January 1998
Mt. Clemens, Michigan
Dear Mati,
You will be happy to know that I went to church on Christmas Eve. Several of us from the night shift went after work together. It was a good thing to do with friends, Mati. It made my family seem closer to me. And it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I was surrounded by memories as I expected to be...but they were good ones. Afterwards I went back to the hospital and slept in the call room so I would be there for the morning shift. Not a bad way to spend a holiday when you are the new guy in town. They had a wonderful food buffet in the cafeteria so I had a good dinner. And it was a pretty slow day. Christmas Eve seemed to be much busier.
I am amazed at how much there is to do in this new place. I have been skiing pretty regularly. One of the guys in surgery at the hospital lives on a huge farm and invited me to cross country ski there as much as I want. Sometimes I go after working a night shift and it's so refreshing to get out of doors and play after being at the hospital all night. And it makes it easier to sleep. I have also been down hill skiing. And ice fishing on the lakes. I go to the movies. And there is a comedy club I like to visit. Sometimes I don't understand when I am supposed to laugh. When I find things that are funny to me, sometimes I am the only one laughing. Other times, when everyone else is laughing, I just don't get why it is funny. I must remember not to take a date with me when I go to the comedy club. At least not until I figure this funny American sense of humor out.
I got a nice letter from Andro and his family for Christmas. He seems resigned to the fact that I am living here. He asked me if I thought it might be a good idea for his boys to come and spend the summer with me when they are older. To see America, he said. I cannot imagine that he and Valerija would allow them to spend a whole summer with me but I think I would love such a thing if it did come to pass. What do you think, Mama? Would I be a good chaperone for the sons of my stick in the mud little brother?
Your son,
Luka
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January 1998
Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
Your Tata and I were the ones that had the idea of Javor and Viktor visiting you one day. We told Andro and Zoran that they were lucky to have someone dear to them that could provide such an opportunity for their children. I am happy that Andro is thinking about it. I have no doubt that their boys would come home changed people after spending a summer with their Uncle Luka. It would be nice if they assumed the best of you and the best of their parents. My, what perfect grandchildren we would have! But what am I thinking? They are already perfect. Knowing you better would only serve to make them better as well. And hopefully when such a thing comes to pass you will have a wife and maybe a cousin or two for them to get to know as well. How is your courting doing in this new hospital?
Tata has become a mad man with his new potter's wheel and kiln. He has been making bowls and vases and pitchers for a shop in town. Things are selling too. It's funny that we would have so many tourists in the winter like this. Some of his pieces have been purchased by suppliers for other galleries. Some of his pieces have been purchased by housewives looking for something pretty to hold their milk or food for the dinner table. I think I am most proud of those sales. I know how much a mama needs to have something pretty around at times.
We are contemplating a trip in the spring. Tata and I would like to visit Vukovar. Tata has this need to see where you lost so much. To put it all to rest, I think. It will be safer once it becomes a Croatian city again. What do you think I should be saying to him?
Love,
Mom
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March 1998
Mt. Clemens, Michigan
Dearest Mama,
There is no need for Tata and you to visit Vukovar. There is nothing to put to rest there. I always planned to go back one day and bring Danijela, Jasna and Marko home again. I detested knowing that they were at rest in land ruled by the people responsible for their deaths. But now I know there is no real need to retrieve them. They are not in Vukovar. Only bodies remain. And there are many, many bodies, Mati. I now know that I brought them home with me when I came. They live in my heart and my mind and my soul...just as they live in yours and with Danijela's family. Nothing can take that from us. I am at peace knowing that the ground where they are will once again be part of Croatia.
Sometimes I feel so alone when I think about what happened there. No one knows. It is another kind of world in America. Americans really have no idea about war. They fight with honor and lose citizens - young men and women - but never right outside their front door. It doesn't make the loss any easier, I know. But they just don't know fear. They don't know the terror of fighting sleep at night with your weeping children in your arms and the sounds of bombs and shells around you. They don't know about praying that your wife will be safe from rapists if you leave her alone and go to your job. They don't know about walking out the door thinking your family is safer inside...and having them die in your arms because they weren't. They have no idea what it is to hold your breath till your lungs are bursting in fear that a soldier will hear you and give your hiding place away. And there is no way to tell them. No way to explain. It is easier just to not talk about it at all.
And to get back to what I know you REALLY want to know about, the courting is easier here. There seems to be no end to invitations to go places and do things. I am enjoying the attention, I think.
Love,
Luka
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April, 1998
Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
It is only the beginning of spring in Croatia and already buds are breaking out on trees and in gardens. Valerija and I have been busy tending the plants in her gardens. It is so nice to feel the earth in my hands and to smell it again. Being so close to the sea and the smell of fishing boats, I think we forget about the earth too. I want to get outside and do as much as I can now. There is so little time.
I know that Tata called you and told you about my last round of tests. I have to have more chemo therapy and radiation as well this time. I wish I could have something better to say to you, especially since I know you are planning to come home for a while this summer. It will be no fun for either of us if I am tied to the hospital and the doctor. Maybe you should wait and come home at Christmas time this year? By then this new challenge will be fought and won and we can enjoy one another more fully. Please, Luka. Think about changing your plans.
Love,
Mati
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May, 1998
Mt. Clemens, Michigan
Dearest Mati,
Change my plans and disappoint Tata by not being at the Art Festival in Dubrovnik again this year? I can't do that. But I will do something for you as well. I am coming this summer for a few weeks and will also be home for Christmas. Does that please you, Mama?
I received an email and fax from your doctors. It's going to be tough, Mama, but you are a fighter. If you can manage to keep three sons like Andros, Zoran and I in line, you will definitely be able to beat this again. I want to be there to help. I have even given thought to coming home for good. As much as I want to be with you and my family there, it just doesn't feel right. Does that make sense?
Love,
Luka
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June 1998
Sibenik, Croatia
Dear Luka,
I can't believe that it's only a few more weeks before you will be here. Tata has purchased a couch for his studio so you can stay there. Zoran and Andro both have room in their homes for you but I think I want you to be here - close to Tata and I. We have missed you so very much. I am wearing your hats again. My hair was beginning to fall out so Jelena and I just cut it all off. Who cares? My old bald head is the sign of a battle being waged, eh?
Javor and Viktor have asked me to ask you to bring them some more of those Lego blocks you sent them for Christmas last year. And if Natasya were old enough to beg for something, I am sure she would as well. We are all excited to see you again.
Love,
Mom
