Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use." I do not own Hetalia or anything besides my own words. Enjoy!
Chapter 7: La gelosia e la comprensione
Lovino didn't know what he was thinking as he let Antonio pull him into a passionate kiss. He knew that he shouldn't be doing this. knew that at any minute someone could walk in on them,still he didn't pull away. In the back of his mind he blamed the lack of sleep for this. His mind too focused on the conversation he had with Ludwig the night before. Even now he could hear every word Ludwig said to him. Could still remember how he had healed Ludwig's cut. That memory made him finally pull away from Antonio. He hated that memory. Hated how it made him feel as if he betrayed both Antonio and Feliciano.
"What's wrong?" Antonio asked.
"Nothing." He lied.
"Te amo." Antonio said placing a chaste kiss on Lovino's forehead.
Lovino wanted to repeat those words. Wanted to tell Antonio that he would always love him,but he couldn't do that. Couldn't give in to the rush of emotions he felt around Antonio. Couldn't let Antonio hear his heart beat faster. Couldn't let those words slip out of his mouth.
"Would you still love me if you knew the truth?" He thought.
"What's the matter? You look like you are going to cry."
"I'm not going to fucking cry idiota!"
"There's nothing wrong with crying."
"I'm not fucking crying !"
`You look like you are going to."
"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled,throwing a pillow at Antonio.
Deep down he did want to cry. He never thought he would've found someone besides Feliciano to thought someone besides Feliciano would love him. Above all he wanted to cry because of the guilt he felt for being happy with Antonio. The worry of what Antonio would do once the truth was out also weighed heavy on his mind.
"I don't deserve you." He mumbled.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"you've been saying nothing a lot." Antonio smiled.
Lovino hated that smile. Hated how his heart skipped and cheeks turned red from a simple kiss. Hated how much he loved that smile.
"You should get back down stairs before they think I killed you."
"You might be right about that." Antonio laughed. "Are you coming." Antonio asked, stopping at the door.
"I rather not." He said, slightly embarrassed of how he reacted earlier.
"There's no reason to be embarrassed."
"Stop doing that."
"Doing what?"
"Reading me like a fucking book."
"I don't mean to. If it makes you feel better you are a hard read. I still don't understand why you do somethings. Like why you were in that tree today."
"Shut up about that already!"
"I just want to know why you were in that tree."
He didn't want to tell Antonio the truth. Didn't want to tell Antonio that he decided to hide in the tree when he saw Elizabeta and him approaching. And he definitely didn't want to tell Antonio that he was on his way to see him before hiding in the tree. The truth was just too embarrassing.
"I already told you it was none of your fucking business. Let's just get back to the others."
"Alright." Antonio said taking hold of Lovino's hand as he opened the door.
"Oh hi." Gilbert said when Antonio opened the door.
"Were you spying on us?!" He said, dropping Antonio's hand.
"No I just came to see if Antonio was still alive."
"Do you think I kill anyone who pisses me off? If you do I would be very careful of what you say because you are starting to get on my nerve."
"That's no way to talk to your madre." Gilbert said, placing his hands on his hips. "I was just concerned."
"It's true fratello." Feliciano said, popping up from behind Gilbert.
"You too? Fucking perfect! Look I don't kill everyone who pisses me off. If i did there would be a lot fewer people in the world."
"That's a relief." Ludwig said, suddenly appearing.
"You Are on my killing list you fucking potato bastard!"
"We should all calm down." Antonio said, placing a hand on Lovino's shoulder.
"Calm down?! They were fucking spying on us!"
"You said yourself that they would think you killed me if i didn't go downstairs. They were just concerned."
"That still doesn't give them the right to spy on us."
All his anger and embarrassment was getting to him. He felt so stupid.
"Es tut mir leid. We didn't mean to spy. Come back downstairs and we can finish dinner together." Gilbert said.
"And what if I'm not fucking hungry?"He snapped.
"Fratello." Feliciano said with apologetic eyes.
"Ti odio."He said before turning towards everyone else. "If any of you ffuckers piss me off again don't bother trying to get me back downstairs." He said pushing his way past Feliciano and quickly descending the stairs.
"Why do you always make me chase after you?" Antonio said, once he caught up with Lovino at the bottom of the stairs.
"I never said you had to chase me."
"That doesn't mean I won't."
Antonio had that look again. That look that told every cell in his body that Antonio loved him. That look that gave him butterflies in his stomach. t was that look that he hated and yet loved so much.
"When will you stop this?" He mumbled.
