Chapter 7:
"Titus has been banished. We have no way of knowing where he is." Lexa explained while walking toward the door.
"You're telling me you didn't have someone follow him to make sure he left?"
Lexa gripped the door knob and turned it.
"Yes, but that was days ago, Clarke."
"Send someone off in that direction then. Lexa, we need to talk to the Flamekeeper."
"He tried to kill you, Clarke!" She yelled as she turned back to face her. "He shot you! I watched you bleed on the floor, gasping for breath and you want me to bring him back here?"
Clarke stood silent. She wasn't prepared for that outburst.
"Lexa, I'm okay."
"Stop saying you're okay!" Lexa closed the door again so the guards wouldn't see them arguing. Although Clarke doubted the door would block out the sound of Lexa's words. "I felt your blood on my hands. I held my hands over a hole in your body to try to keep it inside while he stood there because he knew he almost hit me. He wasn't apologizing for shooting you, Clarke. He was apologizing because you saved him from murdering his Commander. I had to lie by your side and constantly watch to make sure you were still breathing. You have no idea what that is like."
"Yes, I do." Clarke said quietly. Lexa just stared at her. "When you fought Roan. What do you think that was like for me?" Clarke took a step toward her. "I tried to convince you not to fight, but you had to do it. I tried to convince him to work with me and when all hope was lost, I stood there and watch him nearly kill you. I could do nothing. What do you think that was like?"
Lexa lowered her head.
"I didn't know."
"Didn't know what?" Clarke turned and faced the balcony before turning back toward her.
"I didn't know how you felt then." Lexa responded. "I thought you needed assurances that your people would be taken care of."
"Lexa…" Clarke walked toward her and put her hands on her face, holding it in place, forcing her to look her in the eye. "For someone so smart, you are so stupid sometimes." She smiled at her and Lexa laughed mildly. "This whole time… ever since you knelt down in front of me, ever since I took your hand to make you stand back up, I knew it was you that I wanted… beyond what my people may need from a Commander. I needed you and I knew it then. So, yes. I do know what it's like to watch someone you love nearly die. I'm Wanheda. I know the feeling all too well." She pulled her hands away.
"You're leaving, Clarke. You'll be gone by the time Titus is returned." Lexa stated after several moments of silence while they stared at each other.
"Can you postpone the kill order again?"
"That would not be wise. The ambassadors are already angry it's taken this long for it to go into effect. They're already beginning to question me."
"I'll go after Titus. I can take Murphy. Your people will be focused on Arkadia and your lands. Titus is already beyond them. I'll find him and bring him back in secret."
"I will not send you to the man that nearly killed you. You cannot ask me to do that." Lexa retorted frustrated.
"He won't try to kill me again, Lexa. He knows there's no point."
"Beja, Clarke. Sen ai op." Listen to me, she begged. "Ai nou na teik yo dole daun."
"Yes, you can. You can let me do that."
"No, I can't. I won't." She reached for the door knob again. "You and Murphy will stay here. I will convene with the Commanders and hopefully they will grant my request for information. I'll send riders to locate Titus and return him here, but I cannot let you go find him."
"What about the kill order? Arkadia?"
"You'll stay here, Clarke."
"Lexa, you can't just keep me here. This can't be about us."
"It's not about you and I." She released the knob and turned to face her. "I promised Abby I would protect you and sending you to find the man that tried to kill you is not protecting you. If you still desire to return to Arkadia after we find Titus and learn what information we can from him, we will sneak you in in secret."
"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? What about Murphy?"
"You'll stay out of sight. I'll send Murphy back."
"We may need him." Clarke retorted. "He may have more information."
"He doesn't."
"How do you know?"
"Because I know, Clarke!" She yelled. "He will return to Arkadia and we will tell the ambassadors that you returned with him. You will remain here for your safety until Titus arrives and once we have the information from him, I will banish him once more and you and I can make a plan to bring down your corrupt leaders and attempt a peace between our people again."
"So, I'm a prisoner… again?" Clarke walked backwards toward her bed. "We're back here after everything?"
"You are not a prisoner, Clarke." Lexa walked toward her. "You are free to leave whenever you wish as always, but I am begging you to trust me." She was calmer now. "I trust you always. Please trust me now."
Clarke thought about her options. She could return to Arkadia with Murphy, but she'd miss whatever information Titus could provide about what was inside Lexa. She could go after Titus herself, but she knew it would break Lexa's heart and she could stay here and wait, which appeared to be the easiest option for everyone, which is probably why her brain was disagreeing with it. Easy hadn't worked on earth since they landed. She did, however, owe Lexa her trust.
"I'll stay until Titus returns and we have a chance to talk."
"Thank you." Lexa replied and walked toward the door again to turn the knob. When the door was opened, she turned to allow Clarke to walk through it first, but Clarke remained near her old bed with her arms crossed.
"I'm staying in here."
"Why?" Lexa asked.
"Because the fewer people that see me after Murphy leaves, the better."
"You can stay with me. I'll make sure the guards-"
"It's better if I stay in here."
"This is where it happened."
