WaFfLe TiMe WiTh LiLaM PrEsEnTs: Lilam's First Quest


It was Lilam's first visit to Coldridge Valley, as well as the first town she had came across in her first day as a warrior. Needless to say, the eager, young gnome was practically bursting with excitement and ready to undertake any task that would require her newfound warrior skills. Or, lack thereof. A rickety, weather worn wagon came into view, and Lilam headed for it cheerfully, wondering if her "expertise" could be put to use there.

Lilam approached the first Dwarf she saw, flashing deep gnomish dimples with a charming smile. "Salutations! My name is Lilam Firesparks, soon to be great gnome warrior! And I--" The gnome stopped mid sentence, staring at the Dwarf with large, emerald orbs.

"What's on yer mind?", the Dwarf inquired, donning a quizzical expression.

"What... is that gold pointy thing on top of your head?!"

Confused, the Dwarf ran a meaty hand through his coarse mane. Feeling nothing, he glanced up above him. Nothing. "Yer aff yer heid, gnome. T'aint nothin' thur."

Lilam blinked. "I have no idea what you just said. Are you speaking Common? 'Cause I don't know Dwarvish...or gibberish. Only gibbers speak gibberish. Can. You. Under. Stand. What. I. AM. Say. Ing?"

The Dwarf raised a bushy eyebrow, tugging at his beard in apparent incomprehension. "Aye lass, I unnerstan. An' I be speakin' Common, not in me own tongue 'er gibberish. Ya' haven't been dippin' intah tha ale, now 'ave ya' lass?"

The gnome shook her head furiously, pointing at the odd, exclamation point shaped light hovering above the man's head. "But it's right there! I see it with my own two gnomey eyes! Are... are you an angel? Grant me a wish! I mean... grant me a wish... or three, please."

"Lass, Ah really dun be knowin' what yer talkin' a'bowt."

Lilam suddenly gasped, struck by a sudden realization. "OH MY SPROCKETS! Is it a tumor? Or maybe some brain sucking leech creature? IS IT CONTAGIOUS?"

Other people nearby began to steal strange glances at the pair, wondering what all the commotion was about. The Dwarf knelt down, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Now calm down, lass..."

"DID YOU JUST TOUCH ME?! Eeeee!"

Clamping a hand over the gnome's mouth, the Dwarf sighed, shutting his eyes briefly before finding the strength within him to refrain from letting out a string of colorful phrases directed towards the clearly insane child.

"Listen, since ya' seem tah 'ave so much energy, Ah c'in put it tah good yoose. 'ow a'bowt ya' go an' keel some 'a those wolves over thar, an' bring me eight pieces 'a tough wolf meat. Then Ah'll give ya' a per 'a gloves tah keep yer finger on yer hand. 'ows abow't that, eh?"

Lilam nodded slowly, still eyeing the Dwarf suspiciously. "Alright, I can do that, no problem!"

Rising, the Dwarf reached out to pat her on head, but thought better of it. "Then off wit ya', lass. An' when yer done wit that, jus' come back tah me. My name be Sten. Sten Stoutarm."

The young warrior saluted sloppily. "Okay, Stenny, be right back!" She then made a wild dash into a randomly selected direction. Sten sighed, this time in relief. It would be a long while before she came back to disturb his tranquility once more.

Or so he thought. A moment later, there was a tugging on his beard, with the quirky gnome being the culprit. " When ya' says yer gonna' be roight back, ya' means it, dun't ya lass?"

"I just realized...I don't know which way to go. I looked over there, and over there and even all the way over there, but didn't find any wolf meat! Where do I hafta' go?" Lilam was dancing on her feet, eager to head out and get started on this seemingly simple quest.

Boggling at the gnome, Sten slowly lifted a hand and pointed directly across from them. "Lass...thur be wolves roight over thar. Roight in front 'a ya'."

Lilam glanced at the location he was pointing to, raising a hand to softly bonk herself on the forehead. "Oh, well I didn't look there. It was too obvious. You would think they'd be a little more... sneaky. But I guess that's only bears, huh? Okay, I'll be right back!"

She dashed off again, leaving the Dwarf to shake his head in a mixture of awe and annoyance. He needed an ale, and he needed one bad. After awhile, Lilam returned wearing a grin stretching from ear to ear.

"Ya' finally finish, lass? Let me take tha--" The man stopped mid-sentence, taking a closer look at what the gnome was carrying.

"Lookee what I found! I got some Silverleaf and some Peacebloom, and some of this green stuff, but I don't know what it is yet."

"That... would be grass."

"Oh... am I finished with the quest now?" Lilam asked, offering the dumbfounded Dwarf the herbs.

"Uhh, no. Listen closely now, lass. Head South an' keel some 'a those wolves an' then brang me tha' meat. Got it?"

Lilam swung a hand in the air to salute, smacking the Dwarf in the face with a stalk of Peacebloom and a flurry of grass.

The gnome turned to begin walking, but paused, staring despondently at her compass.

"Mr. Cousin Dwarf... there is no South direction on my compass. Only N, E, S, and W. Maybe your compass is broken."

The Dwarf pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, taking deep, relaxing breaths. "Lass... S be standin' fer South. N be North, E be East and W be West. An' then thar be tha' cardinal signs, but they er'nt on tha' compass."

Lilam's eyes grew wide, shaking the compass up and down frantically. "And now there are cardinals in my compass?! How do I get them out?! The birdies might die!"

Exasperated, Sten grasped the gnome by the shoulders and pushed her none-too-gently into the right direction. "Off wit ya'!"

When the gnome finally disappeared from sight, the man let out a long sigh of relief, leaning against the cart to support himself. The beginnings of a migraine pounded unmercifully in the tender region behind his eyes, so he shut them, almost dozing off when he was jolted back from semi-consciousness.

Only to see eight slathering, wild eyed wolves lead by Lilam, heading straight for him. Even before the man could empty his bladder, Lilam hopped into the cart at the last second, leaving the wolves to circle Sten ravenously.

Sten whimpered, covering his face with his beard just as the wolves fell upon him...

Lilam peeked out of the cart. Seeing no sign of any imminent danger, she slid down, waddling over to what looked like a pile of rags on the ground. Upon closer inspection, Lilam realized that those rags were indeed Sten. "I thought the quest you sent me on would be easier if you just killed the wolves and got the meat yourself," Lilam stated, peering down at the twitching man on the ground. "But you didn't even kill one wolf! No wonder you need my help! Want me to go try again?"

A blood stained, contorted hand reached into Sten's pocket and produced a pair of gleaming, mail gloves. Sliding them ever so slowly towards the gnome, Sten whispered, "Take tha' gloves. Take tha' gloves an' go!"

Lilam picked up the gloves, inspecting them with a mild scrutiny. "But I want a different color..."

"GO!"

The gnome yelped, sprinting off to go find a kinder, more helpful Dwarf she could offer her warrior services to, muttering to herself, "Meany cousin Dwarf... he didn't even say thank you. How rude!"

Sten had lost feeling in his legs, unable to even lift himself from the ground as he lay cursing Lilam a thousand times over. A shadow suddenly fell upon him, and a rush of relief engulfed the Dwarf, tears of happiness flowing down his ruddy cheeks. Finally, someone to help him and take his battered, bloody body to a healer!

The gnome hovering above him blinked twice. "OH MY SPROCKETS! WHAT'S THAT APPENDAGE GROWING FROM YOUR HEAD?!"

Sten cried for a long, long time...