Seven
Michael
They'd decided to eat in the living room, as the small kitchen really wasn't convenient.
Michael sat in his armchair, stabbing at his baked potato. There really wasn't much to be said.
What could he say? Justin's mere presence made him feel something he shouldn't. Everytime the boy looked at him it deepened that feeling.
"Its really good Michael," Justin complimented him.
"Thanks," Michael replied. "I'm glad you came over."
He really was glad. Anxious, but still glad. Justin gave him a smile.
"I like spending time with you."
That smile, those eyes, and that voice went right to him. Michael had to tell himself that Justin didn't mean it that way.
"What are you thinking?" Justin asked with a questioning look. "You look nervous."
"I'm fine."
It was a lie. Michael knew it.
"You don't look fine," the younger man went on.
Michael didn't answer. He swallowed a little. Justin set his plate aside and stood up.
"Michael?"
"Really Sunshine, I'm fine okay? Just a bit of indigestion."
Justin seemed to buy it, sitting back down. They went back to finishing their meal in silence.
After that they watched a little TV, but Michael didn't move to the couch to sit by Justin. He wasn't sure he could be that close without stepping out of line.
Michael could tell the younger man sensed his anxiety, and maybe even wanted to say something, but he respected his wishes.
"I think I should go," Justin said finally, standing up and stretching.
Michael watched the white t-shirt stretch, getting a nice eyeful of Justin's stomach and treasure trail.
"You're sure you'll be fine?" Justin asked.
"I'm sure," Michael replied, managing a smile. "Goodnight Sunshine."
"Night."
Michael watched the younger man leave, his thoughts shooting in a hundred directions immediately.
Should he stop hanging out with Justin like this? Did they need time apart? No that wasn't what he actually wanted.
He tried to figure out what exactly he did want, but his brain kept returning to only one answer. Justin.
That's what he wanted, to run his hands down those arms, feel that toned stomach beneath his fingers, claim those inviting lips.
He hardly realized his gaze was still on the front door until it opened again, and Hunter nearly made him jump out of his skin.
"You okay?" the boy asked him.
"Yeah great. How was ma?"
"She was fine," Hunter said, rocking a sleeping JR in his arms. "You should really go see her. She's starting to think you don't like her anymore or something."
Michael felt guilt at the words. That was the last thing he'd ever want his mother to think. She'd always been there for him and supported him, even if she was overbearing sometimes.
"You're right," he told Hunter. "I'll go see her tomorrow."
Justin wasn't foremost in Michael's mind now. He couldn't shake his mother's face from his mind's eye. What kind of selfish son was he?
He'd resolved not to isolate her like this more times than he could count, yet here he was doing it again. She was the last person in his life who deserved it.
"You're not okay Michael," Hunter spoke suddenly. "I've noticed. You were funny around Justin tonight too."
"What do you mean?" Michael asked, voice a little nervous.
"Oh come on," Hunter snorted. "I gave you two time alone because I thought one of you would have the guts to sort things out."
Michael laughed a little, reminding himself that he and Justin were only friends.
"What exactly are we sorting out Hunter?"
"You know what," Hunter told him. "The fact that you have feelings for him."
"Now Hunter, that's a little silly."
"Is it?" Hunter asked. "I see the way you look at him."
Michael's face fell a little.
"He reminds me of Brian okay?"
"Well that's okay," Hunter assured him. "Just don't use Brian as your reason not to explore anything you might feel. You know he wouldn't want that."
Michael knew Hunter was right. Brian would probably tell him to go after what he wanted, even if it was Justin. To stop beating around the bush and do something about it.
Michael wasn't ready. Maybe that was something his mother could advise him about. Could he really tell her the feelings he was having for Justin though?
He knew she'd probably tell him this was a bad idea, as though he could help it. He'd tried fighting it, but so far it was doing no good. It almost felt like more than just feelings.
ooOoo
Michael got himself up at 7:30 the next morning. His resolve to visit his mom was as strong as ever. He recalled what Hunter had said, that she was starting to think he didn't care.
He put on the pair of jeans from last night, and threw a yellow t-shirt over it. After freshening up in front of the bathroom mirror he was ready.
He was about to face his mother. It was now or never.
ooOoo
It was a short walk from the bus stop to his childhood home. He could probably have walked it blindfolded. Sometimes he missed being here, in the old neighborhood, in his old house.
He didn't have to walk to the door. His mom was coming up the drive with a letter in hand to mail off. Her eyes caught him, expression becoming livid.
