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Chapter 5 – Misery
Bella's POV
By the time I got off the phone with my mother, my phone was beeping in my ear, telling me I had low battery. A glance at the clock told me it was just past eight at night. I also had two more messages from Jake. Listening to them, he was just wondering why I'd taken off so quickly.
I didn't have the heart to call and tell him and Billy the horrid news.
I stumbled up to my feet, shoving my phone in my pocket. Renee had already gotten a plane ticket to come here, but it didn't leave until three in the morning. She wouldn't be here until at least six. What would I do until then. I turned around to face the window that I had been watching my life unfold through. The curtain was drawn around the bed my dad lie in. The glass was frigid against my fingertips and it was then I realized I was sweating.
Where would I stay tonight? What would happen in the morning? Where would I stay after all of this was over? I couldn't leave Forks... Never. My dad was here. Everything in this town was him. I would never leave it.
My future was so uncertain...
A hand rested on my shoulder and I let out a breath at the contact. I didn't even care who it was. It grounded me. I had been floating above the scene for so long, watching, expecting and waiting. It all felt so surreal. Now reality was setting in. The hand on my shoulder was cool. Comforting. Collecting. I finally turned to see Dr. Cullen.
"Bella, I'm so sorry," he said. His eyes flashed to mine but then turned away. In that one glance, I saw years and years of guilt. He had probably seen so much death, working in the hospitals. Where had he worked before this? A bigger town? One with a higher death rate? I let out a small breath and tried to function. I had the ability to speak... somewhere.
"It's not your fault, Dr. Cullen. You tried your best, I saw you," I said, glancing back to the window. The movement sent a shockwave through my chest. I looked down at the space between me and him. "I don't blame you."
And I didn't. Dr. Cullen had been so very helpful to me when I came here after the incident with Tyler. He was a nice person. A person who seemed to care deeply for each and every one of the people he came into contact with. If there had been any way he could save my dad, I knew he would have.
Watching him try to save my dad, even when everyone else seemed to think it was helpless, it had opened a space in my heart and let him in. Or maybe that was just my need for a father figure filling itself.
As I watched him, I saw no relief flood through him from my statement. I saw no hope for redemption. He didn't seem to know how to handle facing me. Was this typical of all doctors who lost a patient?
"You shouldn't be here still. Do you have a ride home?" he asked, glancing at the clock on the wall, suddenly. I looked up also, though I already knew the time. It gave me something to do.
"Um..." I thought, trying to focus on his question. I felt too wrapped up in my thoughts. I grasped his question then. "I only lived with my dad. My mom's on her way from Arizona, but the flight," I replied, jerking my thumb to point behind my shoulder. At an imaginary Renee, on her way to the airport. I couldn't bring my eyes to meet his again. I glanced down the hallway instead.
"Do you think you can talk to the staff and get them to let me sleep in a chair in the emergency room or something?" I asked, watching the front desk from where we stood. The nurses worked busily, though I wondered on what. This wasn't a big town. I wouldn't bother them.
After a long silence, I realized he still hadn't answered me. I closed my eyes for a second and then turned my eyes to him. They connected with his. Again, a flush of guilt, remorse and loneliness slid through me. I swallowed, unable to tear my gaze away. His eyes were so pained.
Suddenly, I was aware of my appearance. Maybe he looked so upset because I looked like a train wreck. My hand fluttered to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. I felt it matted and slightly wet. Had I been crying into my hair? I reached up and wiped my eyes, glad I didn't wear make up. It would have added to the scene.
He jolted a little, seeming to come alive. His eyes broke from mine and I took in a quiet but deep breath as I looked away. I had been too caught up in his grief.
"Bella... Would you be opposed to staying at my house, with my family and myself?" he asked. I think my mouth dropped open. I quickly picked it up as I looked up at him. His eyes seemed to beg me.
Please, let me make some part of this right. Let me ease some of the pain of your loss.
"Oh, no, Dr. Cullen, I couldn't accept that sort of hospitality-"
"You'd be hurting my feelings if you declined," he said, a mock smile tugging at the corner of his lips. I knew it was a forced smile. The last thing his lips wanted to do was tilt up in the habit. "Please, this is the least I can offer. You shouldn't be alone in an emergency room tonight," he said.
I took in another breath, glancing down the hallway. A nurse was looking towards us and I caught her gaze. She broke it and went back along her routine. I bit my lip, swallowed. I didn't want to stay here. I didn't want to be alone tonight. Even if I was with a complete stranger. It had to be better than alone...
