Dear Diary,

I take back everything I said about Kenny last time. I can't trust him. He's a pussy-licking idiot and I hate him! "Leave that to me," translates to, "I'm going to fuck you over, big time." He texted me this morning and said he was going to the arcade with the guys and asked me if I wanted to go. Hell yeah I wanted to go – arcades are the shit. But when I got there, just Kyle was there. When I asked where the others were, he said that Kenny called a bit ago and said he and Stan couldn't make it. So it was just me and Kyle. Shortly after that explanation, I got a text from Kenny. "Have fun!" it said, with a little fucking winking smiley. Kenny's sneakier than a Jew, and that's saying something.

I know I should've been psyched getting Kyle to myself all Saturday, but it sucked because I was so fucking nervous. I couldn't even talk to him, my throat was so dry, so I just grunted at whatever he said and he probably thought I was being aloof, but I just had no idea what to say to make him fall for me! I'm going to be honest here, I don't know any pick-up lines, I don't! It was so awkward...Well, at first, anyway. But then Kyle went to a claw machine and tried to win a Terrance and Phillip doll. I swear, I've never seen someone suck so hard at a crane game. He kept going for all the worst dolls. Luckily for him, he happened to be with a claw machine master. I stepped in, and in just one try I'd got him a doll, piece of pie...And when I gave it to him, he smiled at me. He fuckin' beamed at me, like some kinda flashlight, and my stomach did all this gay fluttery shit...

...I don't get it. People shove money and toys and food and clothes in my face – all the shit I could ever want and never need – and none of it ever really makes me happy. But Kyle just needs to look at me like that – like he likes me – and I'm the happiest guy alive. How does that work? I dunno. Maybe it's one of those things I'll never understand. That's fine with me, so long as Kyle never stops smiling. And he didn't – for the rest of the day, even when he lost to me at some other games, he was still laughing, and grinning, in that way I really fucking love, and, hell, it actually seemed as though he was having fun...Maybe he was...I hope so. If he can have as much fun with me as I have with him, then that's kickass.

We didn't part ways after we finished at the arcade. We went to eat at one of the lousy diners in our sucky town, but it was great. We shared a pizza. Yeah, it's weird for me to share food, but my stomach was still doing that fluttering thing, so I don't think a whole pizza would've settled in there. And actually, it was nice to share. I never thought I'd like sharing, but I did. It was funny when our slices got stuck together by stringy cheese and we laughed about it. And we talked! I got some soda down my throat and wetted it so I could actually make words come out of my mouth – and I'd forgotten my nerves after the claw machine anyway – so we talked for ages about everything and nothing! I mean, we disagreed on movie and video-game opinions, and argued a hell of a lot, but that's just us – it's our thing. And when we parted ways he pretty much made my heart stop altogether because he said he'd had fun, and he couldn't wait for next time.

Next time. There's going to be a next time. I don't know whether he meant just us two again, or bringing Stan and Kenny along, but either way is great, just so long as I get to be with him more.

...Y'know what? Maybe Kenny isn't so bad after all.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Today is going down in history as one of the happiest days of my life.


Author's Notes:

Huh. Wow. Look at that. Length. Haven't seen that in a chapter for this series before. But the cutie was excited about his crushie, so he had a lot to write.
Also, hats off to Kenny, you lil cupid. Seriously, I'm writing him like he ships them together, but that's because, here, he does. They're his OTP.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.