Chapter 6: Sam Again

After the Beatles week, Sam was feeling… strange. In many ways, he was increasingly happy, happier than he'd ever been in his life, but in other ways… he was confused and still feeling a little lost. He was really enjoying being in the Glee Club, singing to his heart's content, making new friends like Kurt, getting to know interesting people like Rachel Berry and rekindling his friendship with Finn, but something, in the back of his mind, was making him feel wrong.

And it always seemed to happen when he was around Kurt. What was it about Kurt that made him feel so jumpy? Once or twice he caught himself thinking about Kurt in a way that friends weren't meant to think about other friends, particularly guy friends, and he was feeling guilty about it. He tried to ignore it but every time he was hanging out with Kurt, he felt something in himself that he'd never felt before. Not only was he feeling the happiest when he was just sharing a joke with Kurt or just having a conversation with him, it was feeling a lot more than that. Kurt wasn't just fun to be around. Kurt had, in just under two weeks, become almost everything to Sam. He hated to admit it to himself and he didn't understand it… but all he thought about when he was alone was Kurt. What was Kurt doing? What should he say tomorrow to make Kurt laugh like that again? What should he wear tomorrow? Would Kurt like it if he wore that? He found himself listening to his CD's and wishing he could sing it with Kurt, thinking that Kurt would sound so perfect singing that and they should definitely do it together in Glee.

Kurt was feeling… almost like water. A necessity. Like Sam couldn't breathe properly without him or couldn't know who he really was without Kurt there.

What on earth was Sam meant to do about that? He had no idea what was going on and he was slowly going crazy with not knowing what to do. He could hardly talk to Kurt about it (boy, wouldn't that be embarrassing?) or to Finn, because he probably wouldn't understand. He questioned going and talking to the guidance counselor, Emma Pillsbury, but in the end, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

After long nights of thinking it all over every night for a week after days he'd spent with Kurt, Sam would always come to the same conclusion: just ignore it and it will go away. But it just wasn't going away and Sam just couldn't ignore it.

Drastic measures needed to be made. Sam didn't know what these feelings really meant and he wasn't sure he wanted to know, at least not yet, so he had to do all he could to disconnect himself from the one person that was making them appear. The one person that made him so happy – but, no, he mustn't think about that. In the end, this was what had to be done so he could figure out what was wrong with him. Time away from Kurt was the answer, that's all.

The day after Sam made this decision, he was nervous yet determined to put his plan to the test. Usually he would arrive to school (by coincidence, he'd always told himself) at the same time as Kurt and they would end up walking to Kurt's locker, where they would chat for awhile before going to Sam's locker a little more down the hall. There, they would chat again and then they would either say good-bye or go to their class together. If they had a class together, they would always sit with each other and spend the lesson talking and helping each other out with the work.

Sam always enjoyed these mornings and class times with Kurt. But, for now, he had to give them up. So, Sam purposefully "slept in" and arrived to school late. He knew Kurt was always on time so there was no way he could bump into him. Sam took his time at his locker and walked into his first class, Spanish late. Being late was just a sacrifice he had to make.

Mr. Schue said something that Sam missed and Sam mouthed "sorry" at him before taking the very first seat he saw, which so happened to be right next to the door and a room apart from where Kurt was sitting with Finn, Rachel and Mercedes. Sam only noticed this because they usually were sitting with those three in Spanish. It wasn't because his eye subconsciously flicked towards Kurt like a magnet, ok!

Sam sat for the whole lesson with his eyes firmly stuck on Mr. Schue. A couple of times the girls at the table he'd sat at would try and talk to him, but he merely passed them little smiles and nods as he worked at distracting himself from the eyes he could feel drilling a hole in his head. He tried to sit there and do his work, but Spanish was a lot harder when you didn't have a terribly smart, and cute, guy helping…. Oh, no, he did not just think that!

When the last few minutes of the lesson approached, Sam started panicking. This was harder then he'd ever had imagined. Already, he was feeling miserable without Kurt, but he knew that he had to keep going if this was ever going to work out. As the clock ticked closer and closer to the end, his palms were sticky with sweat and his heart was galloping out of his chest. He knew if he caught one smile of Kurt's directed at him, he wouldn't be able to do this. He couldn't be close to Kurt at all. He just couldn't.

As soon as the bell rang, Sam jumped out of his seat, having already packed up his things in record speed (which was pretty good considering how hard his fingers were shaking), and he sprinted out of the door and to his next class, which he thankfully didn't have with Kurt.

He sat down in the empty classroom and he was the last one there and that was when he realised his mistake. He was five minutes early and Kurt knew where his class was because Kurt's class was just up the hall, which meant this was a perfect opportunity for Kurt to quickly come and say hello.

And sure enough, just as Sam realised this, he heard a little clearing of the throat and looked up to see Kurt standing in the door way and walking timidly towards him. Sam stared at him for a second before looking away, panicking madly. Why was it that he was so glad to see Kurt? Why was this happening to him?

