Beecher awoke in a daze. The alcohol was gone from his system but it left a nice parting gift, confusion. "Wow, I have not drank that much since college. How the hell did I get home? How the fuck did I get dressed for bed?" Beecher had gotten use to waking up in strange place smelling like week-old ass after his nights out, but finding himself in bed not covered in dry vomit was a shock to the system. "Maybe I was not as drunk as I thought." He got out of bed and noticed an acrid smell coming from the corner of his room. Upon an investigation, he soon found the cause of the rancid aroma, the clothes from last night. Something was different about the smell this time. Something was missing. He picked up his shirt and took a big whiff, trying to place what was missing from the smell. Out of nowhere it hit him. There was not any vomit on the clothes "Damn, this is a first. I must have not been that drunk. I guess Dr. Miller was right you do calm down with age." He laughed, thinking about the stories his U.S. Constitution professor had told him while he was still in school. Toby decided to do some laundry to get rid of the alcohol/sweat smell. He never knew when his parents might show up for a surprise visit and he was in no mood for one of his father's lectures. He dropped the dirty clothes in the washer and poured in the detergent. When he pulled the knob to start the load, his stomach let out a loud low growl. "Jesus, I'm hungry. I guess a man cannot live on cereal alone. I must remember to send Miller a thank-you note for all the free advice." On his way to the kitchen, the stranger on his couch startled Toby. "Who the hell? Is that the Chris guy from yesterday? What the hell is he doing on my couch? HEY!" Chris jumped to a sitting position when he heard the yell. "What the hell are you doing in my apartment?"
It took Chris a few seconds to realize the angry voice was talking to him. All he could manage to say in response was a groggy "Huh?"
Toby grew annoyed because that was not the answer he was looking for. "I said what the hell are you doing in my apartment?"
Hearing the question for the first time, a large grin began to spread across Chris' face. "I take it you don't remember last night then?"
The large smile on Chris' face made Toby uneasy, causing his eyes to grow large for a second. He tried to hide the discomfort but he was pretty sure Chris had seen it. "What the hell do you mean?"
"You know, you sure do cuss a lot for a Harvard grad."
"Will you stop with the fucking jokes and answer my damn question?"
Keller wanted to continue playing with Toby but decided to stop it. It was not smart to screw with someone when you barely knew them and they could not remember why you were in their house. "You got drunk at the Cat Scratch Club and I took you home."
Toby let out a sigh of relief. "Thank god that is it."
"What is that supposed to mean, Toby?"
"I thought you meant we had sex. I am just relieved that you drove me home."
An idea popped into Chris' head. He thought this would be a great chance to screw with Toby some more. He pretended like he was offended by what Beecher said. "What are you trying to say? I am not attractive enough for you to sleep with me?"
"No, it is not that. It is just…"
"Are you trying to say that I am not good enough for you? I am attractive enough to sleep with, but just not good enough for lawyer boy, huh?
"No, I am not saying you are not good enough. It… It is… It is just… GOD!"
Keller could no longer contain his laughter. "Relax, Beecher. I am just fucking with you."
Beecher tried to look pissed off but was glad that Chris had been joking with him. "You know you are not funny at all. You could have just put me in a taxi."
"Then you would have woken up outside your apartment without your wallet."
"I was that bad last night?"
"Do you remember any thing from last night?"
"Not really," Beecher said, running his fingers through his short hair. When his fingers hit the bumps on each side of head he got a little nervous. "What the hell are these?"
"Shit. I was hoping there wouldn't be a mark."
"What?" Toby's eyes looked like they were about to bulge out of his head. "What the hell did you do to me last night?"
"I didn't do a damn thing to you?"
"Then how the fuck did I get two fucking lumps on the side of my head?" Toby took a minute to calm himself down. "Why don't you tell me what happened last night." With that, Chris began to recite the events of last night leading up to him falling asleep on the couch. He left out the part about Beecher playing in his puke. He figured Toby would be embarrassed enough without having that part of the story told to him. "Jesus, I am surprised that I did not puke all over myself, hearing how drunk I was." Keller tried to suppress the "that's what you think" look that he knew was on his face, but he was too slow; Toby had noticed the look before Keller could hide it. His face grew a bright red as he talked. "When did I do that?"
