"The trick with uncle Dwalin's punishments is," Kili took a big bite out of his apple, no he was not tired of apples yet, and crunched it slowly eyeing the sorry little hobbit, "to always get it at night."
"What?"
"He lets you go to bed directly if it is night." Kili grinned. "Daytime and you have to get on with your chores as soon as you're done crying."
"That's not much help at all." Bilbo who had been hoping for a lotion recipe, sulked back into his pillow. He had refused to get up for breakfast and the apple Kili had brought him was still untouched on the table. Moving was a literal pain and he felt he could only manage the bathroom. Barely. There he had spilled more tears checking himself out in the mirror, it was horrible! Worse than Kili before and probably because Dwalin cared more about dwarfs than hobbits.
"Here's another trick. Avoid them."
"How when you don't even know they are coming!"
"Did you think yesterday that uncle Thorin was going to smack you but he didn't?"
"No. Maybe. I don't know."
"Well then next time you are confused, just know uncle Dwalin will definitely not be." He crunched another bite and swallowed before grinning. "No maybe I don't know about it."
Xxx
Ori came and set some sweets next to the apple. "The elves have a huge kitchen and loads of sugar. When you feel better we can go make some toffee for the road. Have you ever had toffee apple?"
"Candy apples only."
They compared recipes and found it to be the same thing. Also agreed that calling it candy might be nearer the mark than toffee.
Xxx
Bifur came with a real rabbit and set it next to Bilbo's pillow. Bilbo ran his hands through the soft fur while Bifur said some things in khuzdul. There was no one to translate but it didn't sound like a remonstration.
Bilbo secretly thought Bifur might have found the kitchen too and stole this one away from a pot. After a good while of letting Bilbo pet it he took the rabbit away again. Was he going to put it back or let it go free? No way to ask unless he tried miming, a too vigorous activity for his present state.
He pulled the rabbit hanky that had somehow found its way into his bed in the night from under his pillow and showed it shyly to the dwarf who seemed to get the gesture well enough if his broad smile was an indication.
Xxx
Nori came to eat one of his sweets. He just stood looking at Bilbo and when Bilbo pulled the blankets over his head he heard Nori snort.
Xxx
A gentle cough made Bilbo peek out again only to find Elrond standing next to his bed.
"Oh!" He sat up unthinking. "Oooh ow ow ow!" There was no other option but to twist to the side, off his bum as fast as he could for he could not stand the burn but neither could he lay down with his host come to….to what?
"Easy there little Bilbo. I came to check up on you only."
"Uhm?"
"Do you need help with the dwarfs?"
"What kind of help?" He looked around Elrond to find them alone but even so thought it better to tack a sir on.
"Whichever kind you need. Are you being abused. Do you need saving?"
"Oh. Oh no no no no. This was all my own fault."
"Was it? Be aware that I well know the ages of Hobbit's and was also informed by Gandalf that this was your choice. If any of that is not true then you need only tell me and apply for help."
"I...thank you. I don't need help. I mean I would like them to be less smacky but …" oh Yavanna how horrible is this conversation. "You know about our ages?"
"Yes."
"And the other elves?"
"Probably some. We don't tend to interfere if not asked, so you may relax about that if it is your fear."
"This is so embarrassing." Bilbo wished he had a hole to crawl into.
"Is it?"
"At some point they are going to find out or figure it out and then they will hate me!" This is not what he had wanted to say at all. What!?
"I suspect they might be upset but will get over it and forgive you. You appear young even despite your age, Bilbo Baggins and there is some times when physical age does not count as much as emotional and they might realise that."
Had he just been called childish?
"I tell you what. I will be informing the dwarfs that while your company reside in my house there should be no more … smackings, our delicate constitutions does not agree with violence." He smiled not unkindly. "At minimum it would give your bottom respite."
Xxx
Bombur brought him steak and kidney pie. He also plucked him out of bed, stuck a fork in his hand and told him to eat. "It does not matter to your stomach whether you sit or stand laddie."
He was right at that.
Xxx
In the end no one really said he was unfairly punished, but neither did they say the opposite. Dwalin seemed to be above reproach.
If they all knew and even Elrond then why was Thorin ignoring him? Was it a silly thing to think a king should come to sympathize at his bedside? He thought not.
When Thorin finally did come it was with Dwalin and Bilbo promptly pulled the covers over his head.
