A/N: Sorry for the late update!
It was four o'clock in the morning, and my head hurt like hell. I'd moved from my room and into one of the TV rooms, putting some mindless sitcom on in the background while I drank coffee until my brain felt like jelly. I was trying to stay awake, I really was, and the Avengers were doing their best to help. They were taking shifts staying awake with me, but no one really knew whether they should let me sleep or not. I had told them about Loki's most recent visit, though I'd contemplated keeping it quiet; but they all agreed that Loki could very easily be lying about whether or not he was going to make me lose it through my dreams. No one knew what to do; but for now, they were keeping watch. Making sure that, if I did fall asleep, my dreams didn't threaten the world's existence.
It was Clint's turn right now; he hadn't spoken to me once this entire time. He simply sat next to me, his eyes on the TV screen, but I suspected that he wasn't really watching it. He was so… alert, for someone who was awake so early in the morning. I glanced to the clock; his shift would end soon. I'd been trying to ask him the 'Death Question' since it began, but every time I looked at his face, so stoic and serious, I found myself clamming up.
I looked to him now, trying to read his expression. Nothing. But he noticed I was watching, because he sighed through his nose.
"Is there something you want to say, Frost?" He demanded. I swallowed; Tony said he didn't tell any of the other Avengers about my 'request', so Clint would have no idea of what I wanted to ask. I was sure he'd be happy about it, though.
I frowned, then, gathering my courage and steeling myself against the fear that threatened to overwhelm me, I said, "Yeah, actually."
He turned to face me, ignoring the sitcom as canned laughter blared through the speakers. I clutched my coffee mug close to me, trying to warm up my freezing blood. He met my eyes; say whatever you like about Big Bird, but he'll listen to you when you talk, if it's important enough. I took a quick gulp of coffee, singeing the tip of my tongue.
"Well?" He asked, after I was silent for a while. I shivered, setting the mug aside and curling in on myself a little. I took a deep breath; I was almost afraid that if I did ask, he wouldn't wait until the end of the world was imminent; he'd just shoot me now. But I had to ask, because I hadn't had the courage to ask any of the others yet. And besides, the coffee was helping me make some rash decisions.
"This whole 'mind control' thing," I started. Clint's eyebrow went up. "If I… I mean, if Loki does get control of me… And I'm like, killing things? If the world's at stake…"
"Yes," he said firmly, and turned away, back to the TV screen. I froze.
"Yes what?"
"Yes, I will kill you."
My eyes popped. "How'd you…?"
"I have my ways."
I swallowed, turning my gaze back to the TV. But my eyes didn't want to go off of him. Survival instinct, I suppose; this man had just agreed to take my life, after all. "Didn't take you long to figure out your answer," I mumbled, a little nervously. I hugged my legs close to my body.
He didn't reply for a second; in fact, I didn't think he even would. But then he said, "Anyone who has the courage to ask that question deserves the right answer."
Damn, I wish he'd said that when I was a little more awake. It would've been interesting if I could keep my attention on his words for longer than three seconds at a time.
I hesitated. "Thanks," I said after a moment. He nodded curtly in response.
"I can give no guarantees, though," He warned me, looking back at me. I didn't turn to face him; my eyes were on the glowing screen. "You should probably ask someone else as well; someone stronger, perhaps. A contingency plan."
"Already thought of that," I answered, picking up my coffee again. I didn't drink any; I just watched the steam drifting upwards, leaning my face towards it to keep out the cold. "I asked Tony."
Clint almost laughed. Almost. "What did he say?"
I was surprised he was even bothering to ask questions, surprised he actually seemed to care about the conversation. "He refused."
"Why am I not surprised?"
I snorted, and he looked to me. "You gonna ask anyone else?"
I chugged back about half of the coffee, making it slosh around uncomfortably in my stomach. I nodded in response. "Bruce. I think he's my best bet."
"Interesting," he admitted, nodding a few times.
"Actually, I'm going to ask everyone," I added. "I just think that Bruce would agree; and actually be able to do it." I held out my hands and pretended to weigh something in each. "Hulk vs Bubble."
"You sure he'll agree?"
"Fairly."
Clint fell silent. "I'll let Natasha know. She'll go along with it." He sounded confident.
"Thanks." I took another sip of coffee and set it aside ruefully. No matter how much coffee I'd drunk, I hated to leave any of it left over. It was a weird thing with me.
"Don't…" I started, then frowned. "Don't tell the others, ok? Bruce… Steve… I want to ask them myself."