"It's a room, Lexa. It doesn't hold any power over me." She started to walk toward the balcony. "You should go."
"I'll return after Murphy leaves and I send riders for Titus."
"No."
"Clarke-"
"We shouldn't be seen together. People need to think I left. If you come in here all the time, they'll know I'm still here."
"So, you don't want to see me?"
"You said it yourself. This isn't about us." Clarke nodded toward the door. "I'll stay in here. Let me know when you find Titus."
She walked back onto the balcony knowing she wouldn't be able to stand out there once Murphy was gone and the people of Polis thought she'd gone with him.
"I love you." Lexa stated almost quietly enough for Clarke to have missed it, but she heard it and by the time she'd turned around, the door was closed and Lexa was gone.
"Wanheda has returned to Arkadia with the remaining members of Skaikru." Lexa began an introduction to her ambassadors immediately after entering the hall. She rushed toward her throne and stood in front of it, turning all in one movement. "It has been brought to my attention that the Flamekeeper has information we need to obtain the peace we all seek." She continued. There were grumbles, but she ignored them. "If Jus nou drein jus daun is to become our way, we must have him return briefly to be interrogated."
"You sent him away before learning this information?"
"We were not aware he possessed information we needed until now."
"We?" A second ambassador questioned.
"Wanheda and I." Lexa replied honestly.
There were more grumbles.
"Wanheda has left Polis."
"She has, but this information will assist us in building peace with the Skaikru as they work to change their leadership." She looked around the room for a moment. "I'm sending riders to return Titus to me. I will interrogate him and learn what he knows before he will once again be banished. You should return to your people. Tell them that the kill order is in effect and if a member of Skaikru steps foot on their lands outside of Arkadia, their Commander instructs them to kill them." She hated having to say this about Clarke's people, but she showed no emotion as she delivered the words to her ambassadors who were already questioning her relationship with Wanheda. "Once Pike and the others are dealt with, we will welcome Skaikru back to this coalition and have peace." She didn't wait for a response. "Gon we."
They nodded at her and each began to walk out of the room. Lexa sat back on her throne and looked to her right. So recently, Titus had stood there and defended her, but it was Clarke's position that she stared at now. Just a little further off to the right. Indra may have been her second in tradition and law, but Clarke had taken over that role long ago.
She knew she shouldn't return to Clarke's room. Despite the fact that she knew she could control her guards and keep them from spreading the truth that Clarke remained behind, she also knew Clarke was right. The more she was seen in that room or not seen at all, people would begin to wonder. They would begin to talk.
She returned to her own room instead, feeling it already empty since Clarke was not there waiting for her as she had been the past several days. She removed her makeup and changed her clothes. She did her best to push Clarke out of her mind as she sat on the floor in front of her bed once more to convene with the Commanders of old and learn what they would allow her to learn.
Her eyes closed and her mind was at rest when the first burst entered her mind.
It was like a lightning bolt. No, it was like many lightning bolts firing in her brain at one time. Her mind was trying to interpret the meaning behind the images. There were no voices to explain them. A woman with dark hair outside of a ship. Polaris. A scar on her neck. A symbol on her suit. Commander label on the front. A meeting between the woman and survivors. They were speaking. No, she was speaking to them, but Lexa couldn't make out what they were saying. There was no sound. She was in a room by herself now. Her hair was pulled back. She was looking in a mirror at the scar, which was healed. She was older now. Not much. Maybe a few years. Her hair was different. It was braided. She was wearing black and smearing paint over her face. The first Commander. There was a man with her. He was standing by her side in the assembly hall; in her room. The first Flamekeeper. A battle. The Commander's dead. The Flamekeeper is standing over her. He has a knife. Her body is lifeless and is rolled over. The scar is opened. More images rush into her brain in rapid succession. Lexa's eyes popped opened. She stood and grasped at the scar on her neck. She understood now.
The heavy doors to Clarke's room were opened and she jolted upright in bed.
"Lexa, what-"
"I know what it is."
"Know what what is?" Clarke stood, but regretted it as she moved too quickly and felt pain in her abdomen causing her to have to sit back down. Lexa moved to her side.
"Are you okay?"
"I just moved too fast. I thought we agreed you'd stay away."
"No one knows I'm here. The guards at your door were moved to give the illusion that you were gone. I dismissed my guards before I came here."
"That's not the point."
Lexa stood in front of a sitting Clarke.
"Clarke, this is my faith; my belief. It's all I've ever known."
"What are you talking about?" Clarke wiped at her sleepy eyes.
Lexa sat beside her. She looked exhausted.
"What's inside me isn't the spirit of Commanders."
Clarke didn't respond. That was something she already understood. She just reached over and took Lexa's hand in hers and watched as the girl stared at them linked together.
"It's okay." Clarke comforted. "Titus will-"
"We don't need Titus."
"What did you learn?" Clarke turned to face her and disconnected their hands.
"The City of Light, Alie, the chip, it was the first, but it wasn't the last." Lexa tried to explain.
"You're not making any sense."
"She wants the second."
