Sorry I haven't posted in forever. I've been really, really busy. Here it is!
As Alice drew closer and closer to the house, she could see that there was a large table set up in the front lawn. It was covered by a frayed red cloth and a number of teapots and teacups. It was the oddest set-up Alice had ever seen in a tea party; each of the chairs was a different size and style, as were all of the silverware and teacups.
A small group of odd-looking men occupied one end of the table, but none of the other seats were taken. In a love seat sat a man in a large tattered top hat who looked very familiar to Alice, though she could not remember where she'd seen him before. He was older than any of the boys she had met so far. Scruffier, too. From what Alice could see, his face was covered with brown stubble (the same color as his hair), as if he hadn't had the opportunity to shave in days. Alice could only assume that this man was Hatter who Cheshire told her about.
Sitting next to the man was a stout, balding man who was obviously much older than both of his companions. He sat with his check resting on the table, asleep.
On his other side sat a dark-skinned man, his hair in dreadlocks. He rested his elbow atop the man that was sitting between him and the hatter while he was speaking, occasionally lifting it so he could have a sip of his tea.
Alice approached the group with caution, remembering Cheshire's warning that both Hatter and March Hare were mad. "No room! No room!" the men yelled at her when she caught their attention.
"There's plenty of room," Alice said indignantly, sitting down in a plush green chair, a few seats away from the men.
"Hmm, shall we call a Spade a Spade, Marchy?" Hatter asked.
"Perhaps we should wake Dormy and see what he thinks," March Hare replied, taking another sip of tea. When he set his cup down, both men erupted in laughter, making Alice feel quite uncomfortable because she did not understand the joke.
"What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it?" Hatter asked Alice through fits of laughter.
"Haven't the foggiest," Alice replied, her hands folded carefully in her lap.
Exchanging a glance, Hatter and March Hare called out, "A teapot!" and poured each other another cup of tea.
"Your hair wants cutting," Hatter told her.
"It's rude to make personal remarks," Alice told him, pouring herself a cup of tea.
"It's rude to come to a party uninvited," he retorted, standing up and moving toward her.
"It's rude that you didn't invite me in the first place," she said, also standing to face him off.
"It's rude that-"
"I go in dry and come out wet, the longer I'm in, the stronger I get. What am I?" March Hare asked.
"You told that one yesterday, Marchy," Hatter said, returning to his seat. Alice was grateful for the distraction, for she did not want to get into a fight with anyone who was mad. When one fights with a mad person, Alice was learning, one can never win.
"I believe I can guess that," Alice told him.
"Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?" March Hare asked her.
"Yes," she answered.
"Then you should say what you mean," he told her.
"I do. I mean, I did. I mean what I say, anyways, which is the same thing," she replied.
"Not the same at all!" March Hare responded. "You might as well say 'I hump what I see' is the same as 'I see what I hump.'"
"You might as well say 'I do what I get' is the same as 'I get what I do,'" added Hatter.
"You might as well say 'I get a bone when I see' is the same as 'I see when I get a bone,'" Dormouse interjected, waking up in the middle of the conversation.
"It is the same thing with you, though, isn't it Dormouse?" Hatter jested. The men laughed and the Dormouse returned to his nap, snoring.
Alice was thoroughly upset with the way these men were talking, but at least the subject had been dropped. She felt a little self-conscious sitting in silence. Hatter and March Hare seemed totally at ease with the quiet, though, and she did not want to upset them with speaking.
"Dormouse is asleep again," Hatter observed moments later.
"Let's-"
"Yes, let's-"
Alice had no idea what the boys were planning to do, but she found out as soon as Hatter reached for the teapot. He poured the entire thing over the man's bald head. Dormouse quickly sat up and said, "Yes, she is rather pretty, isn't she?"
"I think so, too, Dormy," purred Hatter.
"I quite agree," added March Hare. "What is your name?"
"I'm Alice," she introduced herself.
"Tell me, Alice, what is a pretty Spade like you doing in Heart territory?" Hatter asked her.
"Pardon me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," Alice said.
"You are a Spade, aren't you?"
"Of course she's a Spade, Marchy. Look at her dress!" Hatter said, once again moving in Alice's direction. It didn't seem like he was trying to threaten her, though, only get a better look at her. She nervously sipped her tea as both March Hare and Dormouse joined Hatter in his observation.
"Look," said Alice, her head bent and her cheeks flushed, "I am not a Spade. I'm not anything. The Duchess's son gave me the dress."
"Ahh, yes, the traitor," said Hatter calmly, rubbing the stubble on his chin (which Alice found very attractive).
"Having an affair with the Princess of Spades. Naughty, naughty boy, he is," March Hare added. "But what were you wearing before he gave it to you?"
"Er – you see, I sort of…grew out of my clothes. I didn't have anything to wear, so he gave me this dress," she explained to them.
"So what you're saying is this: You had nothing to wear, the Duchess's son gave you the dress, you think I look sexy when I scratch my chin, and you are not a Spade. Is that correct?" Hatter asked.
"Yes!" Alice quickly replied. "Wait, I mean-"
"That was very sneaky, Hatter," March said, smiling at his friend. "So, what are we to do with you?"
Alice shrugged her shoulders, and Hatter ordered, "Get up." Doing what she was told, Alice felt her dress being yanked from her body. He tried as best she could to cover herself with her hands while the men looked her over.
