A/N: Here you go! A longer chapter! It was one of the more difficult chapters to write for me, and I really hope you enjoy it.
Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, PMs and simply for just reading my writing! It really does mean a lot to me, and I absolutely love hearing other people's views on what I've written!
Hope you like this chapter as well!
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue, this is purely written for my own, and hopefully other's enjoyment.
CHAPTER 6
It had been a week since she had gotten the news.
She hadn't been in the barn since.
She had worn his t-shirt night and day, just sitting in the same spot on the couch in the living room, staring out the window, thinking about everything she should have told him, everything she should have done. Everything they could have done together.
She could move just fine now, and figured it was due to her coming over the initial shock of losing him so soon, before she had had a chance to fully realize what he meant to her.
The pain she now felt, knowing that she would never see him again, was unbearable. Her heart was in a constant knot and it felt like it wasn't beating properly, not pumping enough blood around to sustain her.
She now knew he had been patient. Biding his time until she would figure out that he was the one she wanted. And the guilt she felt at not having realized how he had acted towards her, how he had been attentive, listened to her, known what she needed even before she did, was unbearable.
It ate at her like mould, slowly spreading from the pit of her stomach to her heart and the rest of her body. That gnawing feeling that she should have wised up earlier, that she should have realized and told him, long ago, how she felt about him.
Luke was still there. He tried to help her, but no matter how much effort she saw him put into it, it still wasn't enough.
No.
It wasn't right. No matter what he did and said it wasn't what she needed. She needed Sam. She needed Sam to tell her he was there, to tell her that if she wanted to talk she could call him.
She grabbed her phone and dialed the all too familiar phone number. It went straight to his voice mail.
The first couple of dozen or so times it had been ringing forever until it finally switched over. She had now called the number so many times that the phone had probably run out of batteries.
She just needed to hear his voice.
"Uh… This is Sam Swarek… Uhm… Leave a message."
She couldn't get enough of it, and dialed once more.
"Uh… This is Sam Swarek… Uhm… Leave a message."
She kept hoping that it would change, but it was beginning to dawn on her that this was just wishful thinking.
Traci had gotten a habit of calling her at least three times a day, asking how she was holding up, if she would like to come outside, if she'd want to come see her friends at the barn. Andy's answers were always; fine, no and no.
She couldn't face going back.
To walk inside and not see him, and to relive the horror of getting to know, scared her out of her mind. She couldn't bear going through it all again. So she stayed inside, only moving from the bedroom, in a straight line, down the stairs, through the living room, and into the kitchen to make some food, then back into the living room, to flop down on the couch, and stare out the windows as she ate what little she managed to get down before her stomach started turning.
She had swallowed her second bite of her sandwich when her phone rang. Andy just knew it was Traci calling for her first check-up of the day.
She picked up, ready to give the standard string of answers.
"Hello?"
"Andy. How are you?" Traci asked as expected.
"Fine." Andy replied dully. She pulled at the neckline of Sam's t-shirt up to her nose to smell it, but was disappointed as his scent was now mixed with her own and not as distinct as it had been that day a week ago.
"Do you want to come out today?" She asked, as she always did every phone call these days.
"No." Andy said, playing with the neckline of the shirt.
"It's Sam's funeral today." Traci said after a short pause.
Logically, Andy had known that this day was nearing, but emotionally she was in no way ready for it.
"You do want to attend?" Traci asked when she didn't say anything.
"Yes." She replied. She did want to go. But she was scared. She was scared to lose it, to break down in front of everyone and to show how cracked her armor had become because of his death. To show them all the effect he had on her. How much she had cared, how much she did care.
"I'll come over, and you and I and Luke will go together okay?" Traci asked, though Andy knew she wasn't really asking. "I'll be over at ten. The service starts at eleven." She informed. "I'll see you soon."
Andy hung up the phone and leaned forward to grab the sandwich from the plate to take another bite. She then realized that she was no longer hungry and put it back down.
