A/N – I added a poll to my profile because I'd appreciate reader input on a sub plot piece that will occur much later in the story and one that will make more sense as we go. Poll will close at the end of the week. •note you need desktop version of fanfic to see poll link at top of profile• Please vote if you want to and if anyone has ideas on what they want that to look like once the results are in, please PM me. If I use your idea you will be the first to get a peek at the scene it will be in and credit of course. I respond to all PMs, but I get a lot of them and it takes me some time to get back to everyone, so I appreciate your patience.
Also, this story deals heavily with the themes of self acceptance, self definition and understanding that we all have many sides to who we are. Sides that we may not like or struggle to accept, but are not wrong and also ones that lay dormant until they are woken up. Some that others do not understand, will judge, and push us to redefine when we don't need to. Regina struggles with a part of her nature in this story. Emma does too, to fully define who she is and be at peace will all sides of her self and one side in particular that has yet to be revealed, but needs some serious attention and one many of you asked to see. That plot twist will reveal will be revealed in about 4-6 chapters.
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At the grocery store they roamed the aisles shoulder by shoulder as they usually did before the spell to complete their shopping. When Emma's stomach growled, she suggested splitting up to finish the list faster. She parted from the Queen to go to the cereal aisle across the store to grab the granola and oats they both agreed on; an expensive brand with just enough honey notes to make it sweet enough that Emma would eat it. Much preferring that instead of the tasteless horse feed brand Regina preferred.
As Emma browsed the rest of the cereals an old favorite of hers and Henry's caught her eye. She smiled fondly at the memory of when they used to share one huge bowl on Saturday mornings before an old school cartoon marathon ensued. Laughing as she recalled how they used to fight over whom got to drink the sweet milk left over at the bottom of the bowl. Emma missed him sorely and her heart pinched. Plucking the box off the shelf the tingle came again making her shrink and both boxes hit the floor as little arms stuck out to balance. With a sigh at her small state she reached down to pick up her mess. Arms full, a hand started towards her necklace to summon the Queen.
"Emma?"
Hands froze and startled, the boxes dropped again. Emma's head popped up catching Snow's eyes. The woman left her cart and knelt to pick up the cereal that had spun to a stop at the wheels.
"Can I please have those back?" Emma was not in the mood for any heart to hearts, hers still hurt after how they had left things between them and about the arrow exchange incident on the porch she'd pried from Regina who had insisted it had been handled.
Snow handed one box back, hesitating with the other one. Seeing her daughter as a child was still astonishing. Unsure, too about how much of the adult she knew Emma to be was still inside, despite the explanation she'd been given at the loft. She had always wanted to know what her daughter was like as a child and the thick lens she was seeing this little version of Emma through was hard to remove. It was damn near impossible.
Hesitant. "Are you here by yourself?"
"Here? Suurrrrre." Sarcasm dripped as she rolled her eyes. A little hand went to a swan pendent, remembering to summon and she felt it grow warm before she let go.
The pixie haired woman didn't miss the way her daughter clutched the necklace or the brief glow it had before that hand dropped, but she did miss the girl's tone. "Then where is Regina?" Concerned over why the Queen would leave a child unattended and was upset at the fact.
"She's—"
"You shouldn't be by yourself when you are this little." Snow finally handed over the other box and crossed her arms in worry.
Snapping. "Don't interrupt me… Please." Attitude tense and hot. "I'm fine."
Big green eyes flinched. "You should come with me Emma, at least until we find Regina."
"That's not happening." The girl took a step back as Snow approached, back hitting the display wall. She wasn't scared, but she did not want to be touched by those hands.
"Emma, I'm not leaving you alone." Determined to make sure her daughter was safe as she would do with Neal or any kid she may have found unaccompanied. She reached out a hand for Emma to take.
"I don't need your help and I'm not al—"
"I just want to make sure you are okay."
