Iruka stared at the paper in front of him, his eyes slipping in and out of focus as his mind wandered away from his grading. He sighed, putting down his pen and scrubbing at his face with the palms of his hands. His eyes flicked towards the kitchenette. Misumi was humming, her buttocks bouncing as she moved around the kitchen in her underwear, preparing dinner for the both of them.
He watched her for a second, swallowing hard as he thought about his future. She was beautiful, deadly and headstrong, but she wasn't the one for him. He regretted dragging her in to the mess he had the honour of calling his life. But, as he recalled, she had asked to be here. He had told her more times than he could count how he really felt about her. She was nothing to him. He had felt something for her at first, but the excitement had worn off pretty fast.
The thrill of having a secret life had enthralled him. His boring routine of work and Kakashi had dulled his passion for life and the enthusiasm he once applied so readily to his job at the Academy had faded back to nothing at all. That first night with Misumi played heavily on his mind. When she had leaned in and kissed him, he had known it was wrong. The guilt he still felt when he thought about that moment was overwhelming but the small spark of arousal he felt shoot through his body cemented in his mind the reason he had strayed. It was as if the duration of his relationship with Kakashi had slowly drained the colour from his life one shade at a time. He had become so accustomed to the grey of his everyday life that he hadn't realise how bland he had become. When her lips had brushed against his the colour had exploded back in to his life, the searing heat of her skin scolding him as her fingers lingered against his neck. He had become ravenous, his pupils dilating and all semblance of his normal self was taken over by a manic desire.
He swallowed again, shaking his head slightly to clear it of those thoughts. Every time he was close to ridding himself of her he remembered the way she had changed him. He couldn't recognise himself from that night onwards. A fact that he simultaneously adored and despised. He hated her, her personality and the way she played him like a fiddle. She could turn any argument in to a vicious game ending in rough hate filled sex that left him wanting more of her. She manipulate him, stopped him from leaving with a flagrant mix of flaunting her sexual deviance and begging.
She was a terrible person. He, was a terrible person. He had hurt his lover, his best friend. For a woman he had absolutely no interest in seeing. Her presence only served to sate his thirst and piss him off. He needed to get away from her.
He stood slowly, unconsciously holding his breath as he side stepped towards the doorway. He felt guilt start to rise in his chest as he thought about her feelings. He knew she had them and he had tried to dispel them. He was no better now than when he was with Kakashi. Willingly hurting another for his own selfish gains.
"Where are you going?" She asked, her back still facing him. He stopped shuffling and stared at her. She also worked at the Academy of course she had eyes in the back of her head. She turned to face him, her lips quirking in a small smile. "Dinner's almost ready."
He slowly let out the breath he had been holding. His heart thumped in his chest as a wave of déjà vu swept over him. He had been here before, standing in this very spot as his last lover begged him not to leave. She opened her mouth and he cut her off before she could speak the words.
"I'll be back in a second." He lied, a reassuring smile plastered on his face. He moved away from her, forgoing his coat to keep up the charade and slipping out the door. It clicked shut behind him and he broke in to a run. The freezing night air burning his nostrils as he breathed it in greedily. He was monster. He needed help.
OoOoOo
Kakashi stared at the threads of Tenzou's shirt, his eyes a blur. The close proximity coupled with tears making it hard to see anything other than black.
He could feel the other man's impatience in his tense muscles and huffed breath. He knew he wanted to leave. But he couldn't bring himself to let go.
He was a mockery of a man. A pathetic human being that had no right to call himself a Ninja.
Shinobi rule number 25: A ninja must never show their tears.
He had broken that rule more times than he could count in his lifetime. But recently he had found himself shedding tears at the drop of a hat. He despised himself. He trembled lightly in the other man's grip, all remaining shreds of self-respect being torn away from him as he contemplated life without his lover.
He whispered his thoughts it to the other man's shoulder. Tenzou strained to hear him, catching small portions of muffled sentences. He felt terrible. His boyfriend was breaking apart in his arms and he couldn't use the excuse he was powerless to stop it. He had all the power. Kakashi had none.
