Disclaimer" I don't own twilight or any of the characters blah, blah, blah. We've done this dance.
A/N: I know it's a little late and short, but it's a transition chapter for other things I have planned.
It was a strangely warm and sunny day in La Push which was a nice break from the gloomy clouds that generally overtook the reservation. It seemed the weather had decided to mirror the ambiance for the day because today, after two weeks of non-stop practicing control, Leah could finally hold her son.
Even though she definitely had authority over her anger, Leah wasn't in the clear completely to get back to her duties as a mother, so here they were today, out in an open space in the middle of the woods, Sue holding Daniel on one side, Jacob, Seth and Leah on the other. Leah, with a lustrous smile on her face, took cautious steps toward her son. She was one hundred percent sure she wouldn't do anything to hurt her son based off the mother child bond alone, but Sam had been just as sure he wouldn't hurt his imprint, so she took that story with a grain of salt and was very careful with the most important thing in her life.
For these past two weeks Leah had been forced to watch her son from afar; Sue had been taking Daniel to an open space just like they were and stand a safe distance so Leah could at least have some moments with her son while she was too dangerous to get any closer. Not only did she have to endure this but she also had to listen to her sons cries every night from right outside her window. Her heart broke every night, but at least it was better than absolutely no contact at all.
Leah made it to her mother and before any words could be said she gently grabbed her son from her mother's arms. With her new added strength, she had to relearn how to handle things gentler like a toddler being taught how to handle a hamster. The fear of breaking her son now was tens times greater than when he was first born and the nurse handed him to her.
With her son safely secured in the crook of her arm, she took note of the changes in her son since she last got to do this. He was obviously getting longer, but he looked like he was getting a bit chubbier. She didn't know if it was because he was growing or because he had been switched to baby formula. She suppose her mother was lucky that she hadn't had to have been the one to cut Daniel off cold turkey from breast milk because before, when she thought she was getting sick, she had been using the formula to prevent him from catching what she had, and boy did he not take that change well. Daniel from the time he was born had always been really vocal about things he disliked and the fit he threw when switch to formula was the most ear-splitting one she had experienced to date, which includes the one he had when he was shoved out of her body though a canal that was smaller than he would have liked.
Daniel looked up at his mother and automatically smiled and brought his little hands up to touch her face. Leah was joyous at his recognition; the worst part of this separation from her son was the fear that his tiny baby mind would forget his own mother and that fear had just now been sedated. She drew him in closer to her face and kissed his forehead, then both of his cheeks, his little nose, his tiny fists, his tummy; she kissed every part of him she could reach. She took in his smell which she had only been faintly been able to do with him at a distance, but now he was close up and she could commit the smell to memory again.
As she held her son close to her she thought no woman should ever have to be separated from the their child like this, but of course circumstance had always been out of her favor and she had to learn to adapt. If life's cruelty had taught her anything it's that she always perseveres and though things may suck right now, there's an actual chance that things will get better, provided that she survives this impending war.
Leah looked up from her son to the people standing around waiting for her to slip up. She was now definitely sure that as long as her son was in her arms she wouldn't hurt anybody, including Emily, so her son was as safe as ever if not more now that she can protect him against all threats. She smiled at her mom and nodded her head and then turned to the most anxious of the bunch to reassure him.
"Jacob, it's fine, I'm not going to hurt him." Though she was quite annoyed with his lack of faith in her, she still spoke with a smile on her face and tried to convey with her eyes how confident she was that everybody was safe.
Jacob took in Leah's body language and saw she was nowhere near any kind of outburst and just nodded in response. They all took off out of the woods towards the Clearwater home, so Leah could spend real quality time with her son uninterrupted. Once they made to the house Sue and Seth went to the car and drove off to the Blacks and left Leah and Jacob. Jacob stayed outside incase anything was to go wrong. Leah just went into the house too enraptured in her son to even care where everyone else was.
Leah went upstairs to her room and sat in the rocking chair they had put in the corner and sat Daniel in her lap to rememorize every detail of her little man. It had been way too long since she'd been able to just look at her son, see him smile, watch him wiggle his arms and legs. She kind of hoped he'd have one of his temper tantrums so she could be his mother again and soothe him. After about an hour, she got her wish. Daniel's hunger broke the peaceful atmosphere that the room had had since she sat down and she now had to be mom again and feed him. She first got his pacifier and placed it in his mouth to sate his cries until she could make him a bottle.
One of the things that really sucked being a wolf was that she couldn't produce breast milk anymore; she couldn't nourish her child anymore and it especially sucked knowing that the one thing he needed her for she could no longer provide. It broke her heart having to make the formula knowing she couldn't just put him back on her milk. The worst part of this whole mess was no one could tell her why she couldn't do her motherly duty. There had never been a female wolf before her, so everything was trial and error. And it's not like she could bring it up with the guys, they were more squeamish talking about her breast milk than they were with talking about their parent's sex lives. The only ones who had slightly understood were Jacob and Embry, but all they gave her was sympathy with no answers, so she was basically screwed.
Once the bottle was ready she replaced the pacifier with it and her immediately started suckling as though it'd be his last meal. It surprised her that something as simple as watching her son eat could bring her out of any mood. He truly was a miracle because before him she'd have been in a pissy depressed mood well until the end of time. Once he finished eating, he promptly went to sleep and gave Leah another thing to observe, his breathing.