A foot stomped of its own accord at being interrupted again. More than frustrated that her words wouldn't flow so she could explain herself better. Snow always made her feel flustered and her mind got tangled easily when that was the case. She managed to get out one biting word. "No!"
The Princess recognized what she thought was the start of a tantrum. Shaking her head, she gently took Emma's arm and when the girl began to pull sharply away she let go. Ears were suddenly filled with a new cart and familiar heels clicking their way quickly. Her daughter seemed to snap out of something and she watched as Emma dropped the boxes and dove into the Queen. Envy and hurt pulsed behind her eyes as she watched arms that should be hers lift her child up.
Snow swallowed her first response and then her second before speaking. "Regina you need to keep a better eye on Emma when she's this size. I found her wandering around alone."
"She most certainly is not alone and by the looks of things she probably tried to tell you just that." Lips a firm line when the Princess blushed. "We have a system in place if she shrinks and I am not there. She is plenty safe." Brown eyes regarded Snow and Regina shifted slightly to better adjust Emma's wiggling form, as skinny arms choked her neck.
"If she was with me—"
"And she is not." The Queen stated softly without the dark bite she longed to put behind it, as she would have a one point in her life, but firm enough that her meaning be taken clearly; that this was not either of their choices. A decision instead that belonged to Emma. She held her tongue not to add that remark as memories of their other life and the teacher's hands on little shoulders at school came rushing back. This was not the same woman from that life standing in front of her and they all had a different relationship here. One she hoped they could eventually get back to.
"Maybe she should be." Snow stormed, wounds raw by her daughter's rejection clouding her better judgment. 'Where along the way have we become so lost to each other?' The Princess wondered. Things were easier in a way before the dark curse broke and they were simply friends.
Emma pulled back from the safety of dark hair and turned to put heavy eyes on Snow. "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I don't want to go with you and I tried to tell you that." They watched Snow shake her head as the cart she was pushing whipped around, speeding off and Emma relaxed as she felt her back rubbed.
"Are you alright?" Regina brushed curls away from a pink face.
"Yes and no. I just want to get done and go home."
Nodding the Queen moved back to their cart, sensing that Emma couldn't verbalize her feelings just yet. "Would you like to walk or ride as we finish up?"
"Ride please." Suddenly weary and wanting to be closer to the Queen than her short legs would allow. She was set into the cart and took the list, pointing to the dented boxes on the floor. "Can we please get both?"
Regina picked up the box of granola and put it in the cart, holding up the other with an amused expression. "Coco-puffs?"
"They turn the milk chocolaty. It's like magic in your mouth."
"And it has nothing to do with the fact that there is a Wonder Woman headband you can make out of the box?"
"Well, duh! That's obvious." Emma grinned as the box made it into her arms and they headed to the check out.
Little hands reached for the dark chocolate squares the Queen loved from the candy display at the register and tossed them in the cart, trying to ignore the eyes around them gawking at her small form. Finally having enough she crossed her eyes, wiggled her fingers and stuck out her tongue at them. She wasn't sure if that or the Queen's raised brow after the fact made them scurry away.
When they pulled into the mansion Emma helped carry the lighter bags into the house and put away the items she could reach to their proper place. Keeping busy kept her mind from what had happened at the store. Anxious to keep moving she excused herself to the living room.
After quickly prepping dinner and setting it to cook, Regina found the blonde attempting to organize the DVDs in the basket below the TV by color and knew Emma was in full avoidance mode. She sat nearby with a book on the sofa, eyeing the girl after every page read, and waiting for the Savior to be ready to talk. Sniffles came first across the room, then feet trotted over, and finally little fingers pushed her book aside.
Emma stood quietly for a long moment, hands on the Queen's knees in thought. "Why is it so hard with her Gina?"
"One of the most complicated relationships in this world or any other is that between a mother and daughter. And it doesn't help that magic kept you apart and that you are nearly the same age when you're an adult."