He could easily stop this from happening. But it was for the best that he stayed quiet. For the good of their relationship he listened silently to the muffled ramblings of an insane man whose heart was breaking. He would be fine once he left. With Guy and Kurenai he just knew it.
"Don't leave?" Kakashi asked a little louder. Tenzou gritted his teeth. The question was obviously meant to be heard. He refused to answer, holding back his reassurance and feeling his own heart start to break as the hands the clung to him tightened before pulling away all together.
Kakashi averted his eyes, his bangs shadowing them from Tenzou's view as he stood.
"Where are you going?" He asked, worry spiking in his stomach as his lover walked past him. Kakashi didn't hear his question as he ambled passed, turning in to the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. He slumped against it, sliding down until he was sitting on the floor with his hands in his lap.
Tenzou heard the click of the lock and swallowed thickly. He wasn't sure it was a fantastic idea to leave his broken lover alone and locked in his bathroom. He stood tentatively, walking towards the door and knocking on it hesitantly.
"Kashi?" He asked, listening carefully for a reply. There was nothing. "Kashi?" He asked again, his voice an octave higher as panic started to rise inside him.
"If you're going to leave just go. Don't drag it out any more than you already have." Came the surprisingly steady voice from behind the wooden door. Tenzou stood straighter, surprised by the response.
Even when he seems happy.
He repeated to himself, his mind playing the words over again as he gritted his teeth and took a deep breath.
"I'm not leaving you here locked in the bathroom." Tenzou said dryly, pursing his lips as he leaned his ear against the door. The room was silent. He pulled away from the door, staring up at the ceiling for a second as he contemplated what he knew he had to do.
He closed his eyes, exhaling sharply as he forced himself to step forwards and phase through the wall to Kakashi's left. He remained hidden in the wall, opening his eyes and watching silently as Kakashi stared straight ahead, his eyes unfocused.
The Jonin shook his head slightly, blinking as his eye refocused.
"Are you still there?" He asked softly, pupils flicking back towards the door he was leaning on before resting on his feet. Yamato didn't answer, knowing that Kakashi's canine hearing would pick up on the fact that he was closer to him than outside the door. "Tenzou?" He asked again, pressing his own head back and against the door to listen.
The ANBU held his breath, focusing all his energy on staying completely still. Kakashi's shoulders slumped in defeat. Tenzou let out a small breath before he passed out. Kakashi stood, biting on his lower lip slightly as he thought.
He began to undress, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping out of his pants so he was clad only in his black boxer briefs. He watched himself in the mirror scratching at his forehead before scrunching his face in disgust and looking away.
He moved to turn on the shower. Leaning in and twisting the taps to the highest setting. He turned, hooking his thumbs underneath the elastic waistband of his underwear. He looked up suddenly, something catching his eye. His lips quirked as he stared at the wall in front of him.
"I didn't take you for the voyeur type, Tenzou." He said softly, as he pulled off his last remaining shred of clothing. His left eye opened and locked on to the spot in the wall where he knew his lover's eyes were.
Sharingan.
Tenzou felt like throwing himself down some stairs. How had he not realised that Kakashi could see his chakra with his Sharingan. No amount of suppressing it could hide himself from Kakashi's visual prowess.
He stood still, pretending Kakashi had not just addressed him directly. Maybe he had heard wrong. Kakashi's small smile turned in to a frown as he slowly looked away. He stepped in to the shower moving under the spray, letting it mingle with the dried tears on his cheeks as he ran his hands through his messy hair. Tenzou watched in silence before moving fully in to the bathroom. He leaned against the shower door arms folded and waited for Kakashi to acknowledge him again. The spray was bouncing off the man in front of him and lightly soaking the front of his shirt.
"Are you really coming back tomorrow?" Kakashi asked, his voice so small Yamato nearly missed it. He nodded.
"Of course I am." He said just as softly, willingly drenching the sleeve of his shirt as he reached in to the spray to caress the other man's side. "Just one night I promise you." He reassured.
He knew what Kakashi was really asking. Why the other man was so reluctant to let him go. But he couldn't let that stop him. It was best for them that they spent some time apart. If he didn't have a recreational night away every now and then he would surely go insane.
