Unmei no Haguruma

(Wheel of Fate)

Part VII: Avoidance

Megumi had woken up shortly after noon and heard the distant sounds of the clinic in its daily routine. Her mind whirled and her heart ached. It was all just too much; she needed to get away. She needed to absorb everything that had happened. Everything that was happening.

Ever since he had made that deceptively simple proclamation, she had been struggling with her own heart.

Seta Soujirou was no longer the killer she knew him to be. He was as conflicted as she had ever been, as caught up in pain and fear and hate, but since he had come to the clinic, she had seen the changes, seen him evolving into a person she almost recognized.

~He is too much like us. Like me. And like…~

Her thought was interrupted by an echo of Soujirou's voice. "I am not Himura Kenshin."

~And I don't want you to be! I don't want you to be anyone! Not to me! Why did you come to our clinic? You're just like him. Just like me. You have come to hate what you were… Why can I not hate who you have become?~

But she knew the answer, even as Soujirou's "voice" responded to the thought. ~"That's easy. I have all the qualities you admire in him, only I'm younger, stronger, and I don't have a thing for anyone else!"~ The Soujirou in her mind had an impudent grin, she noted, wondering why for all the time he spent smiling, it still so rarely reached his eyes.

~Enough of this! I need to get away from here. But where can I go? Oh, it doesn't matter where I go! I've just got to get away…~ She rose from the futon, packed her travel kit, and wrote a note for her brother.

~That little drawing… I wonder if Toshi-niisama will remember it?~

She propped the note up on the folded futon and picked up her bag. Checking to see that no one was in sight, she slipped out the door and made her way through the streets of Aizu.

The journey was three days by coach; she shared with an older couple and their young grandson. On the first day, the boy stared at her with wide eyes; by the second, he was sleeping on her lap and calling her "oneesan". At first his grandparents were mortified when he began to talk to the stranger, asking her where she was going and why was she so pretty. Megumi had laughed and reassured them. "He reminds me of my nephew," she had said.

Though he wasn't her nephew by blood, Kenji had taken to calling her "Megu-basan" – "Auntie Meg". It both warmed and broke her heart; more than once she had idly toyed with the idea of pushing Kaoru off a cliff before she'd learned that the younger woman was carrying Kenshin's child.

At first the news had devastated her; although she was glad that Kenshin had found his happiness, she wished it could have been with her. It was more important to her, however, that he be happy.

And now she was going back to intrude on that happiness with her own torment. She didn't intend to let them know of her visit, however; her half-formed plan involved appearing on Oguni Genzai's doorstep and begging sanctuary for a few days. ~Sanctuary and sympathy, truthfully. I should have sent a note.~

Not that there had been time. She had sneaked out unannounced, after all; her trip was not planned, and it was only when she found herself at the coach post that she consciously realized she was heading for Tokyo.

It should not have surprised her; all she had ever known was suffering and misery anywhere else. Only in Aizu had she known happiness – and then in Tokyo. Her time in Nagasaki, as a young child, was too hazy to remember well, but all of her happy memories were of her family. Nagasaki was too full of strangers; perhaps in Aizu, she had believed, she could make a new home.

She thought she had been vindicated… And then a ghost from the past had shown up in her clinic.

Her face flushed as she remembered the first time she had personally encountered the man now calling himself Senmai Soushi. There she had stood, clad in nothing more than water droplets when the door to the bath had slid open… Even when Kenshin had walked in on Kaoru, at least he'd had the decency to do so when she was sitting beneath the water!

Megumi's hand reached up to touch her hair; she had taken the time to put it back in its coronet of braids before leaving. She hadn't worn it that way on her last visit; she hoped it would distract the others enough that they might not question her immediately on why she was there. She had no idea what she was going to say when they did, inevitably, ask…

Saying, "I ran away from home because I think Seta Soujirou is in love with me," was definitely out of the question. Especially since she wasn't entirely sure that she didn't feel the same way about him. But how to explain his presence? She'd never mentioned him in her letters for the same reason.

Her own words of months earlier still rang in her own ears: ~Why would he not save someone unless that someone couldn't be saved!~

~"Maybe because the best way he knew to save that person was to let him find his own path, a different path than the one first learned?"~ Soujirou's reply was burned in as indelibly.

And once again, her own voice told her, ~Only in your case, it wasn't the life path, it was the path of the heart… Was it meant to be? Is this part of the wheel, is it karma after all? Perhaps there is a reason for everything, but I wish it made more sense!

And then they were at Shinbashi station, arriving in Tokyo… The doctor said her farewells to her traveling companions and set off down a familiar path.