"Do me a favor, Dormy. Torch this. We don't need any of the Queen's men to come by and find this with us," Hatter said, completely ignoring Alice's nakedness. "Oh, and bring me my kit from inside."
"Wait!" Alice quickly grabbed the pieces of mushroom she had kept in to pocket of the dress.
When Alice had finished, Dormouse slowly moved to take the dress from Hatter and proceeded inside of March Hare's house. A few seconds later, he emerged with a small doctor's bag in his hands. He carried it as if it was sacred, out in front of him, and offered it to Hatter.
"What are you planning, Hatter?" March Hare asked him.
"Well, I work with clothes on a regular basis. I am the best hatter in all of Wonderland, so I don't see why I can't make a decent dress," he explained. "Arms out, please."
Alice was uncertain because her arms were hiding her privates. "Come, come, dear. Out with them," Hatter prompted. She slowly stretched her arms out, allowing Hatter to take measurements of her bust, waist, torso, and height.
"Lovely. This should take no time at all," he commented to himself. Faster than lightning, he grabbed the tablecloth and yanked it out from underneath the pots and cups, spilling nothing in the process. He cut it here and there, creating what Alice could only assume was a new dress.
"So, have you guessed the riddle yet?" March Hare asked, making conversation.
"No, I give up," Alice said, unable to tear her eyes away from Hatter as he worked. "What's the answer?"
"I have no idea."
Alice looked back at March Hare in confusion just as Hatter announced, "Finished! This one should stay with you, no matter what size you happen to be." He slipped the fabric over Alice's head and stood back with March Hare to admire his work while Alice replaced the mushroom bits to the safety of a pocket.
"Oh, Hatter! She could be a royal! It's wonderful!" March Hare exclaimed. March turned toward him and smashed their lips together in an extremely passionate kiss. Hatter reached up and ran his hands through March's dreads, while March Hare's hands were snaking down Hatter's chest toward his waist. March moaned loudly when Hatter turned his attention toward sucking on one of his earlobes. This seemed to encourage Hatter, for he began sucking with more vigor.
Though she would never admit it, Alice was extremely turned on by the scene in front of her. She nearly lost her composure when Hatter began whispering…shall we say "sweet nothings" in March's ear.
Suddenly, the Dormouse cleared his throat, ending the little love session. "We do have a guest, boys," he said sleepily.
"Yes, and I do have something to say to you, March Hare," Alice said, gathering herself together after what she had just witnessed. "I think you could obviously do something better with the time than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers."
"If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it," Hatter responded.
I say that as well! How curious, Alice thought.
"It's HIM," Hatter added, throwing Alice off guard. "I daresay you've never spoken to Time. He'll do anything you want with the clock as long as you are on good terms with him."
"I suppose I am not on good terms with him," Alice said.
"Neither am I. Such a shame, isn't it?" Hatter asked. "Our quarrel started last year when I was singing in the Queen's court."
Taking Alice completely by surprise yet again, Hatter began to sing.
Twinkle, twinkle little bat. How I wonder what you're at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle…
March Hare had to put his hand on Hatter's shoulder to remind him where he was. "Yes, well, I was hardly through with the first verse when the Queen yelled out 'He's murdering time! Off with his head!'"
"How dreadfully savage!" Alice replied.
"I barely managed to escape," he nodded. "Ever since then, Time has been giving me the cold shoulder. I can't get him to do anything for me anymore. It's always six o'clock, always tea time."
"How awful!" Alice added.
"Unless you like tea," March Hare replied under his breath.
Hatter looked at Alice and, with much gravity, said, "This thing all things devours, birds, beasts, trees, and flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal, slays king, ruins town, and beats high mountains down."
"Let's change the subject," March said cheerfully.
"Who believes that Alice is the ugliest girl he has ever seen?" Hatter asked with a smile.
"Nobody asked your opinion," Alice pouted, obviously offended by what Hatter had asked.
"Who's making personal remarks now?" Hatter joked. "I want a clean-up. Everybody move one space over." Each of the men picked themselves up and moved, and Alice, after much prodding by March Hare, moved as well. She was now sitting on a large bean bag, barely able to see over the table.
Alice began to tell them about how uncomfortable she was in this type of chair, as she was in a dress. "I don't think-"
"Then you shouldn't speak," said Hatter, sipping from the cup that had just been in front of Dormouse.
With a great "humph!" Alice got up from her uncomfortable seat and began to walk away from the group. She would not stand for any more insults.
"'Twas a pleasure," March Hare called after her.
She half-hoped that they would call after her, apologizing for everything that they had said to her, but they did not. Instead, as Alice turned around to take one more look at the motley group, she saw that Hatter and March had resumed their intimacies and had already succeeded in taking each others' shirts off.
Alice thought about staying to see what the pair would do, but thought better of it. She turned and entered the forest once again.
Alice was surprised to see a door in one of the trees and, without thinking, she turned the knob to go in. She found herself in the atrium that she had first encountered in the strange world. There was the table, the small key that rested upon it, and the door to the garden.
This time, I've got it! Alice thought. She grabbed the key, took out a bit of the mushroom that would make her smaller, and ate it. Soon, she was the perfect size to go through the door.
Hatter was true to his word; the dress still fit her perfectly. Happy and clothed for the first time, Alice walked up to the door.
"Welcome back," it said. "I take it you did not drown?"
"Obviously not," Alice said, finally putting the key into the lock. She turned it, opened the door, and walked into the most beautiful garden she had ever seen.
