Special thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter! I would list you all but I'm at work and I'm about to get caught. HA!AN: Well, folks, this one came out of nowhere. I sat down and intended to write one thing and it came out completely different. I hope you enjoy it.
Kate Beckett was dazed, both literally and figuratively. She was still attached to a morphine pump which she tried very hard not to use; but found it impossible to avoid completely. The pain in her chest still radiated out in waves from the site of the wound. She would reach the end of her medication cycle and literally be forced to push the small button that controlled her medicine. Every time, she would try and fight the need to get rid of the pain with the strong cocktail. Every time, her blood pressure rose and her heart rate sped up to a level that the doctors and nurses deemed "unsafe." So, she was dazed by the medicine that they kept her on. It made her feel "floaty" and "cloudy." It made her feel like she had no control over her mind and body and she hated that.
The other reason she was dazed was from Castle's confession the previous night. He loved her. So many people had told her that he loved her over the course of their relationship that she knew it before he had admitted it himself. She was a detective; of course she knew but she didn't want to face it. Castle was right; she was scared of being happy. Happiness had always ended in tragedy for her and she was afraid that this would be no different. However, lying in a hospital bed after almost dying all doped up, she found that she had a hard time fighting the obvious: She loved Richard Castle back.
She was propped up against a few pillows dozing in and out of sleep. The orderlies had her out of bed and walking a bit and it had left her exhausted and hurting. Castle tried to keep the mood light as she shuffled down the hallway and back uneasily, but she could see that it hurt him to see her struggling; it hurt her too. She was used to being nearly invincible, but now she was nearly incapacitated. She knew she was lucky to be alive, that everything would eventually heal and she would be the unstoppable force she was only two weeks prior, but it was a long road to that future point.
Kate woke up to the sounds of Temptation Lane playing on the small television in the corner. Watching absentmindedly was Alexis Castle. Alexis had been by once before, that Beckett remembered, but she it was just after she woke up to deliver some sustenance to her father. Frankly, Kate didn't remember even talking to the girl, if she did at all; she'd squeezed the red-head's hand and gave her a small smile before losing consciousness again. She hated that Alexis had been in the cemetery that day. She hated that the young girl had been witness to her near-death. She hated that she had been the one to take away the innocence that Alexis had always radiated.
"Alexis?" Kate asked, looking around the room for any more of the Castles.
"It's just me here." Alexis clarified. "I sent Dad home to get some sleep and clean himself up. I'm sure you were just as tired as I was of seeing him grow that patchy beard. I assured I'd call if anything came up."
"Thank You, Lex." Kate croaked through a pain-killer induced dry throat. "I've been trying to get him to spend time at home for days."
"I know." She stated, moving to a chair next to Kate's bed. "I'm sorry I haven't been by." She said guiltily, looking at her hands.
"I understand." Kate replied, "You don't need to worry about that, Alexis… What you saw… Well, I'm sorry, too."
Alexis reached over and poured a cup of water from the pitcher next to her. She placed a straw in the cup before bringing it to the detective's lips. Kate hesitated for a second before drinking.
"Thank You." Kate smiled as Alexis placed the cup back down.
"You know it's ridiculous, right?" Alexis asked
"What is?"
"Apologizing for getting shot." The young girl stated matter-of-factly. "Nothing about what happened in that cemetery was your fault."
"That's not true." Kate shook her head. "Your Dad asked me to walk away. He knew - we both knew-this was a possibility."
Beckett didn't know what was coming over her. She shouldn't be discussing this with Castle's daughter. Alexis wasn't someone that she wanted to see her dark-side, but the girl's pleading eyes coupled with the medication was making her loose-lipped.
"You… you knew that you were going to get shot?" Alexis asked, dumb-founded.
"No!" Beckett defended, "I mean, I didn't know this was going to happen. I thought it was over after… what happened."
"I don't understand."
"Alexis, this is a hard thing to explain." Kate sighed. "It's been just me for so long that I wasn't thinking about other people. I thought I was ready to die for a chance at catching the person responsible for killing my mother. I tried to go after some pretty dangerous people."
"You were ready to…" Alexis looked at Kate incredulously. "How could you even consider that?"
"Alexis, I never said it was rational."