Clint studied me; just as intently as I had always studied him. He may not like people poking around in his mind, trying to figure out how he worked, but I was willing to bet he was pretty good at figuring out other people. But then, he'd have to be. "Sure," he answered, turning away again. I traced patterns on the couch with my fingernail. I was so tired.
The two of us didn't say another word until Clint left to go and wake the next Avenger for their shift; he turned to me and asked, "Think you can stay awake for two minutes, unsupervised?"
I pointed at the mug on the table. "Coffee," was my only response. Clint chuckled and left the room; he didn't need any more explanation then that. I wondered who'd be next; I hadn't really bothered to listen when they divided up the times. Bruce had spent the first few hours with me, then Natasha and finally Clint; so it was either Steve or Tony.
Tony and I hadn't spoken since I'd asked him the Death Question, so I desperately hoped it wouldn't be him; and, thankfully, it wasn't. Steve smiled tiredly at me as he entered the room, then sat down next to me as I flicked through channels, trying to find something relatively innocent. I finally reached an old baseball game and let it play; I hated sports myself, but I wasn't really watching the TV anyway.
Steve soon shook out of his tiredness; he never really slept for long. I, on the other hand, almost passed out on his shoulder. By the time five o'clock hit, I felt like my head was going to crack open. But I couldn't sleep. I'd tried. Every time my eyes closed too long, or I started to drift, the sound of laughter and a flashing picture of bright blue eyes would shock me awake.
This happened a few times while Steve was here; the final time, at around five o'clock, my head somehow ended up on his arm, and when I shot awake, I startled him as well. I looked up at him and released his arm quickly, sitting bolt upright and staring at the TV screen, making my eyes go wide for a second. Steve smiled kindly at me.
"It's all right, Natalie. You can go to sleep." He said reassuringly. Steve was just too nice for his own good. "I'll make sure nothing happens," he assured me, turning his gaze back to the game. I had no idea what was happening on the screen; even if I could clear my vision enough to recognize what was happening, I knew little to nothing about the rules of baseball.
I ran my hands down my face, closing my eyes for just a fraction of a second too long and almost passing out again. I shook my head. "I can't," I whispered painfully. "I'm trying, but I just… can't."
He frowned, looking to me. I went on, "Every time I try… I just keep seeing him there…" I looked up at him. "I hate this."
He watched me for a moment, then stood up. "Get dressed," he told me, walking to the door and obeying his own instructions, putting on a sweater. I watched him, confused. "Go on," he prodded, and I stood, shuffling up to my room. I changed out of my pajamas, into the warmest outfit I could find. I was way too tired for makeup, or even brushing my hair, so once that was done, I took the elevator back to the floor where Steve was waiting. He'd pulled on a pair of boots and was now smiling gently at me.
"Are we seriously going outside?" I asked, yawning hugely. He brought a finger to his lips, shushing me, and nodded. "Fun," I said sarcastically.
He chuckled. "There's something I want to show you," he said, and my eyebrows went up. I pulled on some boots of my own and followed him as he headed to the elevator. He made sure the door didn't close on me as I entered, then stopped me as I reached for the button for the bottom floor. "Not today, Frost," he said, and tapped the button for the top. I frowned.
"I've been to the penthouse before," I told him. "It's not that impressive."
He kept smiling. "I know."
I scowled. I like surprises on occasion, but at the moment I was tired and cranky, and surprises really weren't on the list of things I wanted to deal with right now. We reached the penthouse after a moment, and Steve led me onwards. I shuffled after him warily, my footsteps heavy and my limbs like lead. Ugh, I wanted to sleep.
He stopped me at one point, pointing to a place in the middle of the floor. I nodded; I knew the spot. That was where the Hulk had creamed Loki; marked with a plaque when it was rebuilt, because Tony thought it was hilarious and should be remembered for all time. I'd heard bits and pieces of the story; though Banner had always seemed a bit too modest to talk about it.
"I've seen it," I told Steve, though I had to admit, the idea of Loki being pulverized by the Jolly Green Giant did make me smile a little bit. "Is that all?"
He shook his head and walked through a few rooms, with me tagging along apprehensively. He reached a door that I hadn't even known was there and opened it; there was a staircase that led upwards. My eyebrow lifted. So we were going to the roof. I knew there were a few ways to get there, but this one was new to me. He gestured for me to go first, and I did so.
The two of us arrived on the roof in total darkness. But it was a beautiful darkness, and made alight by the hundreds of buildings around us, every window a square of gold in the perfect blackness. Maybe it was the sleep-deprivation kicking in, but at that moment, I couldn't believe how beautiful it all was. I'd been up here a few times, but never at night.