She had to get dressed. She needed to look nice for Sam. To be respectful.
She had put on her dark nylon stockings, and was standing in front of the open wardrobe staring at her dress uniform. She'd reached out to pull it down about a dozen times, but it just didn't feel right.
If she wore the uniform, it would mean that she was there grieving a coworker, which of course she would be, but that wasn't entirely it. Sam had meant more to her than just a coworker. He had been her protector, her mentor, her friend, her…
She looked to the left of her uniform and saw a simple black dress. Yes. That was more appropriate. It was more personal. It would show that he meant more to her than just a coworker.
She spent a long time convincing herself to finally take off Sam's t-shirt, before she put the dress on. She then put her hair up in a bun, and carefully put on a thin layer of make up to cover up the markings her face was bearing due to grief and lack of proper sleep.
When she had finished, she had gone back downstairs and taken a seat to wait in the indentation that had formed in the couch from her sitting there for hours on end for days.
Luke arrived home some ten minutes before Traci arrived. He had kissed her temple and asked her how she was doing as he had entered the living room. She had told him her regular "fine." And he had gone upstairs to change into his dress uniform before coming down to join her on the couch.
He had tried to talk to her, but she hadn't been much of a conversational partner, so after a couple of minutes he gave up, and not long after that, the doorbell chimed announcing Traci's arrival.
They had all walked to Traci's car together. Andy had gotten into the back voluntarily and she had noticed Luke and Traci sending each other questioning looks at her actions before they had both shrugged and gotten into the front seat.
She just didn't want to sit next to anyone. Was that so hard for them to understand?
The ride was silent and uncomfortable and Andy was happy when they at long last pulled into a parking lot near a small church.
The three of them got out of the car and Andy followed behind Luke and Traci as they made their way up the stone path to the church entrance. It was a small and delicate stone church which Andy thought was suitable for Sam's funeral. He wasn't a big show off in life, so why would he be at his death?
Andy could remember Traci saying there wouldn't be a viewing due to the harsh circumstances of his passing at some point during the ride to the small church on the outskirts of Toronto. Andy wasn't even sure if she would have wanted to see him if she had had the option.
She wanted to remember his face the way it had been when he had still been there. The way his eyes twinkled when he looked at her and the way his lips couldn't help but curl into a smile when she did or said something silly.
The thought of his smile made a small one appear on her own lips until she caught herself, and realized it wasn't the proper expression for a funeral. Her heart felt heavy and sank deep into her stomach as her smile faded and she reminded herself that he was gone, and that this was the absolute last goodbye.
She couldn't even remember the last thing she had said to him. She frowned trying to remember as she sat down on the second row behind four dark-haired people.
Andy only saw the back of their heads, but she assumed that the long black hair belonged to a woman, who she realized had to be Sam's sister, Sarah. Next to her sat a man with short dark brown hair, who Andy assumed was her husband, and on either side of the couple sat two boys, who Andy pegged to be in between their tweens to early teens, no doubt, Sam's nephews.
She never knew he had nephews.
She frowned as she realized she knew nothing about his family other than what he had told her that time long ago about Sarah on their trip to Sudbury. She wished he would have told her more. That she would have known these people who were so obviously grieving in front of her. That she could join them and that they could all take comfort in each other's grief.
Luke slid down on the pew beside her, and grabbed her hand. She pulled away and let her hands rest in her lap. He copied her position, just sitting there silently.
She knew he was trying to be there for her, that he was trying to help her get through it, but it wasn't working. She was just getting more annoyed the more he tried.
She turned around as sounds of hushed voices came through the church doors to see a uniformed Oliver Shaw enter, hand in hand with his wife Zoe, who Andy had met once, followed by three young girls ranging in an age, Andy guessed, from five to twelve. Shaw ushered them into the second row on the opposite side of the aisle from where Andy and Luke were sitting.
