RWBY: The Parody
By: Maniac92
Chapter 7: Pyrrha Caves In
Professor Ozpin observed the Emerald Forest from the cliff. He looked down at the tablet in his hands, a thoughtful observation on his face.
"Our last two have paired up, sir," said Professor Goodwitch as she walked up to him. "Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren." She sighed. "I can't imagine how they'll get along…"
"What do you mean?" asked Ozpin.
"Nothing," said Goodwitch. "It's just that Miss Valkyrie seems a bit…eccentric. I don't know how Ren will handle her."
"…Glynda," said Ozpin. "Press the audio button."
Goodwitch raised an eyebrow, but did what Ozpin asked.
"Come here, you big baby!" yelled Nora as she chased after an Ursa with her hammer.
"See what I mean?" said Goodwitch.
"Corner it, Nora!" yelled Ren as he chased after them. "Our ride won't get away that easy!"
Goodwitch blinked. She turned off the audio and turned to Ozpin. "Never mind," she said, "I think they'll get along just fine." She clicked on a button on the tablet and the screen switched to Jaune and Pyrrha. "I can't say the same for Mr. Arc and Miss Nikos. I don't care what his transcripts say…Mr. Arc is not ready for this level of combat."
"Mmm…" said Ozpin.
"I mean," continued Glynda, "It's not like a few years ago, when you let a student into Beacon even though they didn't have any combat training whatsoever. You wouldn't be as foolish to do that again, right?"
"Mmm…" said Ozpin, suddenly finding the grass very interesting.
"Well, we'll find out soon enough," said Goodwitch, closing her tablet. "They'll reach the temple in a few minutes." Goodwitch frowned. "You know, I've never really understood this whole 'partner' thing. We don't we just assign teams?"
"Shipping reasons," said Ozpin. "It's a long-standing superstition that partners end up romantically involved with each other."
"That's just silly," laughed Goodwitch. "That would mean that you and I…" She paused. "B-But we've never…barring a few times after graduation…and on a mission or two…and when we got hired here…and when you became headmaster and…uh…" Her face grew red.
"…That'll be all, Glyn…Professor Goodwitch," said Ozpin, a small blush adorning his own face. He looked down at his own tablet, where Ruby and Weiss were on the screen.
Meanwhile:
Ruby was sitting on the grass, watching Weiss pace back and forth. "We're lost, aren't we?" she asked.
"No!" said Weiss. "I know exactly where we are, thank you very much."
"Really?" asked Ruby. "Then where are we?"
"Uh…" faltered Weiss. She shook her head and said, "We're obviously in the Emerald Forest…duh."
"Uh-huh," said Ruby. "And where in the Emerald Forest are we?"
"Well…uh…" Weiss looked around. "We're by an old tree and…" She huffed and crossed her arms. "Fine, we're lost. But it's not like you have a clue where we are either."
"At least I'm not pretending I know everything," muttered Ruby.
"What?!" asked Weiss. "What does that mean?"
"It means your butt's fat and I hate you!" said Ruby.
"My butt is not fat!" said Weiss. "It's perfectly proportioned for a girl my size!" She huffed and turned around. "Just keep moving!"
"Just keep moving!" mocked Ruby in a high-pitched voice. "Look at me, I'm Weiss Schnee! I'm a big bossy jerk and I dye my hair white."
Weiss spun around and gave Ruby a glare. "My hair is naturally white! And I am not bossy! I order you to stop saying that!"
"Stop treating me like a kid!" yelled Ruby.
"Stop acting like one!" yelled Weiss.
"Stop acting like you're perfect!" said Ruby.
"I'm not perfect!" said Weiss. "But I'm leagues better than you."
She and Ruby glared at each other with fiery ferocity. At any second, the two girl would come to blows, leveling the forest in their dramatic battle to prove-
Ruby sneezed in Weiss's face.
Weiss gagged and covered her face. "Oh god, that was disgusting!" she screamed. She ran away, forcing Ruby to chase after her.
Meanwhile:
Yang and Blake looked down at the clearing. The ruins of a long-forgotten temple lay in front of them.
"Think this is it?" asked Yang.
Blake rolled her eyes. "No," she said sarcastically, "It's the other forgotten temple in the middle of the forest."
"There's another temple?!" asked Yang. "Why are we wasting time here, then?"
Blake stared at her. "…You're trying to annoy me, aren't you?"
"Is it working?" asked Yang.
"No," replied Blake. She walked down to the ruins and looked around. There were several pedestals with black and gold chess pieces resting on them.
"Some of these things are missing," said Yang, walking up to Blake. "Man…I wanted to be the first one here…"
"At least we're not last," said Blake, gazing around at all the pieces. "Should we pick one?"
"No," said Yang sarcastically, "We should just leave them and live in the forest forever."
"…You're not funny," said Blake.
"I'll win you over eventually," said Yang, looking over the pieces.
Meanwhile:
Jaune and Pyrrha stared into a dark cave.
"Think this is it?" asked Jaune.