And beyond the darkness, beyond the lights… there was the snow. Snow was everywhere, dusting the buildings in crystal, and painting the world far below us white. The buildings stuck out against the snow, black and gold against pale white. I was standing in the snow, my breath fogging in front of my eyes before curling upwards to the straining stars.
"'The city that never sleeps,'" Steve quoted, walking up next to me. I stared at the brilliant dark. I'd lived here my whole life, and I'd never appreciated the beauty of this place until now. I was no architect, but I could still see the artwork in each towering skyscraper, as beautifully crafted as any sculpture or painting. Steve's grin flashed a bright white in the darkness beside me. "Wait 'till you see what happens when it wakes up."
I stared out at the brilliance of it all, and started towards the edge. My boots crunched in the snow, leaving my footprints in the otherwise undamaged beauty. "What does this have to do with Loki?" I asked after a moment of staring.
"Absolutely nothing," he responded. "That's the point." He gestured widely to the gorgeous skyline around us. "All of this… he destroyed it all, Natalie."
I frowned. Was that where this was going? A 'you-can-always-rebuild' kinda thing? But before I could ask, he turned to me. "But New York didn't let him."
I thought that over, looking to the skyline again. So I wasn't supposed to 'let' Loki destroy me, was that it? Well, it wasn't like I had a choice. But I didn't respond. I simply watched the black-gold-and-white darkness in silence. For a long time, neither of us said a word; so long that the faintest hint of grey began to appear on the horizon.
If I thought the darkness was beautiful, it was nothing compared to the light.
It started off with the barest hint of color, then exploded into scattered, fractured magnificence. The skyscrapers stood their own against the sun and its colors, black monoliths that reached upwards, towards the ever-lightning sky and its disappearing stars. Oranges, pinks, purples, and even the hint of green banished the darkness.
And wherever it struck the snow… it seemed to reflect a thousand times over, the crystal catching the colors and throwing them out, the whiteness turning to gold and burnt orange.
I watched the sun's rise in silent awe; a lot of the exhaustion had been frozen out of my limbs by the icy air, but it was the absence of fear that I noticed more than that. I felt a little… safer. Though I wasn't sure of why; nothing had changed. Loki was still in my head. I was still in danger at every second. I still wanted to know who would be on my side and willing to kill me if the time came and who wouldn't. But I was safe, for some reason.
Steve stepped up next to me. "Loki can take a lot from you, Natalie," he said carefully, quietly, watching the sun's slow progression into the sky. "He can take your friends, your control, your very life. But he can't take away your memories; he can't take away who you are." Steve gently turned me to face him, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eye. "This time, right here, right now… Loki can't take that from you."
Can't I?
The words echoed in my brain, an order and a challenge, snarled out in fury. I stumbled back, hunched over as though I'd been punched in the gut. The air was knocked out of me, and my mind was sent into spinning chaos. I gasped, my eyes wide and unseeing as blackness spun around in my thoughts, as Loki's laughter filled my ears. Fiery, blistering pain tried to split my skull in two, and I tripped over my own feet, tripped over the snow, falling backwards. My eyes went back to the once-beautiful sky.
Look at it now, Frost, Loki's voice said dangerously in my head. Look at that thing of beauty. Watch as I take it away. Watch as I take everything from you.
I stared at the skies; which had suddenly turned dark and hideous red, blackness interweaving inside it in living shadows. These shadows reached towards me with clawed hands, dancing and laughing, mocking me. Blood dribbled from the sun and the sky turned to ash and cinders. I scrambled backwards in the snow, then stopped and clutched my head in my hands.
"Natalie?" Steve asked, panicked, but Loki just laughed again. And then I saw him standing behind the Captain, and a blade emerged from Steve's chest, covered in crimson. I started screaming as Loki smiled, allowing Steve's body to drop to the ground and stain the snow with red. He started to walk towards me with the blade, still coated in Steve's blood. Loki's eyes were alight with black fire as he raised the silver blade above my head.
"Not real!" I managed to gasp out, pushing myself backwards. Loki just smiled and continued to advance. "You're not real!"
Loki laughed again, and the blade swung down. I crossed my arms above my head. "You're not real!" I screamed.
When no death blow came, I peered upwards, looking tentatively out at the world. Loki waited until I lowered my arms before tucking the blade beneath my chin.
"Does it matter if I am real or not?" He asked. I remained frozen; I could feel the cold touch of metal against my throat. How could that be an illusion? "You have never once seen me, Miss Frost, and yet somehow you believe me to exist. Somehow, I am unraveling your life. I am taking away everything you love."
I stared up at him in terror, my heart pounding again, drumming out its familiar tattoo. My hands trembled in the snow at my side.