"It's more than that though and she didn't mother me, I told her as much. You did, do, and that's as true in our other life as it is in this one." Emma frowned, fists clenching at the idea of that not being the case.
"I wasn't implying she did, sweet one, and sometimes being a mother or mothering comes with choices that seem impossible to make to the one not making them." Running a thumb along a soft cheek. "I know what I am going to say next will be hard for you, but you need to both hear and think on my words." Fingers moved to lift a chin. "In another time and world Snow would have raised you. She made a choice and didn't or couldn't have that pleasure, and one I have no doubt that tore her apart and that must make looking in the mirror everyday a very hard thing for her to do."
The Queen knew Snow White well, but she knew Emma better and herself even more. She had her own demons visit her dreams over Emma's past and she had not forgotten the role the woman she used to be had played in the Savior's past trauma. Regrets, though, she had none. Not over how they had gotten to this point and the relationship they now shared. Her choices in life had gotten her their son and now another chance to love in a similar, but different way with Emma. It was a raw and selfish, but primal love that fueled her actions a decade ago when Emma had first appeared in Storybrooke, one now she kept behind a barred door in the farthest corner of her mind with the mask of the Evil Queen.
A shrug, but not indifference at that truth. "It was her choice to send me away and so what if we are related and she would have, she still doesn't get me. Like at all."
"I'm sure it feels that way right now and that is frustrating for you, I know." Tucking a blonde curl behind a little ear, Regina continued to coax little thoughts along another path. Her heavy words from before needed time to marinate in that blonde head. "Think about your friendship before the curse broke. What about that worked between you two?"
Emma shrugged again, but thought about that question knowing Regina would wait as long as she needed to be able to answer. After a minute she tried to voice her thoughts. "I didn't know we were related. Mom didn't exist or was someone in my mind that I thought gave me away." Mouth drying out. "And when I finally met her and looked in her eyes and knew it was her," looking away as her knees began to liquefy, "that was still true."
"You forgave her for that, yes?" Almost there, to the root of the weed Emma needed to dig out, she could feel it. Regina reached out to steady Emma by the hips.
Fidgeting as the glass floor beneath her little feet began to crack. "Yeah… I did."
"And who did you do that for?" A tough, but necessary question.
"Me?" Clear pieces split and fragmented with uncertainty.
"Are you asking or telling me?" Helping to stop the dance around the hard answer she knew was hiding there, Regina questioned.
"Asking." As the floor fell away to truth Emma leaned forward trying to find balance in the blue silk blouse and she was allowed to for a minute before hands stood her back up. Those hands also did not let go.
"Who did you forgive Snow for, Emma?" Gently lifting a small wobbling chin. "Was it for you because you truly do or was it to try and make things easier with her?"
"I t-thought it would make it better." Sniffing hard as Regina's thumb wiped a tear away. "If she heard me say it things would be different between us, but it still sucks and hurts more. It made it worse Mama, so much worse."
The girl hiccuped and blew her nose into a conjured tissue. Dealing with her childhood pain was grueling and she didn't think she'd have to face it again so soon upon their return. While she had found what she needed to experience in their other life and family in Regina, not everything had been mended as they knew it would not be. She also knew while the Queen would patiently comfort and counsel, attempts at running, hiding or dancing around the truth that needed facing wouldn't be accepted. They had agreed it wouldn't be, not ever again nearly two years ago when her greatest escape attempt had nearly cost a life. For that she was grateful, even if it hurt to feel, when that was the case.
"Forgiveness doesn't work that way, sweet one."
"I know, but I wish it did." Emma's hand absentmindedly went to her arm and rubbed.
"Does your arm hurt?" Reaching to slide up a sleeve and satisfied at seeing only pale skin present.
"No, I just didn't like it when she reached for me. Ever since she slapped my face that one time it's jarring when she goes to touch me. It reminds me too much of being hit like that as a kid and I can't help pulling away from her when she does. When she thought I was by myself she wanted me to go with her and I get that, but I tried to tell her I wasn't and she still didn't listen to me."