Jerry soon arrived and slid in next to Traci who was sitting behind Andy.
Dov, Chris and Gail were the next to enter the church, and they sat down behind Shaw and his family. Noelle and Best arrived together shortly thereafter, sitting down near the back as more people, some of whom Andy knew, some she'd never seen before, filed inside, quickly filling the small church to the rim.
She felt happy for Sam that so many people had come to pay their final respects. But that happiness was soon pushed aside by that horrible feeling telling her that however much she'd might need to see him, to talk to him, she would never be able to do so again.
The service had been by the book and the minister had quoted the same psalms that had been used in every funeral Andy had ever attended. When he finished, Shaw walked up to the front of the church to say a few words.
"Sammy was a good friend of mine." He took a deep breath before continuing. "He was a great copper who, though he often colored outside our lines, never colored outside his own. The lines he drew for himself, were firm, and he would never cross them even if his life would depend on him doing so. This was one of the main reasons he managed to be such a good friend and such a good cop."
He took another deep breath, looking around the small church, taking in his audience who was listening intently.
"Sam loved excitement. He loved the thrill of the chase and the more danger the case involved, the more he loved it." He smiled sadly.
"This, and his clear lines, made sure he had a knack for working undercover; delving into the deepest, darkest minds of criminals to bust their organizations from the inside was his greatest love for a long time. This was sadly also what…" He trailed off, inhaling sharply.
"What ended up taking…" He blinked quickly a couple of times.
"Taking him away from us."
Andy felt tears running down her face as she remembered the joy Sam's face had held when he had told her about his many undercover operations. His vivid descriptions of how it was to live, constantly on edge, never knowing if you were going to be made. Having to pretend to be someone else, a person with whom you had nothing in common, and to do so convincingly to keep from getting killed. She hadn't realized until now how lovingly he had indeed spoken about it, she had just viewed it as part of her training, and it made her sad that he would never get to experience that feeling again.
"Let's remember Sam Swarek as the great friend and copper he was! Not to mention Sam, the excellent poker player taking all of our money, and what other possessions we dared to bet, too many a time!" He shot Jerry a look accompanied by a small smile at his last statement before retaking his seat next to his wife.
Andy had remembered the day Jerry had come to work completely shaven because he had bet his facial hair at poker. She remembered Sam's horrible hangover and working with Luke for the first time.
Yet, when she had screwed up and everything had fallen apart; Sam was the one she had turned to, and he had helped her willingly in spite of how horrible he must have felt.
She should have noticed already back then that there was something between them, she probably did, but instead of acting on it she had pushed it away.
She remembered how he had jumped at helping Benny's mom with the plumbing that very evening.
How had she ever thought he was the bad guy who was no good for her?
She noticed movement on the first row and saw the woman she assumed was Sarah get up and walk to the front. She looked a lot like Sam, though her features were more feminine. Her jaw was narrower and her brow and nose were just slightly different from his.
She looked devastated, yet strong and held together at the same time, and Andy admired her courage for being able to walk up there at all, and let alone speak.
"Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming." She started as she looked around the room, taking in her onlookers.
"My name is Sarah. I am…" She frowned. "I was Samuel's sister." She breathed deeply.
"Growing up with Sammy wasn't always easy, at least not in our home. He was a good boy and a great brother, always trying to protect the people in his life, regardless of his own safety. This got him into a lot of unfortunate situations, and combining that with our living conditions made the grounds for a highly stressful upbringing." She paused and looked down at the first row at her husband and children before she looked around the room once more and continued;
"I guess that our upbringing is what made him learn to put everything on the line to get what he wanted, and to protect as many people as possible from getting hurt. I believe it was this that drove him to become a police officer: His incessant need to save and protect everyone he felt deserved it, no matter the risk to himself."