"I already told you I won't stop coming after you. I'll keep chasing you until you finally stop running."
"E 'colpa tua io continuo scappare."
"come let's go finish our meal." Antonio said leading Lovino into the dining room.
"Let go of my hand."
"Why?"
"Because Feliciano might see us." He whispered.
"We are just holding hands.
"I don't want Feliciano to get the wrong idea."
"Like the idea that you actually love me?"
"Shut up!"He said, cheeks turning red.
"You know everyone is more supportive than you think."
"Everyone?" He asked, raising his eyebrow.
"Sì."
"What about Roderich? He doesn't come off as the supportive type. Plus he hates me."
"Is Roderich the reason why you won't let me hold your hand or kiss you?"
"I don't give a fuck what Roderich thinks."
"Then what's stopping you? Everyone under this roof approves of us together and yes that includes Feliciano."
He didn't want to hear this. Didn't want the security hiding behind Feliciano to disappear. He knew Feliciano approved. Felciano had even asked if he was in love with Antonio. In those caramel eyes he could see how much Feliciano wanted him to be with Antonio. Could see the sad look in those eyes whenever he yelled at Antonio and the sparkle in his brother's eyes when he was kind to Antonio. Despite knowing this he couldn't let Feliciano see that he was right about his feelings for Antonio. He just couldn't confirm that he loved Antonio.
"All this time I've been pushing away so I wouldn't give in to these feelings." He thought, looking into Antonio's emerald eyes.
"Lovino...Lo siento."
"For what?"
"Everything...I think I know why you keep pushing me away."
"You do?"
"I'm moving too fast. When I told you I loved you I thought we would become boyfriends right away. I thought we would be like Gilbert and Matthew, holding hands and kissing without a care...We've been together for some time now and I still don't know all about you."
"I thought you said it didn't matter as long as I ...as long as I felt the same way you do about me."
"I didn't lie to you about that. I don't need to know everything about you, but we should know more about each other than what we do now."
"What we know now isn't enough?"
"Is it really enough for you? Don't you want to know more about me?...I know why don't you meet my parents?"
"Right now?"
"No. I.. mean when you're ready."I don't think I'll ever be ready to meet your parents."
"I understand, but they really do want to meet you."
This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to hold back kisses and gentle touches. And he didn't want to meet Antonio's parents. He doubted he could handle if Antonio's parents were idiots too or worse if they were smart. Lovino didn't even want to think about meeting Antonio's parents. What he wanted was to be with Antonio. To kiss and hold him without feeling guilt. To say I love you without hesitation. To know that everything would be alright once the truth came out.
Feliciano was worried when Lovino left the table. In fact he had been worried about his brother since last night when he had left Ludwig and Lovino alone so he could talk to Gilbert. Gilbert had said that he wanted to talk about something,but when they were alone they didn't do much talking. For a long time he had just looked around Gilbert's room. There was so many questions that he wanted answered,yet he had said nothing. Now he understood that the reason Gilbert had brought him to his room was so Ludwig and Lovino could have time to work things out. He was relieved to see Ludwig still in one piece when he was finally able to leave Gilbert's room, however neither Ludwig or Lovino would tell him what happened between them. Even Lovino laid awake he refused to tell him anything. It frightened him to see Lovino like that. It reminded him of all those sleepless nights Lovino had along their travels. He wanted to know what was wrong, what happened. There was also a lot of older questions he wanted answered, questions that have danced in the back of his head for a long time. Truthfully he was afraid of the answers to those questions.
"This whole day has been horrible." Antonio said placing his head in between his hands. " Lo siento."
"It's not your fault. " Gilbert said, placing a hand on Antonio's shoulder.
He too wanted to tell Antonio that it wasn't his fault. Both he and Lovino wanted to go to school,even so going to school seemed like an impossible dream for them. It was no one's fault for it being only a dream.
"I should go talk to him." Antonio said, getting up from the table. " Which room is Lovino's?"
"The one with the picture of everyone on the door." He said with a small smile.
"Are you alright?" Ludwig asked once Antonio vanished upstairs.
"I'm fine. Fratello will be fine too...When fratello use to get into fights he would run off and I had to go calm him down."
it made him a little jealous to not be the one to run after Lovino now. The thought of Antonio apologizing to Lovino made the jealousy bearable. People usually didn't apologize to Lovino even when they really hurt him.
"Era solo noi allora."
"Feliciano?" Ludwig said, looking into his eyes.
"It's nothing."
"Are you worried?"Gilbert asked.