A complete stranger was sometimes something you needed. Someone on the outside, looking in. They could put things into perspective, make you realize things. I turned my gaze back to his and shrugged my shoulder up slightly. I nodded in agreement and he smiled a little more. I could still see the pain in his eyes.
I turned around and looked in through the window again. The curtain was still masking my father. It was for the best. If I saw him now, I might break down again. I might walk in, curl up on the floor-
"Come, let me show you to the car," Dr. Cullen's light voice prodded, his hand on my shoulder again. There was a slight pressure, not at all forceful. Just a suggestion. The touch of someone who knew what it was like to suffer. He directed me to the left and then I tore my gaze away as we started walking. His hand fell away once he realized I was paying attention to the course we were walking.
As we walked, I watched him out of the corner of my eyes. As the same with the rest of the Cullens, he had a swift, competent grace. He walked as if on air, the bumps and air in the sidewalk that always plagued me never a bother to him. He had a coat draped over his arm and a briefcase in his other hand.
He stepped forward before me and held the door open that led to outside. I stepped through the threshold and felt the frigid air whip around me. It was a dark contrast compared to inside the hospital. I pulled the collar of my shirt up a little and followed him through the parking lot. It took me a moment to realize he was walking towards a sporty little black car.
I lulled in the parking lot as the car beeped, acknowledging that it had just been unlocked. He stepped to the drivers door as I stood back and watched it shimmer in the hospital's parking lot lights. It looked like he had definitely worked in a bigger city before he moved here. I looked up and caught his gaze over the car.
"Great salary," he said, the corner of his mouth turned up in a smile that flashed some of his teeth. In that moment, I found myself thinking he definitely should have been a dentist. He slipped into the car and I walked over to the passenger seat. Before I could reach out for the handle, he had reached over on the inside and opened it for me. I ducked in and pulled the door shut behind me.
As he put the key in the ignition, sweet, soft classical music drifted over my ears and the leather seats. I closed my eyes for only a second and felt like I was walking into a ballroom in the 1900's. I felt peaceful and light hearted. But my chest still felt heavy. My eyes fluttered open and I reached into my pocket for my phone as Dr. Cullen exited the parking lot.
"Where do you live?" I asked, flipping open the phone and preparing Renee's number.
"Hey, sweetheart," her voice greeted me after Dr. Cullen had told me his address.
"Hey mom," I said, guiding my phone towards the window so I could look out at the passing trees.
"Where are you going to stay?" she asked. She had been worried about it. I'm sure she hadn't stopped thinking about it.
"I'm going home with a doctor from the hospital, Dr. Cullen," I said, glancing at his reflection in the window I had been looking through. His eyes were on the road.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked, her worried mother tone coming through. I scoffed a little.
"Mom, he's a doctor," I said. She paused and then laughed a little.
"Do you know him? Why are you going with him?" she asked. I let out a little breath, looking up at the roof of the ceiling.
Mom, he was dad's doctor, he let him die. He's guilt ridden and trying to make up for it, I heard myself thinking. I shook my head. I couldn't say that, even if he WASN'T in the car.
"He offered, mom. Look, I'll explain later... I just need somewhere to sleep," I said. There was another pause and I felt her biting her lip.
"Just, keep your phone on you. And give me their address," she said. I spouted off the address and closed my eyes, watching her in my memory, leaning over and writing down on a coffee spilled piece of paper.
"Alright... Do you at least know him?" she asked. I stared through Dr. Cullen's reflection, watching the dense forest as we passed.
"He was my doctor when I went to the hospital for that car accident with Tyler. And I know his kids. They're nice," I said, recalling the Cullens precisely in my head. They weren't friendly, but they weren't mean. Besides Edward, I hadn't even spoken to the other four. A thought pressed into my head. Would they have room for me to stay with them?
"Alright, I love you, Bella. Call me when you're settled," she said. I nodded, then realized she wouldn't see that.
"Yeah, I love you too, mom. Night," I said, then flipped the phone shut. The phone beeped at me again.
Never again would I take that phrase for granted... I love you. I tried to recall now. Had I said a proper goodbye to my dad before he left? Had I said I loved him. I'm pretty sure I had... If I had known this was going to happen, I would have grabbed him, begged him to take me home so I could have dinner with him. He shouldn't have even been at that diner.