Regina's jaw tightened again at the memory of Snow's hand print on Emma's face, of the broken green eyes that had stared into hers, but she remained quiet as the girl spoke freely.
"She looked at me with such betrayal and hurt, Gina. I felt bad for her. I feel bad I did that to her." Emma looked guilty up. "Maybe I should try talking to her again?"
"If that is what you want to do, you have my support like always, but Emma, you are not responsible for her feelings."
"I know, but…" Head shaking when nothing more came.
"I don't think you do baby."
"Maybe not… Can we talk about this later though? I'm not avoiding, not anymore. I'm just hungry and tired."
Brown eyes found the clock and at the approaching late hour the Queen stood. "The meat for the tacos is simmering and the shells just need a few minutes in the oven. Come wash up and set the table."
Emma gratefully followed those directions, needing the routine Regina and their evening provided. The tacos were the perfect combination of spice and bliss that helped to bring out her chatter. As she took the last delicious bite realization hit that they were supposed to FaceTime with Henry after dinner and she was still six.
The sour expression wasn't lost on the Queen and she sipped her red wine slowly, letting the currents of tart cherry and sweet chocolate mix and settle on her palette as it did in her emotions. With some reluctance she set her glass down, wanting to respect Emma's desire to be in adult form for that conversation with their son and also knowing that she wouldn't make that phone call on her own if the girl wasn't ready.
"We can reschedule for tomorrow and see if you grow by then."
Emma looked up from her plate at hearing an answer to the unasked question lingering in her mouth. Almost agreeing until she thought that offer through. Seeing the selfless look on the face she loved made her head shake.
"You always put me first Gina. Now we are going to put you first. Let's call, tell him and chat like we always do. I don't havta be big to do that."
"Emma…" The small gift meant a lot.
"Can I be excused? It was really good."
"Yes, take your plate to the sink. I'll set the dishes to soak and then we will call."
The girl bounced out of her chair and rounded the table, planting a kiss on her Keeper's cheek. That word bought a sweet sentiment and she realized despite the spell that gave her the term; Regina was her Keeper through and through. Emma cleared her place with a skip in her step. A few minutes later they settled on the couch, and like the first time they all met to FaceTime on the phone in their other life, Emma sat on a lap and her quick fingers opened the app on the Queen's I-phone. She took a deep breath and pressed the button to connect.
Henry's easy grin flashed across the screen. "Hey Mom! Oh… um…" His eyes flicked from the girl with strangely familiar eyes and back to his adoptive mother. "You babysitting or something?"
"Not quite Henry." Regina smiled at hearing his voice, a missed symphony to her ears. "There is something we need to tell you."
"We? Where's Ma?"
"Surprise kid!" Emma blurted and threw out her arms with a hopeful smile, heart pounding. "It's me!"
"Woah! Like for real?" Henry's nose got huge on the screen as he came closer. "Let me guess. A spell backfired in Storybrooke?"
"Not quite, but yeah, magic is involved and…" Emma's teeth tore at a lip and she looked up at Regina for support.
"We did a spell last weekend that had an unexpected side effect and well, this is it."
Henry tilted his head and raised a single brow. "You mean the one you've been planning forever that you think I didn't know about?"
Jaws dropped.
'Had it… Had we been that freaking obvious?!' Emma thought and then she sputtered. "H-how d-did you know that?"
"Ma…" He chuckled at calling the little girl staring at him that word. "Come on. It was kind of noticeable, at least to me, when you started hanging around the mansion more and going with Mom to her vault all the time. You guys went from friends to best friends and then you moved in and well… I think it's cool that my Moms worked together so closely on something. You guys used to battle it out and then you stopped fighting each other and went to fighting for each other."
"So you knew and didn't say anything?" Emma huffed crossing her arms.
