Chapter: 7: Radioactive
Author's Note: Holy shit, I'm not dead! No, I've just been busy, and broke, and had laptop problems, and health problems, and writer's block problems in general, but no matter, because I'm back! I'm really not as pleased with this chapter as I'd like to be, but it's really a necessary chapter for the smaller bits and pieces strewn about here and there. Hopefully you all enjoy. =) So sorry for the wait!
~I'm waking up to ash and dust I'm breaking in, shaping up,
I wipe my brow, and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals.
Then checking out on the prison bus.
This is it.
Whoa, I'm radioactive.~
Vinny wakes in a panic once again, eyes snapping open wide as he tries desperately to inhale. He almost whines as he grabs at his chest, as if attempting to will the air back into his lungs. Breathe, dammit!, he thinks, a sense of extreme alarm washing over him. He squeezes his eyes shut tight again, forces himself as best he can to just calm down. He thinks of every happy thing he possibly can (fun days on the boardwalk, his mom's lasagna, his bed, at home, Pauly...) and just concentrates, thinks, please. It feels like several long, agonizing minutes before it works and he feels the whoosh of air fill his lungs, but it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, for he only coughs a few times before he's breathing normally again, spots fading from his vision faster than they usually do. Once again, he can't remember what he'd been dreaming about that had caused him to awaken so viciously, but a huge part of him is okay with this realization (thinks for a moment to himself that maybe he's getting past this, if only the slightest bit). Suddenly, Pauly's familiar hand on his back interrupts his thoughts, bringing him back to reality in the most comfortable way possible.
"You alright, babe?" the DJ asks, voice still full of sleep. He rubs soothing circles into the younger's back, trying to keep him breathing.
Vinny nods, relaxing the slightest bit under Pauly's touch. Still, he can't manage to stop shaking, heart still pounding in his chest as if he'd been sprinting for miles despite how hard he tries to even it out. When he meets Pauly's eyes, they're full of concern.
"You don't look okay." the older says slowly, trying to pull Vinny closer, comfort him further.
Vinny pulls away entirely instead, extracting himself from the bed.
"Well, I am." he replies as carefully as he can, trying desperately to keep his voice even, calm. He doesn't know why he suddenly feels so fucking irritable, but it's almost making his skin crawl, it's affecting him so badly. He needs to get out, he thinks, fast. He squints as he looks through the darkness around the room, finally spotting his shoes by the foot of the bed. He turns back to his lover, who is now sitting up with a face full of apprehension. He tries to offer Pauly a confident smile, hopes it comes out right, but he's pretty sure it doesn't. "I'm just gonna go for a run, okay?"
"Alright. Well, let me get up real quick. I'll come wi-" the DJ begins, but Vinny cuts him off before he even has one foot off the bed.
"No, thanks."
Time seems to freeze as Pauly turns wide eyes quickly to his boyfriend. Vinny amends it swiftly, has to get that look off Pauly's face.
"I mean, I'll be fine on my own, thanks." he tries, hoping that the false smile is still somehow on his face. The way Pauly's staring at him now, though, he's pretty sure the older can see right through it. He lets out a soft sigh. "Look, I just need to clear my head, alright?"
Vinny hates the way it seems to take everything in Pauly to relent, pull his feet back under the covers. After all, it's not as if he wants to reject his boyfriend's affections. It makes him feel just as awful that the comfort Pauly normally provides for him seems to be dwindling. It's becoming more and more foreign by the day to the point of almost making him uncomfortable, and Vinny is beginning to hate himself for it (almost more than he hates Mike, a voice in the back of his brain reminds him sometimes, but he ignores this, too).
"Alright." Pauly mutters as he lays back down. "Be safe, though, okay?"
And Vinny knows it's supposed to be a nice sentiment, something they've said to each other a thousand times before without so much as a second thought, but now, for some reason, it turns his stomach, almost like it's an insult (he hates this, too). He nods stiffly, finishes tugging on his shorts and shoes.
"Yea." he says. Then, almost as an afterthought, "Love you."
He doesn't wait for Pauly to return the phrase before he slips out the door.