Maybe we would be happier if we were both insane.
His mind chuckled slightly at the thought. It wasn't fair to categorise Kakashi as simply insane. He was a special type of crazy. One he was sure he wouldn't be able to live without, no matter how much he tried.
"So who is watching me?" Kakashi asked after a minute of silence. Tenzou was staggered, he hadn't expected his lover to clue on to his plan. After a moment of shocked silence Kakashi tuned to look at him. "I assume you have arranged for me to be 'taken care of' why you're out. Lest I do something stupid." He said bitterly. The emphasis on the last word making the brunette cringe.
"Guy." He answered with a small smirk. Kakashi rolled his eyes, throwing his head back in exaggerated exasperation.
"Whyyy?" He wined, his incredulous look making Tenzou smile. A small glimpse of the Kakashi he had fallen in love with was worth the inevitable whinging that was sure to come.
"Because he's your best friend." The ANBU answered simply. Kakashi looked taken aback. He opened his mouth to protest before shutting it with a click and pushing his head underneath the water. "I'll wait until they get here and then I'll leave. It should be any min…"
"They?" Kakashi asked, his eyes wide and his mouth a thin line.
"Oh yeah… Kurenai too." Yamato clarified. Kakashi opened his mouth. "Because she cares about you." He answered, pre-empting the question. Kakashi's mouth slammed shut with enough force to crack a tooth.
"What exactly are they planning on doing with me?" He asked, his voice a growl.
"Oh I think they're taking you out." Tenzou smiled, knowing full well what was going to happen. But better not spook him before they could even get here. "So scrub up." He grinned, slapping his wet hand on Kakashi's back and exiting the bathroom before the other man could protest.
OoOoOo
"Rival!" Guy screamed, slamming in to the silver haired man and bowling him over with the force. They landed hard on the wooden floor in a tangled mess of long limbs. Guy's teeth glinted as he grinned down on his best friend. Arms either side of his head and crotch resting on crotch.
Yamato stood slack jawed in the doorway, his eyes flicking between the two men on the floor and Kurenai who didn't look at all surprised.
Kakashi glared up at the other man. It was hard to keep his eyes annoyed with the stupid grin he was hiding under his mask. He prayed Guy couldn't see because of the shadow. He would never live it down if the Blue Beast realised he had missed him.
"Should… Um… Should I be worried about this?" Tenzou whispered as Kurenai gave him a bright smile.
"Nah, they've been like this for years." She giggled, walking further in to the room and resting her hands on her hips. "Ready to have some fun Kakashi?" She asked, leaning over slightly so he could see her face but not up her skirt.
"Wow you're um… Still on the ground... Together…" Yamato piped up. He was surprised to feel jealously rising in him. The way Guy was straddling his boyfriend's hips. That was his job.
"Get up boys you're making the tree uncomfortable." Kurenai laughed, reaching down to tug on Guy's arm. He obliged, rising and then extending his hand to help Kakashi to his feet. Kurenai turned to the brunette, her smile kind as she rested a hand on his chest. "It's alright, he's with us. Go have fun tonight." She said, pressing firmly.
He could feel Kakashi's stare penetrating his side and he turned to make eye contact. It was weird seeing him with his mask on. He so often had it off now days that something that seemed fairly normal all his life was suddenly deemed odd in his mind.
The bored expression Guy and Kurenai were witnessing was nothing but. Even with the mask on Tenzou could see the question. The insecurities and the anxious worry that marred his beautiful face.
Kakashi was no doubt trying his hardest to hide those things from everyone but him. The disinterested stare was broken by his lover. His eyes shifting towards the door and then back to him. Yamato nodded only slightly, enough for Kakashi to see only because he was waiting for it.
"Alright, have fun guys." He said breathily, turning on his heel and heading towards the door. He stopped with his hand on the knob. "Love you Kakashi." He said suddenly, turning to watch as his lover's eyes blew wide and the skin above his mask went Scarlett. He chortled to himself, slipping out the door quickly and quietly as Guy started shouting about true love in the springtime of youth.