When she arrived at the clinic, it was in chaos. She stopped a child in the waiting room.

"A runaway cart," he said. "My brother was hurt. A lot of people were hurt." He was putting up a rather brave front, but his eyes were bright with worry and his lip trembled.

"We'll do everything we can," she said.

The boy looked at her. He seemed to be around nine or ten, and his eyes narrowed, dredging up a memory from his early childhood. "Hey, aren't you Ogunisensei's assistant, Megumisensei?"

She nodded.

"Hey, everyone! Megumisensei's here!" A small, ragged cheer went up in the room, and Megumi made a face.

"Oh, hush, you're going to give me a swelled head. Save it for after everyone's been tended!" She tossed her head and smiled haughtily, gaining not a few smiles in return as she disappeared inside.

Oguni Genzai took one look at her, nodded, and said, "Everything's in the same place."

She nodded, scrubbed in, and got to work.

"Where's your new assistant?" she asked at one point.

"He took some time off to be with his family. The patriarch is failing."

Some time later, he asked, "Do the others know you're here?"

She shook her head. "And I'd prefer to keep it that way for now."

"They'll find out."

"Not through you," she replied, and the look she gave him caused him to raise his hands and plead mercy for her to trust in his discretion.

Though there were several injuries from the incident, few of them were severe, and it was not long before the two doctors had the situation under control. When they were at last alone, Genzai looked at Megumi and sighed. "Something tells me you didn't come for the pleasure of my company alone. I'm sure if you had, you would have sent notice in advance."

Megumi nodded and continued to wash the surgical implements. "Something came up rather abruptly."

"And you needed sanctuary?" The doctor's brows rose. "Did you fight with your brother?"

Megumi shook her head. "Not precisely. Not recently. Not… That's not it."

"Did someone try to hurt you?" The old man's eyes darkened.

"Not… Not exactly. Not intentionally." Megumi concentrated very diligently on the task at hand, unable to look at her old friend.

"There's a man, isn't there."

Megumi's shoulders slumped slightly.

"Did he turn you down? Only an idiot would turn you down," the doctor began, but Megumi cut him off with a shake of her head.

"It's not like that. It's complicated."

Oguni Genzai shook his head, snickering. "You are involved in something complicated? Who would imagine?"

Now Megumi leveled a glare at him. "That rooster-headed jerk has been rubbing off on you lately."

The doctor sighed. "Megumikun, I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong. I can only guess and try to lift your mood."

"A man with a past, on a long journey to find his answers, has come to rest at the Takani Clinic. That's the short version."

"Hmm. A man with a past and a quest for answers? That's not familiar at all," the doctor said dryly. "What's the long version?"

"Would you rather I start with the fact that he once stood at the right hand of Shishio Makoto?"

The doctor lost all sight of any humor in the situation. "What? Megumikun – you have to tell Kenshinsan –"

"No!" Megumi's desperation showed in every line of her body. "No, not yet. There's a lot more than that. He says he's found his answers. That he wants to follow the path of atonement by becoming a healer. He's set aside his sword and his name, and he has worked very hard to overcome his darkness."

"So which is it, Megumikun?"

"Which is what?"

"Has he fallen in love with you? Or you with him?"

She sighed. "I'm not sure. I'm fairly certain he has fallen for me. But then, the very first time we met…"

The color tinting her cheeks was enough; the doctor's lecherous streak made him grin.

"This is gonna be good," he smirked.

"Dirty old man. He was barely able to stand from weakness. He hadn't eaten or slept in days when he came to the clinic, and had been neglecting himself for far longer than that. I guess my brother didn't realize… For his sake, I HOPE he didn't realize! He told Soushisan to take a bath. Only… I was still there."

Now it was the doctor's turn to blush as he eyed his favorite former assistant.

"Stop it, you filthy letch," Megumi half growled.

"Oh, don't hold it against me! Although, maybe you should…"

Moments later, Megumi brushed off her hands and resumed cleaning, leaving a huddled, whimpering heap of doctor opposite her.

He lay there, hamming it up and begging for her mercy until she finished washing up; as she gave no sign of coming to his aid, he sighed and arose.

He went into the back quarters where Megumi was already making tea. "Forgive me, Megumikun. I'll listen now."

So she told him, slowly and with many interruptions, of the events that had been piling up since the last time she'd been in Tokyo. Though it was less than a year, it seemed fuller somehow. She admitted that it was already hard to envision a time when it had only been her and her brother. She admitted her uncertainty as to whether her feelings for Soujirou were mere remnants of those she felt for Kenshin and the similarity of their plights, or whether she had genuinely come to admire and respect him in his own right.

