Of Past Regrets And Future Fears by Ann3
Writer's Note: Well, that's the one good thing about a cold, wet day - no reason to go out ! It's also given me the chance to stay indoors, and get this latest chapter up.
I've treated myself to a few favourite episodes, just to... um... keep me inspired.
So from Rising, Poisoning The Well, and Michael, plus a quick reference to the events in my earlier story, The Greater Good, I've come up with a few ideas for Carson to reflect on how much he's changed. Unfortunately, it's not all pleasant.
As always, I hope you enjoy - please R&R if you do !!
Of Past Regrets And Future Fears
As more Athosians moved back onto the mainland, so living space in the city was gradually increasing. From this, Carson and Laura had finally been assigned one of its highly sought after, family-sized suites.
That was the good news. And the bad...? Well, now they had to pack their stuff, the kids' stuff, and move out. And only now was Carson Beckett beginning to realize why moving house was so notoriously stressful.
He'd only experienced the traumatic upheaval of moving once. Even then, he'd been too young to notice. Being just seven years old, and the baby brother of the Beckett family, had proven rather useful then.
Curiously watching his brothers huff and struggle with all those boxes, he'd just had to sit and watch. With dour mutters of 'dinnae strain yersel', Carsie...' it had been Keir and Rab who'd done all the work.
From hearing that, and all sorts of other strange words, maybe that was where he'd learned to curse...?
Even as he smiled, shaking his head at this wistful theory, he was starting to appreciate how they'd felt – a pair of hauntingly plaintive, big blue eyes turning a groan of 'oh, cra-' into a chuckle of rueful laughter.
As he'd surely learned himself, muttering curses in front of innocent young ears really wasn't a good idea.
Instead, still laughing, Carson reached down into Jamie's cot, gently lifting him onto his shoulder – his son's astonishing resemblance to him taking him back, again, to the carefree innocence of childhood.
God, every time he looked at Jai, Carson felt as if he was travelling through his very own time-warp. As his mother had said during their last trip home, it was like having her 'wee Carsie' back, all over again.
They'd all laughed then – especially when, after dinner, she'd brought out the famous family photos. Comparing father and son, at just over six months, it had been almost impossible to tell them apart.
And, of course, Laura had gleefully agreed to take copies of the best 'wee Carsies' back to Atlantis. God knew, Carson now dryly reflected, she'd had bloody plenty to choose from...!
Quietly grateful, for Jai's impressionable sake, that he'd cursed that last part in silence, he then sighed – returning, with some reluctance, to the far less enjoyable task of sorting through and boxing up.
Fate, though, and maybe something subconsciously more, seemed to be conspiring against him – another photo on his desk catching his attention now, as Carson gently settled Jamie back into his cot.
Inexplicably drawn to pick it up, he found himself taken back, yet again, into a happily carefree time.
It was the picture that Aiden – sweet, so sadly lost Aiden – had taken when they'd first arrived. As they'd celebrated their first victory over the Wraith, he'd taken this now so deeply poignant photo.
Arms companionably around each other's shoulders, they'd all happily 'cheesed' for the camera – John, Elizabeth, a gracefully curious Teyla... himself and Rodney too, of course, and... Aiden.
There was still a chance, of course, one that John Sheppard doggedly held onto, that he was still alive – that sometime, and somewhere in this crazy galaxy, they'd find Aiden Ford, bring him home, and find a way to cure him.
Until then, though...? Well, officially, he was MIA, and – sweet Lord, they'd lost so many others.
Carson swallowed hard. So much had happened to him since he'd posed, so happily, for that photo. Life here, in this constantly threatened city, had changed him – and not always for the better.
He'd seen things, faced things, been forced to do things that had gone against everything he believed in.
The tragedy on Hoff, a scar on his conscience that would never fully heal, had just been the start of it – what he'd done to Michael, its repercussions, and their brutal resolution, its equally tormenting end.
Did he still regret what he'd done...? He'd had no choice, of course, but... dear God, of course he did. As a doctor, he'd devoted his life to preserving others. And yet, he'd shot Michael down. He'd killed him.
And had it been worth it...? Could he ever fully forgive himself for what he'd done...?
Not sure if he'd ever be able to answer that question, Carson sighed, glancing hauntedly around him – swallowing hard now, for so many reasons, as he found that answer, right there, in front of his eyes.
Blinking innocently back at him, Jamie was laying at least some of those crippling regrets to rest – leaving just the fears for him to face now, as Carson lifted Jai back into his arms, holding him gently tight.
Not for the first time and, he dryly knew, not the last either, these fears for the future silently terrified him. Every father felt that, of course. But not many fathers had seen what he'd seen, or done what he'd done.
He couldn't change the past, of course, and he'd always regret the mistakes that he'd made there. But he'd make damn sure now, both for himself and his family, that he didn't make them again, because – well, for Carson Beckett, risking their lives through his choices and decisions was the greatest fear of all.