"Not long after I got you out of the club. Do you have a habit of playing in your puke?"
"You have to be kidding me. I cannot believe that I did that."
"I wish I was because that was nasty. It almost made me upchuck."
"Thanks for trying to spare me humiliation. Well, since you are here, would you like some breakfast?"
With the mention of food, Keller remembered how long it had been since he last ate and how hungry he was. "Sure, I never turn down free food."
"What do you want?" Beecher called out from the kitchen.
"Whatever you feel like making is fine with me. I'm not a picky eater." With that said, Keller got off the couch and started to look around the living room. He soon found something that caught his eye. It was Beecher's CD collection. He started to look through the numerous cases. After a few minutes of browsing, Keller had finally finished. He found that Beecher had quite an interesting taste in music. He seemed to be quite fond of female artists, Chris had noticed because of all the Tori Amos, Fiona Apple, Bif Naked, Evanescence, K.T. Tunstall, Tracy Chapman, and Hole CDs that Toby had. "You seem to have quite a unique taste in music Toby."
"Why do you say that?"
Chris looked at Toby's CDs again and pulled out a few oddities "Just from what I have seen. You have Panic! at the Disco, Tracy Chapman, The Dresden Dolls, Evanescence, and lets not forget that band you had in the car. That was just fucking weird music."
"Who do I have in the car?"
"Why are you asking me? I have never head that song before. All I can remember was them talking about feeding something some poisoned cake or something along those lines."
Toby thought about it for a few seconds to figure out who it could be. "Oh, that is Scissor Sisters. What is wrong with them?"
"Nothing if you are in to that kind of music. I was just saying that they were kind of strange. You mind if I take a look around your place?"
"Help yourself but there is not anything special about it. It is your typical apartment."
Without a word Chris turned around and started to look through the rest of the house. He decided to start with the restroom since he knew where that was and because he needed to piss. He was impressed by the size of Toby's bathroom. After looking around the room he remembered why he was here. After a quick piss Chris continued his expedition . he skipped over the bedroom since he got a nice view of it last night. When he came to the end of the hall, he found the only room that he had not seen before. Deciding to go in, Chris turned the knob and pushed open the door. "No mother fuckin way!" his jaw dropped open as he saw the black grand piano staring back at him. He quickly turned around and headed towards the living room. He flipped through Beecher's CDs looking for the one he wanted. "There you are." He jogged back towards the piano and placed the CD in the player that was sitting on top of the piano and pressed play. He skipped the first few songs until he found the one he wanted. Normally he would warm up before he would play any piece but he decided to pass this time. It had been years since Chris had a chance to play and he was not going to waste a second now that he could. He started the song and began to play along. His fingers matching perfectly with the grief-stricken piano on the CD.
I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
From the kitchen, Toby could hear singing and a piano playing. "Hey, Chris, could you turn the radio down some? It is kind of distracting." He waited a couple of seconds but there was no change. "Come one, man, just a little." Still nothing. Toby moved the eggs from the stove then washed his hands. "Fine, I will turn off the…" he looked around the living room, but Chris and the music were not there. He turned and started down the hall. With each step, he took the music kept getting louder. He pushed open the door to his spare room and found Chris sitting in front of the piano playing with the CD player.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.
Chris had been oblivious to Beecher's calls. Instead, he had become a captive to the music. He had been sucked deep into another world where the only thing that existed was the piano and the music. He closed his eyes while he played, allowing the music to wash over him, his hands remembering every note. Chris was pulled so far into the music that he failed to notice the door behind him swing open and the blonde with the perplexed look on his face staring at him.
Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
Toby was in awe of the man sitting in front of him. He would have never thought that Christopher Keller knew how to play the piano nor could play it so well. He just stood there watching, not wanting to make a sound in case it would cause Chris to stop playing. He was entranced by the contradiction he saw sitting before him. This big strong man seemed so fragile while he played this song.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
The music was intoxicating Chris the longer he played along with the song. Each note tearing at his soul. Pieces of him ripping to shreds as the voices cries out in anguish. The words meanings amplified be the grief of the piano and the haunting vocals. A tear forming as the secret meaning of the song pulled at Chris' heart, stirring up emotions that have been buried for so long.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now...
All of Toby's worries had started to slowly fade away as the music worked its way in to his soul, calming him. The piano brought a sense of peace to Toby. A smile began to spread across his face for no particular reason. The constant fighting with his father and all of his self-destructive behavior had taken their toll on him. But for the first time in a long while, Toby felt good about himself. All of his self-hatred and doubt seemed to have left him for the time being.
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.
Chris poured the last of his strength into the closing notes, enjoying the drained feeling that he had not felt in years. A silence had fallen over the room. Toby was trying to formulate a complete thought to express his amazement. His mastery of the English language seemed to be of no help for the time being. "That was really good, Chris." Toby's voice caused Chris to jump a little. "Sorry, I did not mean to scare you."
"It's ok. I didn't know you were in here. How long have you been standing there?"
"For the most of the time. I heard you playing in the kitchen. I thought you were in the living room so I went to turn down the radio when you did not answer me but I was surprised to not find you in there. Then I just followed the music and found you here."
"When I was looking through your apartment I found the piano and I had to play it. I hope you don't mind."
"I could care less. I hate to play the damn thing and I never play it."
"Why do you have a piano in you apartment if you hate it?"
"It was a house warming gift from my father. He thinks that you cannot call a place a home without a piano. Weird, I know, but he was brought up with a piano in his house. He learned how to play when he was growing up and he thinks that everyone should play, that some how it enriches your life. My brother and I were forced to take lessons for years."
"Oh, I see. Do you still play?"
"As little as I can. My dad will not shut the fuck up when he comes over unless I play something. I would have gotten rid of this bitch if they did not come over. How did you learn to play? Did your parents make you take lessons too?
Keller's eyes darkened as his mind flashed back to his childhood. "No, I taught myself."
Toby could feel the atmosphere dim and noticed the change in Chris' demeanor when he mentioned his parents. "I am sorry, man, I did not mean…" Chris talking cut off Toby. He spoke in a monotone that seemed distant, almost like he was reciting a speech that he had no feeling for or like he was reading a menu.
"When I was growing up my mother use to drink every day and she use to beat me all the time. It got so bad once that she knocked me out for an entire day. That time she broke my left arm, three ribs, and cracked my skull. She took me to the hospital when I was passed and said that I fell down a flight of stairs. I had to stay in the hospital for a week by myself. She didn't even show up to pick me up when discharged from the hospital. I wasn't surprised when I had to walk home. She was probably passed out drunk in the living room. From then on I spent as little time as I could at home. I would look for any and every excuse to stay away from home. Normally, I would go to school early and stay until they kicked me out. When I was walking around the school I went backstage to avoid being caught by one of the teachers who were still there. That is where they kept the old piano they used for shows and for what ever else they needed it for. From then on, I would spend hours playing with the piano. I never learned how to read music, I just memorized each note. It took me a while to get it down but once I did I could play most songs. Playing the piano became like an escape for me. Whenever I became sad or upset I would just pour it in to the piano and I would feel so much better afterwards. It was nice just hearing the music and knowing that I was the one who was responsible for creating it. I was proving my mother wrong, I wasn't worthless or a failure when I was playing."