She smiled sadly. "To me though, he always was and always will be the little boy who learnt 101 jokes by heart in an attempt to make his sister smile during a time where she had nothing to smile about…"
"Though he was unsuccessful at this particular task, he never gave up, and it's because of him that I am here today with my husband and our two boys…" She trailed off with a sigh and looked down at her hands which she held folded in front of her.
"Without Sammy… I would have been a lost cause long ago, and I owe him my life." Silent tears were slowly running down her face now.
"Samuel Swarek was a great brother and uncle. And as you heard from officer Shaw;" She smiled a sad smile in Shaw's direction, flashing those familiar dimples Andy had gotten so used to seeing on a daily basis.
"A great friend and police officer. I hope you will remember him for the rest of your lives and that you will, as me, always hold a special place for him in your hearts. Because I really and truly believe that he deserves it. Thank you." She said before stepping down and walking over to her husband who was waiting to hug her tightly.
Her speech had left Andy with a lot of questions. What was this difficult and stressful upbringing Sarah had been talking about? Sam had never mentioned anything of the sort. The only thing she knew about was the joke book and what had happened to Sarah. Andy also realized that she had no idea how she had worked through her issues.
Why did Sam have to be so private? Why couldn't they just have talked like normal people instead of going through all those conversations finding innuendos to say what they really meant to each other?
No. She shouldn't be angry with him. It was his funeral. She should just sit there, shed a few tears, and remember him. That's what funerals were for, weren't they?
She felt someone's eyes on her, and looked up. Her light brown eyes connected with Sarah's deeper brown ones. They looked so much like Sam's.
Andy swallowed hard as their eyes remained connected offering silent condolences. It felt like she knew. Like Sarah knew how she had felt, did feel, about him. It felt like Sarah knew who she was. How could she? They had never met before. But Andy knew who she was without them having met. Had Sam talked to Sarah about her?
Their eye contact broke as people began moving. Shaw, Jerry, Best, Dov, Chris and Sarah's husband went to the front of the room where the white casket containing Sam's body was sitting, waiting for them to carry him outside to the burial ground where he was to be lowered into the ground.
Andy couldn't understand how she hadn't seen it standing there. How could she not have noticed something so bright and large in the middle of her field of vision?
She was reminded of how inattentive she had been when it had come to Sam. And she felt guilt boiling inside. She should have asked more questions. She should have been straight with him. She should have…
She felt a warm hand on hers, and hoped for a second that it was Sam's before she looked down to see Luke's. She felt horribly disappointed as he squeezed her hand and stood as the men walked by carrying the casket, Sam's casket, Sam's body, on their shoulders.
Sarah and her two boys followed directly behind and, once they had passed, Luke pulled Andy along to follow them outside.
They had entered autumn, but today was unusually warm and sunny.
As they followed the casket around to the side of the church Andy tried to take in what would be Sam's final resting place. The grounds weren't large, and the head stones were spread about in no particular pattern and they all had different shapes and sizes. Like Sam, it was special.
The grass was magnificently green in the sunlight and the trees were swaying slowly in a warm breeze. It made her feel calm. For some reason she felt like things were good for him and that he was okay wherever he was.
That feeling disappeared when she saw his casket being lowered into the hole in the ground. And she felt like a piece of her disappeared with every shovel of dirt that was thrown on top of it.
She started to feel sick again, and she caught herself wanting to crawl down in the hole, open the casket and curl up beside him. That thought made her even more nauseous. And she had to turn away, putting her hands on her knees, as she hunched over trying to will the nausea away.
She felt a comforting hand on her back and looked up to see Luke with a worried expression on his face. "Do you want to go?" He whispered.
She swallowed several times, before giving up on trying to speak and just nodded silently.
He helped her straighten up before walking over to whisper in Traci's ear and receiving her car keys.
He offered his arm, and she linked hers with his, leaning on him for support as her legs were starting to turn to jell-o.
It didn't feel right, but it was necessary so she fought the urge to step away as he led her back down the stone path towards the car, back to a house she could no longer consider home.