OoOoOo
"I hate this." Kakashi grunted as a fruity drink was thrust in to his hand. The glass was sticky, the table was sticky, the floor was sticky and if he had to hazard a guess he would say that even the ceiling of this particular establishment was sticky.
"You need to loosen up Dear Rival. You have not been at your best lately." Guy said rather softly for Guy. Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. Even if it seemed at times that Guy had no volume setting, he knew better than anyone that this was not the case. He was capable of being discreet when the situation called for it.
"What do you mean, not at my best?" He asked as softly as he could while still having to yell over the thumping music. Kurenai shot a look at the other man, a clear warning to keep his trap shut. Kakashi trusted Yamato. It wouldn't do to tell him exactly how much the other man had complained about him.
"Oh… Well… You haven't really been at your best for a while now…" Guy floundered. Kurenai jumped in, her voice soothing over Kakashi's frayed nerves.
"What Guy means is we haven't really seen you since you broke up with Iruka. You shut yourself off and we were worried about you."
The mention of Iruka caught him by surprise. He still thought about the other man from time to time but it seemed like an eternity ago they were happy together. The only thoughts he could muster of the Chunin now were unhappy, broken thoughts of betrayal.
"I'm fine." Kakashi lied, closing his eyes and smiling widely. Kurenai rolled her eyes and looked to Guy for support.
"He hurt you." Guy said finally. Kakashi's eyes snapped opened and he pulled back slightly. He was starting to feel cornered. The two of them on the other side of the booth against him. Tenzou had promised him this would be fun.
"I don't want to talk about Iruka." Kakashi said sharply, folding his arms like a stubborn child.
"Alright." Guy said, picking up his own fruity drink and downing it. Kurenai sipped at her beer, trying to ignore the tension between them.
"It's just that…" Kakashi stopped himself mid-sentence. He was about to reveal something personal to two other people.
What am I doing? Is it the alcohol? No…. I've only had one. Maybe it's the whole bar setting making me feel as if I should share my woes…
He thought, remembering a scene from Icha Icha where the main character drowned their sorrows at a local bar. Drinking their night away while sprouting nonsense at an unsuspecting barkeep. He wondered briefly if that scene was taken from Jiraiya's own experiences.
He looked up again, his friend's eyes glinting expectantly. He had to say something now. He couldn't leave them hanging or they would surely pester him.
"It's just that... Thinking about him, still hurts me." He said finally. He was once again taken aback by his own honesty. He hadn't even admitted that much to Tenzou. Although they rarely spoke of the Chunin since Kakashi had confessed his love for the ANBU.
"Of course it still hurts you." Kurenai said sympathetically. She frowned slightly at Kakashi's furrowing brows. "You loved him and he hurt you."
"Then pretended like you hurt him." Guy interjected. Kurenai nodded her agreement. Kakashi's mouth was dry. He loved Tenzou, why were they talking about Iruka like he loved him.
"Kakashi…" Kurenai started slowly. "Do you and Tenzou ever speak about Iruka?" She asked. Kakashi shook his head vehemently.
"Not since we started dating." He answered quickly.
"And when exactly was that?" She asked. Guy watched on, eyes flicking between them both. Kakashi stayed quiet, not liking the direction this conversation was taking. "How long after you and Iruka broke up?" She pressed.
"I don't know." He said quietly, looking away from her. Kurenai sat back, knowing exactly how long it was.
"Kakashi you're allowed to talk about your ex." She said simply. Kakashi shook his head again, his eye wide.
"I don't want to. I love Tenzou."
"I know you do." She said in exasperation. "But I think maybe you need to talk about Iruka. The way he made you feel. What exactly happened that caused the rift between the two of you. Tenzou loves you, he will listen to your feelings. He needs to hear them so he knows why you sometimes act the way you do."
"Act like what?" Kakashi asked defensively, leaning forwards, his hand clenching in to a fist on the table. His friends leaned forwards, both pressing a hand each on top of his fist. He relaxed slightly at the contact.
"Insecure." Guy answered before Kurenai could. "Sad."
Kakashi gaped. Tenzou had been talking to them. They knew his secrets.