"I'm sorry if this raises any questions," Dr. Cullen's voice reeled me back in from insanity and a break down. I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to look at him. His eyes hadn't left the road.
"Oh, no, it's just my mom. She's usually not like this. She's more protective now, what with everything that's..." I stopped for a moment and then turned my head back to look outside the window, whispering quietly, "happened."
"Just relax. We'll be there in less than five minutes," he said. I gave a short nod and then rested my head back on the head rest. I let my eyes drift shut and felt fear slide through me. Darkness. Alone. Is this what Charlie felt right before he died? I shuddered. I searched for anything calming, anything that would soothe me.
Jacob's voice fluttered into my head and then I recalled his smile. My heart skipped a beat and then popped against my chest. Jacob. Billy. How would I ever be able to tell Billy what happened to my dad? I swallowed a sob and opened my eyes. Alone with eyes closed was not a good idea.
I realized then we were driving over gravel. When I looked out the window, I saw trees less than five feet away. I looked ahead and saw Dr. Cullen pulling us up to a very large, very bright and open house. There were glass windows everywhere. In most places, they covered the whole expanse of the wall. I breathed in at the sight, so impressive.
It was a moment before I realized Dr. Cullen had stopped the car and pulled the keys out of the ignition. His door was open.
"If you don't mind, could you give me a few minutes alone with my family? I haven't exactly told them about this yet," he said, one foot of the car.
"Oh, no, of course not. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience," I said, opening my door and getting out. Both our doors shut and he walked past me, shaking his head.
"No, not at all. Just let me inform them, especially about the circumstances..." he said, looking at me. I swallowed. Of course. He wouldn't want them asking me about how my dad was, when he was, in fact, dead. I felt something bitter in the back of my throat. I was that girl, now. The girl with the father that no one could talk about. I took in a breath and cemented myself then. I would not be weak. I would not fall to pieces. I would get through this.
I nodded and he gave a brief nod and then turned and walked up the porch.
I could feel and see the guilt riding hard on his shoulders.
Carlisle's POV
I walked up the steps to my home, placing care in each step. I opened the front door and took in a deep breath, watching the floor as I shut the door behind me.
"Family meeting," I said, just a whisper. My family would hear. They all probably realized I was home late. Had Alice already seen what had happened? No, she shouldn't have. She wasn't watching for it.
My wife was the first one I saw. A look of concern was already spread across her face, clearly. She stepped forward, moving too fast. I was glad Bella wasn't inside yet. We would all have to watch ourselves while she was here. I took her hand and pulled it to my cheek, caressing her.
"What happened?" she asked. I opened my mouth to tell her to wait but was saved the trouble. Two more faces appeared over her shoulder and I saw Jasper pulling Alice down the stairs.
"Carlisle?" Alice asked. Something in her eyes. She knew. She looked confused though. "I saw Bella-"
"We'll wait for the others," I said, looking at her. She stopped and then gave a nod. I didn't know how much she knew, but I didn't want her to explain now.
Another millisecond and Edward was coming down the stairs. His gaze went straight to Alice. I glanced at her to see she was deep in thought. Hopefully about something other than her vision. Edward looked to me then, I felt my thoughts becoming less my own.
"You'll know soon enough," I said, trying to keep my thoughts off Bella. Off the day at work. Off the guilt, the sorrow. It was overwhelming.
Edward settled in on a couch and we waited another ten seconds before our last two members joined us. Rosalie was tugging on Emmett's hand, pulling him up the stairs and to the first floor of the house. They had preferred the room below.
Rose smiled and punched Emmett before she turned and slammed into a wall of completely opposite emotions. Her smile flittered away and was replaced with a worried glare to Edward. Then her eyes locked on me.
"Carlisle? What is it, did they find out what we are-"
"No, Rosalie. Calm yourself. And prepare. You're not going to like what I have to say," I said. A frown turned her face into a more morbidly beautiful creation. Some people just looked prettier when they were upset. This was Rosalie. She came into the circle, leading Emmett in behind her.
"I ask that you all don't ask questions, and that you respect my decision for tonight. Most of you won't like it, but we don't have time to discuss it. We will tomorrow," I said, my gaze lingering on each of my family for a second. After a look or nod of approval from each of them, I went on.
It was difficult.
"Alright then... Isabella Swan is outside," I said.
A/N : *gasp* What in the world is the family going to think? Oh dear?