III
Once Vinny gets outside, he puts his hood up, and he runs. He's not sure where he's going, and it's still dark out, so his options are kind of limited for the moment, but he doesn't care. He simply zones out, focuses on a point ahead of him, and just runs. He runs for miles, runs for hours. He runs until his chest hurts and his feet ache, but he ignores it, running on. He runs all the way until the sun comes up and stays up for a few hours before he finally stops, finding a gas station and collapsing on the bench outside. Looking out across the parking lot at the sun shining in the distance, he struggles for the second time today to catch his breath. He can't believe he's made it so far out from the house. He's not even sure where he's at, he realizes with a quick glance around. He scrubs his hands over his face a few times, tries to stifle the thoughts of, what an idiot. He doesn't have time for that shit right now. He draws in a deep, shaky breath, standing up and making his way inside. He does the only thing he can think of and uses the clerk's phone to call a cab, rattle off the unfamiliar address. Then, he heads back outside to wait.
The entire ride back, Vinny can't help but note the complete unfamiliarity of the sights around him. It troubles him. He's gone running as a means of relaxation and meditation for years, but he can't remember the last time he'd zoned out so hard he'd lost track of where he was. He'd even managed to completely lose track of time, he realizes with a glance at the clock in the cab.
"Is that the right time?" he questions hurriedly, shock etching its way onto his face.
"Yes, sir." the driver replies. "10:42."
Vinny slumps back against the seat, a whoosh of air leaving his lungs rather quickly once more. Pauly's probably worried sick, he thinks. And maybe he should be, the voice in the back of his mind reminds him. Maybe you're not as okay as you'd like to think. Vinny shakes his head roughly, tries to clear his head of the thoughts. He's going to be just fine, he convinces himself as best he can. He tries to focus on this thought pattern as he enters the house once the cab arrives, but he still finds himself holding his breath as he looks around for Pauly. Thankfully, the older doesn't have an opportunity to freak out on Vinny immediately when their eyes meet, but unfortunately, it's because he's on the phone. Pauly offers him a light smile, but reaches out to softly grab the younger's arm when Vinny tries to slip past him, go for a quick shower. Instead, Pauly holds up a finger, cradling the phone against his shoulder, his eyes never leaving his lover's.
"Yea, I know. It all just happened real fast...But we'll talk to you about all that later, okay? Yea, Vinny just walked in, so we'll be there in, like, an hour. Alright, see you soon. Bye." Pauly finishes up his phone call, hanging the duck phone back up and pulling Vinny close in one swift movement. He drapes his arms around the younger's neck, whispering with something akin to relief hidden in his tone, "You sure were gone a long time, Vin. I was worried."
"I know. I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean to be out so long." Vinny replies quietly, holding his lover close as well with arms slung loosely around Pauly's waist. He mutters, "I'm not really sure where I went."
Pauly leans back and meets his eyes with a puzzled expression.
"What do you-" the DJ tries, but Vinny cuts him off for the second time this morning.
"Who was on the phone?"
Pauly holds Vinny's gaze with a serious look, one that says he's not about to let things go this time. Vinny just holds his breath. After a long moment, however, Pauly responds with a quiet, "That was Danny. He says he needs to talk to me about, uh. What happened."
Vinny nods, glancing away with something like guilt in his eyes.
"I, uh. I suppose he wants to talk to me about it, too?" Vinny questions softly.
Pauly attempts to rub the younger's back the way he always does, tries to soothe him the slightest bit. It doesn't work as well this time, especially when his lover replies in the affirmative.
"Yea. He just wants to know what all happened." Pauly explains as delicately as he can. He pauses for a beat, and then, it's as if he can't hold the frustration in any longer, for he lets out a slow sigh. "Apparently, Mike wants to press some kind of charges, but he can't do that if he can't build a case, so...Danny just wants to talk to us both. As soon as possible."
It's a lot to take in, and it takes a moment for Vinny to process everything, but once he does, he can't do anything but nod. He got Pauly into this mess, after all. The least he can do is explain enough to get him out of it.
"Alright. Want to head over there now, then?" he asks, an almost hollow sound in his voice that shakes Pauly to the core. He's never heard his lover like this. Still, Pauly appeases him.
