Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago Fire or any of the characters, that's NBC's department.
Author's Note: I am incredibly sorry about how late I am getting this story updated. I don't know if I had mentioned already that I am a college undergraduate, but I had two papers that came up due last week. Thursday night I had an amazingly quick onset of flu, from which I am just now feeling better. If you've ever had the body aches and chills that you get with seasonal flu, you understand that you don't want to do anything, because it hurts too much. I could barely even catch up on my Netflix list because it hurt my eyes too much to watch the screen. So! In apology to my readers and loyal reviewers, I have two more chapters after this one to upload this week. In the upcoming weeks (unless something crazy comes up) I'll try to stick to that schedule of updating.
Chapter 7
"Tell me it's not giving up, Kelly." Matt's eyes pleaded with Severide. Severide's heart twisted in his chest; it was odd hearing his first name spoken aloud. Honestly, he had no idea what to say to Casey. Taking a desk job downtown for CFD was obviously not giving up, but Casey clearly didn't think so; Severide didn't know if anything he said would make Casey believe otherwise. He suddenly needed another cigarette. "Look, Matt. You're doing anything but giving up. You're one of the strongest people I know. Look at all the shit you've been through. Lots of people wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning if they were in your place." Severide gave in and lit up another smoke. "Transferring downtown isn't giving up. Maybe you're just what the CFD needs, someone to light a fire under the asses downtown and actually get shit done."
Casey pressed his lips together and took a shuddering breath. "It's just hard, you know. It's hard to think about going from working on Truck to working at a desk. Everyone's telling me it could just be temporary, but there's always the chance that I'll never recover to the point that I can go back to working on Truck." He reached for his cup of coffee and downed the remains, grimacing at the cold liquid.
"You talked to Gabby, right? What did she say?" Severide's question made Casey flinch as he flashed back to yesterday, after he had gotten home from the hospital. Gabby was already home from probie academy when he returned to the house hours before he should have. She had sprawled out on the couch, trying to take a much-needed nap when Casey quietly came through the door.
Got to remember how light of a sleeper Gabby is.
She was up immediately, rushing towards him, asking him what was wrong, and why he was home so early. "Why aren't you at the station, Matt? Did something happen?"
So this was how Matt was going to have to discuss everything with Gabby, not a single aspect of it in his control. No, babe, nothing's wrong, I just transferred out of 51 because I'm seeing dead people and blacking out. No worries. "I blacked out at work today on a run. Boden made me go to the hospital. It turns out I'm not as back to normal as I thought I was."
Gabby had led him to the couch, stroking his back and speaking soothingly, "What's in the bag, prescriptions? What else did your doctor say?"
Casey had taken a deep breath. "Well, because of my brain injury I have these blackouts, and I sometimes see things that aren't there. Like the other day when I got us kicked out of that wine and tapas place. That was because of my injury. I can't work on Truck for the time being, since I'm basically a liability the way I am now." He swallowed hard around the thick lump in his throat. "Boden hooked me up with some people downtown; I'm transferring to CFD headquarters for now. They said the job switch doesn't have to be permanent, but it just as well might be. I don't know what to think, Gabby."
Gabby nodded her head, thinking. "I'm glad you're not hurt even worse. It's just, I don't know. How long have you known that you weren't okay? I've been worried about you for weeks, but you always insisted you were fine. It's pretty obvious now you aren't fine, and I just have a hard time believing that you were completely unaware of how bad it is." She grabbed Matt's hand. "Listen, I really care about you. We took a really big step moving in together. I've always been honest with you. It hurts me to think you're not being honest with me. Why even bother trying to make this work if we're not honest with each other?"
Matt couldn't look Gabby in the eyes. His voice shook. "It's not like that, babe, I promise. I wasn't even being honest with myself." He pressed his fingertips into his forehead. "The last thing I want is to drive you away because of my problem. I'm trying to work through it. Please believe me." He turned red, pleading eyes on Gabby. He was scared out of his mind.
"I understand, Matt. I'm just worried that you didn't take us seriously enough to tell me the truth about what was going on with you." Gabby squeezed Matt's hand. He pulled his hand away.
"What do you mean; I didn't take us seriously enough?"
"I mean that you obviously didn't trust me enough to let me in completely. That's a problem, Matt."
"That's bullshit. It has nothing to do with trust or honesty. I've been really confused these past few months, babe. You know I've seen, hell, I've been talking to Andy lately? How's that for confused?"
"Wait, what did you say? Andy? Andy Darden? You've been hallucinating?"
"A little. My doctor knows about it. These drugs'll help with that."
"You didn't think that hallucinating was serious enough to talk to someone about? That would have been a red flag for me."
The conversation had deteriorated past the point of saving. Casey was miserable. His head was throbbing, and his vision had begun to blur. "I can't change anything or make you believe me. I love you, Hallie, and…."
