Seven

"On comes the panic light, holding on with fingers and feelings alike."

- 'Other Side of the World' by KT Tunstall

.

"Have you ever been here before, John?" Nikki asked the next morning as they walked into London Zoo, having just spent a lifetime queuing for tickets. They were buying in advance next time, Harry had decided.

John shook his head, anticipation shining in his blue eyes. "Have they got giraffes? And penguins? And rhi – rhinok – rhinoceroses," he asked eagerly, struggling slightly over the last word.

Laughing, Harry unfolded the map he had been given by the acne-ridden teenager who had sold them their tickets. "It looks like the aquarium is nearest, let's make that our first stop," he told them.

Reluctant to admit it though he was, Harry had a very enjoyable morning. John was entranced by the explosion of colour in the tropical fish tank in the aquarium, and practically begged Harry to let him get a piranha as a pet. Nikki walked around the reptile house clutching Harry's arm, giving the particularly large snakes a wide berth. They walked around the different monkey enclosures and laughed at how one of the gorillas scratching its head bore a remarkable resemblance to Leo. The three of them then admired some spectacular birds, from graceful eagles to scavenging vultures. By the time they flopped onto a bench on the picnic lawn, they were exhausted.

Extracting their packed lunches from his rucksack, Harry passed them around and eagerly ripped into his own packet of sandwiches.

"Will you slow down?" Nikki tutted as he took his third huge bite.

"'m'ungry," he said through a mouthful of food.

Throwing him a disgusted look, Nikki said, "You're revolting. You'll only get indigestion. Besides, you're setting a bad example."

Swallowing hard, Harry pulled a face behind Nikki's back, causing John to giggle.

They ate lunch happily, enjoying the warm sun and debating on where to go next. The general consensus was that 'Penguin Beach' should be the next port of call, although Nikki was adamant that afterwards they had to go to 'Butterfly Paradise'.

When John had noisily slurped every last drop of juice from his carton, he gestured to the large playground they were sitting in front of and said, "Can I go and play?"

"Of course you can. We'll come and get you in a few minutes."

He ran off and Harry watched him go, a smile on his face. Beside him, Nikki laughed slightly and said, "You wouldn't think that his mother had just died, would you?"

Harry's face fell. "He may look fine, but he's not. Look under the table."

Her brows furrowed in confusion, but Nikki did as she was told and glanced under the bench. A gasp escaped her and she straightened up again, looking at Harry concernedly. "He didn't eat any of his lunch?" she said worriedly.

"Oh, he ate some. He had to make it look convincing," he told her. He'd spotted John dropping bits of food onto the floor as soon as they'd begun to eat.

"What about breakfast? He'll get ill if he hasn't eaten all day."

Shaking his head, Harry said, "No, he ate his Weetos this morning. He couldn't not, with me sat right opposite him."

Nikki bit her lip anxiously. "You should talk to him."

"I have talked to him! I've done nothing but talk to him! He doesn't seem to want to talk to me."

Looking directly at him, Nikki said, "There is no one he trusts more than you at the moment, Harry. That's why you've got temporary custody of him. You're all he's got now. Perhaps you have to confront the issue, rather than trying to bury it under dens and days out."

"Don't you think that's what I've been trying to do?" he growled angrily. Nikki gave him a look that clearly said she wasn't about to get into an argument, so he sighed and added quietly, "It's just ... it's difficult, that's all."

"I know," she replied simply.

They sat in silence for a little while, Harry busying himself with putting all of their rubbish in a carrier bag ready to throw away once they got up.

"We should do this more often," Nikki said eventually.

"Not at what it bloody cost to get in, we're not," Harry replied dryly.

She giggled. "I said I would buy my own ticket!"

He brushed away her remark. "Don't be stupid. You can buy the ice creams later."

Smiling, she said, "Deal."

"Good. Right, I suppose we should get John."

The six-year-old absolutely adored the penguins, as Harry knew he would. He darted around the enclosure, trying to look at the birds from every angle, a happy grin on his face.

"They stink," Harry muttered, crinkling his nose as he and Nikki followed after John.

"They're penguins, what did you expect? Their diet is nothing but foul-smelling fish," Nikki remarked, rolling her eyes at Harry. "They are rather cute though. They remind me of you when you wear a tux."

Shooting her a sideways glance, Harry said, "You think I'm cute when I'm wearing my tuxedo?"

"I did not say that," she replied smoothly, although he didn't fail to notice the faint flush in her cheeks. "I merely suggested that you looked like a penguin."

Grinning, he said, "Oh, you just wait until we reach the hippos. It will be like looking in a mirror for you."

She slapped his arm playfully, but their banter was cut short when John came running back to them, nearly colliding with Harry's legs.

"Steady on, little man," he laughed. "Where's the fire?"

"I've found a penguin sitting on a fishy!" John exclaimed, his expression gleeful. "You have to come see!"

