Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the dialogue - they belong to the wonderful Julie Kagawa. I'm just playing with them a little bit ;)
Spill Your Guts
I wander around court aimlessly, unable to stop thinking about Meghan. I knew when I told her in the cave that we couldn't be seen together here, she didn't fully understand. I don't think I really expected her to. When she thinks of family, she thinks of love and laughter - not plots and sabotage. I don't think there's been a moment where I haven't regretted making that stupid deal with her. She doesn't belong here - she doesn't deserve to be here. My only saving grace in all of this is that she rarely leaves her room. Tiaothin is keeping an eye on her for me, and is particularly disgruntled that Meghan doesn't want to do anything 'fun'. You can say what you want about Meghan Chase - she's a fast learner. If she continues to do what she is doing - keeping out of the way of everyone here - then she might actually make it out of here alive.
I head out into the courtyard, the icy wind biting my skin even through my long coat. It's a welcome change from inside the palace though so I welcome the cold wind. I embrace it. Until I hear Rowan's voice from across the yard. My heart sinks a little - is it too much to ask to have a few minutes away from my brother? Apparently so. I debate turning around and heading back inside but then I hear her and my heart freezes. No. She is not talking to Rowan. She is locked away in her room, as safe as she can be in Tir Na Nog, because if she is out here talking to my brother then she is dancing with death. I abandon any attempts of going back inside and hurry over to where I hear them talking. I stop just short of them, watching from behind a frost covered tree. Meghan looks terrified; her hands are locked over her mouth as she backs away from my brother. I watch in horror as Rowan snaps his fingers lazily and the snow around Meghan's boots starts to harden, locking her in place. The ice steadily makes it's way up her legs and past her waist, and even from here I can see Meghan begin to shake from the cold.
"I can make it stop you know," Rowan says taking a bite from an apple. His back may be to me, but I know without a doubt that he is wearing the look of a predator when it knows it's prey is trapped. "All you have to do is answer a few innocent questions, that's all. I don't know why you're being so difficult, unless, of course, you have something to hide. Who are you trying to protect, half-breed?" And I suddenly understand what Rowan has done. He knows that Meghan is special - every fey inside and out of the Nevernever knows she's special - and he also knows that I'm omitting some of the truths of my adventure with Meghan. And the one thing Rowan hates more than me, is not knowing something. Being out of the loop in Tir Na Nog can get you killed. If you don't hear about the group of red caps that are having a feast in the southern part of court, then you're likely to be eaten. It's dangerous for anyone to not be in the loop; for a prince, it's a disgrace. Meghan begins to shake more violently now, hard enough that she cannot support her hands covering her mouth and they fall away. I take a step forward, more than ready to end this torture. She doesn't deserve this. Even as I raise my hand to break the ice trapping her, I hear her whisper my name and my heart breaks. Because I know that as soon as I make myself known to Rowan, I'm going to have to treat her in the same way that my brother is. Like she's a nobody. Like I don't think about her every second of every day, wondering and hoping she's okay. Relying on Tiaothin to fill me in on how she's doing. I push those feelings aside, knowing that what I'm about to do is going to save her. By acting cold and distant, I'm saving her life. The cage surrounding her shatters and I step out from my hiding place.
"Ash," Rowan says with a smile. It takes everything in me not to grab Meghan and run; to school my face into the cold mask that I wear whenever I stay at court. "What a coincidence. Come and join us little brother. We were just talking about you." I hate it when he calls me little brother, so it's not difficult to fake my irritation at him.
"What are you doing Rowan? Mab told us not to bother the half-breed."
"Me? Bother her?" I barely stop myself from rolling my eyes at the innocent look Rowan pulls - he's not fooling anyone and he knows it.
