience second-by-second to Josh.
Her smile had quickly slipped off her face when she remembered that Josh wasn't with them. He was in Connecticut planning his father's funeral. Being Protestant and from Wisconsin, she was unfamiliar with Jewish funerals, so last night or this morning depending on which time zone you were in, she had skipped out on the opportunity to get a few hours of rest and had instead located the communal area in the hotel and used the computer with Internet access. She had done some research (which should hardly come as a shock to anyone) to try and understand what Josh would be doing while he was away from her in an attempt to feel closer to him.
According to her research, immediately following a death, the deceased should not, according to tradition, be left unattended. A Shomer, or "watchman," should stay with the deceased from the time of death until the funeral and burial... Respect is always shown to the deceased as well as toward the mourners. This is one of the reasons why Traditional Jewish funerals are held so soon after death. It is more respectful to inter the body within a reasonable amount of time rather than having an unnecessary delay...Funerals usually last about twenty minutes and consist of the recitation of Psalms, Scripture readings and a eulogy. Prior to or after the services, the mourners perform the ritual of K'riah, the rending of the garment.
During Shiva, mourners remain at home and the Jewish community comes and offers comfort to them. The only time a mourner is supposed to leave the home is on Shabbat to attend services in the Synagogue. During the Shiva period the community comes into the mourner's home and it is there that the three daily (morning, afternoon and evening) services are held. The Kaddish prayer is recited during these services.
The atmosphere in the house of mourning should be one of dignity, and one should avoid creating a party atmosphere during Shiva. Talk should be centered around the deceased and Shiva should be a time to remember with fondness many of the events of which the deceased was a part.
Being surrounded by research, Donna felt more comfortable and relaxed. While she still missed Josh, she felt calm knowing that he would be surrounded by family and friends during his mourning.
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The next day, Josh padded down to the kitchen to find his mother already awake and sipping coffee.
"What are you doing up? I told you to rest. I'll take care of everything."
"I know you will, but I can't just lie around all day. I need to clean the house so it's ready for visitors."
"Mom, I told you, I'll hire a cleaning crew. You don't need to do anything."
"It's my house, Joshua. I will clean it; I will not allow some stranger into my house."
Knowing there were much more contentious battles ahead Josh gave into his mother's wishes. A few moments of silence went by before his mother spoke again.
"So, you came here alone?"
"Yes..." Josh began, unsure where this conversation was going.
"I thought maybe you would be bringing someone with you."
"No, I told you I broke up with Mandy; did you think I was still going to ask her to come?"
"No, of course not. Mandy is a lovely girl, or she could be if she was with some who actually complemented her personality. No, I thought maybe you would have brought Donna."
"Donna? Why would I bring Donna? I didn't think I would have any need for an assistant while I was here."
"Josh, all I hear, when you remember to call me, is 'Donna, said this today,' and 'Donna and I went here today...' Half of our phone calls you spent telling me about Donna.
A faint blush warmed Josh's cheeks before he protested, "That's just because she's my assistant, so we have to spend so much time together," he finished weakly.
"Please don't be obtuse, Joshua."
"What? How am I being obtuse?" He demanded.
"I don't have the energy to argue with you. If you want me to believe that Donna is only your assistant, that's fine. But we both know she is a lot more than that and you should do something about it."
Immediately Josh felt guilty for snapping at his mother, "I love you mom, but you don't think anyone can live properly unless you're telling them how to go about it."
"I'm just trying to help," she said exasperated, "you're all alone," she continued in a miserable tone. "What will happen to you when I die?"
She could tell that he wasn't shocked by the question, but when he remained silent, she continued, "I just want to see you happy. You should get married; have children to play with, now while you're still young."
"Mom," he huffed, "I have a crazy life, I'm trying to get a man elected president. Most normal women can't, or won't, put up with the hours I work."
"I'm not trying to run your life, Joshua. I just want you to be happy."
"Harassing me about not having a wife or kids is not making me happy."
"I know."
"I miss Dad too," he whispered quietly.
Josh walked over to the counter to make himself a piece of toast for breakfast. He was more bothered than he cared to admit about his mother's comments. He wasn't ready for marriage, just because he was almost 40 didn't mean he had to get married. He had a lot of single friends, granted most of them were single because they were now divorced, but that only solidified Josh's position. When he got married, it was going to be for life. His parents were married for 45 years because they took their vows seriously. When he got married he would be just as committed and dedicated as his parents were, but how could he dedicate any time or effort to a wife or kids if he was working 14 to 16 hour days? However, his father had been a lawyer with a busy schedule as well, he could remember numerous occasions during his childhood when his father was absent, yet his marriage worked, so it must be possible.
Josh hesitated before speaking, the last thing he wanted to do was upset his mom, but he needed an honest answer.
"Mom, did you ever feel like, I don't know how to say this, but did you ever feel like you weren't dad's number one priority?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know dad loved you, loved us, but he worked so much, did you ever feel like you came second to the job?"