"Lexa-"
"It's still coming to me. I can't." She looked down and shook her head. Clarke wasn't sure what was happening to her, but she was worried. "It's like I'm processing it all at once."
"Hey, look at me." Clarke lifted Lexa's head. "Come here. Lie down."
"If I sleep, it will get worse."
"Just lie down." Clarke slid down so she was lying and motioned for Lexa to climb on top of her. Lexa resisted at first, but then Clarke's arms opened and she pulled the girl so she was lying half on top of her and her arms wrapped around Lexa's back. "Take your time. Tell me what you know."
"I thought you were mad at me." Lexa placed her hand on Clarke's neck and slid her fingers over the girl's skin.
"I wasn't mad. I just…" She thought about how best to say what she wanted to say and then remembered that she should just be honest with Lexa now that they were beyond the passive aggressive, not sharing how they really felt stage in their relationship. "You're frustrating sometimes." Clarke's hands went under Lexa's shirt and stilled against her skin.
Lexa smirked.
"I know. So are you." Lexa replied. Clarke smiled and moved her hands slowly up and down the girl's back. "I can't seem to stay away from you though."
"Tell me what happened."
"We're were told stories of our origin and I believed them, but today the Commanders-" She stopped. She nuzzled her face into Clarke's neck. "It's a machine."
"What is?" Clarke asked her.
"Murphy was right. The first Commander was the inventor of the thing that caused the bombs." She paused for a moment. "She regretted what happened. I couldn't see it, but I could feel it. I could feel her, Clarke. When she landed on earth and saw the destruction she'd caused, she hated herself. She wanted to do something to fix it so she started a civilization."
"Go on."
"She had something in her neck too. When we become Commander, it's placed inside us, but we're told it's the spirit of the past Commanders. We believe they guide us to make the right decision for our people."
"But it's not." Clarke soothed her by continuing to hold her close.
"It's a machine. It's something from your Ark. It's-"
"AI. Artificial intelligence." Clarke finished for her.
"Yes." Lexa sounded defeated. "All this time I've believed in them."
Clarke hugged her closer.
"I know." She pushed at Lexa a little to get her to shift her position, which she did. Clarke rolled on her side to face her and brushed the hair out of the girl's eyes as she lay in front of her. "Did I ever tell you the whole story of what happened to my dad?"
"No, but we haven't really talked about our families, have we?"
"I guess not."
"Tell me now." Lexa put her hand on Clarke's hip.
"My dad discovered something on the Ark. We were running out of clean air among other things and he wanted to warn people. He thought it was the right thing to do. Kane and Jaha disagreed." She paused. "Before they floated my dad, before they arrested him and then arrested me for supporting him, I believed in them. I had no reason not too. Jaha's son and I were friends. I spent time in their home. He was our Chancellor. He had our best interest at heart, but the day my dad lost his life was the day my whole outlook changed." She cupped Lexa's face with her hand. "My whole world was different. I couldn't be floated because I was under 18, but they locked me up and I spent a year in solitary before they sent 100 of us down in a ship to see if this place was habitable."
"How have you not told me this before?" Lexa looked surprised.
"Because you're always too busy talking about your death." Clarke tried a joke. Lexa smiled.
"I'm sorry." She offered.
"We were an experiment. They didn't know if we'd survive. My mom orchestrated the whole thing. The day I found out, my world changed again. I'd lost my father and then I'd lost my mother. We had nothing when we first got here. We had a broken ship and the possibility of supplies hidden in a mountain. We'd believed in our leaders, in our parents, but we were on our own to make a new world."
"You had no idea we were here?"
"No, we were told survival would have been impossible. We thought we were the first people on earth in almost 100 years until Jasper took a spear to the chest."
"One of my people?"
"Yes." Clarke answered her. "You may not have Commanders in your dreams anymore and we'll figure out everything else, but you are strong, Lexa. You already changed your outlook on blood must have blood. Your teachers may have been wrong, but that doesn't change anything. You're still you. You're still the Commander. You have the chance to tell your people the truth if you want or to allow them to continue to believe what they've always believed."
"What do I do?" She asked her while closing her eyes briefly. Clarke leaned forward and pressed her lips against hers gently.
"It's not my decision to make. You will make the right decision though. Noun, fiyanes, en uf."
Lexa opened her eyes and glared at her confused.
"The three pillars of the Commander?"
"You have them, Lexa. You will make the right decision for your people and you will bring peace to my people and your people."
Lexa closed her eyes again.
"Can I sleep in here tonight?" She asked. "I would feel better if-"
"Yes." Clarke replied.
Lexa moved back to her previous position and Clarke wrapped her arms around her.
"Clarke?"
"Mm?" She mumbled in reply.
"I think I want it out of me."
Clarke's eyes opened.
"We'll talk to Titus when he gets here." She ran her hands up and down her back again. "We have to make sure it's safe."
"What if I'm no longer the Commander when it's gone?"
"You told me they advise you, but you make your own decisions."
"That's true."
"Then, regardless of what that thing is or does, you've always been the Commander and always will be." She kissed her forehead. "Sleep. I'll be here."