"I'm never a bother. We were just having a scintillating conversation. Weren't we, Princess? Why don't you tell him what you just told me?" I can't help but look at her now. What has she told him? Has she said anything about our time in the iron realm? She can't have - if she had said anything, Rowan would be with Mab right now, telling her everything. Meghan opens her mouth to say something but her eyes widen in fear and she claps her hands back over her mouth as if to stop herself from speaking. A glimmer of an idea forms in my mind as I watch her and my stomach drops as I begin to piece together what Rowan's done to her. "Oh, come now, Princess, don't be shy," Rowan says slyly. "You seemed to have a lot to say about our dearest boy Ash, here. Go on and tell him." Meghan glares at Rowan with a hatred that until now, I wouldn't have said she possessed. At least we know Rowan's talent for annoying everyone in a ten mile radius is still going strong. Meghan sways slightly but instead of focusing on her, my gaze narrows in on something lying on the ground next to her. I walk over to it and hold it up - a spotted toadstool, a bite mark exposing the white flesh inside, mocking me. I don't say anything - I can't. Of all the things for Rowan to do, I never thought he'd stoop to this. I hold the toadstool up and, forcing myself to act distant and closed off, raise an eyebrow in question. Rowan sighs as if explaining why he's going round giving Spill Your Guts to the princess is a tiresome chore for him.
"Mab didn't specifically say we couldn't use spill-your-guts," he says, shrugging. "Besides, I think you'd be most interested in what our Summer princess has to say about you." My heart clenches because I can just imagine what she's said. The same things that I've been thinking since the guards picked us up in that cave on the borders of Tir Na Nog.
"Why should I be?" I ask, pretending to be bored by the entire business. "This conversation isn't important. I made the bargain to get her here, and now it's done. Anything I said or did was for the purpose of bringing her to court." Meghan gasps but I carry on regardless of her - I have to - because Rowan has to know there is nothing between us. Nothing can be left for him to latch on to if Meghan wants him to leave her alone. "Mab doesn't care how I did it, as long as the goal was accomplished. Which is more than I can say for you." I cross my arms and shrug at him, knowing it will infuriate him. "Now, if we're quite done here, the half-breed should return inside. The queen will not be pleased if she freezes to death." I turn away before I do something really stupid, like knock my brother out and take Meghan far away from here. Rowan doesn't say anything and I dare to hope that the matter is done with.
"Ash!"
"Dammit," I mutter, low enough for no one else to hear.
"Wait!" She calls. I ache to turn to face her, to tell her that everything's going to be okay. "Ash! I love you!" My stomach drops and I fight the urge to curse. I know without looking that Rowan is wearing the biggest grin because he knows he's won. Which means I'm going to have to do the one thing I never truly wanted to do. I'm going to have to break Meghan completely. And, in the process, it's going to break me. I steel myself, clenching my fists so hard that my nails dig into my palm, drawing blood.
"That's unfortunate for you, isn't it?" I say, careful to keep my voice dead, even as a part of my heart that was revived by the appearance of the Summer princess, breaks. "But the Summer Court has always been weak. Why would I touch the half-breed daughter of Oberon? Don't make me sick, human." Behind me, I hear her fall to the ground, snow crystals crunching under her weight and I wonder if she is as cold as I am right now.
"Oh, that was cruel, Ash," Rowan says, like his entire year has just been made. "I do believe you broke our poor princess's heart."
"Are you happy now Rowan?" I ask coldly. "Now you've got what you wanted? You wanted her broken, didn't you? You didn't have to use me as an instrument in that."
"But you're the only person who would, little brother." He says, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "Uh-oh." I turn to face him and open my mouth to say something, when I catch sight of what's made my brother turn a little paler. Meghan, lying on the snow, her usual white blonde hair, turning dark as the snow saturates it. I stalk over to her and turn her, as roughly as I can make myself, to see her eyes are closed.
"Well done brother." I say, scooping Meghan into my arms with an added eye roll just for added effect. "What are you going to tell Mab?" I don't hang around waiting for him to answer. Meghan's lips are already tinged with blue, and my only concern is getting her inside, where it's marginally warmer.