There was silence. Were they conferring on a combined attack? Bilbo slowly moved the covers away from one eye. Thorin was standing at the window looking out and Dwalin sat in the soft armchair, thoughtfully turning an apple over in his hands.
A glance to the table confirmed it. "That's my apple."
"Alright." He stretched out to put it back where he had found it and settled back into the chair. "Are you ready to come out?"
At the window Thorin turned and Bilbo quickly hid again.
Quiet.
Were they just going to sit there until he moved? He could always try to take a nap, that will show them. Let them sit for hours. He tried but it got stuffy under the sheets and he desperately needed a mouth hole. He spent a bit of time trying to make a tunnel for air without them noticing.
Still quiet. Had they left?
"Honestly," Dwalin said softly to Thorin in Khuzdul and nodded his head to the fruit and candy filled bedside table. "Look at that, all he needs is flowers." He snorted.
"Hm."
"I want Dwalin to go!" Came muffled from the bed. "I don't want to see him!"
"Change your tone, if you please Bilbo." Thorin sighed from his place. "We've come to fetch you for sparring practice. You've been in bed long enough."
Something even more muffled from the bed that was most likely swearing. Dwalin coughed a laugh and Thorin pointed him out.
"Spoiled," Dwalin said in Westron but did as told. Now if only Bilbo was as accommodating.
"How could I be spoiled if you guys smack me whenever I breathe wrong," Bilbo asked as soon as the door closed behind his cousin, one eye visible again.
"Yes, I can see where you would think that. You've been with us now little over two weeks, right? Three spankings is quite a lot for that time period." He sat down in the armchair Dwalin had just vacated. "You might consider though that the first two was in the very first two days and with that reasoning you managed to go at least ten or twelve days without any punishment, meaning you did a very good job following the rules until yesterday."
"There wasn't any rule about not jumping to someone else's pony. You saw me do it the whole time and you could have stopped me in the beginning."
"Because you weren't doing it dangerously until the last one. Up to then we weren't aware that it wasn't mindful jumps. That it was thoughtless, spoilt brat that just wanted his own way ones."
"I don't think it's fair to call me spoiled. Who spoiled me, my parents? I haven't had any for years and if it is you dwarfs then you're blaming me for your own actions."
"You are right."
"I am?"
"Yes, I apologize for saying you are spoiled and will change it to indulged."
"I don't think you can spoil someone and beat them at the same time." Bilbo still felt the need to press on.
"We can philosophize about that at some time, sure." Both eyes were visible now. "For now I came to fetch you to spar."
"It hurts too much to move."
"Walking and getting active will do you good, get the stiffness out lad."
"Have you seen it!?"
"Show me."
"No!"
"Well." Thorin sat up. "So far I've said let's go spar and you said no," he raised his hand and a finger, "now it is another no on let me see," added another finger. "I am giving you this two in sympathy for your current plight, but just because we are not actively on the road now does not mean you should start disobeying instructions, Bilbo Baggins."
"Did Elrond maybe talk to you already?"
"Elrond is not on the list of people I take orders from." It was very funny to hear the words 'less smacky' come from the Elf Lord. "Now, Bilbo."
At that Bilbo stood up in bed with all the aggression of someone in a huff and raised the back of his shirt.
"Nice." Bloody hell Dwalin!
"Nice!" Bilbo twisted around.
"Bilbo. Your action nearly caused our deaths. It is as simple as that. Every stripe on your legs is Dwalin telling you you scared him greatly."
"He hit my hands too…" Bilbo held them out palm up. Of all they were the least tender and you probably had to know his hands very well to even notice the swelling. He also did not know why he wanted all slights accounted for. Sometime his mouth did not ask his opinion.
Thorin surprised him by standing up and coming to inspect each one in turn.
Xxxx
"Oin!" Thorin snapped. "Go put some of your bruise balm on Bilbo. Dwalin! Go with him and see that the hobbit complied."
It was never a request. Dwalin stood up, leaving his mending and followed Oin to Bilbo's room. They picked up the balm on the way, foul smelling stuff that cut bruise time in half and pulled the pain too. They've all used it after battles and more.
Bilbo on seeing the enforcer with Oin and hearing that the activity was directed by His Highness Thorin himself, stuck his face in a pillow and let them at it.
His bottom was a swollen mass of blue and Oin sighed in his beard. He explained the ointment to Bilbo before dropping dollops of it on the tortured skin and spreading it about with his fingertips. Soft as he was trying to be it was still too much, Bilbo moaned on first contact and called ow! ow! ow! into the pillow on the rest. Dwalin, standing aside saw what the king wanted him to.
