Chapter 07 - So Much

When Nikita awoke the next morning, she felt groggy. Her eyes were gritty and hurt, and her head seemed to throb. She'd had the dreams again... other people's dreams… and their nightmares.

She staggered into the shower and turned on the water. Her body seemed to shake, and not even the hot water could warm her, could wash away the coldness from within.

Nikita waited, nevertheless, until the water got cold before she left the shower. She strained her ears. Wasn't the phone ringing? She opened the door and ran down the stairs. Yes, her cell phone beeped, and she began to shake anew. Couldn't they let her have one day for herself? She stepped back, away from the beeping, slowly retreating to the bathroom.

The pain was already waiting for her.

Hot, scalding pain, merciless, unexpected, worse than ever before.

Nikita stumbled over the stairs, lost her balance, and fell to the floor. She didn't even notice. All she noticed was the pain, and the emotions flooding her mind.

Weariness Lust Boredom

Hate Anger Love

Contentment Fear Happiness

Compassion Ruthlessness Indifference

Pain

"Stop! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!"

The screams were raw and hoarse. Did she scream? Was that her? The beeping - what was that beeping? It seemed to live inside her - what was that sound?- continued. It got louder and louder until it consumed her completely, swallowed her up... only this sound existed. This sound and the pain. And suddenly -

It stopped.

Nikita began to sob heavily. She couldn't go on like this, couldn't live with the pain, couldn't fight it, couldn't control it. The tears burned in her sensitive eyes and she curled up on the hard floor, naked; all her defenses were down and in this moment she truly wanted to die. Just in this moment.

The phone still rang.

***

Half an hour later Nikita entered Section, impeccably dressed in black, her wet hair in a low ponytail, wearing dark sunglasses to protect her eyes from the brightness. She was probably late, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

When you were about to go insane, most things lost importance.

The briefing hadn't begun yet, and she slipped on the chair next to Walter. He gave her a concerned look, and she forced a smile.

"I... couldn't make it earlier. Sorry. Can we do it later?"

He nodded. "After the mission. What do you say I come over, sugar?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that's okay."

Sometimes Nikita asked herself if she realized that every mission could be her last. Operatives died every day; she could be killed so easily, every day, and yet she was making plans for "later". How would it be if Walter waited in vain for her? What if he glanced at his watch time and again? If he went to Section the next morning and casually asked about the mission? If Madeline told him with a smile that it had been successful - only one loss? If the loss was her?

She swallowed and was almost happy when Operations arrived.

***

"Nikita?"

No.

"Yes?"

Michael approached and Nikita groaned inwardly. After she'd finally picked up the phone this morning he'd sounded like he always did. But she knew him. She knew that he'd ask her about the call. She sighed. Three, two, one...

"Why didn't you pick up the phone?"

"I did pick up the phone," Nikita reminded him crossly, not really in the mood for his questions. She'd been there on time! Why didn't he just drop it?

"What took you so long?"

I was screaming in pain because I felt all emotions one can feel.

"Michael, I was in the shower. Y'know, the thing you do to get clean? I didn't hear it."

It was probably not smart to piss him off right now, so soon after the disaster of the last mission, but he just got on her nerves. Nikita smirked, turned around and left him standing in the main hall.

~~~

"What the hell happened?"

Operations was angry, Nikita could tell. Not that she could blame him. Two failed missions in row. Two missions Michael had profiled and led. Two missions she had botched. But he didn't know that. She lowered her gaze.

Michael stayed calm. " The resistance was stronger than expected. We couldn't reach him in time."

"This is unacceptable! Michael, my office!" The older man hissed and stalked away.

She wouldn't want to trade places with Michael. No, not for the world.

~~~

The doorbell rang.

Nikita looked at her bare stomach, then at the door, and grimaced. She rose, put on a tee shirt and was about to open the door when she hesitated. It was most probably Walter - but perhaps not. She switched on the video camera. It was Walter.

"Hi."

"Hey sugar," Walter stepped in. He carried a small bag containing some syringes, and a bottle of wine which he gave to Nikita. At her puzzled look, he explained. "Thought you might need something to lighten up the mood."

Nikita winced as she sat on the couch. "I'll need it. Can you please help me with his?"

She lifted the shirt and Walter gasped. Across her belly was a long, angry red gash.

***