Chapter Seven
Uncertainty
Even though I didn't have the heart, Jove insisted on my learning to feed from humans. He decided, based on what he saw on my first attempt, that it would be best to start a risky version of feeding that was similar to feeding on dead blood. Or what vampires considered dead blood which was blood not fresh from the vein. Jove began finding victims, bleeding them enough to mostly fill a water bottle, and then releasing them. At the same time, he insisted I feed from him as well in case the blood didn't get to me fresh enough. He was worried I'd be in Mikel's situation, which I didn't see what the problem was with that because I doubted I would die.
"But you'd be weak," Jove said to me sharply, "And you need your strength to fight against what we're running from. You need to be able to learn these things." He'd been getting a bit stressed lately, trying to figure out ways for me to feed without risking my 'soft' heart. It worried me, seeing him running about finding victims that he can't make forget they'd seen him. He was worried this process would end up with us being caught eventually.
I did what he wanted without complaint. I didn't want him to have to stress himself for me. I fed from water bottles that made me snap each time, forgetting my own mind and basically destroying the bottle each time to get more of what wasn't there. When I fed from Jove afterwards, I found myself relaxing in his arms, learning to remember myself through the bloodlust. It was a slow process, but I could feel myself gaining my control. And I was thankful for Jove being there for me, comforting me and loving me through the quiet days. Even though I wanted to push him away, afraid of getting him killed as if the death of those I loved was ultimately a curse, I would still pull him closer. I needed him.
And then as the days and nights passed, the time came when I found myself drinking human blood Jove had given me and having the ability to…
"Stop," Jove told me softly, and I pulled my lips away from the bottle's mouth; albeit a bit reluctantly. He smirked, pleased as I looked at him patiently. "Okay, continue but only take one drink then stop and repeat." I did what he said which was ridiculously difficult. Human blood tasted so… vital. Like I would die without it and needed more and more. It was strange. Still, I had practiced my control and I drank from the bottle slowly; one drink at a time before pausing and doing it again. I felt in my own mind, able to control myself as if it were a very addicting normal drink.
"I think we can try again, now," Jude said happily, "Unless you want to wait?" I could feel his desperation for me to learn this vital thing. He could sense some of the council members in the back of his mind, like a feeling. They were getting closer to finding us. Jove was thinking about having us leave the country, except that it would be difficult for him to avoid the sun this way. He considered just sending me to somewhere where he couldn't be before… somewhere in Alaska, where the sun shines for days. But I refused point blank.
"I think I'm ready," I said uncertainly, but determinedly.
"It's good to do it when you've already fed, you won't be as hungry," Jove stated, standing up to head out. I followed him almost like a child, staying behind him closely nearly shyly. This time we were walking down an empty street, and he was looking at the houses we were passing. At first I was looking around for a sign of maybe a party or something that Jove was looking for, but then I realized through our bond that he was searching the houses for someone living alone.
"We're going to feed from someone in their home," I asked curiously. I guess it was normal of a vampire to try that, but automatically I could feel Jove disagreeing with that thought.
"Vampires need permission to enter a human's home," Jove told me, "You can just mind control them to make them invite you in, but I want to see if you can enter on your own without permission." It was something I never even asked as "the One of Questions". I was so cooped up in one house as a human with vampires so that I never had to wonder if they needed to be invited into a house. I never saw the thought crossing Jove's mind before being he couldn't control humans like others so he never tried feeding from one's home. But then when I had met Evanen at that party…
"When Evanen kidnapped me, he walked into a home without permission," I said uncertainly.
"He, like what I expect of you, was an exception," Jove responded, pausing in front of a house. It was a small one and there was only one person inside. A woman. I wondered if she lived alone or if she was just alone for that particular night. Nonetheless, Jove gestured to the door, which was locked. "Go ahead and see if you can go in."
I grabbed the doorknob, half expecting it to burn me, but when nothing happened I twisted it sharply so that it snapped and then shoved the door open. The way I forced the door open left the area around the doorknob extremely damaged, but I figured it wouldn't be too harmful if I didn't kill this woman… I hesitated only a second before walking into the house easily. Jove only looked from the doorway as I turned to look at him.