"He thinks Kensan's idea of protecting the weak is misguided!" Her indignation was apparent.

"Who does?" The voice behind her was unexpected; she froze. "Megumidono?"

"Ke… Kensan…" She turned and tried to smile.

"Your hair looks very nice like that. Genzaisensei," he nodded.

"Thank you, Kenshinsan!" The doctor's eyes twinkled mirthfully. "I worked hard to style it this way!"

"Oro?"

Megumi kept her composure, though she wasn't sure how. "You simply must tell me who does your hair," she said to the older doctor, playing it up.

Oguni Genzai affected a manner that was supposed to be maidenly, but exaggerated far beyond the realm of seriousness. "Oh, there's this lovely girl not far from here, she charges a fortune but she is so worth it!"

A smacking sound drew their attention; both doctors turned to see Kenshin with one hand covering his face as he shook his head forlornly. "Yare yare; you two are enough to drive anyone past reason." He looked up, violet eyes boring into Megumi's heart. "This one can tell that there's something going on you don't want to discuss, but if it was enough to drive you out of Aizu, Megumidono…"

Genzai, still in exaggerated-maiden-mode, leaned forward confidentially with a twinkle in his eye. He nodded knowingly and in a stage whisper informed Kenshin, "Megumikun's having boy trouble." He looked around furtively as he said so.

It was Megumi's turn to plant her face in her palm. It looked as though she was actually trying to resist the urge to belt him into next week. "Sensei, enough. Kensan's right. I don't want to discuss it."

"Boy trouble de gozaru ka?" Kenshin blurted at the same time. Both his confusion and his concern were clear; both wrenched sharply at her heart.

"Boys are nothing but trouble," she said archly, with a toss of her head which lacked some effect with her hair bound up.

"Not as much as girls," Genzaisensei said petulantly.

"Maa, maa." Kenshin held up his hands, but quickly turned serious. "Megumidono, did someone do something to hurt you?"

She gave him a long, unreadable look, and left the room without a word. The two men exchanged worried glances, but she returned almost immediately.

She was holding a scalpel.

"Here," she said, offering it handle-first to Kenshin. "Cut out my heart."

"Oro!" Kenshin stared at Megumi in shock even as she turned to her mentor.

"You do it, then."

"Megumikun…?" Both men were beginning to believe that she'd quite suddenly lost it completely.

Instead she sighed and left the room again, coming back without the scalpel.

"Megumidono?" Kenshin asked again.

"It's so easy for a man to break a woman's heart, but give him a chance to do so knowingly... I left Tokyo with an ache in my heart." She shook her head and held up a hand, cutting off Kenshin's response. "I went back to Aizu, the only home I could remember, in the hopes of healing the old ache. I found my brother, and it's been wonderful. But when I returned last year from my visit here…"

Genzai asked, "Are you sure?"

"You said it earlier. They'd find out sooner or later," she said resignedly.

Genzai smiled a little uncertainly but did not persist. "I'll just go mix some headache powder," he said and withdrew. Even though he knew why Megumi had asked, he sensed that this conversation was best held between them.

Megumi and Kenshin stood in silence, he looking concerned, she looking away. "Kensan… Your fight against Seta Soujirou. You never discussed it, but I know he did a lot of damage to you. Sano told me some of it. I need to know what happened."

Kenshin stared at her, his eyes darkening. "Megumidono, this one does not think –"

"Kensan, please. I don't care. It… It's relevant."

"Soujirou is in Aizu, then?"

"You are still bad for the heart," she muttered after her initial shock.

Kenshin studied his friend for a long moment. She regarded him in return, as coolly distant as she had ever been, until he sighed. "You would not be alive if he did not intend for you to remain that way."

"I'm not talking until you do." She made a face at him.

"This seems so familiar, somehow," he muttered, momentarily disgruntled.

"Doesn't it, though. Well, except for your hair, and Kaoruchan trying to sneak around outside so as to listen in…" She grinned wickedly.

"Megumidono…"

"I'm sorry, Kensan. Please do go on." The fox ears disappeared as she offered him tea and poured for both of them, leading him to sit.

"This one had already taken some injuries in fighting Aoshi when we came upon Soujirou. Aoshi had honed his fighting skills immensely in the weeks between…" He faltered, realizing that Megumi was quite aware how much Aoshi's skills had been improved and in how short a time. "Anyway, that conflict was not expected at that time, but this one was not too badly injured." He ignored the soft scoffing noise she made. "This one had already come up against Seta Soujirou on the way to Kyoto. That battle was fought to a draw, only because both swords were destroyed."