"I'm sorry ma," Michael said. "I can explain."
"Yeah I'm sure," she snorted. "Give me some lame excuse for why you don't have time to come visit your old mother."
"Ma I really am sorry," Michael insisted.
Her expression softed a little at the repentant look on his face.
"Aw hell," she muttered softly. "I can't stay mad at you, ya little shit."
He smiled a little and stepped forward, hugging her close. He really was glad to see her.
"Well have you eaten?" she asked him.
"You don't have to ma."
"Oh stop Michael," she said with a grin. "You're the one person I'd always want to cook for."
He followed her into the familiar house, every inch a shadow of his past life. Being here also made him think of Brian.
"Guess Carl's already gone to work huh?" he asked.
"Yeah he goes in early these days," she replied. "He still won't let me take back my old job at the diner. I miss it sometimes."
"I'd rather you didn't honestly," Michael admitted. "You know I worried about you going to work there everyday."
"I know you did," she nodded. "And you're right. Carl's right. I should take it easy after all these years I suppose. I worked hard raising you, taking care of Vic. I miss him so much sometimes Michael."
Michael nodded, understanding completely. Hardly a day went by he didn't think of his uncle. Uncle Vic had always been good to him.
"Well come on," she said. "Let's eat."
Soon she was doing what she loved best. Michael watched her flip the pancake cooking away in the hot grease.
"I know how you love your flap jacks Michael," she smiled at him.
"Thank you," he smiled back. "I want you to know I do care. You're my mom."
Her smile widened and her eyes became a little watery.
"That's all I wanted to hear Michael. I have Carl now, but you'll always be my heart, ya know? You were all I had for years. You and Vic."
Michael still couldn't help feeling he wasn't entirely absolved of his guilt, but it wouldn't do any good to brood over it now. He resolved to see her more in the future.
"I wanted to talk to you about something," he said suddenly.
"Sure honey. Shoot."
"What would you say if I said I think I might like someone?"
She eyed him a little concernedly.
"Are you sure Michael? Really sure?"
"Yeah," he whispered.
She remained silent, biting at her bottom lip a little.
"I'd say you should be absolutely sure," she said finally. "You loved Brian for all these years. We both know you did. I mean you loved Ben too, but even Brian saw the way you still looked at him I think."
"I always wanted it to be him ma," Michael said sadly. "Then one day I had to wake up and realize he just didn't return my feelings."
"Or maybe he did," she countered. "He just didn't know how to show it."
"I think he loved Justin."
She actually nodded at that thougtfully, removing the last pancake from the grease.
"I think Brian loved Justin too. Not like he did you though Michael. That's not to say he loved one of you more or less. It was different for each of you. Love always is."
Michael nodded and accepted his plate from her, knowing by heart where the syrup was. Here they were, eating together at the small table, just like when he was younger.
"Who's this person you have feelings for anyway?" Deb asked.
"You sure you want to know?"
"Now what kind of question is that! Of course I do."
"Trust me," Michael told her. "I'm not sure you do."
"Is it someone I know?" she asked. "Ted?"
Michael looked at her like she was crazy.
"Christ no!"
Deb laughed a little.
"Alright, just teasin. Emmett?"
"Really ma," Michael snorted.
"Well who's that leave? You're not gonna tell me its Justin."
Michael remained silent, expression saying he was caught.
"Michael Charles Novotny! Your silence better mean something else. You do not like Justin."
"Maybe I do," Michael shrugged.
"Michael he's so young. You said it yourself when you used to get onto Brian for leading him on."
"Because Brian was leading him on," he pointed out. "I don't really know. We've been spending a lot of time together. At first I thought it was just friends. Except we keep seeing each other. Its almost every day."
Debbie shook her head in slight disbelief.
"Michael honey, I'm sure that's all it is. Justin can't. I just can't see... "
"You're right ma."
He left it at that. Really what had he expected from her? Brian was right. Michael would have to handle things himself. If he wanted something take it.
Maybe it was time for him to start going after what he wanted in life. Brian wouldn't want him to mourn him forever, or Justin either for that matter.
That's all they'd both been doing, hanging onto Brian's memory and clinging to each other like two lost children in the dark. Time to turn on the light, to lay everything out in the open.
The ball would be in Justin's court after that. Michael needed to figure out how to do this carefully. He was willing to take a chance.
Was Justin willing to take a chance on him?