"I knew who your father was before I married him; it wasn't a surprise that he was a workaholic. I accepted that part of him, were there days when I wished he had spent more time with me? Of course, but overall I wouldn't have changed any time I spent with your father."
"Maybe you were just overly understanding. There can't be too many women like you."
"Well, I am rather unique," she joked lightly, but then continued in a more serious tone. "The key to our relationship was that I understood that your father's drive made him who he was. If I asked him to work less or be less dedicated, it would have changed who he was."
"But that makes him sound selfish, that you had to be the one to make the compromises, while he got to be who he wanted to be."
"You're missing the point, Josh. I knew that if I asked your father to work less, or even quit his job, he would have because I was his number one priority. I knew that if I pushed him, he would have chosen me, so I never asked. I didn't have to. You'll find someone like that. Someone who can see that the drive and desire you have for politics makes you who you are. And when you find that right person you won't hesitate for a second to give it up for them." With that last comment, she gave Josh a soft kiss on his cheek and walked out of the kitchen.
Could he do what his father did? Could he devote the majority of his time and energy to his work but still have a successful and happy home life? Although his mother seemed happy in her marriage, he couldn't stop himself from feeling that Donna served more (perhaps an uncharitable thought which implied that his mother didn't.) Really, what was he doing thinking about Donna and marriage? He had just finished telling himself that he was too young to be married. Yet, once he was left alone with his thoughts the first place his mind went to when he thought of marriage was Donna. But why? He had only known her for 2 months. Their, whatever you what to call it, had only started a month ago, so there was no reason for him to be contemplating marriage. It was probably just the heightened emotional circumstances involved in planning his father's funeral playing havoc with his thoughts.
Josh wandered over to the kitchen counter and poured himself a cup of coffee, which immediately forced Donna, and her constant refusal to bring him coffee, back into his mind. Getting the governor elected president was probably the most important thing he was going to do in his life. How could he balance that and a relationship with Donna? Once they won the election, and they would, Josh thought arrogantly, and they started to work in the White House when would they have time for a relationship? If they were together personally, they definitely couldn't work together professionally. So when would he see her? Late night drinks? Crawling into bed after a 16 hour day? How long would she put up with his inaccessibility? The thought that scared the most was that she would put up with it, she wouldn't complain because she knew how important the job was to him. She would settle for less because that's the kind of person she was, putting other people's needs before her own. He couldn't stand to be that guy to her, the type who asked her to put her plans on hold because he was more important. He wouldn't be another Free Ride to her.
He knew what he had to do; he was just hoping he had the strength to go through with it.
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Two days later, after Josh had finished burying his father, he returned to the campaign. Tonight would be the California primary and from all the numbers he had seen they should walk away from California with a primary win. But before he could slip back into his campaign role, he needed to have, what would probably be one of the most painful conversations of his life.
It was important for him to make Donna understand that she had done nothing wrong; she had never done anything wrong. Although the line was trite, in this situation it was true: It wasn't her, it was him. Unfortunately, it would probably be little comfort to her. He would just be another guy in a line of guys who had abused her trust, taken what they had wanted and then abandoned her when they were done. The fact that in her mind she would equate him to Dr. Free Ride ate at him.
Ending the relationship was the right decision, Donna deserved more. She deserved more than a neurotic, balding workaholic pushing 40. She deserved someone who could devote his time and energy to her, love and appreciate her the way she meant to be.
As strong as he felt about his decision, he also knew he was too much of a selfish bastard to let her go completely. To completely cut her out of his life would be impossible. Now that he knew the pleasure of her toothy smile, looked forward to her non-sequiturs, there was no way he'd let her walk away completely. He still wanted, no needed, her to work with him. In a way, it would be the perfect punishment. Working closely with her everyday; yet, never being allowed to hold her, touch her, kiss her again. It would be torture, and it was what he deserved.
Upon walking into the campaign office, he instantly knew that he decision to end things with Donna was a whole later easier to rationalize when they weren't in the same state, let alone the same room. Seeing her now, weaving around obstacles in the office, his breath literally caught in his throat. How could he have forgotten how breathtaking she was? He had missed her so much.
She leaned over to drop a file off on CJ's desk. CJ must have said something funny because a small trickle of laughter escaped from Donna's lips.
Despite the chaotic nature of the room, it wasn't long before someone finally noticed his presence.
"You're back."
Leave it to Sam to state the obvious.
"I'm back. Where do you have me set up?"
Sam guided Josh over to a small office in the back corner of the building. Josh threw his bag on the floor and started looking through the pink message slips left on his new desk.
"How was it?"
"About what you'd imagine it to be."
"How's your mom?"
"She's getting by."
Sam paused in the doorway, closing the door until it was left slightly ajar.
"Have you talked to Donna?"
"Donna? No, why?" Josh felt a wave of panic course through his body. Was there something wrong with Donna?