Megumi nodded; everything that Kenshin had said so far, she'd already known.

"But in Shishio's lair, there was something different. Not at first; the boy was as emotionally blank as he had been at the first encounter. But…" He outlined the conversation they'd had, the way the fight had intensified although he had been unable to sense the other's position – until he began to lose the pure control over his emotions that ten years under Shishio's encouragement had reinforced. Ten years of repression faltered, cracked, and then shattered spectacularly.

From then, the win had been almost easy. Physically drained and emotionally exhausted, the boy's willpower had been all that kept him going; added to his ferocious skill, it was almost enough to defeat Kenshin, especially in his weakened condition.

"And then what happened to him? Before Chou told us that he decided to wander."

Kenshin bowed his head. "It is believed that he gave the secret of this one's ougi to Shishio. No one else in that room could have done so; Yumidono was the means of communication, but she never would have seen it. This one did not see that young man again, but it is certain that neither did Shishio."

Megumi nodded. "That guy did Soushisan irreparable damage. However, that guy DID also save his life as a child and raised him… Even if it wasn't a very good job in a lot of ways."

"Oro? `Soushisan?'"

"You guessed correctly, Kensan. Seta Soujirou is now going by the name Senmai Soushi, and is living as a physician in training at the Takani Clinic."

"For how long?" Kenshin said, more to allow the idea to sink in.

"Since the time I came back; when I returned from Tokyo last year, he had appeared in town, all but dead… Nobuokun took him to my brother and he hasn't left since." Kenshin already knew about the part-time volunteer helper.

"What happened to make you leave so suddenly?"

"Kensan, please don't."

"Don't?"

"Don't pretend you care so much that you'd run to Aizu to defend my honor."

"Megumidono… Please don't…" He couldn't really think of a reply that would not hurt her more; she had clearly not been trying for sarcasm. Her hurt was real; her heart too close to the surface for her usual pretenses. "This one is—"

"Don't, Kensan. Don't say you're sorry. I don't want to hear that. Your happiness is the thing that matters. You have a wife, a son, a home… That's all you ever really wanted, isn't it? Don't pretend that you're not a simple man at heart." Her smile was twisted and raw. "I know you would do that, because it's who you are; you'd do the same for anyone. No, Soushi, Soujirou… That man hasn't done anything to me."

"Said something, then?" Kenshin decided to let her discussion of his own character go.

"Not precisely. It's… Well, he's the one who feels that your dedication to protecting the weak is foolish."

"Oro?" Now he felt a flash of irritation along with the confusion; that had not been his intention when he'd suggested that the younger man seek his own answers.

Megumi nodded. "Actually, I rather find myself agreeing with him. He has come to the belief that weakness is… How did he put it? 'Weakness, true weakness, is not being willing to fight for what you believe.' He says that weakness is saying, 'I can't,' without ever trying. And he believes that his path is not to defeat the weak, as Shishio chose, or to protect them, as you did, but to heal them, to teach them how to become strong in themselves. And who better to do that than a doctor?"

Kenshin's jaw very nearly dropped. His eyes were wide with surprise as he stared at Megumi. "He came to such a conclusion in only five years…? This one is feeling rather daunted," he admitted. "He could easily outfight this one, as things are now, but..." He was both impressed and disgruntled. Was it fair, really?

And then a realization dawned. ~If he's come around the same path as I did, and as she did, then Megumidono… She might see him in a very similar light. Is that why she fled home?~

"I would hardly say he outshines you, Kensan," Megumi said with a bit of her old verve. "He may be younger, stronger, and more secure in his new-found truth, but he's not you." The words were out of her mouth before she realized what she was saying, and when she did, she froze.

~"I am not Himura Kenshin."~

Kenshin wondered why she suddenly looked ready to cry.

"He's not like you at all. For all our paths are parallel… But… Tell me, Kensan… Why did you not take him under your wing as you did the rest of us?" She ignored the echo in her mind. ~"Maybe because the best way he knew to save that person was to let him find his own path, a different path than the one first learned?"~

The redhead thought for a moment. "This one felt that he could do little good. Soujirou had formed himself on the opinions of others; the only way to find his own answers was for him to seek them himself. Being taught this one's path would have brought him no further, and this one has too many sins needing atonement to share the burden with another."

Megumi's slight intake of breath was her only reaction; Kenshin heard and realized how what he had said might be interpreted. He started once more to apologize, but she quelled him with a look.