Both men just looked at each other when Chris finished his story, neither one wanting to talk. The look on Keller's face was demonstrating the pain of his childhood for the first time in years. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, the pain was not going away. Chris used to go to a shrink to try and make the things better but it never worked. The doctor had told him that he would get better if he talked with her about his childhood, but she was a fucking liar. It did no get better, it got worse. Opening up the old wounds only caused him more pain. Reliving the torment of his youth was a failure. He was still just as fucked up as when he came to the shrink, now he was depressed as well. He began to rub the scar on his arm, the souvenir he had from his therapy. After stopping the therapy, Chris was left with refreshed memories and no way to stop the painful flashbacks. He tried to drown them in alcohol but that just reminded him of his mother. He tried to keep busy so he would not think, tried talking with his few friends, tried sleeping with anyone that crossed his path, but none of it worked. He still felt horrible about himself.
Toby had been studying Chris while he was lost in thought. He noticed that Chris had begun to rub his arm. Looking closer he noticed a mark on his arm. There was this small line running up Keller's forearm. Toby reached out and softly grabbed Chris' wrist. He slid the sleeve of his thermal shirt up and ran his fingers up the mark. The touch brought Chris out of his daydream and back to reality. The fingers on his wound sparked conflicting emotions to life in Chris. The warmth of Toby's touch sent shiver down his spine, but the embarassment of having carelessly revealed the reminder of that dark day three years ago. Chris' initial thought was to pull his arm away from Toby but the look of concern and the soft touch changed his mind.
"What is this from?" Beecher asked, looking into his eyes, still softly stroking the mark.
"It is a reminder of a time I tried to end my life three years ago."
"Oh my God, Chris, I'm so sorry." He let go of his arm and looked down. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry."
Chris felt a sadness come over him when Toby took his hand away. He wanted to pick up Toby's arm and put it back but decided against it. "It's ok, Tobe. It isn't that big of a deal, honestly."
"Do you feel like talking about it?"
Normally Chris would tell someone to fuck off if they asked. Why should he tell them something so personal? They did not give a shit about him no matter how hard they tried to fake it. But this was different. Toby was different. He seemed so sincere, like he actually cared for some reason that Chris could not figure out. "Basically, I started to see a shrink a few years ago. I was having problems in my life so I thought I should get some help. Actually, this chick I was seeing at the time thought I should. So to shut her up, I went and it was a huge fucking mistake. Instead of getting better, she just opened up old memories, memories that I had repressed. So instead of staying there and listening to anymore of this bullshit of how it was helpful, I took things in to my own hands. I self medicated with lots of sex and alcohol. Well, one day I was alone in my old apartment with no one to talk to or any thing to drink, so I spent the whole day wallowing around in my self-loathing until I couldn't take it any more. I filled up the tub with some warm water grabbed a knife from the kitchen and got in to the tub. I set there for a few minutes just staring at the knife, debating on if I would do it. Finally I just took a deep breath and slid the cold steel down my arm. I watched as the water began to change colors as the blood drained from my body. A little after the water started to grow a dark shade of red I lost consciousness. I guess my roommate came home not to long after I passed out because I woke up in a hospital. I was so pissed off that I tried to rip out the stitches so I could finish the job I started. As soon I started that a nurse stabbed me with a needle and I went back to sleep. The next time I woke up my arms had been placed in restraints so that I couldn't try it again." Chris' body began to quiver as he tried to repress the emotions that were building up inside of him. A tear rolled down his cheek as he began to lose control. He closed his eyes trying to keep the rest of the tears from forming. He felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders and pull him over to a body that was now sitting next to him. He lowered his head and placed it on the shoulder allowing the tears to come full force. A hand began to stroke the back of his head tenderly as he wept.
"It is ok, Chris. It is all going to be ok. I promise it will be." Toby continued to comfort the broken man sitting next to him until he regained his composure. "There you go. Are you feeling any better after getting that out?"
Chris shook his head and tried to talk. His voice was dry and cracking. "I'm sorry about all this, Tobe."
"Don't be, Chris. You needed to get that out of you. Keeping things like that in you is not healthy and you know that," he said while rubbing the scar on Chris' arm again. "If you still feel like eating breakfast it is ready." Both men got up from the piano bench and walked towards the kitchen.