"Do you know how many people…? Did you even think about any of us?" Alexis raged, tears filling her eyes. "My Dad, he was a wreck. He still is a wreck. Lanie, the boys, your Dad, Gram, ME?"
"Alexis, I'm sorry." Kate closed her eyes. "I was foolish. I didn't think…"
"No, Detective Beckett, you didn't think."
Kate found herself breaking her gaze under the red-head's fiery glare. She felt thoroughly put in her place. She was foolish and it nearly got her killed. It was bad enough that she had to silently blame herself for Montgomery's death, now she had the guilt of inflicting pain on her friends.
"Kate?" Alexis asked, leaning over and grabbing one of her hands and grasping it tightly.
"Yeah?" Kate looked back up, surprised at the gesture.
"I'm really glad you're okay." She smiled. "I don't know what my Dad would have done without you… what any of us would have done. I saw you get shot and it was awful. I can't stop seeing it." Alexis admitted. "That's why I haven't been here. When I looked at you the first time I came in, all I could see was you lying on the grass."
"Oh, Alexis." Kate lamented, "I'm so sorry. I would give anything so that you didn't have to witness that."
"It's not that." Alexis replied. "You're more than just someone my Dad follows around for work. You're more than just a cop. You're part of our family now, Kate, and when you were lying there…"
"Alexis…" Kate whispered as the girl trailed off, "I'm not going anywhere."
"How can you be so sure?"
Kate thought for a minute before she gave Alexis an answer. She wouldn't lie to her. The pain was creeping back into her chest and radiating out. She knew that she didn't have much time until the nurses were on her for not using her medicine regularly, but she needed to assuage Alexis's fears.
"Listen, I'm not going to quit my job." She said. "It's dangerous but usually I'm careful. I said before that I thought I was ready to die for a chance to get my mother's killer, but I was so very wrong. Don't take that the wrong way, I still want to find the person responsible, but the last thing that my mother would have wanted was for me to give up my present and future for my past."
Alexis smiled through tear-filled eyes at the detective. She knew what Kate was saying. She was saying that the Castles were part of that future that she spoke of. Before she could say anything else, a machine to her right started beeping furiously.
"Kate?" Alexis asked, panicked.
"It's okay. It's nothing, I'm just late on my medicine and my blood-pressure is going up." Kate soothed, reaching for the control of the morphine pump.
"You're in pain?" Alexis asked, handing her the device.
Before Kate could answer, a grumpy looking nurse entered the room.
"Detective Beckett…. Still being stubborn, I see?"
Kate smiled at her, "No, just got lost in a conversation. Don't worry, I just pressed it, I should be drugged into submission in no time."
"Good, just the way us nurses like it." The older nurse winked at the two women and turned to leave the room. "Oh, remember that you have physical therapy in an hour."
"Joy." Kate dead-panned watching the chuckling nurse exit and turning back to the youngest Castle beside her.
Beckett studied the young girl before her. Alexis was chewing on her thumbnail and looking at her with wide-blue eyes. It seemed as if the girl had aged at least ten years since the last time she had seen her. Kate knew that it was her fault and she hated herself for it.
"Alexis, what's wrong?"
"Are you in a lot of pain, Kate?" She asked, shyly.
"That's a pretty loaded question, Lex." Beckett laughed humorlessly. "Physically? Yes, it hurts but the morphine helps with that. Emotionally? Mentally? I'm in agony thinking of all the people that have suffered in the last few days because of me. I'm in complete shock that the Captain is gone and someone deliberately planned on killing me. So, yeah, the pain is definitely there."
"Yeah." Alexis confirmed, a heavy frown upon her face. "Thank you for not lying to me. I'm not as much of a child as some people think."
"I wish you were, Alexis." Kate stated. "You don't deserve to know this side of life yet."
"Neither did you when you were my age."
"Very true." Beckett laughed. "What's say you and I watch some Temptation Lane before they come to torture me again?"
"I'd like that." Alexis smiled and turned the volume up on the television. They sat in a brief comfortable silence before Alexis interrupted. "Are you talking about the Physical Therapy people or my Dad?"
Beckett laughed at the young girl's wit and cringed a little bit at the action, clutching a hand to her wound for stability.
"Both, Alexis… Definitely both."