He didn't know what to say. He was worried about a lot of things. Worried about things from the past, Lovino, what would happen if Antonio didn't calm Lovino.
"Come." Gilbert said getting up from his seat.
"Are we going somewhere?"
"Not exactly."
"Bruder don't tell me..."
"We are going to spy on them." Gilbert grinned.
"That's not your brightest idea."Ludwig said.
"Fratello will get mad."
"That's only if he catches us. If we are quiet we will be safe. Besides it will ease our minds to know what's going on. We need to at least see if Antonio is still alive."
"But Gilbert."
"Come on." Gilbert whispered, carefully moving up the stairs.
Feliciano knew he shouldn't do this ,yet he could feel himself following after Gilbert. Having Ludwig following behind him comforted him. It was surprisingly quiet upstairs. No screaming or cussing. The closer they got to his room however the clearer the words became.
"Tell me what's wrong. I thought...I hoped that when you said you loved me back we would be like an actual you against going to school because of me? " He heard Antonio say.
"It has nothing to do with you."
"Are you sure? if it is I'll make sure I won't do anything at school."
"Why would you say that?"
"Because I would rather see you everyday and not be able to kiss you then to constantly worry where you are and what you are doing."
"You wouldn't kiss me? Wouldn't hold my hand? Wouldn't look at me like that?"
"I wouldn't."
"Then why would I go?Che non è quello che voglio."
Feliciano covered his ears. He didn't want to hear anymore. It was too odd and embarrassing to hear what was being said on the other side of the door.
"Is something wrong?"Ludwig asked.
"No..I don't think we should be doing this."
"Relax Feliciano it's not like they are going to catch us." Gilbert said ,pressing his ear to the door.
"They will." He whispered.
"Bruder let's go."
"You two are..."Gilbert said as the door opened. "Oh hi."
"Were you spying on us?!" Lovino asked.
Guilt grabbed ahold of him as he listened to Lovino yell at Gilbert. He didn't want to be yelled at ,even so he couldn't let Gilbert be the only one to get in trouble.
"It's true fratello." He said, popping up from behind Gilbert.
"You too? Fucking perfect! Look I don't kill everyone who pisses me off. If i did there would be a lot fewer people in the world."
In every one of Lovino's words he could tell Lovino felt betrayed.
"We should all calm down." Antonio said, placing a hand on Lovino's shoulder.
"Calm down?! They were fucking spying on us!"
"I hate all this fighting."He thought.
"Es tut mir leid. We didn't mean to spy. Come back downstairs and we can finish dinner together." Gilbert said.
"And what if I'm not fucking hungry?"He snapped.
"Fratello." He said,pleading with his eyes for forgiveness.
Lovino was pissed. This time they had gone too far. He had gone too far. It was his fault. Things always seemed like it was his fault.
"Ti odio."Lovino said before turning towards everyone else. "If any of you fuckers piss me off again don't bother trying to get me back downstairs." Lovino said pushing his way past Feliciano and quickly descending the stairs.
Silently he watched as Antonio once again went after his brother. His shoulder still throbbed ,but it dulled in comparison to the pain in his heart. He couldn't even remember the last time Lovino said he hated him with so much force.
"Feliciano?"
"It's nothing. Let's just give them some space."
"Did we really upset him?"
"He's more upset with me."
"I'm sure he isn't." Gilbert said.
"You didn't see the look in his eyes when he said he hated me." He thought.
"It's not your fault. If it's anyone's fault it's my bruder's."
"Your awesome bruder." Gilbert corrected.
"Even if he is mad at you it's not the end of the world. You know more than anyone to not take Lovino so serious when he's like this. He's not going to leave you or hold this against you, that's what I respect about him. He always puts you first. The reason why he was so upset was probably because he's worried about what you think about whatever those two were talking about."
"When did you become a Lovino expert?" Gilbert asked.
"I'm not. no one could ever be an expert on him. We just talked."
"What did you talk about?"He asked.
"Nothing really." Ludwig said, cheeks a light pink.
"Why are you still lying to me? why don't you tell me the truth?" He thought as he looked at those Sapphire eyes.
"I thought you assholes wanted to finish dinner!" Lovino yelled from downstairs.
"Let's go. We shouldn't piss him off anymore." Ludwig said, making his way downstairs.
"Come on Feliciano." Gilbert said.