Needless to say, Mab wasn't best pleased with Rowan when we entered the throne room with an unconscious princess. I stand to the side, letting the court healer poke and prod Meghan as best they can as she lays in my arms as Rowan promises Mab that he had absolutely no idea the princess would react in this way to a simple mushroom. Everyone in the throne room, including Mab, knows that he's stretching the truth but, as usual, Mab says nothing other than repeating her instructions to leave the half-breed alone, unless specifically invited. As soon as we're dismissed I head towards Meghan's room, my blood pounding in my skull as I look down at her. Even unconscious she doesn't look at peace and yet another piece of my heart breaks for her. She doesn't deserve this. It's my fault for agreeing to that idiotic bargain. I knew full well what would happen to her when we got here but I made the deal anyway, eager for another gold star next to my name in Mab's books. I lay her down under the covers, pulling them up to her chin and smoothing back her hair. I don't have long before the healer returns with herbs and remedies to try and lift whatever spell has Meghan trapped like this, and I'm determined to not waste a second. I light the fire in the grate, coaxing the blue flames into life until they fill the room with an uncomfortable heat. I turn back to face her, part of me hoping to find her watching me, smiling at me, telling me that she forgives me for what I've done to her. Even though I know that that won't happen - to see her beautiful blue eyes watching me or for her to forgive me for what I've done - I can't help but be disappointed when her eyes remain stubbornly cold. I walk over to her and squeeze her hand gently, opening my mouth to say something, anything to her, when there's a sharp rap at the door. I sigh and stalk over to it, settling the cold, blank mask in place before opening the door.
"Your Highness," the healer says, his eyes permanently fixed on the floor.
"Make sure the half-breed survives," I tell him as he shuffles past me.
"Yes, Your Highness," he murmurs, turning to start his work on Meghan. I watch him for a second longer before leaving him to it, leaving behind a silent prayer for the girl lying on the bed. Please hold on for me Meghan. Don't give up on me now.
Over the next few days, I can't go anywhere in the court without hearing about Meghan. From all the gossip and the updates I'm getting from Tiaothin, it seems that my silent prayer from that first day has gone unheard by the girl who has stolen my heart. The only saving grace is that Rowan has grown bored of Meghan now that she's been rendered unconscious and so hasn't been causing trouble. But from what Tiathoin has been telling me, Meghan isn't getting any better. It doesn't matter what the healer gives her, nothing's working. So, even though everything in me is telling me not to, I start slipping into her room when no one's there. I never touch her, just stand in the corner and watch her, just to make sure she's still here, that she hasn't left me yet. It doesn't matter how much warmth the fire's throwing out, she's still abnormally pale, her arms covered in goose bumps no matter how many blankets are piled on top, and she's never quiet. She moans softly and her eyes dart underneath her closed eye lids. Whatever she's dreaming about, it's obviously not pleasant. The lack of food or water means that she's losing weight as well, and everyday that I come to see her, she seems to be worse than the day before. I wait and watch, torturing myself by not reaching out and holding her hand, or brushing back the hair that's spread out on the pillow, until one day I can't stop myself. I kneel next to the bed and take a deep breath.
"Meghan," I say softly."Don't do this. If you don't come out of this soon, you'll fade away and drift forever. Fight it. Come back to us." She stirs briefly and my heart soars, until her shoulders relax and she sinks back into the pillows, sinking into oblivion once more. I can't help the sob that escapes me at the sight of my stubborn Meghan, lying pale and helpless on the bed, because of me. "Please," I say desperately, holding her hand tightly. "I know what you must think of me, but…" I break off and take a deep breath to try and calm myself down. It doesn't work. "Don't leave," I whisper. "Meghan, don't go. Come back to me." I brush a light kiss on her cheek before I can stop myself and I push myself to my feet and force myself to walk away. I lock the door to my room and collapse onto my bed, burying my face into my own pillow. What have I got myself into? There's only one thing that's certain - Meghan can't stay here much longer. Her health and my sanity rest on her leaving. Soon.
I'm so sorry - I'm such a bad writer. Here is the promised update from like a month ago - I hope it doesn't disappoint. I'm so sorry it's taken so long but I've been on a 3 week holiday and I just haven't been in a writing mood lately, but I hope to get back into some sort of schedule now. Let me know what you think - this is one of my favourite scenes in the Iron Daughter so I hope I did it justice. xx
