Notes: Fail pirate speech ahoy. It's like... Hagrid meets Jack Sparrow or something. Only without 'savvy' and dreadlocks.
Part VII
When the writing on the mirrors was decoded, speculations and rumours about the Bled Pinjas flew around the academy like wildfire. Even the staff seemed to know nothing about them, which only added fuel to the fire. People immediately put forth their favourite pairings as the pinja pair – when hamburgers were put on the dinner menu one evening halfway into October, the USUK and FrUS shippers both claimed that their ships made up the Bled Pinjas, resulting in hamburger bits flying all over the room.
Life at IAHF fell into a routine of sorts. Jennifer found herself woken up every morning by explosions (whether it was Pirate Arthur versus everyone else or Alfred and Ivan trying another competition, there would always be plenty of explosions to go around) and screaming (because someone had tried to sneak into the Staff Section once again). After sorting through the giant heap of clothing in the closet (neither she nor Megan wanted to do the laundry, but Jennifer finally gave up when her favourite top was blobbed on. She was taking their things to the wash on Sunday) and extracting something to wear, she would then find that there was something wrong with the bathrooms (last week, Sakura Crystal Kirkland had stolen Wizard Arthur's Potions book and attempted to make a Love Potion. The result had clogged up the plumbing until Feliks Łukasiewcz had finally been convinced to peek into the pipes. Who knew that the Pole was such a good plumber?) and would be forced to wait until after breakfast to brush her teeth.
Breakfast was usually something good, unless Tino Väinämöinen or Arthur Kirkland was cooking that day. People wanted to eat mykyrokka as much as they wanted to eat radioactive scones. There were rumours that Tino used the blood, hearts, and kidneys of Mary Sues who targeted Berwald Øxenstierna in his mykyrokka. (Yuki-Rin Øxenstierna, a Sweden fangirl, had been advised to stay clear of the Finn at all times. Who knew that Tino could be so violent?)
After finally gaining access to the bathroom after breakfast, Jennifer would then prepare for classes. On this particular Friday, she had Geography. That Hungarian woman with the frying pan, Elisabeta Héderváry, was the teacher. She took a particular delight in knocking students over the head with her pan if they answered her questions wrong, and seemed to relish talking about the Nations' "natural borders with each other". Just about all of the shippers thought the same.
Jennifer entered the Geography classroom with Megan and Merka, Merka clutching a bag of doughnuts that she had gotten off the black market yesterday. Jennifer didn't want to know what she had traded to get them. She took her seat, taking out her Geography textbook (Countries of the World and Where to Find Them). Nothing wrong with last minute studying, after all, Elisabeta had hinted at a test today.
"Are you ready for the Europe test?" Sally asked as she walked by. Jennifer shook her head.
"Not at all. It's just naming the countries of Europe, right?"
"Yeah, but there are so many countries in Europe," Sally lamented, taking her seat in the row in front of Jennifer.
Elisabeta marched into the classroom flanked by Gilbert Beilschmidt and Roderich Edelstein. At the sight of Roderich, Azure launched herself out of her seat. Edelsten and Osterrech tackled her.
"You have a test today, I do believe?" Elisabeta asked sweetly as she reached the podium. There were groans – everyone except the Nerd Group had wanted the Hungarian to forget about the test. "Nice try; I have a very good memory." Gilbert and Roderich cringed at that, causing several PruAus shippers to squeal.
"So, let me get you your tests. You have the whole period to finish this, so you have no excuse for not finishing. Gilbert and Roderich are proctoring with me; tackle them and you will be sent to the Golag."
"Not Auchwits?" Laurel Martin asked weakly, ogling Gilbert from her seat. The Prussian's expression seemed caught between flattered and disgusted.
"No, the Golag. And stop undressing Gilbo with your eyes," Elisabeta snapped as she took out a giant stack of papers and started passing them out.
The test consisted mostly of filling out the countries of Europe on the map. There was also a section where they had to match the cultural event or language to the country. Jennifer yearned for the days when each option in matching only went to one question.
The worst part of the test (aside from filling out the map) was the fill-in section, though.
What is the name of the mountain range between Spain and France? What is the capital of Moldova? How many lakes can you find in Belarus? Name the countries that formed when Yugoslavia finally dissolved in 2003. On and on the section went, until Jennifer's head spun and she had to rest her her forehead against the desk.
And then she started feeling sleepy…
Jennifer woke up in utter darkness. The first thing she noticed was that she was hanging upside-down from something. The second thing was that wherever she was, she was rocking about gently as if floating on a body of water.
The door to wherever she was opened and Pirate Arthur stepped in. Jennifer had to clutch her nose to stop the nosebleed – it was hard, since all the blood in her body was rushing to her head anyways – her eyes widening.
"Ah, yer awake, Miss Chang," Pirate Arthur drawled. "Gilbert n' Roderich dragged yeh in here 'n gave yeh ter me, since yeh fell asleep in class. Tsk, tsk, lass. Apparently yer ter write a grand ol' essay on why yeh shouldn't fall asleep in class."