Leah watched her son sleep for four whole hours, a record for a nap with him, and was entranced with every one of them. She wondered how imprinting even compared to the bond she had with her child because if it was truly the strongest how could Sam have hurt Emily. Just one moment with Daniel and she couldn't imagine ever being infuriated enough to phase. According to the stories she heard as a kid, imprints were supposed to be their other half and sate the wolf, meaning Sam's mistake should have never happened. Also his actions proved, in her eyes, that there were bonds stronger than an imprint because the bond she feels as mother and child feels ten times greater than anything she's ever picked up from Sam or any of the other imprinted wolves. There's also the issue of Jacob's bond with Bella, the others try to diminish it because he didn't imprint, but from what she felt inside his mind, it was just as strong, if not stronger, than that of an imprint. In Leah's eyes, his love for her was more valid because he chose her; Bella may be an idiot and not have chosen him, but Leah can't fault her for choosing what she wants; though she can fault her for many other things such as endangering her life and the lives of others only to turn around and selfishly end her life and make her sacrifices worthless. Leah wondered if Bella truly saw the repercussions of the decision she's about to make; highly doubted it, she always seemed a little too single minded to think everything through.
Leah's thoughts were interrupted by her mother trying to quietly enter the room. With Leah's new enhanced hearing that task was impossible. Sue looked down at her daughter who was sitting on the floor with her head leaned against the crib near her son's head, and gave her a sad smile. Leah knew what that smile meant, it was time to leave. She felt the tears automatically blur her vision and her throat close up. She had to leave her son, once again, except this time it had to be on purpose. She understood their reasoning for only letting her visit until they were completely sure she was under control, but they didn't understand how much pain it caused emotionally and physically to do it. For some reason they couldn't understand how impossible it was for her to hurt her own child, but Sam's incident with Emily seem to be the ruling example of the dangers of being around a wolf and she was now ordered by the elders to stay away. Her mother even ruled for this and it beyond pissed her off; she thought her of all people would understand, but she didn't. She had opted for a complete lack of faith in her daughter.
Leah got up off the floor and bent down to gently kiss her son and then left the room without a word. When she encountered Jacob outside her backyard she was sobbing silently with unwiped tear streaks running down her face. She wanted to give into her wolf and phase, but that wasn't a safe place for her especially when she's this vulnerable. She just walked past Jacob and then headed for the cliffs. They always had a calming effect on her; no matter what her problems were she could go to the cliffs and watch the chaos of the currents. They reminded her that no matter how rough life got, it could always get worse so count your blessings where they came and today had most indefinitely been a blessing.
When she made it to the cliffs she sat on her rock and let the current do its job. It wasn't particularly chaotic today with the weather, but it was still vast and endless and could be easily stirred. She never quite understood why she identified with the current the way she did, the things she saw in it weren't the same as everybody else's. Most people saw the vastness of the ocean and thought of opportunity, but she saw all the things that could be jumbled in to a mess that was now her life. Of all the places she imagined herself, shapeshifting werewolf who is also a single mother who has to share a mind with her ex was never on her radar and coping with this has been the toughest thing she's ever had to do, which includes dealing Sam breaking her heart.
She heard footsteps approaching from five miles away and already knew who it was, Jacob. He was annoying as hell but she was thankful for him. Instead of having to deal with Sam every waking moment, Jacob had stepped up and "volunteered" to deal with her. If any news or orders needed to be conveyed to her, Jacob was the one who gave it. They realized she'd be more compliant and Sam would have to use the alpha order less if they did it this way. She kind of wished Jacob would step up as alpha and she wouldn't have to deal with Sam's orders at all, but she knew that was real wishful thinking. Jacob was dead set on not having the job, and plus, even if he did, she'd still have to hear Sam's thoughts, especially those involving her backstabbing cousin.
Jacob had finally made it to her and sat down on the ground near the rock she was sitting on. He took a deep breath and then spoke. "I'm sorry"
Leah gave a humorless snort in response. She knew he was being sincere, but it didn't help her any. He had just given her the empty response that's used to cover up the words he meant, I pity you.
"Black, I don't take pity well, so I suggest this be the last time you utter those words to me."
Jacob just nods in response thankful that was the end of it and she didn't lash out at him. They're both silent staring out at the endless abyss wishing they could just throw their troubles into it and have that be the end of it. BUt they were both realistic enough to know solving their problems is going to take a lot of heartache and pain before they're even close to being solved. They sit there for a long time in a sort of camaraderie that stems from the pain and rejection only they know.
It's completely dark out when Jacob decides to end the silence. "Come on Leah, Sam wants the pack to have a meeting together before we meet with the Cullen's in the clearing."
Leah groans in response, she hates the idea of teaming up with the cause of her current problems, but when battling an army of vampires, it takes one to know one, and she'd like to win this battle, so that her becoming this awful creature has at least some purpose. Jacob and Leah get up and head towards Sam's, or as Leah knows it, Hell.
A/N: Kind of a disclaimer but mostly a way to avoid giving any false hope. This is not going have Blackwater at any point, I have no problem with the pairing in general, I just would love Leah to be someone's first choice and with Jacob that's never going to happen.
