A/N: Oh come on, with all the problems Envy has, did you honestly think he wouldn't be schizophrenic and have a multiple-persona thing going too? He's a nutcase, he's probably got everything in the book and more! Except, I don't think he hallucinates, or anything that could be considered a weakness. ALSO, AN IMPORTANT NOTE: We are going to be following a very twisted path, with MANGA Envy and Anime almost-everything-else. This is to justify the relationship to some incest-phobic readers; in the Manga Ed and Envy aren't related. I apologize for the complete randmoness at the end, but I was on cake, kind of bored, and I think if Greed were left alone in a room with Ed and no distractions, he'd probobly rape him, Envy and injuries not stopping him at all. So, Envy came up with an ingenious plan to distract him :D

~~~~~~~3~~~~~~~

Envy looked down at the little chibi. He'd never seen him cry, but in the last few days it seemed that a lever had been pulled, and all the rain was just pouring from his eyes. He realized just how much he'd come to care for the boy in the last two days. He'd cared for him, watched over him, killed for him… he'd endured annoying old women snapping at him and learned a few things about healing. In fact, these past two days had been more active than some of the years of his life. For instance that decade or so in Centuria, when Augustin was Emperor, he'd done about nothing. (A/N Augustus, Pax Romana).

Now all he needed to figure out was what to make of it. Was he in love with Edward Elric? Was he in love, period? That would be a scary thought. He didn't fall in love. It just wasn't practical. Love made you weak, and reckless, and blind, and in the end it was more than likely to end up hurting you. Love also required trust, something which he was very unwilling to give, and a long attention span, which he was lacking.

But what was it, then? He gazed down at his little chibi's face and smiled. "What is love, really?" he whispered to himself. Little voices in his head, which Lust told them weren't really there, began to answer in a list, from what they'd gathered in the 400 centuries with Envy. (Yes, as amazing as it is to believe, he does read)

Wanting to protect someone

Wanting to keep them safe no matter what

Always thinking about them

Being happy when you think about them

Wanting to be around them all the time

Caring more about their safety and happiness than your own

Caring how you appear to them

Actually wanting to learn more about them

Being loyal to them, and staying with them through good and bad

Oh, yeah. Uhm…… He remembered wanting to keep Ed away from the edge of the roof. He remembered bashing Mustang's head in on instinct, without even registering that he'd moved until it was done. He remembered going out of his way to see Ed earlier today, and doing everything to try to get his mind off of him. He remembered that night on the roof, how perfect it felt. He remembered extracting full and bloody revenge on Mustang, at the prospect that his chibi-chan was being hurt. He remembered being uncomfortable looking like a bloody fiend from hell, covered in lifeblood, with his chibi's nervous gaze on him. He remembered wondering what was going on with Ed, and why he was so open. He looked now, how he was holding onto and comforting his chibi after an awful trialing experience. He blinked. Uh-oh…

Well. No reason to get nervous, he just needed to accept the fact and move on. He did want Ed, he knew, and hey. He was a homunculus, he always got what he wanted. So what that Ed was his worst enemy and he was sworn to kill him, so what that the kid was almost 400 years younger than him and would die in under a century? (More like a half-a-century!) He wanted Ed. He wanted to help Ed, and make him happy, and he wanted to be around to induce more fits of rage and 'who-you-calling-so-short-that__' rants. In order for that to happen, he needed to keep his chibi-chan safe. And the best place he knew where to keep him safe, (if he could protect him from Lust's manipulation and Greed's perverted desires) was Dante's mansion. He made up his mind, and scooped up Edward, with one arm behind his back and another under his knees. Then he stepped to a window, forced it open, and slipped out.

When he entered his room, he saw an unpleasant sight, but it was not unexpected. He knew a few things about Lust. Namely, she was practical, hated being defied, and always had her revenge. So to see Greed sitting on his bed when he entered the room, looking bored, was not at all a surprise. Lust wouldn't have bothered sitting herself a second time, not knowing when he'd get home, but she was mad at him for defying her, and she would extract punishment. And also petty revenge for breaking her nail.

Greed broke into a grin when Envy entered the room.

"So this is why you were gone for the last two days. Fraternizing with the enemy? Naughty. You do realize that Lust wants your head on a plate, right?" Greed was fidgeting with glee.

"Ja, ja, idiot, now get your lazy bum off my damn bed," Envy scoffed. Greed smirked and stood, watching as Envy carefully laid Ed down on the bed and arranged him so he would be comfortable.

"Are you actually in love with him?" Greed asked incredulously. Envy flipped him off, and Greed started laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed until he couldn't breathe anymore, but he didn't need to, so he just kept shaking with silent laughter as he sank to the floor. Envy stared dispassionately at him, opened the door, and kicked him out like a soccer ball. Then he slammed the door shut. Greed just kept laughing on the threshold of Envy's door. When he finally got control of himself, he got the door open and looked at Envy, who was currently ravaging his chocolate cabinet.

"I can't believe it. You're a heartless monster. You're like… a giant, mutant, rabid wolf. How can you fall in love?"

"Shut up, Greed, how can you do mathematical equations over 2+2 if you're brain-dead?"

"Tch, how eloquent. Anyway, I was supposed to say that Lust is expecting you," he smirked. Envy cocked his head and raised his eyebrows.

"Lust wants to see me, huh? I guess, it might be an interesting idea, to open this?" He lifted up a squarish bottle of amber liquid. Greed's face twisted into a comedic expression of surprise.

"Where'd you get that? And… wait, I'm supposed to be asking, are you really going to see Lust, for obvious punishment, while drunk?" Envy looked up at Greed with those cat eyes of his, and uncorked the bottle with his teeth. He took a swallow, then handed it to Greed.

"What's on your mind?" Greed asked suspiciously as he took the bottle. Envy grinned evilly. Greed was confused, as Envy swept past him, green hair brushing his chin he was so close.

"Enjoy," Envy smirked. Greed looked at it with wary horror. But… the sin had drunk it before… and Greed was greedy for EVERYTHING by nature. He looked into the cabinet, and let out a startled laugh. No wonder the sin was so forthcoming, he had at least five bottles, buried under mounds of purple-wrapped chocolate. He sat down and examined the bottle.

Envy walked down the hall with the grin still on his face. Not only was he happy, because his little chibi was here, he was also on a sugar high, and he was happy that the bottle would keep Greed away from his injured chibi-chan until he returned. As though the universe was really aligned for him, his grin in the face of punishment would piss Lust off really bad.