For some reason he felt so alone as he returned to his seat. Even though he was sitting b Ludwig and everyone's moods were lighting up he felt cold as ice. The reason behind this feeling was a mystery. Ludwig was right, Lovino wouldn't stay mad at him forever. And he knew there was probably a good reason for Ludwig and Lovino not telling him the truth about their conversation. What he didn't know was why he was feeling this way. Why he felt as if he were being abandoned all of a sudden.
"I should get going." Antonio said after finishing his meal.
"I'll walk you out." Lovino said ,getting up from his seat.
"I'm glad that he's going." He thought.
The thought surprised him. He liked Antonio and often begged for Antonio to stay a little longer. The sound of the door closing gave him so much relief. It was odd.
"Why do i feel like this?" He asked himself. "I'm going to my room." He announced to noone as he left the dining room.
"Where are you going?" Lovino asked as he started up the stairs.
"Our room." He said as he continued up the stairs.
The picture that hung on the door didn't make him smile like it usually did.
"What is wrong with me?" He asked ,flopping onto the bed. "I wanted Lovino to get along with Ludwig and I wanted Lovino to be happy with Antonio so why do I feel like this?" He cried.
Something was wrong with Feliciano. Lovino could see it the moment his brother came felt horrible and stupid for the things he said and did a few minutes ago, especially what he said to Feliciano. He hadn't meant to glare at him and push him away or say that he hated him. He was just upset. Upset that he allowed himself to be caught with Antonio. Upset that Feliciano had spied on them Upset that he'd paid more attention to Antonio then his own brother.
As they continued to eat he saw Feliciano's sad eyes dart around the table as if he were asking someone to notice him. He didn't know what to do. He knew he was the cause of his brother's sadness, yet he couldn't apologize in front of everyone.
"I should get going." Antonio said after finishing his meal.
"I'll walk you out." He said ,getting up from his seat.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Antonio asked when they arrived at the door.
"If I feel like it."
"Okay."
"That's it? No attempts to force me to meet up with you or sneak in a kiss before you go?"
"Lo siento." Antonio said looking towards the dining room. "I think i should go."
"Don't worry I'll figure out what's wrong with that idiota."
"Call me if you need me."
"I can handle my fratello."
"I know...Goodbye."
For a minute he stood by the door hoping that Antonio would come back for a kiss. The sound of foot steps caught his attention.
"Where are you going?" He asked as Feliciano started up the stairs.
"Our room." He said as he continued up the stairs.
The pain in Feliciano's voice was deafening.
"I fucked up big time." He thought as he chased after Feliciano.
He didn't know whether or not he should barge into their room. From behind the door he could hear Feliciano sobbing.
"Should i get Ludwig? He would be better at this...no he's my fratello. i can do this." He thought as he cautiously opened the door. "Feliciano?"
"(yes?)" Feliciano said, wiping his eyes.
"Why are you crying idiota?...Mi dispiace."He said sitting on the edge of the bed.
"For what?"
"For the way I've acted today. I didn't mean to flip out like that...I was just upset. Antonio is such a dick sometimes."
"You shouldn't say those kind of things." Feliciano said touching his shoulder.
"Does your shoulder hurt?"
"No."
"Let me see." He said, removing Feliciano's hand for a better look.
Pushing away the thin fabric revealed a medium-sized bruise. The sight of it made him feel lower than dirt. Never in his life did he intentionally hurt Feliciano. He would rather die than intentionally hurt Feliciano.
"Mi dispiace."
"You know that I bruise easily."
"Even so I..I hurt you."
"You didn't mean to...Do you hate me?"
"I'm the one who should be asking you that."
"You said you hated me."Feliciano said with tears in his eyes.
"I hated that you spied on me. i don't hate you. i could never hate you. You're all i have."
"That's not true."
"What do you mean?"
"You have Antonio."
"No i don't."
"I know that you love him...I heard what you said."
"What did you hear?"
"That you wouldn't want to go to school if Antonio kept his distance from you."
Those words stabbed into his heart. He would've been fine if Feliciano had heard anything else. Any other word besides the ones that expressed his true feelings. They had been down this road before ,but this time there was no denying his feelings for Antonio. He couldn't deny it. Wouldn't deny it.
"Why would I go if Antonio is going to distance himself from me? I swear he's the biggest idiota in the world."
"Have you said i love you to him?"
"What?! Of course not. Why would I say that to him?"He said pushing away.
"He said it to you and you do love him. Right?"
"How could I say that to some idiota I barely know?"
"...I said it. I've told Ludwig that i love him."
"Why?"
"Because we love each other. He's kind and protects me. I'm not ashamed of letting him know my feelings."