"I said, stop it. I know that you aren't trying to hurt me, Kensan. Let it go." He looked at her, reading how serious she was, how hard she was working to get past the feelings for him she never wanted and couldn't handle. But there was something else, and her next words confirmed that. "It's not even that. It's… What Soushisan said, when he heard me ask that question the first time…" She repeated his words.

Kenshin smiled slightly and sighed. "Heh. It appears this one did reach him after all, but to have made such an impression…"

"Kensan, he studied you for a long time, on Shishio's behalf. He studied all of us."

"That's true." Noting how troubled she looked at the idea, he tried to reassure her but she shook her head again.

"Kensan, he knows my past. He knows everything about me. But I… I know nothing about him, except what I've gleaned over the last few months, and now what you told me."

He could understand her troubled mind; knowing that you harbored someone when all you knew about them was their past… But then he looked at her again, and Kenshin smiled. "Megumidono."

"Kensan…? You look odd, are you feeling all right?"

"This one is fine, thank you. Megumidono, when you first encountered this one, you knew nothing of the past, correct?"

"Well, yes, but –"

"Then why should it matter now? Isn't it possible that he took to heart what was said to him, about making a fresh start – just as this one did?"

"But, Kensan, you –"

This time, he cut her off. "No, Megumidono, there really isn't much difference. This one's past was no different from his. Growing up without a family to speak of, taken in by a powerful man when young, given no other course in life… Spending years shedding blood for a cause that may or may not have been all one expected…" At this, his smile twisted, losing its warmth for a moment. "What he needs, you and your brother have almost given him. There is just one thing now that this one has found."

"But Kensan, I can't!"

"Oro?"

"I can't love him. Even if I could, why would he love a woman like me?"

Kenshin blinked, his cheeks flushing. This was all too familiar a conversation; all too clearly he remembered hearing Kaoru addressing him in the first person with that question. Right after he had finally worked up the courage to ask her to allow him to live there forever as her husband. And unless he was mistaken, those words were womanspeak for "I am totally in love with him but I don't feel I deserve his love, so I'm so deep in denial I can't even see the outside anymore."

In truth, he was only partially mistaken; in this particular instance, he was not at all. It was clear even to him: the only person who didn't seem to realize that Megumi's heart had opened to Soujirou was Megumi herself.

Of course, it was entirely possible that he was just as oblivious; Seta Soujirou might not love her, Kenshin reasoned, or might not know he did. After all, had he not already been drawn to Kaoru himself, it was not impossible that he might have come to love Megumi. When she had come into the picture, however, her aggressively flirtatious manner did little more than scare the hell out of him. In a good way, mostly, but she was right. At heart he was a quiet farmer's son.

This new, fragile, confused Megumi was far more likely to win a man's heart than the haughty, flirtatious woman he'd first met. She was bringing out his protective instincts.

"Megumidono, would you like us to come visit you in Aizu?" The offer was presented in all innocence, but Megumi gave him an incredulous look.

"I am not falling for that, Kensan. My brother is sufficient family to review any marital prospects. I don't need you trying to marry me off too."

Kenshin flinched at her words. ~I really seem to be putting my foot in my mouth around her these days,~ he thought sadly. ~It almost makes the 'old days' something to be missed. Almost.~

Nonetheless, he tried. "That's not it, Megumidono."

"Going to run him off, then?"

"If he is upsetting you so much as to cause you to run away unannounced, then yes." He said it simply and without any particular inflection, but she knew him well enough to understand that, though he would not kill, there was plenty that he and their friends would do to make life a living hell for someone who had hurt one of their own.

"Did you ever doubt that, Megumikun?" Genzai stopped eavesdropping – they'd both known he was there – and entered the room.

She gave them both a hurt look. "I had hoped at least you two would understand," she said, her voice thick.

Himura Kenshin and Oguni Genzai shared a look. "I'm afraid the problem is we do," the doctor said. "Kenshinsan, why don't you go tell Kaoruchan and the others I'll be a little late for dinner, and I'll talk to Megumikun for a while."

The redhead nodded, plastered his old favorite Patented Fake Rurouni Smile on his face, and left. Two doctors turned to face one another.

"Megumikun… What Kenshinsan wants is for you to be happy. It's what we all want for you. But none of us can tell you whom you love. That's something you have to decide for yourself."

"I don't want to."

"You don't want to decide?"

"I don't want to love anyone." In her mind, she finished the sentence with, ~but Kensan.~

Oguni Genzai looked at her, not without compassion but in all seriousness. "Megumikun… Loving Kenshinsan is not fair to anyone. To him, to Kaoruchan, and least of all to yourself. Don't you think it's time to move on?"

She wanted to cry out in protest, but she could only look at him in imploring silence.