"And now I shall take your memories; I shall take everything you remember, and everything that will be a memory… I shall take away everything that makes you into what you are."
Somehow, I couldn't help but be scared. But another part of me-the part that had decided to ask the Avengers to kill me if things got too rough- refused to be afraid. This part took over and I said what was probably the stupidest comment of my life. "Is this revenge for the whole 'daddy' thing?"
Loki's eyes narrowed; it was, perhaps, the first time I'd ever seen him angry. It was always the gloating, arrogant smiles with him. I'd heard him shout before… but this time, there was true murder in his eyes. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was about to die a horribly painful death.
The sword in his hands pressed closer against my throat. "Still making jokes?" He asked in a quiet, venomous whisper. Fear choked the back of my throat, and I almost whimpered. Almost.
"Not for long," he whispered, coming closer to my face, his lips right next to my ear. I could feel his breath on my skin; it was… cold. How was that possible? "I am going to show you the meaning of the word 'fear', Natalie Frost. You will beg for the end before it comes."
Threatening me. Trying to keep me afraid. But why? I couldn't think about it. Because, I'll admit, I was afraid. I was terror-struck. Loki removed the blade from my throat, leaving some of Steve's blood on my chin. My eyes went to his body on the ground, at the shadows which clawed at him, which reached towards me. This world was a nightmare, and I couldn't wake up…
"Never forget," Loki said, kicking Steve's corpse. "I can take everything from you."
Was it something Steve said? Did Loki feel threatened? Was Steve onto something? No. Loki wasn't dumb enough to attack right after something like that. He knew I'd figure it out; he was learning not to underestimate me. Slowly, but he was learning.
There had to be something else…
Was it revenge? Had my little offhand (and incredibly stupid) comment been right? Loki wanted me alive, so he wouldn't kill me… but he had to do something. Punish me for my 'insolence'. He already viewed himself as a king. Already viewed me as his subject; and more then that, his slave. So he was 'discouraging' a certain kind of behavior. Well, it was going to take a lot more than a little fear and some pain to chase away my attitude.
And now I knew I'd really hit him hard. Those daddy issues ran deep.
Loki turned away from me. But my mind was buzzing; I had drunk about thirteen cups of coffee, hadn't slept in forever, and also ate about two tubs of ice cream in the course of the last nine hours. There was enough sugar, caffeine, and sleep deprivation in my system to give me a lot of really, brilliantly insane ideas.
The brilliantly insane idea in question? Loki was in my head. It was time I got into his. Quite literally.
I stood slowly, then closed my eyes. I'd talked to Loki in my head before, simply by thinking on a certain sentence or phrase clearly. If he could read my mind like that, and I could hear his responses… then maybe there was something more than that. This link between us wasn't just about surface thoughts; there was something deeper involved, I was sure. How else would he be able to twist my nightmares, to project these hallucinations?
I tried to calm the screaming in my head, tried to rid myself of the pain, the exhaustion, the fear. I tried to ignore all of my emotions, all of my thoughts. I was listening to something else, listening for someone else.
It took me a moment; but in reality, it was more like a few seconds; Loki was still walking towards the edge when I found him. His thoughts, pressing against mine lightly, always there, always listening. Just in case I said or did anything that he didn't like. Listening to what we learned, what we knew of him.
I focused on the quiet whispers of his mind, the terrors of his heart. There had to be something I could use against him, something I could learn about him, some way I could get him out of my head for good…
Loki froze; he must've felt me in his mind. He turned to me slowly, menacingly. "What," he said in a voice like a shadow, "Are you doing?"
I tried to smile at him, but in doing so I almost lost my concentration. So I simply kept my focus, listening to the quiet whispers in the back of my mind.
Loki's mind. There be monsters, let me tell you.
His eyes narrowed on me. Ooh, he did not like having the tables turned on him; not one bit. My hands clenched in fists at my sides as my head started to burn. Loki was trying to keep me out. But I didn't care.
"Do you really think you could comprehend the depths of my mind, mortal? With a mind so small and childish as your own?"
I ignored him, ignored the pain that was now blinding me. I was trying to find something. The pain intensified, and I grit my teeth, catching my lip in the process and drawing blood. There had to be something here, something I could use against him…
I saw his hands curling into tight fists at his side as, struggling against the pain, I managed to say, "You're… a monster." I looked up at him; sweat was beading on my forehead, and I laughed cruelly. "Daddy always viewed you as a monster, didn't he, for all of those years?" Loki's eyes narrowed even further, into thin slits, and screaming pain raged through my mind, spiking through my entire body. I collapsed to my knees, crying out and clutching my head in my hands. But I didn't stop. I kept looking. Kept searching.