"Er, yeah, sure… can you get me down?" Jennifer asked weakly, swaying slightly from where she hung. Pirate Arthur scoffed and took out a giant ring of keys from his belt.
"One of these li'l beauties is yer key, lass. Hop ter it." Throwing the key ring at her, he left the room.
After a gruelling hour or so (there really were a lot of keys on that damn key ring), Jennifer managed to unlock herself from the manacles chaining her to the ceiling. Not only did she have to find the keys, but she also had to lean up and try to get to the manacles, which were around her ankles. The Asian girl mourned her inability to touch her toes, because she had to bend her knees to reach her feet. That was somehow very hard to do while dangling upside-down by her ankles. Once she extricated herself from her bindings, she fell to the floor with an almighty crash.
Judging by the world outside the porthole in the ship – for where else could she be but on Pirate Arthur's ship? – it was already nightfall. Jennifer had no idea what time it was, but she was glad that she wasn't eating any of the mustamakkara being served in the cafeteria tonight. But then again, since that was blood sausage, it was likely just to be tossed around in the SuFin versus RussFin food fight.
Jennifer exited the room and walked through the passageway lit by oil lamps. Every bit of the ship creaked; she felt goosebumps rising on her arm. She peered into every room that wasn't locked – all she saw were crew quarters, the galley, and several storage rooms. One of the storage rooms had a huge supply of paint cans; Jennifer wondered why but decided not to think on it too much. After wandering along the ship for half an hour, she finally found a ladder that led her onto the deck.
Pirate Arthur's ship just had to be in the middle of the lake. Jennifer groaned, looking out at Pirate Antonio and Pirate Francis's ships sitting a few feet away. In the morning, they were probably going to start re-enacting another famous naval battle. For now, everything was peaceful.
Well, until she heard a loud cheer in the direction of the stadium. The American Mochis were probably playing American football again, with poor Karen DuLay as their referee. Jennifer pitied the other fangirl, although she couldn't understand why Karen insisted on sneaking cookies to Ludwig so often. What was so special about Ludwig, especially when compared to Arthur?
Jennifer continued to stare at the stadium, all lit up at night. Cheers rose from within – apparently the staff was there. Alfred's voice could be heard clearly; he was yelling at the top of his lungs and sound carried over water quite easily. Right at that moment, he was screaming something about beating "those damn Commie Mochis".
"Psst!" someone hissed, and Jennifer looked up to see a figure shrouded in black sitting on the main mast. "Someone has a boat for you."
"Wait, what?" Jennifer asked. The figure did a couple of somersaults and landed gracefully in front of her. Impressed, Jennifer noticed that he bore a striking resemblance to Kiku, only in ninja gear.
"Trying to get off Captain Arthur's ship?" the ninja asked cheerily. "Someone has a boat for you in the waters on the starboard side."
"Really?" Jennifer asked, peering over the edge of the right side of the ship. The waters were black and slightly choppy, but she spotted a little rowboat tied to the anchoring chain. "But… how do I…"
The ninja grinned and shoved her overboard. Jennifer screamed as she plummeted into the water. As she surfaced and scrambled for the rowboat, she heard Pirate Arthur saying something about rating that splash a ten out of ten. The ninja – Ninja Kiku, who else could it be? – merely said something about fangirls and revenge.
Confused, the Asian girl started paddling for shore. As she did, she saw something in the water, swimming along with her. Curious, Jennifer paused in her rowing. She was damn tired, anyways.
"Hello there!" a cheerful voice exclaimed, and Jennifer had to rub her eyes to make sure she wasn't hallucinating. A mermaid – yes, a bloody fuckin' mermaid – poked her head above the water and grinned at her. "I'm Lucia Verdas! How are you?"
"You're a student, aren't you? How do you get to class?" Jennifer wondered.
"Oh, I can walk around on land in the mornings, but it's super painful. Like I'm walking on broken glass or something." Jennifer winced at that, but Lucia was still talking. "I have to be back in water before dark, though, or else I'm going to shrivel up like how you humans shrivel when you're in water for too long."
"Ick," Jennifer mumbled, scrunching up her face. Lucia giggled.
"Tell me about it! I tried staying overnight with Sabrina because she's keeping my Stephen Colbert punching pillow, but I had to spend the night in a tub of water because my skin was getting all pruny like a raisin. Isn't that, like, totally gross?"
Jennifer nodded, not knowing what else to say. She wasn't exactly an expert on beauty and fashion, mostly because she was too busy being an Anglophile to care.
"So, you're stuck out here with me tonight! Isn't that fabulous? I'm always so lonely here with no one to talk to. The pirates always ignore me when I try to start a conversation. Those bastards. Tony's way better, anyways."
"Tony, as in Tony the alien?" Jennifer asked, feeling slightly nauseous when Lucia nodded eagerly.
