Chapter Seven

There was a lingering feeling following Kayla throughout her next days. It rose from the pit of her stomach and tangled in her lungs, squeezing and pulling mercilessly. It was a hazy agitation in her mind and kept her up at night. It was so bad, she would have to take breaks at work, get outside and take a few deep breaths.

Panic. Confusion. Restlessness.

Something in her felt unsettled.

And seeing as Kayla had a very busy and overwhelming weekend, she mostly attributed all these feelings to that. She tried her best to go about her days, trying to tell herself it was all going to go back to normal, but she couldn't shake it off. She didn't want to see anyone, not even Lily or Hugo, and definitely not Al. It was as though she was a bit trapped in a haze.

By Wednesday night, she was exhausted from not sleeping at night and working full shifts during the day.

Kayla was swallowing down her meagre dinner and trying to ignore her painful stomach when Lily and Hugo entered the flat that Wednesday night. Her first clue that something was off was that they weren't speaking at all – something very rare between Lily and Hugo, as they were always arguing about something or another.

Her second clue was when they marched straight into the kitchen together. Hugo regularly raided their kitchen, but Lily rarely ever felt hungry enough to ignore her and head straight to the kitchen. Still, Kayla figured they were probably hungry – it was dinnertime.

Her third clue was whispers coming from the kitchen as soon as they'd reached there. Kayla was not in full hearing range, of course, as she was seated in the living room, but she could still vaguely hear their arguing through heated whispers.

Sadly, she was too sleepy to catch onto any clues, not until they were standing in front of her a few minutes later, a mug of tea in hand.

"Kayla," Lily said, putting the steaming tea down on the coffee table in front of her. "We've noticed you've been a little down lately. We're worried about you."

She stared up at her two best friends; she was startled they'd noticed anything at all.

"You haven't been down at The Leaky Cauldron for three days," Hugo explained gently, sitting down beside her. Lily took the seat on Kayla's other side and put a hand on her shoulder.

"You've barely been eating," Lily said, gesturing to Kayla's half-eaten sandwich she was having difficulty finishing. "I think I heard you vomiting last night."

Kayla's cheeks reddened immediately. "I thought you were asleep."

"What's wrong?" Hugo asked, looking nervous. "I think we upset you this weekend and you're avoiding us."

"What – no, of course not!" Kayla sputtered. Which was true. She knew she'd been quiet lately, but she would never avoid her best friends.

On purpose, anyway.

"Is it about Kevin?" Lily asked worriedly, chewing her lip and tightening her grip on Kayla's shoulder. "I was honestly so stupid to date him after knowing how you felt."

Kayla had a strange feeling then, as if she wanted to shake Lily off and actually talk to her about it – maybe even become upset with her. But it was six months too late to tell her how she really felt, and she didn't really see the use in upsetting Lily so soon after a break up. Especially when she didn't have feelings for Kevin, and so clearly had feelings for Lily's older brother.

"It's not about Kevin," Kayla reassured her, but shrugged off Lily's hand anyway. Just then, an owl tapped at the living room window.

"That's the ministry owl," Lily said, sounding annoyed as she let the owl in. She looked back apologetically at Kayla and Hugo. "I'll just be a second to reply this, okay?"

As Lily hurried into her room to scribble back a reply, Hugo nudged Kayla and lowered his voice. "Al's been asking about you. He's worried he scared you off."

"He didn't," she said tiredly, putting her socked feet up on the couch and hugging her knees to her chest. "I really like him. I've just been sick these past few days."

"I think you should talk to him."

"I will," she said in a small voice. "I think I've been feeling very unsettled about everything that happened this weekend."

"Did he…" Hugo hesitated. "Did he do anything?"

"No, of course not." She rested her chin on her knees, feeling a little breathless again. She focused on one spot in front of her, which usually helped. "He's been wonderful. This has nothing to do with him."

"Maybe it's why you almost cancelled your date with Al?" he suggested.

She inhaled and exhaled deeply before replying. "Maybe."

"Was it…" Hugo was struggling for words, sounding guiltier as he spoke. "Was it me? Did I push you too much?"

"I dunno." The owl was hooting softly on the windowsill.

"Are you angry with me?"

Kayla shook her head, wishing she could curl up and sleep. "I'm not. I promise."