"Oh, and always living in the shadow of big brother," I sneered, looking up into his blue eyes. My vision was red and I felt like my hair was on fire, my head was so hot. But I didn't care. I was winning. I could see it in Loki's eyes; I was winning.
"How… sentimental," I threw the word out there like a swear.
Say another word, mortal, his voice boomed in my head, and I will crush your skull.
You can't touch me, I snarled back, making it echo as loudly in his mind as his voice always echoed in mine.
I can kill them,he answered, and a thousand pictures of everyone I loved and cared about flared in my head. Friends and family, laughing and crying.
And I can warn them, I answered, pulling up a few pictures of others; those I now knew to be his family, and those he once called friends. Because he once believed himself to be one of them; once upon a time, when he was a child and the world was so innocent…
I laughed aloud, then spoke again, "Oh, look at this!" I said. "'Both of you were born to be kings'?" I quoted, then laughed once more. "How did it feel, when you found out what a load of bullshit that really was?"
His eyes were no longer narrowed; they had softened just a touch. There was less anger, less thoughtless rage, and more… agony. He wasn't looking at me; not directly, not anymore. His eyes were on the ground.
"How did it feel?" he asked, his voice very quiet. I was shocked out of my blinding hatred by the fact that 1. I'd only ever heard him sound this vulnerable when he'd been lying to me and 2. I was no longer in pain. He wasn't trying to keep me out anymore.
I kept searching, almost as a reflex, but I was terrified by how quiet he'd gotten. I'd pressed the wrong button. Crossed the wrong line. And either I was about to get everything I ever wanted, and he'd leave me alone, or I was going to die. Painfully. Scratch that; I was definitely going to die, and it was going to be very painful.
I reached what I'd been trying to find; the very center and source of his pain. What I'd wanted to use against him. But it was as though he wanted me to see it, because I was led right to it, the memory open and unblocked, allowing me to see it for a split second…
"How does it feel…?" he repeated, his voice almost inaudible.
Now, I'm sure you've been in arguments before, when you're really in the full swing of insulting someone, and you feel like you'll say or do anything to win the fight. A really heated argument too; not one of those sissy ones you have with your best friend because you're bored and there's nothing on TV. It takes a lot for you to admit that you're wrong; and most of the time, you won't even admit it until long after the argument is over and you've all calmed down.
It takes a lot for someone to do a complete 360o , to change their mind on the matter totally and utterly, to apologize and wish that they'd never said the things they did in just a matter of seconds. A lot of fear, in some cases, or a lot of money. But in my case, it was a lot of pain; and not my pain, either.
Because the second I was confronted with that memory, I learned exactly how it felt.
My eyes went wide, and I swallowed. I was already on my knees, having collapsed there when the pain became too much, but I fell back even further, sitting in the snow. I looked up at him; he was no longer facing me, his eyes on the broken and bloodied skyline. Tears prickled at my eyes, and my hands went to my chest. I actually pulled them back, looking for blood, because I was sure there was a gaping, empty hole in my heart …
I looked back to Loki, my mouth open as I tried to speak. For a moment, I couldn't say anything; the words were clogged in my throat, and the tears spilled at last.
And then I said four words. Four words that I never once imagined I would say to him, four words that I never thought would come from my lips. My voice was trembling and my hands shook violently at my sides.
"Loki…" I breathed. "I'm so sorry…"
Loki didn't turn to me for a long time. But when he did, the hatred in his eyes had returned. He tried to smile, but there was so much malice, so much suppressed misery in the gesture, that it could in no way be called a 'smile'. And yet he tried, and he chuckled a little, the sound so twisted and wretched…
And then he said, "Not yet."
An explosion of ice flared behind my eyes, which rolled to the back of my head, and the world disappeared.
I woke up exactly one week later in the lab, wearing one of those intensely annoying hospital gowns that wouldn't stay closed in the back.
I will not tell you the dreams that I had during that week; that week in which Loki made good on his promise that I would be sorry; so very sorry. I will not tell you how many times I was forced to see my friends and family die, nor how many ways, and I will not describe the way they screamed to you.
I have my reasons for not telling you these things; firstly, because they are difficult to repeat (though I did write them down as soon as I got my hands on my notebook, so that I would never forget, so that I would always remember what this man did). Second, because in my head, that week lasted far longer, and to describe these dreams would take page after miserable page, and you're not here to get depressed. You're here to listen to my story.
Thirdly and lastly, I will not tell you because what happened in those hideous nightmares is between myself and Loki. A shared, though horrible, secret.