Shit. Did I just say that? That did not just happen.
The look on Gabby's face tore Casey's heart in two. He couldn't believe that he had let that slip. Even though Hallie wasn't really an ex, calling your girlfriend your dead fiancée's name wasn't a good thing. It wouldn't earn him any extra points, at least. "Okay, Matt. I see. I don't think we're going to get anywhere talking." She got up and grabbed her puffy jacket from the chair, plucking her keys from the table.
"Please don't go, babe. I can't be alone tonight. We can talk this out."
"I know we can talk this out. I'm just…..I need to get out of the house tonight. It's me, Matt. I'm upset, and I don't want that to make things worse. I…I'm sorry."
Just like that, she was gone; Casey was all alone. He stared at his phone through tired eyes, trying to make himself dial a number and talk to someone. He just couldn't make himself do it. He couldn't believe how he had reacted, to Gabby of all people. He didn't want to alienate anyone else. He thought about calling Severide, just to hear another familiar voice, but he remembered that he would still be on shift. He didn't know if Kelly would even be able to answer his call. Casey's chest ached.
"I'm sorry, Matt. She'll be back. I promise. Heather and I had fights all the time, worse than that. She'll be back, don't worry." Andy had made himself comfortable on the couch next to Casey; well, as comfortable as a dead guy could be.
"I called her Hallie, Andy. Hallie." Casey kicked the coffee table. "What's wrong with me?"
Andy pursed his lips. "Well, you experienced blunt force trauma to your hard head, which unfortunately wasn't hard enough." He ruffled Casey's short hair.
"I know that. I mean, I just pissed Gabby off so much she doesn't even want to be in the same house with me tonight. That's what I mean, what's wrong with me?"
"Like I said, you had your first fight. You'll work through it. If you can't, then you guys were screwed to begin with." Andy held up his hands. "Sorry, I'm just being honest. But I really do think you guys are better than that. She's just scared. She probably needs some time to process everything. Cut her some slack. Cut yourself some, too." Andy pointed at the untouched bag of prescriptions on the table. "Did you even read your info sheets that came with your pills, or take your first doses yet?" Casey shook his head. "We can read them together, and figure out what the best way is for you to start taking these, okay? Then maybe you should go get some sleep. Things will make more sense in the morning."
Yeah right.
Severide felt worse for Casey the longer he listened to him talk. He was hurting, that was for sure. Part of Severide couldn't believe Gabby had run out last night, and the other part of him completely understood. He had no idea how he would react in that situation. "So, you're saying that Andy helped you take your medicine?" He couldn't help the small smile that crept over his face. Severide didn't think that seeing Andy meant Casey was crazy. If he was honest with himself, he would love to be able to see Andy again, even if it wasn't real. He took a final drag on his cigarette, the nicotine satiating him for the time being.
"Kinda. I guess. After that I had to call CFD headquarters to make sure they had gotten my latest records. Lakeshore faxed them for me so I didn't have to worry about it. Boden has a buddy who was all ready for me. I talked to him on the phone; Chief O'Reilly. Someone in his department just retired, and I'm taking his place. I don't even know what I'll be doing. Just…something in an office, somewhere." Casey's eyes were achingly red, staring down the quiet street. "Gabby hasn't come home yet. I don't blame her, really."
"I'll stay until she gets here. I can even hang out while she's here, too, if you want. I mean, I won't bug you guys while you talk or anything. Just….you know, if you need anything." Severide pointed at the bag of bagels. "Maybe we could go inside and eat these? It's warmer than it's been lately, but it's not exactly patio weather, man."
A ghost of a smile passed Casey's lips. "Okay. I need to take my pills anyway. I sound like an old man, huh?"
"Sure, pops." Casey laughed at Severide's name calling, a genuine smile appearing this time.
"You know, Kelly, I really….thanks for coming over this morning. You don't know how much you helped me just by showing up over here."
"It's nothing. Seriously, man? I'm just glad you're not in the hospital or crushed underneath a burning pile of rubble. We're good." Severide clapped Casey on the back and offered a smile. "Let's get some coffee inside and we can talk some more, if you want."
The two stood up to go inside, but Casey stood up a little too quickly. His vision swam, and a white-hot rush of pain shot through his head. He felt his legs buckle just as Severide's strong arms grabbed his torso, breaking his fall. He heard Severide's voice through a haze, "Hey, don't check out on me, huh? You okay?"
All of Casey's five senses were confused. He shook his head. "I'm fine. I just got up too quickly." Severide threw Casey's arm around his neck and linked his own arm around Casey's midsection, helping him through the door. "Don't pass out on me, okay?" Damn it, Casey. I can't lose you, too.
Continued in Chapter 8