Lily came back into the room, rolling up her parchment and her fingers were smudged from writing quickly. "I'm so sorry, Kayla, I hate when they do this…" She tied the parchment quickly to the owl's leg and it flew out the open window.

"I know what happened," Hugo said painfully, speaking to Lily. "It was me. I was being a dick."

"You're not a dick," Kayla said, a little too loudly. Lily sat down again and Kayla was still staring in one spot. "I'm not upset with anyone. I've been sick."

"Well…" Lily was struggling for words, now. "You haven't been sleeping. And you're barely eating. And you don't want to talk at all."

Kayla felt like walls were closing in on her. She'd never been particularly claustrophobic, but suddenly, she felt trapped and couldn't breathe. She didn't want to be in this conversation, because she really had to face what she was avoiding thinking about for the past six years.

"Kayla," Lily said softly. She felt hands – Lily's – taking gentle hold of her own hands. She suddenly realized she'd been digging her nails into her knees. She was shaking a little.

"Breathe," Hugo whispered. His voice felt far away.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Kayla heard herself saying. Everything felt out of body and she was far away, floating and about to fall. She knew she was gripping Lily's hands too tightly, but she couldn't stop. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."

Hugo and Lily exchanged glances. "Like what?" Hugo asked.

"Like this." A lump had formed in her throat as she broke her gaze from the one spot and looked around. The walls weren't closing in anymore, but every inch of her flat felt like the enemy. "I didn't want to be in my parents' old flat. I didn't want to be single and alone. I didn't want to work at Slug & Jiggers."

"You could always quit," Lily suggested reluctantly.

"But I like it now!" Kayla told them, trying to swallow. "I like my job and I like my life, but bloody hell, but it so boring."

She wasn't sure the last time Hugo and Lily had seen her like this. It must have been at Hogwarts, though the years were blurry. She was normally so good at controlling her emotions, and she never wanted to burden her friends with anything.

"I didn't want to stop growing my plants," she whispered, thinking of the sad tiny plants sitting lonely on her windowsill. "I love them. And I wanted to study so much more. And I wanted –" She looked at Lily properly, suddenly feeling so immensely guilty that tears welled up in her eyes. "I wanted to go to Paris with you."

Lily had been shattered when Kayla broke their plans to travel after school ended, but ultimately, had been understanding of what she was going through. Lily's hands squeezed Kayla's tightly in understanding. "I know. So did I."

She looked to Hugo. "And then, I guess when you started this whole 'change my life' thing, it triggered something. It made me realize how scared I am all the time."

He looked very sad. "I know. I've been wanting you to realize it for years, but…" He shrugged. "I thought you needed time. And then too much time passed by."

Kayla wiped a few stray tears. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."

"We're here for you," Lily said quietly before wrapping her arms around Kayla's shoulders. Hugo joined in, hugging her from the other side. "We don't want you to feel like you have to deal with this alone."

"I'm just being stupid."

"You're not," Hugo said, his voice muffled in her shoulder. "We're going to go to the open mic with you this Friday."

"I'm not going to perform."

"You don't have to," he assured her. "We can just watch it together."

"And tonight, we're going to help you bring home some plants and that dragon dung fertilizer you love so much," Lily declared, kissing the top of her head. Hugo groaned and Kayla and Lily began to laugh, causing shaking between their prolonged group hug.

"We are going to take you to that Herbology Warehouse," Hugo said as they dissembled their hug. "I hope you realize how big a sacrifice this is."

"I know," Kayla said, still smiling as she wiped her eyes.

"That place literally smells like Macmillan's armpit."

Lily smacked Hugo in the arm, and they all were laughing again.

They'd been friends for so many years, and somehow, Kayla managed to forget how much her friends cared about her. Perhaps she felt things had changed when they'd all begun to hang around with Rose, Scorpius and Al. Perhaps she felt that she was entering adulthood, and she needed to deal with things headstrong and on her own.

But maybe she was wrong. Maybe things hadn't needed to change that much after all.

That night, Kayla slept like the dead.


The unsettledness was slowly untwisting itself, though not entirely.

Together, Kayla, Lily and Hugo had dragged a couple of plants and supplies back to Kayla's room. They shoved her bed and dresser to the side of the room to set up planters in front of her window. It was so long since she'd properly worked on growing plants, she felt that planting the seeds was almost foreign.