"She was worried about you. I thought you would want to talk to her first thing."
"Why?"
Sam sighed deeply. "You don't have to pretend, it's rather obvious."
"This little hinting game you're playing is getting really annoying. If you want to say something, just say it."
"Fine, if that's the way you want it. You're sleeping with Donna."
Josh didn't respond, instead he practically glowered at his best friend, so Sam continued, "It's just that she's not the normal type of woman you usually find yourself ensorcelled by."
"I'm not ensorcelled."
"No, of course not." Sam waved a hand idly in the air and spoke wryly.
"Donna's just my assistant."
"Of course."
"She's a sweet girl, but as you said she's not my type."
"Of course."
"Damn it Sam, can you pick another phrase besides 'of course'."
"Of course."
"You're just a laugh riot, you know that right?"
"I do know that, most people don't appreciate my humour the way they should." Sam paused and then turned so he was looking Josh directly in the eyes. "So, if Donna is just your assistant it would be fine if I asked her out?"
The words hit Josh like a physical blow. He tensed, eyes narrowing as he met Sam's amused, knowing gaze.
"It would be fine."
"You're lying. Why are you acting like a jackass Josh when it is so obvious that you are after her?"
"Why would I want such a young, naive, dairy feed chatterbox? Have you ever know me to pursue a relationship with a woman like her? She's my assistant. That's all. It's not my fault if Donna thinks I'm irresistible and has developed a little crush."
Sam nodded once at the words before pulling open the door, which had been ajar, to exit only to reveal Donna, wide-eyes and pale-faced. It was obvious that she had overheard.
Donna looked from Sam back to Josh and opened her mouth to speak, thinking that she ought to say something. But there was nothing to say, really. Josh had said it all. She took a deep breath, his words echoing around her head. Why would I want such a young, naive, dairy feed chatterbox? Well, at least now she knew the truth. Josh never had any intention of trying to start a real relationship with her; she was just a distraction, a campaign fling. Really, there was some comfort to be found in knowing the truth now before she wasted another 3 years in a relationship with a man she would later discover, would never feel the way about her that she did about him. Unfortunately, she couldn't feel that comfort at this exact moment, but surely at some point in the future, she would be able to think about his words and not feel them hit her like a punch to the stomach.
After the initial wave of nausea passed, she felt a new emotion. She felt anger, anger surging through her like a tropical storm. All she wanted was to strike back at this arrogant, self-important man who seemed to be nothing like what she thought he was.
"Well," she said, sarcasm dipping off of every word, as she pushed her way into the office to face Josh, "you seem to have a rather inflated view of yourself, although that is hardly surprising."
Donna never took her eyes off of Josh, but she did hear Sam's small cough followed by, "I think I hear Toby calling me." He quickly exited the room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
"How dare you?" She continued.
Josh moved towards her. "I didn't mean..."
Damn it, Josh cursed to himself. This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. He was going to take her somewhere private, sit her down and explain that while he cared about her greatly, their relationship wasn't going to work out. But, of course that was not what had happened; Sam had to walk in and badger him about Donna until he lost his cool.
"God Damn Sam," he swore out loud.
"Oh, no, don't blame this one Sam. He didn't put those words in your mouth that was all you."
Frustrated beyond belief Josh tried again. "Donna, what you heard was –"
She cut him off before he had a chance to finish. "Is what you said true? Do you not want a relationship with me?" She said, proud that her voice was only shaking a little.
"Donna, it's not that simple..." he began.
"No, Josh, it really is, either you want a relationship or you don't. Which is it: yes or no?"
He forced himself to look her in the eyes, if he was going to do this now like this, he wasn't going to be a coward.
"No."
She needed to get out of this room before she burst into tears, she could feel her eyes filling with liquid, but she refused to let him see how much he had hurt her. "Well, at least you didn't hide under a desk this time, so you are getting better at breaking up with women."
"Donna, please. Sit down so we can talk," he pleaded with her. He couldn't leave things the way there were now.
"I'm done talking." Donna turned back towards the door. Suddenly, Josh was next to her, grabbing her hand firmly before she could grasp the door knob.
"I'm not done talking."
"Josh," Donna said, her eyes had quickly replaced her tears with unbridled anger, "you are under the impression that because you are technically my boss that I am in some way obligated to follow your every whim. Let me set you straight. Just because I work for you doesn't me to get to order me about personally too. I'm leaving." With a tug, she extricated her hand from his grasp.
Knowing that he couldn't stop Donna from walking out of the room and his life, personally speaking, he clung to the idea that she was still going to work for him. "So, you're not leaving right? You're still my assistant?
She glared at him and for a fraction of a second he thought she was going to hit him.
"Don't worry Josh; I'm still your assistant."
With those last words, she walked out of his office. When she completely left his eye-line, Josh had a horrible feeling that he had just made the worst decision of his life.
TBC