"Uh…. Hi, Sam," Kurt said, clearly. "Have you forgotten about me already? Me, your new friend, Kurt?" Kurt's voice was strong, but he did sound a little upset.

Sam looked back at him and couldn't resist smiling at him. He didn't like hearing Kurt sound upset at all. But he had to keep going with his plan, so he had to act a little differently. "Oh, hey, Kurt," he said, his voice a little strangled. "Course I didn't forget you, man." He looked away again.

"Oh," Kurt said. "Then why did you ignore me in class?"

Sam shrugged, not daring himself to look at Kurt. "I was late. So, I just sat and did my work."

Kurt stared at him for a second and from the corner of his eye he saw Kurt shrug. "Oh, alright, because I thought I'd done something wrong, when as far as I can tell, I haven't."

Sam's eyes were pulled towards Kurt's like magnets again and he shook his head vigorously. "No, Kurt, you didn't do anything. I'm sorry you felt that way. I just thought I should sit there and work seeing as I was already late."

Kurt nodded and smiled. "Alright, good. Well, next time though, if you're late, come sit by me. I missed having my friend around to help out."

Sam smiled and turned away, blushing. What in the hell was wrong with him?

"See you at recess then? I'll meet you at your locker, if you like," Kurt said.

Sam nodded a little and Kurt turned around and walked off through the door in that cute way he walked – Man!

His plan really wasn't working. But he had to try to keep doing it. He had to run away from these… these feelings. They just weren't right.

But how? What could guarantee him a way to get out of seeing Kurt at recess? And with that the idea came to him in one scary stroke of"brilliance".

As soon as the bell went, Sam dashed out of the door and practically ran towards Ms. Pillsbury's office. His heart was racing (but not from the running) and he was hoping with all his might that she was there. As soon as he came in sight of her office, he saw her sitting there and she had no visitors!

He stopped at a halt at her door and knocked on the door. She called, cheerily, "come on in!"

Sam opened the door timidly and walked inside, wringing his hands and sitting down on the chair opposite her. He smiled awkwardly at her and she smiled back.

"Hello," she said, "You're Sam, right?"

Sam nodded.

"Thought so," she smiled, nodding. "And what can I help you with, Sam?"

Sam looked down and opened his mouth, but he couldn't get the words out.

Emma smiled. "It's ok, Sam. You can talk to me about anything you want. It's completely confidential and, I don't bite." She laughed a little but stopped when Sam didn't join in.

After a moment of silence, Sam looked up and mumbled, "I'm – I'm having some problems…. I don't… I don't really know… who – who I am…"

Emma smiled at him sympathetically. "You know, Sam, this isn't such a big problem. Lots of people, even adults, don't really know who they are. It can take a long time to work that out sometimes, what with all the influences everyone has on them during their life. In what way, exactly, are you having trouble in finding out who you really are?"

Sam shrugged. "I've felt like this for awhile… people were different in New York… I always felt like one of them… but I never joined them. I've always acted like the popular jock… but that doesn't feel right…"

Emma nodded her head. "I see. You have problems with peer pressure then?"

Sam shrugged. "I guess… but, it's more that – I don't want to disappoint myself. I'm not scared of what other people think – I'm just scared of who I really am – "

Emma looked at him intently, thinking. "Sam," she said, after a moment, "what you need to remember is that you are who you are. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. If you're pretending to be someone you're not and it's not making you happy, you need to be the person that you really are. What makes you the happiest?"

Sam paled and he opened his mouth to voice the one thing he was strong enough to say out loud. "Ever since I joined Glee Club, I've been feeling a little more like me."

Emma smiled and nodded vigourously. "There you go then. You already know where you fit best. All you have to do now is get used to the idea that you belong in that world, that you belong with people like Finn and Rachel and Kurt. You're on your path, Sam."

Sam smiled a little warily and nodded. "Okay, well thanks, Ms. Pillsbury… I'll keep working on it then…" He stood up to leave.

Emma spoke up, "Sam, you should never be ashamed of who you are. We all have things about ourselves that we don't like or understand, but all you need to know is learn to love everything about yourself and you'll be fine. Take Kurt, for an example. You can learn a lot from him. He's had a hard life, but he know's who he is and he's proud of being it."

Sam stared at Ms. Pillsbury for a moment. "Proud of being what?"

Ms. Pillsbury stared at Sam for a second, before spluttering, "Uh – uh – I thought you'd already know that… I mean, you and Kurt have been getting close… and I thought – "

"Thought what?"

Ms. Pillsbury swallowed. "Kurt's homosexual, Sam. And I just thought that you thought you were too – "

Sam stared at Ms. Pillsbury in shock before whipping around, opening the door and sprinting out of the door. He ran to his locker and grabbed his bag before running to the entrance and out of the door. He ran straight for his car, opened the door and jumped inside. Without thinking, he jammed his keys into the ignition. He drove out of the car park without looking back, feeling like there were stones in his stomach and his heart, and they were pounding against him to get out.