"I'm not…"
"Yes you are." Guy said firmly. "And that's okay sometimes but if you aren't careful it might push the ones you love away. You've been pushing me away your whole life but I remain loyal to you as a fiend and rival. I have no trouble believing young Tenzou will do the same. But you need to be careful. I am not always a brilliant judge of character or situation."
No shit.
Kurenai thought to herself, tightening her hold on Kakashi's hand in case he decided to flee.
"What Guy is saying is even if you love each other Tenzou may not fully understand the way your previous relationship made you feel. You need to tell him everything. When he decides to go out and you want him to stay in, instead of just asking him to stay tell him why it's important to you for him to stay. He may still want to go but that's okay. You can't keep guilting him in to spending time with you." She hesitated, not sure if she should continue with her thought. She inhaled deeply, looking to Guy before continuing. He nodded once. Kakashi needed to hear this. "It's hurting him." She finished.
Kakashi visibly flinched. There was a long silence as he contemplated her words. He knew she was right, he just didn't want to believe it. He was hurting Tenzou.
"What if I say it wrong?" Kakashi asked finally, his eye staring at his own lap.
"Say what wrong?" Guy asked, moving forward on his chair.
"What if I explain it wrong and he gets mad?" Kakashi mumbled. Kurenai stood, moving in to the seat next to him so she could hear him better.
"What do you want to say?" She asked. "If you could redo tonight, what would you say to make him stay?"
"Don't go." Kakashi answered, his throat feeling tight.
"Why?"
"Because I'll miss you."
"No… You need a better reason than that." Kurenai encouraged gently.
"Like what?"
"Why don't you want him to go?"
"Because I'll miss him." Kakashi answered again, feeling frustration bubbling inside of him. The Kunoichi sighed, rubbing his bicep with her hand lightly. There was a pause. "Because when you leave I'm afraid you won't come back." Kakashi said softly, his heart in his throat.
"Why?" She asked so quietly he nearly missed it. Guy leaned in, straining to hear their whispers over the music.
"Because…" Kakashi paused again, focusing all his energy on not letting his voice crack. "Because everyone I love, doesn't come back eventually." He answered, blinking furiously.
Kurenai felt her heart sink, she looked away from him, her gaze resting on the sticky table. Guy looked solemn. He sighed softly, mouth twisting in to a pained smile. Kakashi was grateful for the dimly lit club, the shadows covering the contouring on his mask so they couldn't see his lip trembling or the way his face was red with the strain of holding back his emotions.
"Kakashi." Kurenai whispered, her voice reminiscent of the way Rin and had said his name with her final breath. The way Obito had whispered it when he was telling them he was dying. The way Iruka had uttered it in the hospital room the night he had collapsed.
"I think I need to go home." He said dryly, making to stand. Kurenai latched herself on to his arm, holding him in place. He felt uncomfortable yet strangely content with the amount of contact she was giving him.
"Please don't go." She said kindly. "We won't talk about this anymore. We know you don't mean to hurt Tenzou. We'll stop, we were just trying to help."
"Shouldn't you explain to me why you don't want me to go?" He asked sarcastically, sinking back in to the chair and forcing his features to resume their bored expression. There was a long silence as each member at the table contemplated what their new topic of conversation should be.
"Can I ask you guys something?" Kakashi asked finally, breaking the silence and taking them both by surprise. They both nodded eagerly. "If… If I don't get better at this stuff… Will he leave me?"
His friends held their breaths, looking from each other to him before both spluttering their answers over top of each other. Kakashi listen to them, not taking in their scattered reassurance as he mulled over the answer they had given him with their reactions.
Yes. He would.
Kakashi stood, pushing past Kurenai and making a bee line for the bathroom. He needed a second alone, but if he left he would never hear the end of it from both of his friends as well as a Tenzou.
Then again maybe I would hear the end of it.
He thought as he pushed open the surprisingly unsticky door. Guy was right behind him he could feel it. He walked up to the sink, sticking his hands on either side of it and leaning heavily. He stared at the stains in the bowl, wishing he was anywhere else right now.
"Kakashi?"
He sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a moment before looking up in to the mirror. His eye connected with the man behind him.
Iruka...