"Yeah and you didn't say anything either Ma, until now. Look I'm not a little kid anymore. You don't have to try to protect me from stuff."
Regina leaned forward with worry in the back of her throat. "We cannot help but do that Henry. We did not mean to keep secrets from you. The spell didn't affect anyone here, shouldn't of anyway and that's one of the reasons we kept it quiet."
"Mom, relax. I don't see it that way. At all. I figured it was personal and that's why you didn't say anything. I know privacy is important to you, both of you."
"It was very personal." Emma dropped her arms, ready to share. "There's this spell that gives you a kind of a do over at life and ten months passed in this other world that was only a second in this one. I did a ton of healing from my childhood and your Mom went with to make sure I was safe. It was amazing, life changing, and now there's this shrinking and growing thing that happens kind of randomly that shouldn't be, but…" Rolling her lips. "Is and I'm really… We just wanted you to be aware."
A pause and a scrunched brow from across the screen. "Soooo you got to be a kid again?" Another pause accompanied by a head tilt. "With Mom?"
"Um…, yeeaaaah, in a nutshell." Roses flowered on her cheeks at finally sharing the intimacy of that experience with Henry.
Thoughtful. "Did she make you cinnamon cookies?"
Emma blinked, eyes misted and she laughed. "Yeah she did, kid."
"And did she read to you and do the different voices for the characters in books? She used to do the best ones."
Tears flowed freely as the blonde laughed again. "She did!" Grinning and finally looking up to catch the brunette's glassy eyes. "She was… is incredible."
"I'm glad you got to experience that Ma. I know what that must mean to you."
Wiping her face, Emma went to steady the phone in the Queen's shaking hands. "So you are cool with this? The idea that I got a do over as a kid with Regina?" It sounded ludicrous when she spelled it out that way, but in her heart it was anything but.
Henry's eyes found his brunette Mother's. "We didn't get along for a while Mom, but that didn't mean that during that time I forgot anything you did for me or how safe and loved it made me feel. If Ma got even a fraction of that, I'm more than cool with it."
Regina closed her eyes, quietly sinking into his voice. Henry had assured his forgiveness many years ago and they had worked to reestablish trust between them. Still, his words hit home and reminded her of what she had almost lost.
Deciding to give his Mom a quiet moment, he turned his eyes to the green pair studying him. "So yeah, Ma. I am. Besides, I bet I have a better chance at beating you at video games now."
"Not funny Kid. I can still whoop your butt in Mario Cart."
"You're on, Ma. Maybe when we get back to Boston we can come visit you guys."
A smile budded from red lips. "We'd like that, Henry. More than you know."
They talked a bit more about the side effect, the young man curious over the details and about his honeymoon before he paused and pointed his finger at the screen.
"Uh Mom..."
Regina looked down as déjà vu hit and smiled softly as blonde lashes fluttered.
"Not 'sleep kid."
"Henry we'll call you again soon. I think we are both ready to turn in. It's been a long day."
"Okay, over and out. Night and I love you both!"
"We love you, too!" In unison.
When the screen went black Emma turned, curling up against the warm body, whining when she was lifted a minute later and carried upstairs. "I waaassss comfy Gina."
"You will be more comfortable in bed after your bath."
"No bath." Squirming to get back into those arms when she was set on the bathroom tile, yawning in protest.
"Yes a bath, a quick one anyway." Turning the tap to warm and as the tub filled she helped Emma undress, adding bubbles at the girl's request.
"Duck and boat, too?" Emma asked habitually and scooped a handful of suds and blew on them, giggling as they flew through the air.
'So much for not wanting a bath.' The Queen thought.