"Go on without me, you can do it," He told me pleasantly, but then his face changed as he saw something behind me. If I had better practice being a vampire and actually knowing how I worked, I probably could have avoided the resulting situation easily. But… alas, I am a very horrible vampire. And that is how I got shot in the back with a pistol four times.
It was very… different. There wasn't so much pain as… a kind of burning you'd get from rubbing a sore muscle. It was like my body wasn't so much worried as just wanting to let me know that there were four bullets in my skin. And that's right… it was just in my skin, deep enough to get lodged but not strong enough to go through the muscle. Needless to say, I was pretty shocked, not so much because I was in pain but more because… well this was the first time I'd been shot before. It was strange to think that if at this very moment I were human, I would have died.
And then the feeling passed. Instead, I turned around to look at a petite blonde woman who looked horrified by the fact that I seemed pretty much unfazed by being shot. I considered playing with my food. I considered turning my head to the side creepily, smile, and tell her that was naughty… and then I felt bad for considering this woman as just food. It was hard to remember that I had been just like her; stupid and weak.
"Stay calm, still, and quiet," I ordered her, feeling that reach of control over her that felt of nothing but power. And then I moved close to her, smelling her blood beneath her skin waiting to be devoured by me. I moved her hair out of the way of her shoulder, reminding myself that I was in control. I could stop whenever I wanted... And then I bit down on her shoulder. There was a small warm feeling humming through the contact of my mouth on her skin. It wasn't so much bad as just… comfortable. She wasn't a bad person at all except for the average partying and occasional lying.
I didn't stay connected long, feeding just until I felt I would be satisfied awhile, and then I moved away from her after licking the wound on her shoulder. I looked into her eyes. "Forget I was ever here and that this ever happened." And with that, I had fed for the first time without harming someone. I walked out of the house very pleased, Jove stepping beside me sharing the feeling.
"You'll need to help me get these bullets out of my back," I told him with a laugh. Then I became quiet. A part of me was happy I had actually had the control to feed from someone without killing them, but then another part of me felt guilty that I even had to feed from people. That woman would wonder how she got that wound on her shoulder, how her bullets in her gun went missing, and how her door was broken because of me. Who knows? It could end up a huge problem. I could feel her like a sixth sense in the back of my mind taking her place as a victim of mine, though relatively unharmed, there until she would die.
"The important thing is that you didn't ruin or end her life completely, Hailence," Jove interrupted my thoughts, no doubt feeling my concerns next to me. "You have to realize that… that you could have ended up killing hundreds of humans and now…"
"I've only killed one," I responded sarcastically.
"I wish it was zero," Jove said, "But you can't blame yourself for it. This is something forced on you and either you learn to control it to your best ability or you let it control you."
"Okay, okay," I sighed, wrapping my arm around Jove's and leaning my head against his shoulder, "I just never wanted to lose myself and I already feel so different… I used to be so curious… so sarcastic even and trying to find the humor in things but now I'm just… I feel like I've aged hundreds of years and nothing is important now." Jove entwined his hand in mine, our gloves keeping the static warmth from reaching through us. "Except for you… you're important now."
He smiled at me, "I don't consider you a different person. You're just growing. And besides, I don't love you for your mood; I love you for you no matter what you choose to be." My breath very nearly was caught by his admitting of his love for me, even though I had felt it through him for a long time now. I had never heard it leave his lips. I didn't respond saying I loved him, only because I refused to admit myself that this was what I felt for him. I still couldn't be certain why except that I was afraid to let myself admit it. Or maybe I didn't really love him, not yet. Maybe it was the change… my need for his help to survive, the psychic bond, it all just flooded my thoughts and I couldn't be sure what I felt. So I didn't respond like how people expect you to in the movies. But Jove didn't complain or feel hurt. He understood me unlike anyone could merely because in a way he was me.