Pyrrha stared at the images on the rock wall. They were pictures of people fighting what looked to be a giant scorpion. "I don't think so…" she said. She turned to Jaune and said, "Maybe we should look somewhere-" She blinked. Jaune was standing beside her with a lit torch in his hand. "…Where did you…?"
"My mom got a little worried that I was coming to Beacon," said Jaune. He gestured to his sweater. "She made me bring all sorts of things, just in case."
"…Like a torch?" asked Pyrrha.
"Mm-hmm," nodded Jaune. With his free hand, he reached into his sweater's front pocket and rummaged around. "A torch…a GPS…a first aid kit…water filtration unit…defibrillator…extra pants…"
"I think I get it," said Pyrrha, holding up a hand to stop Jaune. "And while I am marveling at the fact that you somehow have all of that on your person, I still think this is a bad idea."
Jaune stepped towards the cave and said, "Pyrrha, I've been playing video games for a long time. Long enough to know that all the good shit you could possibly find is in caves."
"I don't mean to fault your knowledge, Jaune," said Pyrrha. "But…"
Jaune looked at her with big, watery eyes. His lower lip quivered.
"…But I guess it wouldn't hurt to check," finished Pyrrha. "Just…please stop looking sad."
Jaune smiled at her and led the way into the cave. "See?" he said after a few minutes of walking. "This isn't so bad. Nothing's going to go-" Jaune cried out as he stumbled, dropping the torch into a puddle of water. The flame fizzled out, leaving Jaune and Pyrrha in the dark.
"…Were you going to say wrong?" asked Pyrrha. She squinted and tried to see in the darkness. "Does it feel warm in here to you?"
"A little, I guess…" said Jaune, picking himself back up. "Let's check it out. But we should probably hold hands so we don't lose each other." He held out his hand for Pyrrha. He let out a high-pitched squeak as he felt a hand squeeze his butt. "P-Pyrrha? Th-that's not my hand!"
"Oh!" said Pyrrha, blushing. "Sorry, Jaune."
They were silent for a few moments.
"Pyrrha?" asked Jaune. "Your hand's still there…and are you squeezing tighter?"
"Sorry!" said Pyrrha, quickly letting go.
Back at the temple:
Yang gazed at a golden knight chess piece. "Well hello, my little pony," she said as she picked it up. "Write any letters to a princess lately?"
"Cute," said Blake, rolling her eyes. "Now that we've got our thing, should we head out?"
"Yeah," said Yang. She stretched her arms over her head and yawned. "Man…this was really easy. Ozpin made it sound like it'd be tough."
"I know, right?" asked Blake. "I mean, it's not like this place is hard to find. Only an idiot would get lost trying to find it."
Back in the cave:
"It's official," said Jaune, stumbling through the dark, "I'm lost."
"Maybe we should hold hands again," said Pyrrha quickly as she gracefully followed him. "You know…for safety?"
"I would, but you keep missing and grabbing my a-" Jaune paused and squinted. "What's that gold thing?"
A large, pointed, crescent-shaped object was hanging in front of them. It glowed with a warm, golden light.
"That's gotta be it!" said Jaune excitedly.
"I don't think it is…" said Pyrrha doubtfully.
"Pyrrha," said Jaune, "It's gold, it's shiny, and it's cool. How could it not be the relic?" He reached out and tried to grab the object, only for it to move out of his grasp. "Huh?" asked Jaune. He tried grabbing it again, only for it to move away. "Bad relic!" he said, smacking it. The object swung forward and smacked him in the face. "Hey!" Jaune jumped and grabbed onto the object. "Got you!"
"Jaune?" asked Pyrrha, watching as the boy was lifted into the air.
Jaune blinked and looked down at Pyrrha. He looked forward and saw six blazing red eyes staring at him. "…Pyrrha?" asked Jaune calmly, not taking his eyes off the eyes. "…I do not believe this is the relic."
Back at the temple:
A high-pitched shriek rang through the forest.
"Did you hear that?" asked Yang, turning around. "Some small, wimpy little girl is in trouble!"
"Could it be your sister?" asked Blake.
"Nah," said Yang. "Ruby's been trained to handle all sorts of Grimm. She wouldn't scream. Whoever this is, it doesn't sound like she's been in real combat before…"
Back at the cave:
Pyrrha was thrown out of the cave, her spear and shield landing beside her. She quickly picked them up and got back on her feet just in time to see a large, scorpion-like Grimm burst out of the cave.
"Pyrrha!" screamed Jaune as he hung onto the Grimm's stinger desperately. "Help!"
"I'll save you, Jaune!" said Pyrrha.
The Grimm, sensing the opportunity to be a giant asshole, flicked its tail, flinging the screaming Jaune deep into the forest.
Pyrrha blinked. She turned and ran into the forest, screaming, "I'll save you, Jaune!"
The Grimm roared behind her and began to give chase, knocking over trees as it scuttled after the girl.
No actual trees were hurt during the making of this chapter.
Jaune, however, sustained mysterious hand-shaped bruises on his ass. His partner, Pyrrha Nikos, declined to comment on the matter.