She added the small basket of toys from under the sink she had conjured to the water, not wanting to break the moment by doing magic in front of Emma, knowing the blonde had briefly forgot they were not in their other life. The transition was still one they were getting used to and it was more so with small things like the bath toys that caused moments to pass before reality rudely hit and those green eyes would begin to ache all over again. After the day they had, there was no reason to pull Emma from the small pocket of peace that was now. As the girl played Regina sorted out the little clothes, add them to the hamper and summoning a pair of warm yellow PJs. Before small hands pruned she drained the tub and wrapped Emma up in a clean towel, handing off the PJs.
"Go change and feed Jasper. I'll be right in."
"Read too?" Emma missed their story time. The last several nights she'd conked out before she remembered to ask. Even now, she fought sleep, nodding on her feet. Their talk with Henry reminded her how much joy she'd gained from that simple act.
"Find the book we left off with from your shelf."
Grinning like she won the lottery, Emma quick footed to her room and got dressed. After dropping two red flakes into her fish's tank she sat on the floor and rifled through the stack on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. They'd finished a whole shelf in their other life and there were still four more to go in this one. Rows of classics mixed with fairy tales and modern additions. Some had been Henry's, some were ones she'd bought herself, and the others carefully chosen as gifts by a royal hand.
Plucking a gifted volume she sought up when the Queen knocked to enter, she climbed back up in that lap. She enjoyed the rhythm of highs and lows of her Keeper's tenor as the story The Little White Bird flowed. It hit home in heart because the boy in the story never had to grow up. They were in a more melancholy part of the book, and Emma followed along, eyes glued to the page.
"…What is saddest about ghosts is that they may not know their child. They expect him to be just as he was when they left him, and they are easily bewildered, and search for him from room to room and hate the unknown boy he has become. Poor, passionate souls, they may even do him an injury…"
Emma thought about the parallel from that script against her constant battle with Snow and Regina's words from earlier that evening. The question about her friendship with Snow before the curse broke in particular and how complicated things became between them when they realized who they were to each other. Like the dead and the living; one ghost stuck in the past and the lost child of one refusing to go there in favor of the present. This always happened when they read after a hard day. There was clarity to be gained from stories that she never quite appreciated as much before as she did right now.
"…All of our notions about ghosts are wrong. It is nothing so petty as lost wills or deeds of violence that bring them back, and we are not nearly so afraid of them as they are of us."
"Gina… I think I know why Snow is being how she is."
"Oh and why is that, sweet one?" The book closed with a small red smile and was set aside on the table by the rocker as Regina stood with Emma in arms.
"She expects me to still be her little Princess, the one she put in the tree to save everyone. I think she doesn't know what to do with me how I am, even though I did what she wanted me to do by breaking the curse." A big yawn tore through a pink mouth and Emma gladly nestled under the covers.
"Hhhmmm." Neither confirming nor disagreeing, as Emma didn't need her to.
"And you know what?"
"What baby?"
"I don't think she means to hurt my feelings. She's just confused and trying to hold onto an idea of me that doesn't exist anymore." Emma tuned over on her side as she was kissed and tucked in, pulling Stitchy close as her crochet blanket was draped over the duvet. "Maybe I need to meet her where she is, I'm just not sure how to do that yet… Help me?"
"Always."
"Night Mama."
"Sweet dreams, dear heart."
Regina gently stroked the blonde curls as the Emma drifted off, hoping that the fallen bridge between Snow and the Savior could start to be rebuilt on the sleepy sure words just spoken.
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Quotes from The Little White Bird by J.M. Barrie
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Please take the poll on my profile if you'd like. J
Next time (probably Friday) – plot heavy—Regina and Emma revisit the comment made about safe words since the vault conversation. Emma remembers something important about consent and a promise is made. A flashback from before the do over spell gives insight on a past issue and a few glimpses of how parts of their dynamic came to be. In the present a forgotten file has adult Emma making a trip to the loft where something is taken, a little trigger to a long time smoking gun is pulled, and an inner demon returns.
*Appropriate trigger warning will be at start of chapter… It will be a cliff hanger… have a tissue or a box handy… sorry-not-sorry… in advance.*