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"I want you to be able to tell me your feelings. i don't like having to guess anymore. I don't want to worry if you hate me or if you're not happy."
"I don't understand. What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"I know you too well to let that slide. Why are you trying to hide your feelings?"
"Because I'm scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Of my own feelings and what you will think."
"I know it didn't seem like it ,but I'm trying hard to get along with Ludwig.."
"It's not about him."
"Then who? Tell me."
"You'll hate me even more."
"I won't. You are everything to me .I would be a complete bastard for hating you ,but I would be worse if I didn't listen to what you had to say."
Feliciano often forgot that Lovino could be kind at times like this. Being reminded of that made him feel even worse.
"You won't like what I'm going to say."
"I won't know until you tell me. Tell me what's wrong so I can kick some ass."
"I think that'll be impossible."
"I can kick anyone's ass."
"Even your own?"
"Even my own?"
"Forget it."
"Stop running away from your feelings."
"Why not you do it all the time! You always run away and Antonio goes after you."
"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're suppose to be the sweet happy twin."
"What if i don't want to be like that anymore?"
"What are you talking about?'
"If I was more like you I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't get hurt so much."
"Why would you want to be like me? You don't think I get hurt too? You don't think I feel? I'm not fucking invincible ...that's why I run away from my feelings. There I said it are you happy now?" Lovino said walking towards the window. I do have strong feelings for Antonio And that's what scares me. ...I'm afraid of getting hurt..Afraid of hurting those i care about. I know how to deal with someone hating me I don't know how to deal with someone loving me... You say you want to be more like me ,but I want to be more like you. I've always been jealous of you."
"Why would you be jealous of me? I can't fight for myself. I get lost easily. A Lot of things frighten me."
"But you're energetic, supportive, and always smiling. You may not have physical strength ,but I wish I had your emotional strength. Strength to say what I really feel. To say kind things. To be liked instead of hated by everyone."
"People do like just have to get to know you. You're a nice person,most people just don't see it."
"I'm not a nice person."
"You are. You're nicer than me. You always put other's needs before your own and work hard to get along with people you don't like."
"Like Ludwig? I'm only doing that because you say you love him."
"I do love him."
"That's why I keep trying. I won't make it easy for him to have you though. He has to prove to me that he's worthy of you."
"I feel so horrible for not doing the same for you."
"Not do the same? You constantly push me to express my feelings about him. You always give us time alone so we can talk." Lovino said ,gently placing a hand on Feliciano's shoulder,
"But today...I was glad when Antonio left. I wanted him to leave since he went to go apologize to you. I wanted to be able to comfort you. And when I overheard you to talking I felt as if the floor came out from under me. Ever since I saw you two together I thought you would be perfect for one another. I wanted you to be happy with him. Wanted you to hold hands and kiss just like Ludwig and I... When I first saw you kiss Antonio I was shocked. you two being together was a wonderful fantasy ,but in reality it scared me. I worried that the day you admit to Antonio your feelings you would leave me."
"I thought you might feel that way that's why I didn't want you to know about my feelings. I knew you would feel abandoned,alone."
"How did you know I would feel this way?"
"Because that's how I feel when I see you so happy with Ludwig. I feel like he has taken you away from me. Feel as if he's the only one who can make you happy. I'm always worried about you. I know tt could never leave you,but you could always leave me. I caused you so much pain and hardship that the second you fell inlove you would be out of my life."
"I've caused you pain too. You've always been there for me. Why would I ever leave you? You can make it on my own ,but I need you."He said, embracing Lovino.
"You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried." Lovino said, returning the hug.
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author notes:
Hello. Sorry for the long wait. It's been crazy three weeks since the last time i updated. I hope everyone had a good Halloween. That week was super stressful , so stressful that it affected my health the following week. I just want you all to know that I'm not updating because I don't care or that I'm too busy with my social life. Honestly I don't have much of a social life. The only times I won't update without a proper apology will be because of my health. I'm sorry for the long wait and having a not so good chapter. I will work hard to keep updating. Cheer me on!
Thank you for all your reviews. Thank you for reading this story. You all motivate me to keep going! I've missed you all while I was getting myself back together.
Translations:
Italian:
La gelosia e la comprensione- jealousy and understanding
mi dispiace- im sorry
fratelo-brother
Che non è quello che voglio- that's not what i want
Ti odio- I hate you
E 'colpa tua io continuo scappare.- it's your fault i keep running away
Era solo noi allora.- it was only us back then
idiota-idiot
madre-mother
German:
es tut mir leid- I'm sorry
bruder-brother