"If...you want to?" Pauly prods, hoping the younger will reconsider. It's more than evident how overstressed Vinny has been over the whole thing. The last thing he wants to do is push his lover into even more pain. But, Vinny just nods, evidently content to hold things in a little bit longer.
"Yea, that's fine. Let me just go change clothes and we'll head that way." Vinny replies, pulling out of Pauly's arms and heading toward their bedroom.
Pauly hates that, worried or not, he has no other choice but to just let the boy go. It makes him ache just how much it's beginning to look as though he just doesn't have the tools to fix him.
III
"What. The. Fuck." Danny somehow manages, staring the two of them with an absolutely astounded expression from where he sits across the table in the breakroom of the T-shirt shop. He turns to Vinny first. "And these last few weeks you've just been working and living with him like nothing happened? Why didn't you say anything to me?"
"What would you have said?" Vinny fires back.
Danny falls silent, almost ashamed. After a moment, though, he clears his throat, meets both of their gazes again.
"Well, regardless, Mike was talking about pressing charges, and technically, I guess he could, since he didn't actually ever touch you, Pauly." the homeowner says almost matter-of-factly. He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. "You could do time for this, kid."
Pauly nods slowly, hands folded and propped in front of his mouth. Vinny can see the nerves etched on his face. They've been there a lot lately, he thinks. He knows his lover is worried, and with good reason. There could really be trouble here for Pauly, and all just for defending him. Vinny wonders what answer there could possibly be. Suddenly, it's as if Danny is reading his mind, because he clears his throat to grab their attention once more, and begin speaking again, albeit slower.
"I mean, unless he becomes aware that you can and will press charges as well, Vinny. I would imagine the ones from you would be much worse, and much more slanderous than the ones he could try to approach with." the other man reasons, looking directly into Vinny's eyes. It almost unnerves the younger, makes him swallow thickly. It's his turn to nod now, though, and he does, even as he feels his stomach begin to turn ever so slightly at the thought.
"I'll think about it." he responds quietly, voice laden with emotion.
"Think about it? Vinny, Pauly could be in a whole lot of trouble here-" Danny tries, but this time, it's Pauly who interrupts.
"He said he'll think about it, Danny. If I have to be a man and own up to what I did, then I will. It's not his responsibility to protect me." the DJ says sternly, draping an arm around his boyfriend's shoulders. "He can press charges if he wants."
Danny lets out an almost angry sigh. It's enough to make Vinny flinch, albeit minutely.
"Alright, whatever. Do what you want." Danny concedes defeat, almost visibly having to fight the urge to throw his hands up in desperation. He does try again to reason with the boy, "But I want you to keep in mind, Vinny, these are very serious charges you have the power to press against him. This isn't something Mike needs to get away with. If he thinks it's fine this time, he'll think it's fine again. You don't want that, right?"
Pauly pushes his chair back, standing up quickly.
"Danny, seriously. He said he'll think about it, and he will. He's going through enough right now. Lay off, okay?" Pauly snaps, startling all three of them. Even more surprising to Pauly, however, is the thin-lipped sigh that slips from his lover's lips at his outburst. He shoots a sheepish look Vinny's way, but the boy almost seems to refuse to meet his gaze.
"Well, regardless of what you decide, he's not allowed back on my property. I'm not about to run the risk of anything else happening, so he's not coming back. Period." Danny explains, and the boys let out a collective sigh of relief. He continues, "Someone's going to need to gather his things and take them to him, though. I don't care who. The house can decide that."
Finally, the homeowner turns back to Vinny, sympathy painted across his features. "Vinny, I'm really, really sorry all this has happened. The last person who deserves something like this is you, and I couldn't be more apologetic. I hope things get better and you can heal, and move on from all this."
It takes a lot of self-restraint for Vinny to keep his emotions in check at this statement. He wants to lash out, punch the false understanding off the older man's face, tell him how much he doesn't give a single shit about another fucking apology, especially when it doesn't mean anything... But instead, he bites his tongue and nods, standing up almost as swiftly as Pauly had earlier.
"Thanks." he mutters simply, before ducking out the door of the office.