Hugo and Lily, proving themselves as Best Friends Ever, went to the bookshop without Kayla on Thursday and bought her a surprise gift: Winogrand's Wondrous Water Plants. She drooled over this Herbology book that her father owned and thumbed through his copy, but never read it in full. It was quite expensive, so she knew they'd really been thoughtful in their purchase.

They'd also bought her a new notebook, as Lily noticed Kayla's old notebook was nearly falling apart. Her friends seemed very determined that she continued writing, as they'd seen her dissolve into the pages before, and Kayla was grateful. The notebook was bound in beautiful brown leather.

Early Friday morning at work, she was writing poem couplets when she heard the door open. The bell jingled and she looked up to see Al, holding two cups of coffees from Rosa Lee Teabag.

"Hello," she greeted, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu. Unlike the last time Albus had brought her coffee, his expression was carefully controlled as he came up to the counter.

"Hi," he greeted, putting their coffees down in front of her. "It's nice to see you."

She bit her lip. He was being so polite, but she much rather Al be his normal, cheery self. "I wanted to owl you. I was sick, and then it felt too late –"

"It's okay," he interrupted, leaning his elbows down at the counter. "Hugo told me you were having a very difficult week."

Kayla struggled; this was why she didn't contact Al in the first place. Everything about the romantic side of their relationship was too new to bother with complicated issues. "I'm so sorry."

He paused, clearly thinking. "I want you to answer the last question from our date."

"I asked you why you asked me out," she recounted slowly.

"Right." He gave her a small smile. "So why did you say yes?"

She was really hoping she wouldn't have to answer that.

And was very thankful she was working alone that day and Kevin or Mr. Jiggers couldn't overhear.

"I just thought you were sincere," she stammered, feeling hot in her cheeks. "I mean, I could say you're fit and that would be true, but I just thought we got along. You're so patient, even when you don't have to be." She was rambling and feeling embarrassed with every word she spoke. "I guess I just – I thought I fancied you. And I wanted to make sure."

"And did you?" he asked teasingly, but his eyes were serious.

"Yes," she said. Her voice sounded much stronger than she felt.

He sighed. "I was really worried I did something wrong this week. Normally, if you don't talk to each other for five full days after the first date, that's not a good sign."

Kayla looked away, feeling like she wanted to sink into the ground. "I'm sorry, Al."

"But Hugo told me you couldn't sleep or eat or anything," he continued, taking her hand. "I want to be understanding, okay? You just have to tell me. An owl. Something."

She watched his hand holding hers. His hands were bigger than hers, a little bonier and felt incredibly warm, despite the cool rainy weather outside. His fingers weaved through hers and held tightly.

"You don't have to talk to me about those things," he added, avoiding her eyes. "I know this is all new for us. But I am hoping you'd eventually want to."

"I don't think I have to tell you this is odd for me," she said quietly. "My last relationship wasn't based on anything remotely solid. He didn't want to hear about anything I cared about."

He shrugged, looking at their entwined hands. "I care."

Kayla thought it was so strange that after the years they'd known each other, she still knew so little about him. She didn't know his favourite colour or his favourite book. She didn't know how he could care about her when they didn't know what this was besides one first date.

And still, he was standing in front of her, asking for 'something'.

Kayla then remembered about what Lily said about her – Kayla gave, didn't take. She wasn't sure if she was taking from Al, but maybe she needed to give. Just the way she did with Lily or Hugo.

After realizing this, she didn't have to think very long. She crossed the counter to the front and threw her arms around him. He stumbled back a step in surprise, but wrapped his arms around her immediately, holding her close.

"Things have been really confusing lately," she whispered against his chest.

"I know."

"Nothing in my head is making sense." He held her a little tighter, and she couldn't help feeling so warm inside. Something uncoiling. "I think you just have bad timing."

Al chuckled and released their hug to look at her properly. "You mean 'we', don't you?"

"We," she repeated in agreement. He smiled at her, and she knew he'd forgiven her.

And before she knew it, she was telling him about the new plants she'd gotten and their different properties. She knew he was probably only listened with half interest, but there was something inside her that was urging her to let him in. He seemed extremely pleased as she went on, even if he didn't say much.

She really hoped she was going in the right direction this time.


Her new journal felt a bit like Kayla's safety blanket that night. Hugo and Lily, true to their word, met her at Rosa Lee Teabag for the open mic and joined her table when signup was nearly over. Lily chuckled when she saw her with her notebook, not writing but just holding it protectively.