I will, however, tell you that I was shaking when I woke; and sorry, yes. Intensely sorry. But it was not Loki's mental tortures that made me hate what I had done. No, it was the pain he'd felt because of it. I wanted to be a psychiatrist to help people; and I'd had the chance of a lifetime, being in someone else's mind. And instead I'd used it against him.
Loki was the bad guy, plain and simple. He needed to be stopped. But after that, he needed to be helped; and I was going to do just that. Beyond any reasonable doubt, I knew I was going to help Loki; if he-or I- didn't die in the inevitable battle. I still hated his guts and wanted to beat him to a pulp every now and then, but the line had been established; and I wasn't going to cross it again. Even if he crossed lines all the time; I wouldn't. This time, I was going to be the better person.
I will also tell you that Steve was not dead (shocker!). It was, of course, another hallucination, another thing that Loki wanted me to believe. He wasn't waiting for me when I woke up, but he assured me that he was by my side quite frequently. In fact, most of the Avengers were; even Clint and Natasha checked up on me from time to time, and sometimes spent an hour or so just talking to me, as though I could hear. I did not tell any of them about the depths of my dreams, though I did tell them the cause of this recent lapse and what had happened beforehand, filling in the blanks from the parts of the conversation that Steve had relayed.
The Avengers were all quite relieved to have me back, which was pleasantly surprising. Apparently, despite all of my terrors, my heart rate had never risen above its usual level; but they were still worried about me. In reality, I hadn't expected my heart to race; Loki had wanted to damage me this time, but not unleash the Bubble (there is really no awesome way to say that). And what Loki wanted, as he'd made so painfully clear, he got.
Upon my return, Tony blustered about how he'd been at my side daily, how he barely slept, barely ate, and couldn't bear to leave me alone for even a second. He said he'd gone off for a few minutes' sleep when I woke up, that he'd really been at my side the whole time. Clint was quick to tell me that he was full of crap, and had maybe spent a total of one hour by the side of my bed while I was 'gone'. But Banner, who actually was in the lab quite frequently, trying to figure out a way to wake me up, later told me that Tony was there. A lot. Just… not when anyone was around to see. Banner himself only knew about it because of the edits that were done to his notes when he'd wake up the next morning.
I have never let him hear the end of that one.
Steve was very concerned; and not just for me, but also because of what I'd said. The conversation was very one-sided to him, so he didn't understand what had happened or, more importantly, why I'd told Loki I was 'sorry'. None of the Avengers had liked that; and they had liked it a whole lot less when I told them that I had crossed a line in the things I'd said. I left out some of the details, blurring a bit of the truth to keep Loki's secret pain just that; a secret. Clint seemed to guess that I was lying, but once he'd affirmed that the Death Question was still in effect, he didn't ask me about it. I guess he figured that, if I was still willing to die for this cause, then it was highly unlikely I was going to defect from it. He informed me that Natasha was on board and agreed to thank her for me, then left me alone.
Thor still hadn't shown up. And, with Loki occupied by making my brain go crazy, this week had been relatively silent. All except for one thing; my mother.
Tony had given her a load of BS about a trip to Australia, and my mother had not taken it well. She was furious with me for not calling, for not talking to her in about two weeks and then suddenly going to 'Australia of all places' without letting her know beforehand. So, with a lot of sympathetic glances in my direction, I took an offered phone and dialed her quickly, shooing the Avengers out of the room and putting her on speaker so I could get out of the ridiculous hospital gown and into something more solid; like pjs. I was seriously loving the pjs these days.
After a few rings, her voice came over the speaker. "Hello?"
"Hey, mom? It's me."
"Natalie!" She exclaimed. "You have some explaining to do, young lady!"
I smiled ruefully. "I know."
"First you decide to switch majors, then you get this 'internship' with Tony Stark, then you never visit, and then you go to Australia and don't even say a word to me? What's in Australia, anyway?"
"Science-y stuff." I answered easily, smiling to myself. My mom, the insta-nag. Just add water!
"Don't get sassy with me," She scolded. "I want an honest answer; when will you come home?"
The word home slammed into my heart like a sledgehammer; I frowned. I wanted to go home. That was all I wanted. Sure, I was getting a bit more comfortable with my life in Stark Tower, but I needed to see my family again, needed to be back at my house with my room, my books, and my mother. But I had a homicidal maniac in my head; and that wasn't something I could get her involved in. I couldn't even tell her about it.
I swallowed thickly, looking upwards to blink the moisture out of my eyes. I shook it off. Tears did neither of us any good. "I'm… I'm not, mom. Not for a really long time."