Pauly stares after him wide-eyed, unable to find words. After a moment, he mutters his thanks to Danny as well and hurries out the door. Jogging to catch up to his boyfriend, Pauly calls for Vinny to wait up, but it's as if the kid is blatantly ignoring him now. He catches the younger before he has a chance to reach the stairs leading up to the door of the house, finally stopping him with a gentle hand on his bicep. Vinny whirls around, however, as if the DJ has actually struck him, eyes slightly wider with a mix of something between fear and anger in them. Pauly takes a quick step back before speaking, but doesn't let go of his lover's arm.
"Vinny, what's up? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" Vinny doesn't respond, however, not even meeting the older's eyes. Pauly lets out a breath, pulling the boy close and almost forcing the younger to look at him. "Look, I know you're not okay. You don't have to fake it for me. I just...I wish you'd talk to me about what you're actually going through. Open up to me a little bit, y'know?"
And part of Vinny wishes he could just fulfill Pauly's wishes, really open up to him and tell his lover exactly what's on his mind. But, he can't, has no idea where he'd even begin. Pauly doesn't deserve any of this pain, he thinks. So instead, he just remains silent, once again, choking it back some more. Pauly, however, completely unaware, trudges on.
"I can't help you if I don't know anything." the DJ says, and suddenly, and it's like Pauly has said the magic word, because Vinny does open up. He snaps.
"Maybe I don't want your help! This is too much for you, Pauly! You have no idea what I'm going through, and I could explain it until I'm blue in the fucking face and you just won't get it! None of you will! There's not a single thing any of you here could say to me to make anything even remotely better, because you don't fucking understand!" Vinny half-screams, uncaring now of who hears him, sees him. He tries to take a steadying breath before continuing, because he at least realizes how hysterical he seems right now (and he most certainly is not hysterical over this, dammit). It keeps pouring out, shouts aimed directly at his boyfriend, shouts laced with a shred of the emotion he's been fighting to keep in all this time. "And you shouldn't have to! I don't want to burden you with all this, trust me! No one should know what this is like! But I do, and I have to deal with it, and I am sick to death of everyone trying to help me with it! Because you just, you can't, okay? So please, seriously, just stop."
By the time the younger is finished, he's deflated and ashamed, and he can't think of anything else to do but turn back around and head for the door. It takes long enough for all of this to fully hit Pauly for Vinny to make it halfway up the stairs, but then, the older is right behind him, step for step.
"Vinny, wait! What the hell are you talking abo-" the DJ tries (so close, he thinks, reaches out to grab Vinny's shoulder), but the second he gets into the house, Jenni stops him.
"Hey, Pauly! I'm glad you're here! You just missed a call from the health clinic. They've got your test results." she tells him. He moves to walk around her, follow his boyfriend, but the tell-tale slam of the bedroom door makes him stop, let out a breath of defeat. Mentally, he curses. Jenni questions, "What's up with him?"
"Nevermind. I'll call them back real quick." Pauly replies. As if I have anything better to do, he thinks, picking up the duck phone.
In the other room, Vinny leans against the door and tries to catch his breath. When he doesn't hear Pauly coming after him, he relaxes a bit, collapsing on the bed. He scrubs his hands over his face, breathing in as deep as he possibly can. It doesn't help ease the panic that's still swelling up in his lungs, his head. He can't believe he's at this point, lashing out at Pauly, even. He loves Pauly, wishes that the older could help him, somehow. The last thing he wants to do is burden the person he loves the most with this kind of thing, though. He can't imagine the kind of pain he would cause the older if he actually opened up, told him everything that's been on his mind. No, he can't do something like that, he thinks. The thought is solidified when Pauly comes rushing in later, too-wide smile on his face as he tells Vinny with great relief that things are okay, because he's not sick. A huge part of Vinny really is relieved, because he loves Pauly with everything in him, and he knows he would have been devastated if the older had been sick. But a tiny part can't help but resent Pauly just a little bit, because he had almost not been alone in all this. This thought turns his stomach more than talking with Danny had earlier, and he hugs Pauly even closer in the older's joy, kisses him a little harder in his relief. And for the first time, he starts to think that maybe he needs to get away from the Shore house for a little while.
III
They're laying on Vinny's bed later on when Pauly tries to start the inevitable conversation about the younger's outburst.
"So, Vin, about what you were sayin'-"
And for the third time that day, Vinny interrupts him, pushing himself away from the DJ's grasp and actually talking over him.