"I apologize, Bilbo. Seems I have been very hard on your bottom."
"What?" Bilbo turned his tomato red face out of the pillow to gape at him in shock.
"You are well within your right to complain lad, that must be extremely sore. I am sorry, I was too harsh."
"I didn't complain!" Bilbo called, taking offense where he should have been gloating at the dwarf brought low. "Who said I complained?"
"No one said you did, laddie." Oin interrupted them. "I am done, stay a bit like this so the ointment won't rub off." He set the rest of the balm on the small table with instructions to repeat when he felt sore again before leaving with a glare to Dwalin. This was not a horrible spanking considering the offense but it was to a tiny hobbit and Oin as a healer was against causing harm.
"No one said you complained, I meant you are within your rights to do so if you wished."
"You … Thorin doesn't leave any marks."
"Thorin is much too soft."
"You just said you were too hard!"
"One does not preclude the other. You do not have to accept my apology, Bilbo Baggins but I am not going to keep apologizing. What I will do to make up for this harsh beating is count this as a double punishment, you can tell the next person that wants to smack you that I said not to bother for you are one ahead."
"What do you mean the next person, are you all going to smack me!? You can't — they can't…!" Bilbo promptly burst into tears, wailing: "I don't want to be smacked by everyone!"
Which was fair. Dwarfs tended to keep an eye on each other's children as a community but they did not go about punishing one that's not their own. Dwalin had acted as second in command more than anything else but Bilbo did not fall into anyone's family so lines were unclear and another might do the same as the adult authority.
He patted and pacified the upset hobbit that he will have a meeting and make sure that all incidents would be referred to himself or Thorin.
"Only Thorin."
"No."
Xxxx
With both Thorin and Dwalin having apologized to him, the ointment doing a wonderful job of taking the ache away (that he had thought was there for life), he at last ventured out of the room.
The day outside was sunny but a cool breeze flowed through the valley, ruffling his curls and Bilbo did not feel unhappy. Around him dwarfs and elves were mingling, discussing swords and bows and the best way small groups such as theirs should defend and attack, all thankfully in the common language and very interesting.
Delicate constitutions indeed. Bilbo watched an elf demonstrate the proper way to chop a taller person's head off to Bofur. He wondered idly when or where the elf had found someone taller than him to learn that particular skill.
He found Ori sitting on a bench the most calm and settled next to him but the ointment wasn't magic and he quickly got up to lean into his side instead. Ori leaned companionably back into him and continued to write down what he heard, interspersing it with fast mini sketches of fighting scenes. Bilbo loved everything writing and exclaimed his awe of Ori's prowess easily. His own writing was spidery at best no matter how he practiced.
He was not left in peace for long though. Someone had brought his little wooden sword and Dwalin came to fetch him with it.
"It still chafes if I walk, Dwalin, can I not be excused?"
"No laddie. You will thank me later I am sure. Fights are no game, there will be lots of aches and pains that you must push through, sometimes it feels your arms will fall off even so you can get a little practice in today on how to overcome discomfort."
"Bilbo." Ori interrupted and held the parchment he was busy with up for his private perusal. It clearly depicted what was a hobbit impaling a wooden sword into a dwarf's eye. There was no colour but the blood and gore showed in harsh splotches and the bearded face looked suspiciously like Dwalin's. "Go have some fun."
It was fun. No one expected him to be proficient and he was not scolded for anything.
Despite Dwalin's declaration, dwarfs and elves alike simply paused to chat about moves when ever he reached back to hold an aching bum (He tried to minimize that embarrassment but even his softest pants pulled and tugged with the movement against the abused skin and today his hands were in partnership with his mouth). Then they would get on with it as natural as you please and not once anyone made an unkind comment to Bilbo.
It appeared the word of the day was teamwork and he was taught how to fight alongside someone and use his size to advantage, stabbing low while they fought above his head. (He feared certain decapitation if ever they fought a real enemy.)
His job was being a pest, Kili laughed when they had a turn together. A little wasp, distracting the enemy before the bear ate them. He accidentally stabbed Kili in the thigh making him roar like a real bear and for his trouble got bumped in turn from behind. Thorin instantly pulled Kili away by the ear at Bilbo's loud 'ow!' and took his place.
