The walls of the apartment surrounded her with memories. There first kiss in their new home. The bed they slept in together every night for nearly a year. The bathroom that had smelled of his cologne every morning after he left for work. The couch where they had spent countless late nights cuddled up with each other pretending to watch some pointless movie, when really they could only focus on one and other. The kitchen table, where she broke the news of their impending parenthood over a dinner from Chinese take-out containers. And of course, the blood stained carpet holding the very last time they would be in the same home, the very last time one of them would take a breath in the presence of the other. There was no escape from everything they had done together in the small space. Every square inch of the apartment held a moment shared between them. She felt like she needed to scrub the house clean with bleach to clear out all the memories, to make her forget the horror that had played out in their home.

Their home.

It would always be their home.

Olivia sat on the edge of their bed, the haunting images and scenes playing through her head like a sad song on repeat. She needed to get ready. She needed to be there, not matter how much she despised the idea and wished to do nothing more than spend another day under the covers of their bed, in one of his old, oversized t-shirts protecting her from ever forgetting what he meant to her. But she knew that wasn't an option.

But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't pick herself, get to her feet, or force herself to be ready for an event that she would only be more depressing than any of the other days since that day.

That day.

That day would always be the worst of her life, the most traumatic.

She thought she had dealt with it all after her undercover operation at Sealview, after Elliot left her without a partner, and after Lewis had done everything that was so unthinkably horrible to her. But no. There was always something worse, wasn't there? Why should she get to finally have a small, simple happily ever after? The world obviously thought she wasn't deserving and that she would probably never be.

Never.

There were so many things that would never happen again.

He would never walk through the door after a long day and smile at her because he was happy to see her waiting for his return. He would never hold his strong arms around her and pull her close after she had a nightmare that left her breathless and shaking. He would never stand behind her and plant small kisses along her neck and shoulders while she attempted to make dinner, distracting her with his soft touch. He would never walk through the apartment door, again. He would never lie on his side of the bed ever again. He would never look into her eyes again. He would never take another breath. And she would never get the chance to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

A soft tap on her bedroom door broke her from her thoughts, the only thing she had left of Brian, but she didn't move, didn't even turn to look at the door.

She knew it was Nick wondering if she was getting any closer to being ready or if she needed any help or if there was anything he could possibly do to console her broken heart. But there was nothing anybody could do. Nick had been there for her and she knew she should have been more appreciative, but she just wanted to be alone, to take her own time dealing with the personal tragedy.

"Liv?" Nick's voice sounded through the door.

But she still didn't reply. Instead she finally got up from the bed and moved to the bathroom. She couldn't avoid getting ready any longer and she wanted to look at least half-way decent, so everyone didn't have to know how much she was struggling to handle the tragedy.

An hour later, Olivia emerged from her room, make up on, hair done, dressed, and still not ready to leave. Nothing would ever make her ready to go, so instead she had to force herself because she knew how horrible it would look if she didn't show up.

Nick looked up from where he sat on a chair in the living room. "You, okay?"

"Fine." Olivia said brusquely. "Let's go."

With a nod, Nick didn't say anything else in the apartment or during the whole ride to the memorial service. He knew he would get only one word responses, if he got any response at all. But he understood. It had only been a week since the shooting and she was in a fragile state; she wasn't a woman you could push, she would only talk when she was ready. And even though Nick knew how strong she was, he wasn't sure that she could handle this.

When they finally arrived, both Liv and Nick were happy to get out of the car and escape the awkward silence.

Fin, Amanda, Munch, and even Cragen, who had been called by both Nick and Fin because they knew Olivia would need him, met the pair at the car. But Liv said nothing to any of them. She walked next to them as they entered the building, but she had nothing to say and she was too close to having a break down at just the thought of Brian that she couldn't talk about him out loud.

As soon as they entered, the sea of black began to suffocate her. The depressed color made her feel like she couldn't breathe. Everyone was there to remember the man she loved and they shouldn't be. No one should be celebrating his life. No one should need to.

And that was the only thought going through Olivia's head as she sat through the worst hour and fifteen minutes of her life. Listening to all of his friends speak of his accomplishments as an officer and what a great man he would always be remembered as. Then his sister spoke, with tears welling up in her eyes and the obvious lump in her throat making it hard for her to speak, but she still found a way to tell everyone just how "incredible" and "caring" her brother had been. His mom spoke last and then Olivia almost lost it. She had been the one person who had reached out to Liv in the last week; she was just as heart broken, if not more heart broken then Olivia was. And the sadness she felt was evident in every word she spoke about what a wonderful son Brian had been and how selfless he was and finally, the worst part for Liv, what a great father he would have been.

"Would have been" because he was never going to get to meet his son or daughter.

With the speaking finally ending the service, Olivia was the first to get up and leave. She couldn't sit in there, waiting for everyone to come see her and give her their condolences. Even though she knew it was probably rude that she couldn't look anyone in the eye or listen to people tell her how much they would miss him, she couldn't stop herself from leaving.

Cragen followed her immediately outside. It was chilly, but he found her sitting on the steps in front, her head in her hands. He went to her and sat down next to her, but he said nothing. He didn't need to; he just knew that she didn't need to be alone.

But Liv shocked him by talking first. "I need to go say good bye to Evelyn." Brian's mom. "But then will you take me home, please?"

"Of course." Cragen would do just about anything she asked for. He wanted nothing more than to be there for her.

After what was the hardest encounter Olivia and ever had with Brian's mom, she was back in the car, this time with Cragen. But it was less awkward with Cragen; something about sitting with the older man she had known for fourteen years was comfortable.

Comfortable enough that she finally talked about it. "Do you think it's ever going to get better?"

Cragen sighed as he pulled into the parking spot in front of Liv's building. "I know right now it doesn't seem like anything will ever be better. But it will get easier, it'll get better."

"I just… I wish I could have said goodbye." And the tears she had held back all day were finally falling down Liv's cheeks.

*Reviews, please!*