"I'm gonna go take a shower. I smell, right?" Vinny says loudly, even going as far as to smile jokingly, wrinkle his nose. He watches Pauly grit his teeth, as if it's an actual struggle to not say anything. The older just nods stiffly.
Vinny feels outright shame wash over himself as he grabs his towel and ducks out of the room. He can't believe he's avoiding this, with Pauly of all people. He's never had problems talking with Pauly, about anything, from gross habits to dark secrets and beyond. He'd even somehow managed to tell his lover about the...incident with Mike, and its repercussions. But discussing how he feels about it? That's another matter entirely. He can't even think about it by himself, locked away in the bathroom under the once more too-hot spray of the shower. Instead, he focuses on a solution to the problem. But if he can't talk to Pauly, he thinks, what other option is there but to seek help...elsewhere? Outside of the Shore house, far away from the Shore in its entirety. He lets out a sigh. It really is the only choice. And it's not as if he doesn't kind of want it in a way, anyway, had the thought in mind for a while, really. He just really does hate the thought of leaving Pauly, leaving his friends, even. They've been his support system through so many other things. Why aren't they good enough for this?, he thinks sadly.
Regardless of the why, however, he needs to think about the where. Where to go? Certainly he's not going to go home, tell his mother what happened. His stomach turns once again, and this time he has to actually swallow his emotion. Nope, not going home, he thinks, shakes his head, even. He'll figure something out, he decides, maybe talk to Pauly about it. He's going to have to tell him about the decision to leave, and soon. The sooner he fills his lover in, the sooner he can just get out, get over this fucking thing. As content as he can get, he turns off the shower and steps out.
By the time he's dried himself off and made it back to the bedroom, Pauly has headed into the kitchen to help prep dinner. Vinny takes full advantage of the time to stall, getting some of his things together in the most discreet ways possible before simply collapsing onto the bed and dozing off. He's just begun to dream when his boyfriend is shaking him lightly, waking him up to the pleasant smell of dinner drifting in from the other room. He returns the DJ's smile with a genuine one of his own for the first time all day, albeit a soft one, and Pauly's face visibly relaxes.
"Morning, sunshine." Pauly mutters, dipping his head low to drop a kiss on Vinny's lips. The boy return it as well, and Pauly relaxes more. He mutters against the younger's lips, "Dinner's ready."
"I can tell that." Vinny replies, pulling back with the same soft smile. "You can go on ahead. I'll be in there in a minute."
The DJ moves to obey, standing from the bed with a nod, but he shoots Vinny a look before he gets too far.
"I promise." the younger responds, smile widening the slightest bit.
Pauly just nods, heads back out the door with a mutter of, "See you in a few."
Vinny does almost nod back off, though, and when he does finally make his way out of the bedroom, he hears loud, angry voices coming from the kitchen.
"I just don't want to see it, Ron! It's disgusting! Don't you think it's disgusting?" Sam's shrill voice rings out, then, "It's not right."
"No, Sam, I don't think it's disgusting. Would you just chill the fuck out about this?" Ron responds, and Vinny allows himself the slightest bit of hope.
"Well, I mean it, Ron. I'm dead fucking serious. I'm fucking out of here." Sam snaps, and there's a loud slam as Ron, or someone slaps the counter.
It probably was Ron, though, Vinny thinks, as the other man screams, "Dammit, Sam! This is getting totally out of hand! You're not fucking leaving over this. That's fucking immature, and you're not doing it."
"Don't tell me what to do! I told you, I'm done with this shit! And if you don't come with me, then I'm done with you, too." Sam replies, and Vinny knows instantly what he has to do.
It's completely the wrong time, and he wishes he could have told Pauly first, by himself, but for another fucking time, he doesn't have a single choice in the matter. He won't let Ron lose Sam over him. When he steps into the kitchen, he doesn't even have to say anything for all eyes to be on him. And, of course, all of his housemates are present, Pauly even standing as if to make his way over to him, and he thinks, it's now or never. He turns to Sam.
"You don't have to threaten him like that, Sam, seriously. You don't even have to be the one to go anywhere." He takes a deep breath, shoots Pauly a look before continuing. "Because I'm leaving."