"Oh, really?" She asked sharply. "And why not?"
"Because… I mean, the workload here is really heavy. Tony's got us working all hours."
"That's funny; because Mr. Stark told me that just last night you were watching movies and eating pizza until two in the morning."
I scowled. For a smart guy, Tony was the stupidest SOB I'd ever met in my life. "Well yeah. We took a break; I'd just gotten back from Australia, I mean, come on! We had to party!"
"Don't lie to me, Natalie. I know when you're lying to me." I hoped not. If that was the case, I had a lot of explaining to do; and not just about recent events, either. I kept silent.
"If you don't come home, then I'm coming there!" She threatened. I blanched.
"You can't!" I blurted out, before my brain could clarify what I wanted to say. I clamped my hand over my mouth, trying to hold back the stupidity of my words, but-as usual- that didn't happen.
"And why not?" She demanded. Great. She'd be more determined then ever to come now.
"Because… there's some highly sensitive experiments going on," I bluffed. "One more variable in the mix wouldn't be good for them, you know?"
"How is that possible, when you just got back?" She asked. My mother was way too suspicious for her own good. "Something like that would take time to set up, wouldn't it?"
"Look, you just can't come, ok?" I snapped. But I knew it was futile; my mom was going to come to Stark Tower, and only the might of the NYPD itself would be able to drag her away. But an incident like that might get us back on S.H.I.E.L.D's radar. We had enough to deal with without adding them into the mix. I slapped my hand to my forehead. I just got up from a week-long coma; I did not need this.
"Look, I'll try and visit you soon, ok?"
"That's not good enough. I need a day."
I glared at the phone, picking it up and miming throwing it against the wall, then crunching the little pieces to dust under my feet. Once my little fit was complete, I ran my hand through my hair and said, in a hopefully-calm voice, "Not everything needs to be scheduled, mom."
"This does."
I took a deep breath. That was my mother; she absolutely needed everything to be worked on a schedule, and she always neededto keep tothat schedule. And woe to anyone who ever canceled an appointment in their life; it was the 'height of discourtesy' to cancel or reschedule anything.
"Fine," I said slowly. "All right. Let me check my schedule, and I'll get back to you later today. All right?"
She didn't sound too happy, but she agreed. "Very well." I hung up, a pit in my stomach. I felt like cussing Loki out for a few minutes; which I did, because it made me feel a lot better, even though he wasn't directly responsible for this problem. No, wait, that was a lie. He was directly responsible for almost every problem in my life right now.
But cussing him out wasn't going to get me very far with what I had planned; and I needed all the help I could get. Feeling incredibly glum and knowing that I was going to pay very dearly for what I was about to do, I walked out of the room. The other Avengers were scattered about in the next room; with Tony blatantly eavesdropping.
"So how are you supposed to visit her?" He asked me. I glared at him; there is no such thing as 'privacy' in Stark Tower.
"I have a plan," I answered breezily. I did not mention that the plan I had was incredibly stupid and I should be smacked in the head with a brick for even thinking it. Hopefully that would knock the stupid right out of me; but as no bricks came at the moment, I stayed standing tall.
"Good luck with that," Tony said, rolling his eyes. I got the impression I was being dismissed; he turned away from me. The two of us needed to have a serious talk, but now really wasn't the time. I looked at the other Avengers; most of them were eyeing me, seeing what I was going to do. I turned away and went to my room, not bothering to say anything. I didn't think they'd go along with this plan, anyway.
I took the elevator to my room, then sat down in one of the chairs. I took a deep, shaking breath; I'd never tried this before, but given my 'new' link with Loki, I figured it was just possible. I focused my thoughts on the whispers in the back of my brain; but instead of looking around like last time, I simply whispered back something of my own.
Yo. Norse god of crazy. We need to talk.
Yeah. I don't learn.
To be honest, I wasn't sure it was going to work. After a few moments with no response, I sighed and tried again, a little more politely this time.
Please, Loki?
There was a silent moment; and then I blinked. When my eyes opened again, Loki was standing in front of me, leaning casually against the wall directly opposite me.
"Good girl," he said, smiling at me. He was smiling again, at least. Even if it was one of those arrogant, irritating smiles, it was better then that murderous rage that had made him throw me into a nightmare for a week. "You're learning."
"Slowly," I said with a shrug, doing my best to keep his words from making me angry. Trying to choke him out was not my best option at this point. Loki gave me that knowing grin of his, that eternal twinkle in his eye… He'd been listening. Like he always listened.
I sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of my nose and closing my eyes so that I wouldn't have to look at his smug face. "Look. You know why I'm here."