"Just relax," she said, rolling her eyes. "We're not making you go up there."

"Yet," Hugo added.

"Shut up," Kayla whispered, hugging her notebook to her chest. She felt like a pubescent teenager again, she was so nervous. At least when she was at the open mic the previous week, they didn't have to see her panicking.

"It's not a very big stage," Lily commented, but it didn't make Kayla feel any better.

"Maybe you could make notes," Hugo suggested cautiously, pushing her notebook down onto the table. "I dunno what you'd write about, but I'm sure there would be some poetry you'd like at this thing."

Kayla stopped to think at this. She hadn't really thought of the actual poetry being performed – just that she really hated the idea of going up on stage. She leaned forward in her chair, suddenly intrigued.

The crowd she'd seen the week before was mostly the same, give or take a few wizards and witches. The guest speaker was someone different, and Kayla didn't recognize her. She had long black hair with grey streaks and wore leather boots up to her knees. She sat to the side of the stage, chatting with the same blonde-haired emcee she'd seen before.

She could see Lily and Hugo stifling yawns as the show began, but Kayla was captivated. One man who must have been around her age went first. He was dressed in a long, black trench coat and his long bangs hid his face as he recited his poem. It was about his longing for a relationship with his younger sibling, who he'd never been allowed to meet thanks to terrible family relations.

Many poets stood out to her: an old man and his recount of life; a young girl who definitely just graduated Hogwarts, speaking about rape; a woman who told them all how she was a Squib and loved her life.

The crowd was supportive, like a large, unknown family. Like the world outside was cruel and unforgiving but in that space, in that moment, she felt the empathy.

Kayla could never imagine what it would be like to step in front a large crowd and announce her innermost thoughts to them like that. She'd had such a hard doing so with Al, and she'd known him since they were young kids. To share her secrets in a spotlight – it was unthinkable.

And yet, all these poets were doing it.

Suddenly, every individual who went up there seemed brave beyond measure. The ones with trembling hands, the ones with tears in their eyes, the ones who were clearly a little inebriated, the ones who stood at the microphone and literally swallowed the fear in their throats, and spoke.

Kayla wanted to be brave.

She'd never wanted anything so badly before.

The guest poet – her name was Emma Nightingale – went last, performing her own, professionally published poetry. She was, of course, the best speaker by far. Each gesture and word seemed perfectly timed in her exact intention.

Kayla was captured by her last poem. Emma Nightingale took a moment before performing – closing her eyes, a deep breath that seemed to fill the room – and the pause instilled her interest. Her words felt directly spoken to Kayla, even if she knew that was absolutely ridiculous, she felt it wrap around her heart and tug.

The poem was about the sacrifices Emma Nightingale had made. She had left her life at home, feeling stifled and exhausted, and ventured out. She felt thirsty for something she'd never had and didn't know what it was. Yet, she went to the unknown, thinking she was searching for herself.

Ultimately, she'd realized she was craving for maturity. She decided to help herself develop in the best way possible: to do the things that scared her most.

Kayla had been scratching notes all night – a line she loved here and there, thematic ideas she thought she'd try – but she'd been too awestruck to write anything about this particular poem. She didn't think she could ever forget it, anyway.

When the lights came up, Hugo and Lily immediately got up, stretching their legs. Kayla felt as though she was in a trance. Her friends could tell something was different, as they frowned at her when she didn't stand up. Hugo waved a hand in front of Kayla's face, and she wrinkled her nose.

Lily was more sympathetic. "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm fine," she said, blinking a few times to feel normal. And oddly, she felt more normal and calm than she had in a while.

She looked up at Lily. "Can you teach me how to fly?"

"What?" Hugo exclaimed, flabbergasted. Lily looked equally surprised, but recovered quickly and launched herself at Kayla in an excited hug. And then they were giggling together as Lily started talking about different brooms and techniques.

Hugo, however, was still staring at Kayla as though she'd lost her mind.

And she knew why; he'd tried to teach her to fly more times than they could count, but she'd never been able to get a broom two feet off the ground. He'd been witness to more than several flying-induced panic attacks. He was staring at her in guilt and worry.

Something inside did feel changed. The unsettled feeling was still there, but it didn't feel heavy and angry anymore. She felt free and determined, but so far away from what she wanted.

The twisted tangling inside her felt like charged, white-hot wires.