"Yeah, he's like so sexy! Man, I wish I could meet him."
Jennifer had half a mind to introduce her to Megan.
"Damn it, where were you last night?" said alien girl demanded when Jennifer stumbled into their room at four in the morning. "I was up all night worried sick about you!"
"You were?" Jennifer asked, raising an eyebrow incredulously.
"Actually, no, I was sleeping. But I woke up and you still weren't here, so I thought that France had abducted you or something. Hey, why's your hair all wet?"
"I was abducted," Jennifer replied smoothly, trying to towel-dry her hair with Megan's rubber ducky-printed towel.
"That's my towel!" Megan screamed. "Stop raping my towel!"
"I didn't know it said no," Jennifer replied sarcastically as she flung the towel at her roommate and grabbed her own. "So, wanna hear about my abduction?"
"Sure, bro!" Megan grinned, propping herself up on her elbows and watching Jennifer change. The other girl had a sudden burst of modesty and wrapped herself in her towel. "What the fuck are you doing that for? We're both girls, aren't we?"
"Shut up. Anyways, I fell asleep while taking Elisabeta's test in Geography, so Gilbert and Roderich had Pirate Arthur string me upside-down from the ceiling somewhere in his pirate ship."
"And how did you escape?" Megan demanded.
"Pirate Arthur gave me a set of keys and I unlocked myself. And then someone had a rowboat for me, so I spent all night paddling back to shore. Hey, I met a mermaid, too, when I was paddling."
Megan snorted. "Cool story, bro, but you sound like you're on Arthur's cooking. Meeting mermaids?"
"No, seriously, there's a mermaid student here." Jennifer huffed and turned around, zipping up her black hoodie. "Wanna go meet her?"
"After you get some sleep; you'll probably pass out on me halfway to the lake," Megan replied, so Jennifer gratefully stumbled to her bed and lay down.
"You know what?" she said suddenly. "It'd be funny if the Bled Pinjas struck again."
"Extra, extra! Read all about it!" The red-haired and freckled Shinbun-kun raced through the school, waving the Bled Chronicles wildly and screaming at the top of his lungs.
Jennifer woke from her nap to that voice, very grateful for Saturdays. She sat up, to see that Megan had left the room. There was a thump at her door, and when Jennifer opened it, she saw a copy of the newspaper. The headlines blared "Bled Pinjas Strike Again!" in striking bold font, followed by a picture of a glowering Alfred F. Jones, captioned "Alfred F. Jones accuses Ivan Braginski of painting his possessions Bled. We couldn't get a picture of the damage; the camera burned out when we tried."
Jennifer had to smack herself mentally for tempting the Powers that Be before she started to read the article.
Bled Pinjas Strike Again
The notorious bandits of IAHF's feared colour painted several staff and student possessions last night. The victims are staff members Alfred F. Jones, Feliks Łukasiewcz, Punk Rocker Arthur Kirkland, and Toris Lorinatis, and students Rachael Wilkison, sierra akoti, Lydiacatfish, and Gregory Bob Walton.
"I blame Ivan for this!" says Jones. "It's totally something he'd do, since my Mochis kicked his Mochis' asses last night in the football match! I bet he's just jealous."
Some possessions that were damaged are: guitars, music-playing pea pods, textbooks, electronic devices, clothing, and a black lab named Kobe.
"Whoever you Bled Pinjas are, I'm gonna hunt you fuckers down and kill you," says Punk Kirkland. "You fucking ruined my guitar."
Bled is resistant to everything except mashed turnips, which staff member Arthur Kirkland quickly provided for his colleagues. The students will have to find some in the cafeteria to get rid of the paint on their possessions.
"Don't ask me how I created the colour in the first place," says Kirkland. "I don't remember how it happened, and every time I try to bring up the topic Kiku refuses to talk."
Bled paint is a very dangerous substance, as the colour can cause blindness if stared at for too long. It has also been known to induce headaches, nausea, and vacillation between personalities (just ask Mr. Allen/Hugh).
"I hope I can find enough turnips to get this stuff off," says Lydiacatfish. "I already have a headache looking at my stuff. I don't know why I was selected as a target and I certainly wish I hadn't been chosen, but oh well. Do you know where the turnips are?"
Jennifer set down the paper, sighing. She looked out the window, watching Megan walk past with Kriss and Merka, a copy of the paper in their hands. Still feeling sleepy, she laid back and lapsed into another nap.
Thank the Powers that Be for Saturdays, after all.
Notes: So, I wonder who the Bled Pinjas are? Offer me your theories, unless you've already figured it out.
Answers to the questions, if you're curious:
The mountain range between Spain and France is called the Pyrénées (I'm using the French spelling, because I'm a Francophile. Deal with it).
The capital of Moldova is Chişinău.
There are 11,000 lakes in Belarus.
Yugoslavia divided into Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Kosovo, Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia, and Slovenia. Technically, they divided in 1991, but Serbia and Montenegro were still called Yugoslavia until 2003.