"I do," he admitted. "I'm surprised you were brave enough to come."
"Yeah, well, bravery and stupidity are often confused for each other," I retorted. I still couldn't look at him. "What's it gonna take to get you to agree?"
"What makes you think that I ever would?"
I heaved a sigh, looking to him at last. "Because you don't want my mom involved in this; not yet, at least. She's a piece that you're saving for the endgame, am I right?"
His smile grew a touch. "Perhaps."
"That's a yes, then," I said confidently. He didn't contradict me. "Look. This is my mother. She's not involved in any of this superhero, save-and-destroy-the-world crap. She's just… normal. And I'd like to keep her outta the loop, if you know what I'm saying." He tilted his head to the side very slightly. "I'm not asking much. I just want one day. One day away from the crazy. I don't think you'll be that adverse to it; you've got to give a person time to recover just a little if you want them to go really nuts, right? Because then they begin to hope that it's over, right?" I looked at him, trying to convince myself as much as him. He kept smiling at me.
"Perhaps," he said again.
I scowled at him, then smoothed out my face as quick as I could. I had to get on his good side. I had to keep my temper in check. "So what's it going to take?" I tried to keep the bite out of my words. It didn't really work out.
But Loki didn't seem to mind my suppressed hostility. In fact, he seemed rather amused by it; or maybe by how hard I was trying to keep it hidden. I sensed a plan forming in his mind, the whispers in the back of my own becoming more restless. I glared at him.
"And yes," I added, "That is out of the question."
He smiled at me again. "Just a thought," he said innocently.
My eyes narrowed, and he chuckled quietly. "When you do destroy the Avengers for me, Miss Frost, there will be a little more incentive then this."
I plastered a big, fake grin on my face. "So you've said," I answered. I couldn't resist adding, "Frequently."
His eyes met mine, twinkling roguishly. But I shivered; despite how he was still smiling arrogantly, despite how he seemed to be back to his old, normal, annoying self… There was something off in his eyes. He was still angry with me. Furious at what I'd done.
My own eyes softened a touch. "You've already settled your score with me, Loki," I said gently, my hands automatically reaching out towards him. I pulled them back and, unsure of where to put them, I clasped them together behind my back. "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry before you'll hear it?"
He looked away. He seemed a little unsettled by the change in subject, but answered anyway. "It is not a matter of your apologies. You were disrespectful, and you were punished. The matter has been settled, you are correct; and I do not see why you still wish to discuss it."
Hmm. He'd gotten a bit stiffer, more formal. He didn't want to talk about this; at all. "Because you're still mad at me," I said, leaning back in my chair. I studied him for a moment; he hadn't responded. "I really hit deep, didn't I?"
Again, no response. I sighed. I'd apologized for this before; many times. Mostly in dreams, but as Loki was the one manipulating those dreams, he certainly got the message. "I'm sorry," I said again. "But you're not exactly the kindest person yourself, here."
His gaze whipped to me. "I do not have to be kind to you," He sneered. Yep. There was the anger again. Always just under the surface, ready to explode. I held my hands up partway, almost in surrender. I couldn't help myself; I wanted to probe deeper into this. I wanted to help him. And yet I knew he couldn't be helped; not yet, at the very least.
Seriously. Psych-crack. If the Avengers were bad, it was nothing compared to their enemies.
The two of us were silent for a long time. Finally, Loki turned away from me. I could still see his eyes in the mirror on the other side of the room, so… cold.
"I have no need for any of your promises. And I have no need of you… for now." He stood a little straighter, more determined. "You have twenty-four hours." I looked up, surprised, and he glanced over his shoulder at me. "You were right. Your mother is not a necessary factor at this time."
I couldn't help the wild grin that spread across my face; but I smothered it in a moment, clearing my throat to seem more 'dignified'. "You swear?"
He looked at me in distaste, as though I was a little kid asking to play peek-a-boo. But, after sighing and rolling his eyes, he nodded.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking: well, that means a lot. And I'm sure you're thinking it with a lot of very heavy sarcasm. It was exactly what I would've thought. But here's the thing: ever since I discovered that this little telepathic 'mind-meld' works between both of us, it's become a lot easier to tell when he was lying to me. I can't tell everything, I can't always read his mind, and he can keep things hidden from me, but part of my 'plan' included that he had to let me make sure. So as he nodded his head, he allowed me a moment to check.
And he was being totally sincere. He vanished a moment later, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it exit (as in, I actually blinked and missed it), so he didn't see my embarrassingly large grin.
Twenty-four hours of normalcy.
Now to see if the Avengers would agree…