Forcing his way in between Harry and Nikki, he took one of their hands in each of his own and dragged them further around the enclosure. When John stopped he peered over the fence expectantly, but his face quickly fell as he said, "Ohhhh, it's gone now. But look, there's the fish! Urgh, I think the penguin pooed on it!" And he laughed as only a six-year-old boy could at such an occurrence.

Next they did indeed go to the butterfly house, where Nikki spent the whole time oohing and ahhing as if she were at a firework display, whilst giving them a continuous lecture about the different species, colour varieties and other equally tedious subjects that Harry zoned out of after a while.

When they were finally free they walked past the bright pink flamingos until they reached the bug house. John was equally fascinated and yet terrified by the range of creepy crawlies and was determined to look in every tank – that was until they overheard a zookeeper retelling a story of how a tarantula once escaped, and all three of them made a hasty exit.

The animals that Harry most enjoyed were the big cats. Their size took his breath away slightly, especially when the tiger stalked past and growled menacingly, displaying its rather fearsome teeth. The lions were more laidback in their enclosure, basking in the sun and occasionally twitching an ear.

A living rainforest exhibit grabbed their attention mid-afternoon, and they emerged after half an hour inside with John declaring that as soon as he was bigger he was going to live in the Amazon, and Harry declaring it was time Nikki bought them all that ice cream. After taking a quick look at the otters (whose smell rivalled that of the penguins), meerkats (who left John and Nikki in peals of giggles at their trademark yo-yoing of sitting up straight) and lemurs (who wouldn't stay still long enough to get a proper look at them), Nikki did indeed order three ice creams. They happily slurped them as they headed to the only corner of the zoo that they hadn't visited yet: the 'Africa' section.

Once again, this allowed Nikki to show off her supposedly vastly superior knowledge, this time on African animals, but rather than finding her boring, Harry and John were transfixed on her tales of how she and her parents were once harassed on a camping trip in the middle of the night by hyenas, and how they'd woken up the very next morning to see giraffes just a few metres away. It was nice, Harry considered, to hear her telling John these stories so happily, when he was used to tears and sadness accompanying tales of her past. He could still see the hint of regret and longing in her eyes, but the smile on her face more than cancelled it out.

It wasn't until just gone seven that they finally arrived back at Harry's apartment that evening, after being stuck in London rush hour traffic. John had fallen asleep in the car, his brand new toy penguin tucked under one arm and his small plastic piranha clutched in his hand. Harry had carried him inside and tucked him into bed, much as he had done the previous evening. When he emerged from the bedroom and back into the lounge, he could see Nikki waiting for him, ready to leave.

"Don't you want to stay for a glass of wine?" he asked her.

"I shouldn't," she replied, shaking her head. "I'm exhausted and I have to be up early for work tomorrow."

Harry grinned. "Ah yes. I forgot that you still had to work for a living."

"As do you," she retorted. "You're basically on paternity leave, Harry; you've not won the lottery and become a millionaire."

"Paternity leave?" he repeated with a laugh. "That sounds odd. Like I've got a wife somewhere who's just popped out a baby."

Nikki smiled tiredly. Walking towards him, she wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders and hugged him. "I had a brilliant day," she muttered.

"Me too," he smiled. "You were right, we will have to do it again."

"I'm always right," she said as she pulled away.

"No you're not," he countered jokily as she headed towards the front door.

"Harry?" she asked suddenly, turning around just before she reached it.

"Mm?"

Her eyes shining with uncertainty, she said, "You haven't forgotten that this whole thing with John is only temporary, have you?"

"What?"

"Well, it's just that you're talking about doing things again, and I know how much you love him. I would hate to see you get hurt..."

"What are you talking about?" he said brashly, but somehow he found that he was unable to meet her eyes. "Why on earth would I get hurt?"

"When they take John away," she said gently. "When Jane Campbell finds him a permanent pair of adoptive parents."

"Yeah, but that might be miles down the road yet," he pointed out, attempting to sound indifferent.

"It's still going to happen eventually. Besides, you can't stay off work forever. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of-"

"Yes, well I'm very aware, thank you," he said sharply, feeling his temper rising. It wasn't anger at Nikki, but fear of what she was saying.

"Don't, Harry. Don't shout at me," she said placatingly, one hand on the door latch now. "But perhaps it would be better to speak to Jane and see how her search is going. I mean, I love John to bits too, but it will only be harder for everybody the longer he stays."

And she left, letting the door close gently behind her. Harry sank onto the sofa and put his head in his hands. She was right. As she said, she was always bloody right. But the idea of John not being in his life anymore terrified him, as much as he was sure it must terrify John. Permanent adoption was out of the question, he had his job with its unpredictable hours and exhausting cases. Not only that, but there was no way he was cut out to be a father, however nice it was at the moment to have John around. Which only left him with one question:

What the hell was he going to do?


I don't think I've written this chapter particularly well, but hey ho.

Also, it's basically 2000 words of promotion for London Zoo. ;)

Let me know what you think!

Charlotte
xxx